Chapter 15: Confederacy of Dunces, Part 1

"I TOLD you we were too early." Tristan said.

"Hey shut up! I wanted to make ABSOLUTELY sure I got here first so I can make sure he won't accuse me of chickening out!" Joey said.

"Joey, he met you for five minutes. Somehow I don't think he'll be slandering you." Mai said. She yawned daintily. "I don't know how you managed to talk me into getting out of bed this early."

"Early? It's only 10:00 AM!"

"Like I said, early."

"Joey, I think he'll be here. Can we do something else while we wait?" Tea asked.

"Hmmmmmm I dunno…but I am getting bored of staring at these same two dueling arenas. These kids don't have any style!" Joey said.

"Neither did YOU when you started Joey." Tristan said. "Didn't Yugi beat you 27 times in a row once?"

"I think it was 31." Tea replied.

"Really? I heard 34." Serenity added.

"SHADDUP! Shad…dupppppppp…." Joey said, holding his head. Though he would never admit it, his friends were right. He was a bit of a hothead and he tended to do things on a whim.

Like challenging that guy, V. Oh, Joey wasn't WORRIED. He was Joey Wheeler! He had that special something! True, not as much as Yugi had, but Joey liked to think that special magical extra something that Yugi brought that had allowed him and Yami to win their way out of so many supposed unwinnable situations belonged to him to. Maybe a smaller amount, but it was there! He'd barely dueled at all before Duelist Kingdom, and he'd come in second! And fourth in Battle City! Not bad for a kid that Seto Kaiba was forever dumping on. He'd like to have seen how long Kaiba lasted if he had been in Joey's place in that Shadow Game again Malik.

And he'd beat that arrogant jackass someday.

But, first he had to beat V. Which brings us back to the original point. Joey wasn't worried. Yeah, V had beaten Mai, but Joey had done the same! Er, ok, bad example for the girl (girl shmirl, she was a WOMAN. And what a…ok, moving on now) Joey liked. Where was he? Oh yes, the point was, Joey was sure that his Luck Deck would reward him with a victory, and he was going to back the luck up with skill. He'd spent an hour last night re-familiarizing himself with his cards. He hadn't dueled much since Battle City. And just so you know, the events surrounding the Doom Organization arc had not yet happened.

Off on a tangent again. Point must be made! And the point was, not only would Joey have to swallow a very bitter pill if he lost, but he really didn't have the money to pay for a dinner. Especially if V took Mai to some fancy place, and impressed her with his wit and charm and intelligence, and then he took her back to wherever he lived and…ok, that was it. Now he was not only saying the glass was half empty, he was trying to chip a crack into it! Enough!

Well, Joey was here first, and he was ready. And he wasn't worried. Well, maybe a little.

And he'd dragged all his friends here (except Yugi, who was still recovering. Joey had talked to him last night on the phone, and he'd seemed cheerful and normal enough. On a related note, they still hadn't figured out what happened to the Dine and Dashers who hurt Yugi, or the punk that had nearly raped Tea. Joey hoped they wouldn't. In his eyes, whoever had killed those pieces of shit deserved a medal), and now they had nothing to do. Possibly for hours. V had said he would be back "tomorrow", but at what time?

Maybe V was trying to psyche him out! Maybe…ok, enough!

"Really Joey, maybe we should do something. I think he'll seek you out. From what I gathered, V liked challenges." Mai said. Joey looked at her. Dammit, he wasn't just paranoid, there was a tiny little sparkle in Mai's eyes. She wasn't exactly smitten, but she looked to be eyeing the path to smitten.

Argh. Joey was DEFINITELY going to shut V down now.

"Ok ok, what do you guys want to do? Get a drink? Play some games?" Joey asked, and then the nearby giant screen flicked on. As mentioned, Joey had shown up near the opening time, and hence the facility was still setting itself up for the day. Usually the TV's would repeat a Speaker's corner or something while they waited for duels to begin.

Instead, two Japanese men in weird looking robes popped up.

"Good morning D-Arena!" the more serious one said. "Just letting you know, there are still a few spots available for this month's competition! So sign up if you have the guts!"

"Guts Vic?" the goofier one said. "It's not guts they need, it's bones! Strong ones! I'm talking about ones that can withstand the smacks, and whacks, and bwacks, and…!"

"And not to mention this one Ken." The serious one said, holding what looked to be a folded up paper fan in front of his face. The goofy one, Ken, leaned forward to take a look and what promptly bonked on the back of his head via the other man's hand.

"Ow! Bastard!"

"So if you think you have what it takes, sign up! We are MXC!"

"We put the F-U back in fun!"

And then the screen flipped to one of the dull duels Joey had seen before that was going on in front of him. Argh.

"Well, that passed forty seconds. Maybe…" Joey said, and turned to see all his friends were looking at him. "What?"

Tristan cocked his head, and then jerked it in the direction of the TV. It took Joey several seconds to get it.

"OH NO! NO WAY!"

"You dragged us all here early, we need to kill some time. I think that's a good way." Tristan said.

"No no no!"

"But Joey, it'll be FUN." Serenity said, using her puppy face on her brother. This was one of the rare times when it didn't work.

"Fun my left, er, ear." Joey said, not wanting to be crude in front of Mai. "Fun for you maybe! I'll bet you just want ME to enter, right? No way! I'm not going to make a mess of myself and risk severe injury while you sit in the stands and laugh at me!"

"But Joey, you're in great shape! You can probably win!" Tea said, playing devil's advocate.

"No way! I will not! Never! Ever!" Joey said.

"I think it'd be mighty impressive." Mai said.

"Where do I sign up?" Joey said. Then he realized he hadn't just worn his heart on his sleeve, he'd shoved it in Mai's face. He blushed and gave an embarrassed chuckle, rubbing the back of his head in the way embarrassed people do.

"I mean, er…come on! It's probably already full!"

"We won't know unless you try!" Tristan said, and then he and Serenity actually grabbed Joey and began dragging him along towards the front desk, where you could sign up.

"Hey! I didn't say I'd definitely do this! Hey, c'mon! I don't wanna break my neck! Guyyyyssss!" Joey yelled, but there was no stopping the juggernaut like force of a best friend and little sister seeking a combination of amusement and revenge from their respective other.

"Are we doing a bad thing Mai?" Tea asked.

"Nah. He won't get hurt. Probably. Much."

*****************

Much to Joey's annoyance, there was indeed a spot left: three actually. He'd had to take a few skill-testing questions to make sure he was fit for competing in this nonsense, and he'd grudgingly answered them. Correctly, and he'd been offered one of the spots. Joey looked over to his friends, who gave him signs of encouragement, behind which they were probably hiding feces-munching grins, if you knew what Joey meant. He signed and accepted, and was ushered through to the locker room for the contestants. But before he did, he managed to call his friends over, and he gave them his deck and other perishable items and extracted a promise from Tristan to immediately go home and get him a new set of clothes. Which Tristan had done, and was now heading back with as Joey stood with the several other dozen contestants who had stupidly signed up for this nonsense.

First the legal stuff: Joey had to sign a bunch of forms that said he was doing this of his own free will and could not sue Kaiba Corp for injury or slander or anything like that, barring certain exceptions like outright racial slurs, which were never made anyway.

Then some other data. There were three teams: red, green, and yellow. Colors were randomly assigned. The team that got the most members of its color through an event without blowing it won the team a point, and whoever had the most points won, yadda yadda yadda a bunch of nonsense. You had two exceptions where if you failed an event you could move on, but if you blew it three times in three different events you were eliminated. There was other data on how prizes were won, like if you made a list at the end of the event and stuff. You could win some decent stuff, all of which could only be claimed from the D-Arena of course.

Then protection. Joey found that if you could find something in your size you could wear boots provided by the event: he quickly switched his nice shoes with a pair. Then a helmet and some pads if you wanted them. Joey took the helmet: he felt the pads would slow him down. You could also give your real name and profession if you wanted: if you didn't, the many comedians calling the event would probably give you another, silly name and/or job. Joey gave his real name and job, if you will. He had spotted Rex Raptor, of all people, doing the same earlier. Rex apparently hadn't seen him though.

Then the teams were told to wait.

Out in the audience, Joey's friends had entered and seated themselves. The arena was set up like a Roman coliseum, a round oval of seats surrounding a large play area. The arena was split in half: one side had one event and while that was being run the other side was set up. Mai had seen the show the previous day: some of the sets were pretty complicated. But that was just like Seto Kaiba: he didn't do anything half-assed.

The show's hosts, a pair called Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano, stayed up near one of the coliseum edges, with their entourage of weirdos. You could watch the event two ways: by itself, or you could pick up some headphones and listen to Kenny and Vic's running commentary. The thing was, listening to the commentary meant EVERYTHING was dubbed over. If you started an event and said something, the comedians, a very fast acting bunch, would say something over your voice. Which could be very embarrassing if you were being interviewed and said something noble and all your friends heard was you saying how it was a good idea to never re-freeze Sea Bass.

Tristan had made his way back by now, with Joey's new set of clothes, and the group had been sitting and talking while everything was set up.

The event started at noon, and it was prompt. Everyone had their headphones on by then except Serenity, who was keeping one ear free. The TV's that showed close-ups of the events and hosts and whatnot went on, playing the opening.

"What are these people running from? They're not! They're running to…"

"Tea, are you sure this was a good idea?" Serenity asked her friend, as she saw the montage of people getting maimed in the opening.

"Oh yeah! I read something! It's very rare for serious injuries to actually happen. Just a few bruises and a blow to the ego at most." Tea said, and then the event started up as the hosts were introduced. Serenity missed the first line, apparently the more serious host (Vic) had mentioned something about hobbies.

"Hobbies sound cool." Kenny was saying.

"Well they are Kenny."

"How do I get one?"

"Well, it's all based on your interests, Ken. What do you like to do?"

"Well, I like pizzas and chicks." Kenny said. This was his gimmick: he acted like a college freshman with a permanent testosterone flow to his brain.

"Well that's a start, but what do you really like?"

"Oh, I like to bid for stuff on E-Bay."

"Well maybe that's it Kenny. Maybe you're some kind of collector. What kind of stuff are you bidding on?"

"Pizza and chicks!"

"And why not?" Vic said exasperatedly. "And now for a man whose hobbies usually result in restraining orders, Guy Ledouche!"

The camera went to a small man in an old style jungle outfit…except he was wearing shorts. Serenity didn't hear what he was saying though, as she could see the contestants filing into the arena and she was looking for Joey. She thought she saw him.

Guy Ledouche talked on as all the contestants lined up, most of them sitting down. Serenity put his headphones back on.

"And finally, the spinning horror of Log Drop. And now, the Captain."

"Thanks Guy." said a man who had walked in front of the group. He was wearing a white suit and held a thin sword. "How many of you think that hobbies are a stimulating passion and a good way to spend your life? Show of hands, now."

"Yeah!" was the general reaction.

"Well you're wrong! Hobbyists are twisted loners, obsessed with little pieces of paper or collecting every single toy of a show that got canceled twenty years ago! It makes you freaks!" The captain replied. He walked over to a group of three men who had clearly planned to stand out: they were shirtless and they had all drawn defined muscles on their bodies.

What the people mostly didn't know that unlike Guy, the Captain was not miked: the comedians were doing both sets of voices and what the Captain and the contestants were really talking about was known only to them.

"Really, what is this?" The Captain was "saying".

"Our hobby is drawing muscles on our bodies!" one of the drawn-on contestants replied.

"Oh great. How is that going to get you any action?"

"You just wait till we get our chest implants!"

"Oh right…like the captain's going to be scared of a guy with knockers?" he said as he took a few steps back and raised his sword. "Let's go!" he yelled, slashing it down, and all the contestants got up and started running for the first event, which was all set up. The second event was coming into place as well.

"First up, Door Jammers!" Vic was saying, as everyone ran towards a line of walls filled with doors. "The object of the same is to make it on the other side and sprinkle your body with the magic sugar!" Vic said. We can assume he meant the trough of white powder on the other side.

Problem was, not all the doors were real. A few were covered with paper and lead through, but others were covered in wood and some had nets on the other end. And even some of the paper doors weren't safe as there were pits of mud on the other side.

Straining, Serenity finally saw her brother. He was in a good position: near the front but not AT the front. He was spared both problems this way: he didn't have to test the doors, and he didn't get caught up in the huge crush of people that descended on a door once it was found, hence Door Jammers. So Joey continued to flit through the doors, as the hosts picked out random people and talked about them.

"And there's Yuslef Radishhead, Sweden's premier outdoor comedian…OW!" Vic yelled, as "Yuslef" charged into a door and found it was wood. The thing was, he charged into it head first.

"Oh man!" Kenny said, and then Yuslef got up and began looking for the right door, which had been found, and Joey had just gone through. "My god, he's still going! He must feel really stupid!"

"I don't think he's feeling anything from the neck down Ken."

Eventually a timer popped up: Joey made it to the powder two seconds after it did. He jumped in, did a little dance, and then ran on as everyone else tried to make it in time. Not everyone did, and a buzzer went off. Joey was, by now, with a group of people who made it as they waited for the next event.

"That was a good opener." Vic was saying.

"Hey Vic, I have a question. Do you think Freddy Krueger could kick Jason's ass?"

"I'm not familiar with your friends Kenny." Vic replied. "Our next event is Sinkers and Floaters, where our contestant must make it across the Lake of Woe, without stepping on the Stones of Non-Support!"

"Other side, good! Lake, bad!"

The event was a small body of water across which stretched a group of stones. As mentioned, some of those would not support the weight of any contestant who stepped on them. Problem was, those sinkers would switch randomly with every run, so you had to reply on luck. Unlike the last one, where all the contestants had run at once, this was an individual event. The first one was a woman for the yellow team.

"That's Candy Assanopolous, an adult film script writer! She wrote the surprise hit 'My Big Stained Greek Bedding.'"

Candy didn't even make it halfway.

"And now she's got some of her own stains!" Kenny said.

Next was a man.

"Here's Harvey Plugg, he's a driver for Brownies and Lemonade, the world's largest sump pump company!"

Harvey didn't make it either.

"And now, considering where we get that water, he may be sampling his product firsthand!"

Another man.

"That's Chad Cheek, he's a chooser in…" Vic began, and then Chad fell in. "Oh, the Chad chokes, now he's chumming for chowder!"

"Cha-ching!"

Much to Joey's friends surprise, the next contestant was Rex Raptor, who as you recalled, signed up for this several chapters ago.

"That's Rex Raptor, a dinosaur duelist! And he's showing-OWWWWW!" Vic yelled. Rex had been in a good run until he had taken a glancing step/jump off a rock that had been a sinker: the screwup had caused him to spin around and fall down HARD on another rock, rear end first, so strong that he literally bounced off before he fell in. The whole arena groaned very loudly at this. Even Joey's group felt bad for Rex, that had looked like it HURT.

"Oh, Rex ruins his run and ruptures his rectum!"

"Revolting!"

"Right!"

Rex pulled himself out of the water and walked off holding his butt. Much to Serenity's delight, Joey came charging over the hill.

"Yay! Go Joey!" he cheered, as Joey began sprinting over the rocks.

"Here's Joey Wheeler, he's…" Vic began.

"Wow this guy's fast!" Kenny said. Indeed, Joey was practically flying over the stones, and before either of the hosts could say anything he had made it across.

"And he makes it!" Vic said. Joey's fanclub cheered as Joey pumped his fist in the air and ran on. "That deserves an MXC Impact Replay!"

A slow motion look at Joey's run came up.

"Now this is a brilliant strategy Vic. He runs really quickly and doesn't fall in." Kenny said.

"Insightful as always Kenny." Vic replied.

Joey was now on the other side, and was actually being interviewed because he was the first one across. It wasn't played, as the TV's were focusing on the event, as another man showed up.

"Here's Mile Rogers." Vic said.

"I work for no one!" Mile said. Well, the comedians said it for him.

"He's a rigless truck driver, which means he has no truck, no trailer for rent, or room to let 50 cents. No pool, no phones, no pets for that matter."

"I bet he's got no cigarettes."

"He is definitely a man of means by no means."

"He's like king of the road."

"Right you are Ken."

And Miles fell in, having almost made it.

"And now he's king of the mud!" Kenny said.

Next up was a woman.

"Here's Biganno Ying-Werds! She's a book complicator for Nerds R Us." Vic said.

"Ugh, I think my school hired her for my high school English essay…" Kenny said, and then Werds fell in. "Ha ha! There's only one verb to describe that: loser."

"Or perhaps a noun." Vic replied.

"What's that?"

"Never mind…"

Another man.

"Here's Tabuli Babaganosh, owner of Happy Jihad's One Way Truck Rentals." Vic said. Two seconds later, Tabuli mistimed a jump and fell in, his leg getting caught and yanked up by one rock while a glancing blow to his head from another knocked his helmet off.

"Ow!"

"I think his ankle bone just forced the top of his head off!"

"Right you are Ken."

Yet another man.

"And here's Chuck Woodward, a lumberjack." Kenny said.

"Which begs the question, how much wood would Chunk Woodward chuck if Chuck Woodward could chuck wood." Vic said.

Chuck made it.

"Who knows, but we know he's a winner!" Vic said.

And on it went until everyone was across: the time was needed to set up the next course.

"Well Kenny after two rounds the red and green teams each have a point and the yellow team is in second, or last place with nothing!" Vic said.

"I wonder if they're afraid." Ken cracked. Silence. "Sorry, it sounded funny in my head!"

In the next chapter, the last three events! Will Joey make it, or will he be eliminated?