Chapter 16: Confederacy of Dunces, Part 2

"We're back!" Vic Romano said. "Kenny, tell the dear readers what they missed."

"Nothing Vic, we're still setting up the next event."

"Kenny!"

"What?"

"Well, let's reminiscence then."

"What?"

"Think of past events!"

"Oh. Well then, how about our last event and our disaster at the end? Nobody won our event! I don't know why, our new game Eat Shitake was pretty cool!"

"Abet dizzying and vertigo inducing Ken."

"I suppose." Ken said. On the screen finally came the explanation of what they were talking about: a game where contestants had to hold onto a spinning platform shaped like a mushroom. And since they only got one handhole, all of them were falling off.

"This one was really bad Vic." Kenny was saying, referring to one where the contestant made it to the platform but didn't let go, and actually went past it until the mushroom platform stopped. He tried futilely to make it back over, but in the end he fell in. As this happened, Kenny explained it.

"A real bad mushroom trip! He's disoriented, his stomach's all upset, he goes past, but he's hallucinating, he thinks he sees five or six platforms, then he just gets paranoid and jumps in the fluid."

"Sounds like you know a lot about shrooming."

"Uh yeah. I mean no!"

"Right you are Ken." Vic replied. "Oh, I hear we're ready for the third event. Before we do, I'd like to remind you that next month's edition of MXC will be a special couples edition. So bring your wife, your girlfriend, your mistress!"

"Or if you're from the south, just bring your sister!"

"KENNY! That's not polite!" Vic said, giving Kenny a whack with his paper fan. "Anyway, next month it's just for couples!"

"Kind of like us Vic."

"I'm sorry Ken, I don't follow you."

"We're kind of like, a couple."

"…Well yes, I suppose you could stretch it a little. We're a professional, PROFESSIONAL couple…of guys."

"If I were to hug you right now, would that be gay?"

"KENNY, I JUST NEED YOU TO SKOOCH BACK ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BOOTH! We're a professional couple, we need to keep a professional distance, ok?"

"Right right."

"Finally, our third event! The Rotating Surfboard of Death! Catch a wave, dodge the dolphin, or die!"

The event was indeed set around a rotating surfboard that went in a circle. Contestants climbed up some stairs, hopped on, tried to jump over a pink fish/dolphin thing that was in the way, hop onto another platform, get over it before the surfboard completely passed under it and hop back on, hop over another pink fish/dolphin, and then hop onto the final platform, which was the finish. To make it complicated, the surfboard wasn't very wide or stable.

A glasses-wearing professional man was first.

"Through the roof!" he said. Actually, what the comedians said.

"That's Warren Muffet, professional stock trader. He…" Vic said as Warren stepped on the surfboard and fell off immediately.

"Aw man, he tripped on his Dow and got all tangled up in his Jones!" Kenny said.

Next up, a female.

"And here's Martha Grabbage, she…hey…" Kenny said.

"What Ken?"

"Take a look!" Jen said as Martha got on the surfboard, thought she too nearly fell off, falling on her butt. Kenny, on the meantime, had zoomed in on her T-Shirt. Which had a picture on it. Of Vic Romano.

"How come your face is on a T-Shirt and mine isn't?"

"Because I'm pretty?"

At this point Martha, still trying to get up, didn't make it enough to jump over the dolphin, and she got pushed off.

"Oh, Martha is down! That calls for an MXC Impact Replay!"

The replay came up.

"What a moron, she tried to go UNDER the dolphin. Shows you how smart your fans are Vic."

"Kenny, that's not nice."

"Aw don't worry Vic, you still have me!"

"Kenny, I need you to skooch back to your side of the booth."

"Sorry."

A new man.

"That's Justin Timberwolf! He's an environmentalist who drives people away from rainforests by both scaring and annoying them by howling at the moon in a girly-high voice." Vic said.

"Yeah, but it says here what he really wants is to be an astronaut. Heh! Assstronaut."

"Kenny…"

"Assssstronaut."

"Kenny, behave!"

At this point Justin, who had made it over the first dolphin, hopped up onto the first platform, but he leapt off it too late and fell off the end of the surfboard into the water.

"And his fifteen minutes are up!"

"Yeah. Heh. Ass-tro-naut."

"Kenny!"

A woman.

"That's Lenona Bolski! She's the host of the show 'Who Wants To Marry My Ugly Daughter.'" Vic said.

"I feel sorry for the guy who won."

Lenona tripped over the first dolphin, bounced off the board, and fell.

"And now I feel sorry for her!"

Another man.

"And that's Chester Ryan! He's a sheet rocker who doubles as a tub caulker." Vic said.

"Tub Caulker? So he's into fat chicks?"

"I'm not sure what he's into Ken."

"Then what does he do with his caulk?"

"He sticks in the crack."

"So he's in porn then?"

"No Kenny, he's in construction!"

"What? You said he sticks his caulk in the crack, and yet he's in construction. I thought you said he was a sheep stalker!"

"I said a SHEET ROCKER. And I was talking about caulking compound!"

"He built a PLACE to do this?"

"Kenny, no, he uses his compound to fill cracks with his caulk!"

"Am I missing something here…?"

"Well thanks to you Kenny we just missed the entire run…" Vic said, as Chester had indeed almost made it all the way around. But he screwed up on the last jump and fell in.

"I wonder if that hurts as much as my head does now." Kenny said.

"One can hope so Ken."

Next came…Joey. And the group cheered (yeah, they're still here).

"Ah, here's Joey Wheeler."

"This is easy!" Joey yelled. Well, he stuck his fist up and yelled something: the comedians said that. Serenity knew: the voice didn't sound anything like her brother's.

"Let's see how fast he can…" Vic began.

And then Joey stepped on the board, tripped, slipped, and fell heads over heels into the water. Mai gasped, and then began laughing uncontrollably.

"Oh man, that WAS fast! That deserves an MXC Impact Replay!" Kenny said.

It came up. Mai and the others started laughing all over again.

"See Vic, his posture is all screwed, his balance is all messed up, and here's the big mistake Vic: he tried to stand on thin air."

"Never a good move Ken." Vic said. Joey had swum out and was walking on, looking irritated. Tristan whooped and hollered, though whether Joey actually heard him, I don't know.

A new man came out.

"I'm too generous!" he "yelled."

"That's Buster Agrad, a student. He's very bighearted: he actually donated his knees!" Vic said.

Buster got on the surfboard.

"He's doing pretty good for a guy without knees." Kenny said.

"Well Kenny, he's using pig ears in place of them."

"Pig ears?"

"Yes, pig ears are supposed to keep them very balanced…" Vic said, and then Buster fell into the water. "Er, not that it helped that guy much."

"Man, he fell right on his astronaut!"

"Kenny!"

A female.

"Smell my feet, they're really neat!" she said. Ok, that was DEFINITELY the comedians.

"That's Candance Stump! She's on the Woman's Sniper Team at Grassy Knoll Academy!" Vic said.

"Heh, she's a sniper? Then maybe…"

"Not advised to say that Ken, she can put a bullet through an apple at 100 yards."

"Really? Vic, I'm scared! Hold me!"

"Kenny, I need you to just skooch back onto your side of the booth!"

"Ah."

"Well Kenny, no need to be afraid…" Vic said as Candance jumped over the last pink fish thing and sprang to the final platform. "She made it!"

"Oh thank god, I thought I was dead!"

"We're going to have Captain Tenneal interview her." Vic said. Unlike Joey, this interview was shown right away.

Who knows what the two really said? This is what the crowd heard.

"This is for all the girls back at the dorm who said I sucked at everything and I wasn't going to win. I hate you all and you can kiss my ass!"

"You should date Guy." The Captain replied.

Another male showed up.

"That's Able Greenspan! He's a butter substitute teacher!"

"He's a what?"

"Don't ask me Ken, I just work HERE." Vic said.

Able made it over the first fish and the platform, but he didn't time the second jump right and he flew forward, nearly crashing into the platform that held the fish up, flipping over it. He tried to hang on, but failed and fell in the water.

"Oh, Able tries for the brass ring, but gets too fancy and ends up eating a mouthful of pink…wood that is!" Kenny said.

Another man.

"This is Pocal Hauntes! He's a Indian Native American!"

"Which one Vic?"

"I don't know Ken. This PC age may seemingly be better, but it can be darn confusing!" Vic said.

Pocal ALMOST made it, but he jumped too far when he tried to jump over the second fish/dolphin and overshot the surfboard, only one of his legs catching it and driving his knee up, nearly bonking it into his chin as he fell.

"And Pocal nearly scalps himself!" Vic says.

"That deserves an MXC Impact Replay!"

The replay came up.

"He jumps into a Wounded Knee, right into a Geronimo Drop, but he can't make it back to the teepee and becomes the Last of the Mohicans!"

"And that's enough of the Indian jokes Kenny."

"Yes Kemosabe."

"Kenny!"

"Fine. Asssssssstronaut."

"KENNY!"

And so it went. Finally all the contestants were done.

"We'll be back after this commercial break!"

"MXC! Heap Great Show!"

"KENNY!"

And the TV'S actually played a few commercials, mostly the Kaiba one (it WAS his building, after all). Mai, who was looking for Joey, found the commercial very annoying and condescending. But she'd met Kaiba, and she knew that was just the way he was.

She finally spotted Joey. Now that three events had passed, a few dozen contestants had left, as they hadn't made it for all three. He was trying to wring water out of his wet clothes. She found it cute.

Then the show was starting up again.

"All right Kenny, why don't you tell us about our next event!" Vic said.

"It'z called Poridersssss…" Kenny said.

"Kenny, you just slurred that entire sentence! Are you intoxicated?"

"Naw, just drunk."

"Aw for the…our next event is Pole Riders! Ride the pole down onto the platform and not into the drink!"

"Platform good! Anywhere else, bad!"

This game was a modified version of pole vaulting: rather then trying to use the pole to spring yourself over a platform, contestants were placed on a high cliff over a small lake on which there was a padded platform. A pole vault, er, pole was on the cliff, and they had to properly use it to guide themselves down onto the platform. Not as easy as it sounded: most people had no idea how to grip the pole correctly.

First up was a man.

"That's Jimmy Downs, he drives a short truck for special deliveries." Vic said.

"Yeah, his route is up and down the driveway."

Jimmy thrust off and slipped, falling into the water.

"Oh and he's up and Jimmy is down!"

Another man. He made a weird buzzing noise.

"And here's Ken Demitriosis! He's a chainsaw artisan!" Vic said. Ken jumped off, but he leaned his weight the wrong way and fell off the pole, making it snap violently as he did a 180 flip and landed in the water for a belly flop.

"OW!"

"That was a work of art."

"Right you are Ken."

Yet another man.

"That's Rip Hymen, a honeymoon consummation coach." Vic said.

"His motto is practice practice practice." Kenny said.

"Unfortunately too many couples are too chapped to perform on their actual wedding night." Vic replied.

Rip fell just short of the platform.

"Wow, I don't know how much Rip practiced for this event, but more would have helped." Kenny said.

Finally a woman.

"That's Ginger Ale!" Vic said.

"Does she go down easy?" Kenny cracked. Tristan smirked, all the females rolled their eyes. Men.

"I…" Vic was saying, but Ginger, lacking any real arm strength, let go of the pole as soon as she was off, sliding down it into the water. The motion almost seemed to be done on purpose, and Mai fully expected the comedians to jump all over it. They did.

"Wow, she does go down easy!"

"So nice and graceful! Not many people can ride pole like that!"

"No Kenny, she did it like this."

"No, like this."

"Like THIS."

"Like THIS."

"LIKE THIS."

"LIKE THIS."

"Kenny…ok, let's move on."

Another man.

"That's Damien Omen! He runs Apocalypse…Soon Inc." Vic said.

"That guy gives me the willies."

"Well Ken, his company does specialize in plagues and hoarding lamb's blood."

Damien got a really weird run: he took off, balanced in mid-air for a second, and then one of his hands slipped, and in attempt to stabilize himself he twisted and went tumbling down the pole in a weird twirling motion.

"Oh man, look at that!" Kenny said. "As you can see, his pole is completely possessed as it stands up on his own and tosses him off, and then his evil soul is completely separated from his body, and here his head spins completely around before he's sent straight to hell. BEGONE, DEMON!"

"Ok, Ken."

"It's pretty scary!"

"Kenny, I just need you to skooch back over to your side of the booth."

"Sorry."

Joey was up next.

"Here's Joey again! Let's see if he can do better on this event." Vic said.

"I don't see how he could do any worse."

Joey backed up, ran, vaulted, and got some major height…so major he went PAST the platform and landed in the water beyond. The whole arena could hear him yell.

"Ha! That deserves an MXC Impact Replay!" Vic said. Apparently they liked Joey: they kept giving him Replays.

"Now here's his problem Vic: he doesn't land on the platform!"

"Insightful as always Ken."

"Uh oh. I hope he makes the next event or he'll be eliminated." Tristan said to Tea. She nodded.

"Pretty funny though!" Tea replied. Joey had swum out and was walking off trying to wring his clothes dry again.

A woman. She said "Marvelous!"

"And here's Leeze Gizbet! She's the host of Ass-Kiss Hollywood." Vic said.

"Man, she loves everybody. She gave Jiggly five stars."

"Ken, it's pronounced 'GIG-LI'"

"Oh that movie sucked." Ken replied. Leeza fell in the water. "And so did that pole run!"

"Next up, Stringy of the famous movie reviewer combo Stringy and Ropey!" Vic said as another man showed up.

"Oh yeah, they gave Jiggly two fists up."

"Ken, it's pronounced 'GIG-LI'"

"Oh they hated it." Ken replied. Stringy didn't make it either. "Probably as much as they'll hate that."

Another woman.

"Here's Elka Anderson! She's a window painless dentist." Vic said.

"She'll stain your teeth, but they'll be pretty colours!" Ken said.

And Elka actually made it, landing on the platform.

"And Elka is our winner! That deserves an MXC Impact Replay!" Vic said. It came up.

"That is some magnificent pole riding there."

"Yeah, but look at this!" Ken said, as he began rewinding and replaying. "Look at her chest! I don't think she's wearing a bra, she's all Gigli."

"Ken, it's pronounced 'Jiggly'."

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"

"Hey Serenity." Mai was saying, poking the girl. "Look, I think something's wrong with Joey."

Serenity took off her headphones and followed Mai's pointing finger. Indeed, her brother had been pulled away from the small crowd awaiting the final event and was talking to two men. And from his posture, he didn't look too happy, but he followed the two men as they gestured him, walking off the arena.

"Where's he going? Where are they taking him?"

"I don't know. They were talking to him when I first saw it."

"Is he in trouble?" Tea asked.

"I don't see how. It's not like he's cheated or anything." Tristan replied.

"Maybe Kaiba saw him on TV and decided to be a prick and pull him off." Mai suggested.

"That would be just like Kaiba." Tristan replied.

"Should we leave?" Serenity asked.

"I don't know…" Mai said.

Then Joey was back, running back to the group. Strangely, he now had a red and yellow handkerchief sticking out of each of his pockets.

"He's back!" Serenity said.

"Wonder what that was about." Tea said. While the group had been occupied, the Pole Riders event had ended and they had gone onto another commercial break. Out of the corner of her eye, Serenity saw one of the men who had escorted her brother off the field come up to the box where the hosts and their entourage were and give Vic a piece of paper, which the host read.

Then the show was back on.

"All right, we're back! Kenny?"

"It's ok Vic, I feel better."

"What'd you do Kenny?"

"I threw up."

"You sure did, Kenny. Phew."

"Yeah, during the last commercial break I snuck out and puked it someone's car. It was just this old piece of junk parked near the dumpster."

"Kenny, that didn't happen to be an old Grey Cordova did it?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Aw crap! Look Kenny, you may think drinking and puking is all fun, but let me tell you, alcohol is a harsh mistress! Sure she seems all fun and warm at first, before you know it she plunges her icy fingers down your throat and rips out your VERY SOUL!"

"Dude, you need a drink."

"Argh!" Vic snarled. "Anyway, time for our final event for this month: Log Drop! Step daintily over the revolving rolls, or plunge into the putrid pit of pus!"

"Stay dry, good. Get wet, bad!"

The event was pretty much that: about eight large round logs suspended over a pit of dirty water, set at different heights. It was a very tricky game of speed, balance, grace, and luck.

First up was a woman.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Ok, you can hate me." She said.

"That's Crystal Mungs! She's a champagne flutist designer by trade and president of AA meetings by night."

"Isn't that kinda self-defeating?"

"Perhaps Ken, but it's a living."

And then Crystal Mungs fell, and it was BAD. She slipped forward, landing on one log, and her back bent up even as her legs, still on the other long, bent up themselves before she fell in. The whole audience groaned.

"OW!" Vic said.

"That was awesome!" Kenny said.

"And that DEFINITELY deserves an MXC Impact Replay!" Vic said. The unpleasant sight came up. Crystal was getting out of the water: apparently she had managed to avoid serious injury.

"Aw man Vic, her head touched her heels!"

"The human spine is not meant to be bent that way Ken." Vic replied. Crystal appeared to be ok: apparently she was very flexible.

Next up was a man.

"That's Benedict Arnoldson! He teaches revised history at Domino University." Vic said.

"Yeah, I never knew George Washington liked to do that with sheep. And with butter as well, yikes!"

Arnoldson made it three logs before he slipped and fell forward into the drink headfirst.

"And Arnoldson falls!"

"One can only wonder if the Ninth Circle of Hell will be as painful as that!"

Another man, who said something to Captain Tenneal, who was standing by the platform before the logs.

"Viva La France!" he said, or that's what the crowd heard.

"Yeah yeah, go on." The Captain said as he waved him out.

"That's Vichy Chirac, he's a forfeit instructor at the French Military College of Capitulation."

Perhaps cursed by the joke, Vichy made it two logs before he fell in.

"And he surrenders to the inevitable post-haste." Vic said.

Next up was a female, who stood out because of her very large knee-pads: she must have brought them herself.

"Next up is York Banks!"

"Does she do what I think she does?"

"Kenny! Be polite! She brought those to protect her!" Vic said, and at that point York fell into the water.

"Those knee pads didn't help her much."

"Actually Ken, I just found out they got her into this contest."

Another man.

"Stains!" he yelled.

"That's Tom Pants! He works for BPSI: Bachelor Party Scene Investigations. He is hired by brides to find out what really went on at bachelor parties."

"Yeah, he picks up hair samples and bullet fragments, and then checks for blood with Luminol."

"Kenny, I'm talking about bachelor parties!"

"Yeah, GOOD ones."

Tom made it to the second last log before he slipped, his legs splitting, and he fell on the log and was dumped into the water.

"Ow! He landed right on his nads!"

"Kenny!"

"Oh sorry, wrong verb. Nards."

"Kenny…"

"Fine. He landed on his astronaut."

"KENNY!"

Another man.

"Here's Roman Fife, a recovering addict." Kenny said.

"What was he addicted to? Drugs? Alcohol?"

"Adult film soundtracks."

"I don't believe I'm familiar with that, is that tracking music?"

"Nah, more like whacking music." Kenny said, and the Roman fell in. "And it appears he's also addicted to pain!"

Next up, a woman. Oddly, she was wearing a flower pot on her head with a big plastic blossom coming out of it.

"Here's Robin Banks! She's specializes in disposal of unwanted pets in bizarre ways."

"Yeah, her business is called 'That Darn Catapult.'"

Robin made it four logs before she slipped and fell backwards, bouncing back and forth a bit before she fell in.

"Ow. I think she bent her flower." Kenny said.

"Indeed Ken." Vic said, as Robin got out of the water.

"Still, nice astronaut."

"Kenny!"

A man next.

"Here's Kevin Garbabacle! His claim to fame is memorizing the whole script to the first Star Trek film in forty minutes!" Vic said.

"Man, it took me a week to do that. He must have one of those pornographic memories." Ken said.

"Kenny!"

"What?"

"…Never mind."

Kevin fell in.

"And I wonder if he'll remember that!" Vic said.

A woman next.

"And here's Michelle Lob, she's a headputter for bars."

"Vic, you can't say that on TV!"

"No Ken, she puts foam on top of beers. The head."

"Oh." Ken said.

Michelle stepped on the first long…and slipped off, slamming her face into the second log before bouncing off and hitting the back of her head on the first log before falling in. The whole crowd groaned.

"MY GOD!" Kenny said.

"If that doesn't deserve an MXC Impact Replay, I don't know what does!" Vic said. Medics ran out to see if the woman needed help while the hosts distracted the crowd by playing the replay.

"Vic watch this. She starts to lean forward, extends her hands perfectly, to precisely smash her face into the log. Owtch! I can't watch that again…well maybe once more…" Kenny said as the blow rewound and replayed. "Ow! That was painful!" Rewind. "Ow it's painful from that way too!" Replay. "Ow it's painful a third time!"

"A true MXC Champion." Vic said. Michelle seemed to be ok.

Joey was the last one. The crowd cheered: they recognized him.

"And once again, here's Joey Wheeler! Ken, I have an announcement. Joey started this event playing for the Green Team, but due to a computer mishap the scores have been messed up. And after many arguments, we finally decided to settle it this way. Therefore, Joey is now playing for the Red, Green, and Yellow Teams!"

"Lots of responsibility."

"Indeed. We had a chance to talk to Joey earlier."

And finally Joey's interview came up. Of course, what he said wasn't what was played.

"I love the captain. He's my idol. I even have one of his collectable lunchboxes." Joey "said". The group looked at each other and cracked up: both at the voice that had been dubbed over Joey's and his certain reaction if he ever saw it.

"Joey's the last contestant, let's see how he does…" Vic said, as Joey started, and slipped immediately, his foot jamming into the very small gap between the platform and the first log. He reared back, and the Captain went to help him, just as Joey tried to get back onto the platform, and the end result was that he reared back and sat on the Captain's sword, breaking it. It was just a cheap prop, but the Captain, an experienced comedian, immediately played it up.

"Aw man, he broke the Captain's sword!" Ken said. "That's a family heirloom!"

"Congratulations, you just bought yourself a 39$ sword." The captain said (well, his dubber said, as the actual man pointed at the audience). "So why don't you just look out there and say goodbye to your friends, because life as you know it has just changed pretty boy!"

Joey said something else, and then turned and started back across the logs, this time not slipping.

"Man, it must suck to have your idol hate you now." Kenny said.

Joey nearly fell off the forth log, but he managed to grab onto the fifth one, balance himself, push himself over and spring up to the sixth log and run with the momentum before he finally tripped and fell on the eight log, falling onto the ninth log and off the edge…until he grabbed ahold of the platform and yanked his way up to the platform.

"He makes it! We have a winner!" Vic said, as Joey did a little dance.

"So Joey fixes the score. Vic, what was it?"

"It was…2 to 2…to 2."

"So Joey scores a point for the Red Team, the Green Team, and the Yellow Team…thus tying up all the points again…"

"And making this whole thing pretty much, pointless." Vic finished.

Joey had headed off the arena, which was shutting down, as the hosts thanked the crowd and told them to stick around while they decided on the top ten eliminations. The crowd started to file out.

"You think he was really mad Joey broke his sword?" Serenity asked the group.

"Nah, it was a joke. Joey's fine. I think." Mai replied.

The group headed for the exit. Tristan was allowed in to give Joey his new clothes. He came out, as the TV played random D-Duels. Various contestants filed out, waiting for everything to be finalized so they could claim their prizes. They included Rex Raptor, who still looked sore.

Several minutes later Joey walked out in his new clothes, combing his wet hair with his fingers (they had a shower in the locker room, which Joey had used to tidy himself up).

"There! You happy!" he half-yelled.

"Oh calm down you big baby. You didn't even get hurt." Mai said.

"You think falling twelve feet into water is a breeze? It smarts!"

"You'll live." Mai said, smiling in that way she had.

Joey cracked his neck. Serenity gave him back his deck and wallet.

"Thanks sis."

And at that point the TV nearest the group switched back on, showing Vic and Kenny.

"Well another great show Kenny. We had us some moments, and no one got hurt. Severely." Vic said.

"Hey, Vic, remembering when I was talking about hobbies? I just realized, I had one all along!"

"What?"

"This!"

IT'S TIME FOR KENNY BLANKENSHIP'S MOST PAINFUL ELIMINATIONS OF THE DAY!

"At Number 10, Ken Demitriosis (falling off his pole), chainsaw artisan! He gets smacked, crushed, jabbed, whacked! It's a chainsaw massacre!"

"At Number 9, stock trader Warren Muffet (falling off the surfboard), who shoulda sat on his tuffet instead of bleeding his curds away. Looks like he was mother-goosed from the get go!"

"At Number 8, Robin Banks (bounced around in the log drop), interesting pet disposalist, gets dehumanely neutered and then gets put down!"

"At Number 7, Damien Omen (spinning off the pole), who gets smited right off the pole and is damned to suck dam water. DAMMMIIIEEEENNNN!"

"At Number 6, Joey Wheeler!"

"You made the list Joey!" Tristan said. Joey didn't know whether to be happy or angry.

"This kid can really shoot across the stones (Joey running across), but when he shoots for the moon (going past the platform in Pole Riders), he overshoots the mark! (splash!)"

"At Number 5, Crystal Mungs, (folding in half girl) champagne flutist, or floutist, er, whatever, who can't stay on the wagon, on the logs, or even in the proper shape for a human body!"

"At Number 4, Tabuli Babaganosh, (leg and helmet in Sinkers and Floaters) who zigs where he should have zagged and really regrets it! Someone find his Baba, maybe they can re-attach it to his Ganosh!"

"At Number 3, Able Greenspan (hits the second wooden pole in RSOD), who leaps where he should have looked, and gets closer to wood then a straight man ever should!"

"And this was a real tough one, but after careful consideration, I have to give No 2 to Michelle Lob (faceplant on logs), putter of head on beer, who really uses her head here! Too bad. She used to have a pretty face before it became a pound of fleshburger!"

"And my most painfulest elimination of the day, all things considers, goes to…Rex Raptor!"

"WHAT?" Joey said, as Rex's run and how it ended came up.

"A dinosaur deck duelist, who slips in Sinkers and Floaters and drives his coccyx all the way into his cerebral cortex! Bet he wishes his brain was the size of a walnut. Owtch! Someone call a paleontologist, this guy's extinct! Yow. Hold me Vic."

"Ken I need you to just skooch back over to your side of the booth."

"Oh, right, sorry."

And the camera came back on the two.

"Well, that's all the time we have for this month. We'll see you next month with our special couples edition! Take it away Kenny!"

"Asssssstronaut."

"Kenny!"

"All right. What do we always say, guys?"

"DON'T GET ELIMINATED!" Everyone yelled, sticking their fists up. The picture began to fade.

"Asssssssssssssstronaut."

"KENNY!"

And it went to black, as several men began giving out gift certificates and such, according to teams and other things. The people who had made the Top Ten list were called over and given different prizes.

"So what did you get Joey?" Tea asked as Joey came back.

"I came out pretty good, since I helped them with the score, or tried to anyway. They gave me this D-Card, it's a blank fusion card. I can program any Fusion monster I want on it!"

"Got any ideas?"

"Hell yeah! I also got this 50$ Gift certificate for the restaurant here."

"Great! Let's go eat!" Tristan said.

"Heck no! This is mine! I was the one who suffered for it!" Joey said, keeping his gift close to him.

"But Joey, you're not going to let me starve, are you?" Mai said, primping.

"That ain't gonna work this time Mai! I'll win us dinner when I duel V!"

"Fine then. I'll do this the hard way." Mai said, and then she grabbed Joey by the ear and began dragging him along as he yelled in protest. The others followed him, amused.

"I'll bet that hurt a lot!" Weevil, who had come to see Rex, and had been highly amused at what had befallen him, said to his semi-friend, as Rex walked off with his own certificates and a small trophy for getting No 1.

"Not as much as your poem." Rex replied.

Weevil sputtered and growled.

********************

"My gift certificate, all gone…" Joey moaned as he walked along.

"You couldn't have eaten 50$ worth of food anyway." Tea said.

"I wouldn't bet on it." Tristan replied. Of the meals they had ordered, half the cost of the bill had come from all the stuff Joey had gobbled down.

"Well Joey, I think you looked good out there, and you were so kind to treat us to lunch!" Serenity said, beaming. Joey was glad, but he would have preferred a nice comment from Mai.

But he didn't get it, as he suddenly heard a very loud clapping noise. He turned to see a pair of hands above a bench, clapping loudly to get his attention. Whoever it was was watching a repeat of the show Joey had just been on.

"Very amusing Joey." V said, getting up from his bench. "Abet not the smartest thing, but that seems to be your stock in trade."

"V! Why you…!" Joey growled, clenching his fist. "You wanna see my real stock in trade! Let's step outside!"

"No Joey. Calm down He-Man." Mai said, putting a hand on Joey's shoulder. "Afternoon V. I see you had enough brains to come in at a reasonable hour."

"And you didn't? Don't you need your beauty sleep?" V replied. Mai responded as a girl who was being flirted with might have, but V wasn't really flirting. He was trying to push Joey's buttons: his reactions were amusing, and it would reinforce his desire to beat V. And hopefully make him a tougher opponent. Which V wanted.

"WHY YOU! That's it! You, me, arena, NOW! I'll show you what REAL embarrassment is about, after I take you apart! Hope you're not too full guys, I'm gonna take you someplace grand after I take you to the cleaners!"

"Unless I eliminate you first." V replied calmly.

"Oh VERRRYYYYY funny. Did you spend all night thinking that one up?" Joey shot back.

"Hmmm. By the way Joey, Scarface called. They want their accent back."

Joey was again reduced to sputtering and having to be held back by Tristan and his sister. V just chuckled and walked past.

"See you at the arena. Try not to be late."

"Argh!" Joey growled. "Gonna trash you in four turns you rassffraraafarffafara…"

And then Mai realized she had never told Joey V's big trick. She had somehow completely forgot.

"Joey, wait. That guy…he beat me because, I don't know how, but…" Mai began.

"Save it Mai! I don't want any help! I'll beat this guy on my own!" Joey said.

"But…"

"Mai, please. I respect your dueling abilities. Please, respect mine."

Mai was silent.

Maybe Joey was more mature then she thought.

But still, she hoped nothing bad would happen.

As strong as V was, you had to wonder about the things that could go wrong with that kind of card.

**********************

"I assume you want Battle City rules." V said as he and Joey were lifted up to the arena.

"Yeah, unless you can't play with the big boys!" Joey replied.

"I can. Should I go find one then?"

"WHY YOU! YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Joey growled. For once, it wasn't just V and his duel opponent: Joey's friends were in the arena as well. "I'm going to beat you so bad, your ancestors will feel it!"

"If you say so."

"Damn straight! I'll show you! I didn't see you anywhere in Duelist Kingdom or Battle City, and I finished 2nd and 4th there out of a field of hundreds! Top that!"

"You finished second?"

"Yeah!" Joey said, giving him a thumbs up.

"So here we have the second place finisher, or rather, final loser. Where's the guy or girl who came in first?"

Joey facevaulted.

"That's it! Really! Time to put your cards where your mouth is!" Joey said, pulling out his deck and shuffling it, making sure he inserted the D-Card he had won and programmed to his fusion of choice.

"I'll gladly do that if you will. Just be careful you don't stick your foot in there as well." V said. He really shouldn't be doing this. He actually liked and respected Joey, from what he had read about him. But he just reacted SO marvelously…

Like he was doing now. V was surprised steam wasn't shooting out of his ears.

If Joey wasn't so good, V would consider throwing the duel to let him save face. But Joey was good. He was great, actually, and V was coming at him full bore. And he fully expected Joey to meet him, and possibly beat him, as their life points tallied up.

"Ok V, you smartass. The time for talk is over!" Joey snapped.

"Agreed." V said.

4000/4000

"Let's duel!"