Chapter four

I told Abby yesterday about my potential drinking problem.  Though it was hard for me to get it out, I feel much better now that I have shared it with someone.  There is hope now. 
I'm not going to depend on anyone to fix my problem for me, but I know that Abby won't let me fall through the cracks.  I think I really need somebody like that in my life right now. 

I can't believe I am back here.  I'm back where I was four years ago.  Single and alone and fighting an addiction.  Even my relationship with Abby has come full circle.  Four years ago she was my sponsor, and so much has happened with us between then and now.  I have so much to thank her for.  I still can't believe what a trooper she was through the sixth months that I was too openly involved with the woman that replaced her. I felt horrible when she told me yesterday that I was a total ass but not only because I am ashamed of myself.  I felt horrible because I hurt her.  I didn't really know that she was hurt; I guess she was just playing it cool.  Since kem left I have had a chance to think about what I did.  I can't say that I completely regret it, or maybe I do.  I'm not quiet sure anymore.

Its six o'clock in the morning and I'm only half awake as I trudge through the snow into the ER.  I'm exhausted today.  I woke up at 3:22 this morning exactly, and once again, I could not get back to sleep.  I would have normally gotten up and fixed myself a drink, but I resisted.  I fought myself for an hour.  It was a hard decision that took a lot of restraint, but I did it, and I fell back asleep, and I lived through it.  So I'm exhausted now, but it was worth it, Abby will be proud. 

Its hours later and the lack of sleep is really catching up with me now.  I feel like I might fall over on the first empty bed I find.  I spot Abby walking my way and I immediately perk up.  I want to tell her about last night.  I know it sounds lame, but that is the best thing that has happened since Kem left.  I feel like I have real hope.

"Hey"  I must look like an idiot, my smile is so big.

"Hi"  She turns as she hears me.

"I can join you at the meeting tonight, I'm off early." 
"Great!"  She shoots me a big smile; I can tell that she's happy that I'm coming.  This is what I need.

I walk into the meeting and spot Abby sitting at the end of the back row.  Her hair is let down, she looks refreshed and happy and alive.  She spots me and waves her hand over, motioning to the empty seat next to her that she saved for me.  I don't see Seth anywhere.  I'm not jealous or anything, but I don't know the guy, and even though Abby and I were over a long time ago, I still don't want to picture her with other men.  I don't think I ever will be able to. 

I sit down next to her and she squeezes my leg lightly twice, making a friendly gesture without disrupting the speaker.  She turns to me and smiles sweetly and I am all of the sudden hit with a flood of emotions.  How did I ever let her go?  Why couldn't I give her the time she needed to become the amazing person that she is now?  Why did I ever go off to the Congo?  Did I ever really love Kem, or did I just love the idea of a family?

I loosen the tie around my neck, I feel like I can't breath; I'm drowning in the bad decisions that I have made.  I cover my eyes with my hands, trying to shake myself out of my reverie and then I hear Abby's voice and that does the trick.

"Carter"  She whispers, looking at me with wide eyes like I'm crazy.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."  I'm trying to convince myself too.

She looks at me again, she doesn't believe me.  I straighten up and stretch my back out resuming to a semi normal state.  I don't know what's happening, it's like I can't control my feelings.  Abby seems like she's got it all together.  She's a rock, a beautiful rock.  This is so attractive to me. 

I try to relax and listen to the speaker to get my mind off of all of this.  I don't need to be obsessing over my ex-girlfriend right now, who happens to have a boyfriend, who happens to be here!  Oh, damn, he's here, three rows ahead of us.  I wonder if Abby knows.  I wonder if she was holding his hand and kissing him just right before I showed up. 

"Hey, is that your boyfriend"  I whisper to her and point in his direction.
"Ah, ya, I didn't think he was coming tonight . . . and he's not my boyfriend, were just dating."

Why she had to clarify that for me, I don't know.  Maybe that's a good sign; she doesn't want me to think she has a boyfriend.  Maybe there is hope for me.

The meeting is over and I walk over to grab us some coffee.  On my way back I spot Seth and Abby in the corner talking.  I approach slowly, neither one of them seeing me, and I can tell that they are fighting.  I can hear Seth's voice blurred a little.  I'm pretty sure he's yelling.  I'm not sure what this is about, but somehow it isn't ending well because Seth has just walked away, leaving Abby with her head in her hands.  I walk up to her slowly and rest my hand on the small of her back.  She lifts her head up at me and I can see that she's upset. I play dumb.

"What's wrong?"  I ask her gently.
"Nothing . . . I just . . . nothing"  She nods her head, trying to convince me that she's okay.

"Abby"  I give her a look just like one that she gave me yesterday.  The look that says "spill it"

"He's just being an asshole"  She brushes me off.

"I hope that wasn't because you were with me."  She looks up at me, silently communicating that that was his problem.  She rolls her eyes and takes her coffee from my hand.
"Don't worry about it Carter"  She speaks quietly, her eyes now focused on the floor.

"Abby, you should go after him.  He looked pissed."

"I don't want to."  She says it so plainly, shaking her head and giving me a half smile, like he doesn't matter.  I think she's hurt buy him and the one thing Abby doesn't chase after is confrontation.  That part of her, I guess she hasn't changed.

I walk with her down the street to our cars, she's quiet since her argument with Seth and I'm feeling like I need to start a conversation, something to take her mind off of him. 

"I never officially congratulated you on your residency.  I'm really proud of you."
"Thank you."  She pauses for a long while.  "Really, you actually aided in the journey a lot more than you think."

"What do you mean?" 
"Well, I don't really know if I would have gone back to medical school if you hadn't stayed in the Congo . . . not that I'm glad you did or anything, but"
She laughs a little, she's probably unsure about the way that I am going to take her confession.  "I don't know how to explain."  She's blushing a little; it's time to jump in and save her.

"Well, I think I understand."  I smile to reassure her. 

"And I still have to get on the carter family payment plan to reimburse you back for that last semester of med school."

"Abby, you know I'm not going to let you pay me back"  I would never want her too, I don't even know where she would get the money.

"Carter I don't think I feel comfortable with that . . . I just . . ."  She's got no argument; I'm going to win this one.

"Look, I'll tell you what, you continue going to meetings with me a couple times a week, and you let me buy you a coffee at least once a week afterward, and that can be your form of payment." 

She laughs at me and shakes her head.  She can't say no to me, I've got her.  We walk up to her car; I wish that it was further away so I could spend more time with her. 

"Thank you for coming with me"  I say it a little bashfully. 
"Carter, I would have gone anyway"  She gives me a look that tells me there is no need for thank yous. 

"Okay, what I really meant to say was thanks for ditching your non- boyfriend for me"  She laughs at my comment.

"Any time" 

She gets in her car and I watch her drive away.  It's funny how an evening with Abby can make me forget all about Kem.