Chapter Three
It will be carby, I promise, just give it a couple more chapters.
Abbys POV
The car ride with Seth back to my apartment is quiet, I'm quiet. I can't stop thinking about seeing Carter at the meeting tonight. I'm really glad that he came, but I feel bad that I couldn't engage with him more. I invited him to the meeting and I honestly thought that he wouldn't come. He was acting so stubborn today, I was quite surprised. He shouldn't have to deal with me and Seth the first time he comes back to AA. It was insensitive on my part, but I really didn't think he'd show up. Although I didn't mean to hurt him, I still have to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy with my life.
I walk back into my apartment and throw my jacket over a kitchen chair, Seth does the same thing. I start to walk into the bedroom but I feel him tug on my arm bringing me back to him, kissing me and moving his hands to unbutton my shirt. I don't want to shoot him down, but I'm really not in the mood. I pull away from him and tell him that Ill be right back. He watches me walk into the bathroom and I close the door behind me so I can have some privacy. I sit on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands. Why is this so hard? Why does Carter have this effect on me?
"Babe?"
I guess that's what he calls me now. I think I like it actually, but I just don't like it tonight. I wait to answer him, thinking that if I don't say anything, he'll forget that I'm in here.
"Babe" Okay, so it didn't work. I come out of the bathroom with a look of defeat on my face. I didn't want to show him that I was in a shitty mood, but I think its time I open up. I also think tonight's going to be the first night we don't have sex. I hope he's okay with that.
He meets me at the bathroom door with a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong sweetie?" Sweetie? There's a new one, I'm not used to this.
"Nothing, I'm just in a bad mood." He's going to have to drag it out of me. I don't want to be this closed off but I can't help it. He grabs my waist gently pulling me towards him into a hug.
"Its okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He whispers in my ear and strokes the back of my head. Well this is different. No one has ever given me the space I need to work through my own issues. It's funny how when you don't have someone breathing down your back to share your feelings, you all of the sudden want to.
I hug him tighter, I think I could fall in love with this man, he's absolutely perfect.
I crawl into bed and he pulls me over to him, kissing my temple. I pull back from him and for a moment I want to turn my back, but I'm going to resist. I let out a sigh; I think I'm ready to share with him.
"Carter . . . Um John, is my ex-boyfriend" I feel a pit at the bottom of my stomach. "And he's using again . . . and I'm worried about him."
I think I might cry, but I am going to do everything I can not to. I didn't realize how emotional this conversation was going to be. I guess I didn't really believe it until I just said it.
"Oh" He doesn't say much else about this. I guess he's not going to get mad that I haven't told him about my past relationship. He stokes my arm lightly and I don't pull away. I want to be close to him now; I want him to make me forget about carter. I let him hold me and comfort me before I move to pull his shirt off and then pull mine off as well. My prediction of no sex tonight was wrong because I definitely need him to take my mind off of other things.
I walk into work the next morning in a much better mood. I think I'm really falling for Seth now. It seems that he's everything that I want. He's intelligent, successful, responsible, gentle, trustworthy and sober; oh ya, and gorgeous! I walk up to the front desk and I feel eyes on me coming from every direction. I lift my head and look around.
"What?" I say this loudly into the air, directing it to everyone that's looking at me.
"Girlfriend who was that handsome man you were making out with yesterday at admit?" Everyone chimes in, moving closer to get the details from me.
"Oh, that's what this is about . . . and I was not making out with him!" I laugh at all of them, I'm not quite sure that I want to share yet. I turn my back to walk into the lounge; they are just going to have to wait until I'm ready to talk.
I push the door open to the lounge, a smile still on my face, and I run straight into Carters chest.
"Whoa"
He grabs my arms to steady me as I bounce off of him. He definitely looks better today.
"Hey, Sorry" I still have that giddy look on my face from the attention I was getting about Seth.
"What are you so happy about?" He looks at me like he has missed something, but I brush it off.
"Nothing, I was just laughing with Lydia" That's an excuse; I don't want to show too much that I'm happy. I don't want to have to feel guilty about it, so I won't share with him.
"You want to get that coffee on your break" He reaches out to touch my upper arm.
"Um ya, come find me at two?"
Its hours later and I'm sitting on the bench outside slowly sipping a double shot latte next to Carter. He's been pretty quiet most of the time we've been out here. Maybe he just wanted my company, someone to sit with. I debate whether or not I should start the conversation that I thought we were going to have, but I think that he should be the one to initiate this, especially because he shot me down yesterday when I tried to help him out. We both stare off into space for a while but then I turn my body so I'm facing him, letting him know that I'm ready to discuss his problem when ever he is. He turns his head toward me and gives me a half smile. He moves his lips to talk but nothing comes out.
"You don't have to say anything." I don't want to pressure him and I want him to know that he can take his time. I want him to be able to ask me for help, but only when the time is right for him.
"Well, I just don't know where to start." Okay, so maybe he has so much to say that he just needs to take some time to get it out. I'd rather him say a lot than say nothing at all. I don't say anything to encourage him; I'll let him do this on his own.
"I think I want to start by apologizing to you."
"To me?" Maybe for snapping at me yesterday in the lounge.
"Ya . . . Um . . I'm really sorry about the way I left last year, and I'm sorry about leaving again, and I'm sorry about the letter."
"Carter, this isn't about me."
"I know . . . but I just have to say this. Because if I'm going to confide in you as a friend, I need to get this off my chest."
"Okay" It barely comes out of my mouth.
"I'm also sorry about bringing Kem here and not telling you first about the baby before showing up. It was really insensitive of me."
I nod my head to let him know that I'm hearing what he's saying but I want to let him continue to talk. Even though I'll play this cool, I want to hear this apology, I want to hear his reasoning.
"You never once said anything to me about what a jerk I was. I came back here after being such an ass and you completely accepted me back as your friend. I don't think I deserved that."
I've got to think about how I'm going to respond to this. Part of me wants to scream at him and say, damn right! You didn't deserve that! But taking the high road seemed to work for me before, and I guess that's what I should do now.
"You know Carter I changed a lot when you were gone. I discovered myself in ways that I thought I never would, and if you had come back to me after you found Luka, I don't know if I would be the person that I am today. . . And I like that person now." I pause for a while, wanting to choose my words carefully.
"I'm not saying that you weren't an ass, cause you were, but there was no point in getting angry with you. It wouldn't have changed anything or made the situation easier for any of us."
He nods his head as he listens to me, taking a sip of his coffee. I'm not sure that he is going to continue. Maybe that was enough sharing for today. My break is almost over and I move to get up. I know that there is more to talk about. I know that he's got more that he has to say, but I think its going to take him a while till he asks for my help.
"I got to get back" I get up and toss my empty cup into the trash and head back into the hospital.
"Wait! Abby" I turn around and walk back to him with a questioning look on my face.
"I started drinking a couple of weeks ago to help me sleep at night. . . Tequila, . . . it always does the trick."
I let out a deep breath and sit down next to him again.
"Tequila, ha? Great minds crave a like."
We both smile at my comment.
"It hasn't turned into anything serious, but I know it could, so . . ." He pauses for while, like he isn't going to finish. I guess I have to pull it out of him, gently.
"So?" I tilt my head so I can look into his eyes.
"So maybe I should join you a couple nights a week at the church meeting." I nod my head and smile at him, letting him know that I'm proud of his first step.
"I would really like that Carter."
I get up to walk away and I feel carter grab my hand.
"Abby . . . does Seth go to every meeting with you?" He looks completely vulnerable.
"He doesn't have to."
I blush a little as I walk back into the hospital; what am I doing blushing? I'm only helping Carter; we're not going to go to meetings as dates! I hope he knows that, not that I think he wants to date me, but maybe I should make myself clearer. I do understand why he wouldn't want to go to meetings with me and Seth. Just because he's going to open up to me, doesn't mean he has to open up to the man that I'm sleeping with. And I'm really not sure that I would want Seth to be around when I'm spending time with carter anyway.