Chapter two
Carters POV
I can't believe I just let Abby walk out the door like that. I should have called her back in and told her the truth, that being, I need her to help me. If anyone would understand me and what I am going through right now, it would be her. On the other side, I don't want to burden her with my issues. It looks like she's really happy with that Seth guy; she deserves that; I wouldn't want to pull her away from what makes her happy.
These past couple weeks have been a total blur for me. I can't even remember the last time I slept straight through one night. Every time I go to sleep, it's the same thing, waking up at the same time, 3:22 am exactly, every night, without fail. It seems that all I can do to get back to sleep is have a drink.
I never thought I would be here. I thought that my days of bachelorhood were completely over. Coming home from work every day to a beautiful wife and child is what I thought my life would be all about, everything for my family. Now that dream is nothing but a memory for me. Its not even a memory because I never even had it, it's a memory of a dream. I thought that I had a real future with Kem, a future that wasn't based only on the fact that we were having a baby, but I guess I was wrong. I can't help but wonder if she ever loved me or if she was just staying here in Chicago with me because that was the best for our child. These questions plague me every minute of the day. I can't concentrate on anything anymore, my work, my friends, my responsibilities; this is eating me whole.
I've acted like such a jerk lately with all my coworkers. I've been stubborn and confrontational, this is not me. I can't believe the way I just tried to grill Abby about her new boyfriend. I really do want her to be happy, I just don't understand why seeing her with someone else made me jealous. I'm sitting here, pining away for Kem, not Abby, so why do I care so much about who she dates. Maybe it's because I feel that I need her friendship right now and somehow I think that if she's dating someone, I won't get the attention that I want from her. I don't even know how to ask for it.
Maybe I will go to a meeting tonight, if only I can muster up the will power to go. Knowing that Abby will be there is a big comfort, maybe she'll let me buy her a cup of coffee after so I can apologize for being such an ass.
It's the end of my shift and I haven't seen Abby since she left to go to lunch with her boyfriend. I guess I'm going to go to the meeting; I'll just take my chances and see if I can find her once I get there. I walk into the church turned meeting and scout out the place to find Abby. I don't see her anywhere so I just go sit in the corner off to the side. It's been a while since I've been here. All these thought are coming back to me, being here is reminding me that I don't want to be here again, that I don't want to have to come to meetings because I'm using. I don't want this to be my life.
I listen to the speaker for a while and then resort to looking around the room one last time to see if Abby has shown up. I pier a few rows ahead of me and I think that I might see the back of her head. I tilt my head a little bit to see if I can make out her profile, it's her. I let my eyes trail down her arms and then I notice something that I didn't even think about. Her hand is clasped with the man sitting next to her, and guess what, its Seths. I feel like such an idiot. She invited me to come meet her at a meeting that she goes to with her boyfriend, I guess her sober boyfriend. I can't say that I'm not proud of her, this really is her life now, I guess she won't even date a man that drinks; good for her.
The meeting is over and I want to get out of here before Abby sees me here. I rush to get out of my seat, but its too late, I think she has spotted me, but I turn my back and keep walking away, hoping that she'll lose me in the crowd.
"Carter, Carter!"
I hear her calling my name behind me and I know I have to stop now.
"Oh, Abby hi" I pretend like I didn't hear her the first time.
"You came!" She gives me a big smile and I can tell that she's genuinely happy that I'm here. I nod my head at her and notice out of the corner of my eye that Seth is on his way over to us; this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
"John, nice to see you." He shoves his hand between Abby and me for me to shake it. I'm surprised that he remembers my name.
"Likewise Seth"
"Would you like to join us for a cup of coffee?" Ya, that's what I want to do, go out with Abby and her boyfriend. I'll make an excuse.
"I actually need to get back to the hospital, thanks anyway. . . Have a good night guys."
I start to walk down the street to my car and I can hear Abby behind me asking Seth to give her a minute. Damn, I thought I had gotten away!
"Carter" She's calling for me again, what could she possibly want with me? I stop to turn around and I notice the concern on her face.
"You don't have a shift right now, I worked all day with you, remember?"
I give her a stupid grin, raising my hands up in defeat, she caught me lying, but she looks at me like she understands why. I don't have to explain to her, she gets it. I guess I've made it obvious to her that I wouldn't want to hang out with her and Seth.
"Well, maybe we could have coffee tomorrow." She motions over at Seth. "Um, just the two of us?""
"Ya, that sounds good. Good night Abby."
I get in my car and drive home to what will be another lonely and sleepless night. I'm so pathetic. I never should have gone to Africa; I should have stayed in Chicago and tried to work on my relationship with Abby, instead of running away. I don't know how I feel now, all of the sudden I'm jealous. I spent so many years trying to encourage Abby to get her life together, I guess it doesn't feel so good that she's finally got her shit together, but I'm no longer a part of her life. I don't get to reap the benefits of a healthy Abby. I'm jealous that another man gets her, right as she changes into the woman that I always wanted her to be. I will always love her, but I just don't know what way I will love her. Maybe I don't really even want to be with her. Maybe I just feel this way because Kem is gone and it would be so easy to go back to Abby so I wouldn't have to be alone. I guess I will have to feel this out. I don't want to want Abby. It would be easier for me if I could let her go. It would be easiest for me if I could let both woman go, they obviously don't want me.