Chapter Five
I creep into the darkness of my lonely apartment, pulling my feet into my bedroom and over to the lamp where I switch it on. I sit down on my bed and take a deep breath and think about today's events. I was really happy that Carter showed up at the meeting tonight, I can see that he's really trying hard to sober up. I can also see that he's trying hard to be a good friend to me. I like that, its like were back to where we started, and that was probably the healthiest time in our relationship. As for Seth, I just don't know how to deal with him. Tonight was the first time he got mad at me and the first time he lost his cool. I didn't want to tell carter, because it just would have made him feel bad, but our fight was really about him. He told me that he didn't want me to hang out with my ex-boyfriend. It didn't seem like it bothered him a couple nights ago when I told him that I was worried about carter, but I guess now his true feeling are coming out and I don't think I like this jealous side of him. I also will be friends with whom ever I want, and if that includes helping out an ex-boyfriend, who still means a lot to me, then so be it. I didn't even really care when Seth stormed out of the meeting. I had a cup of coffee and a good conversation with Carter. Somehow that seemed more fulfilling than going home with Seth just to fuck.
I trudge into my bathroom and start to clean, I want to busy myself, and I don't want to think about my argument with Seth. I'm starting to feel like I need another change. I'm not looking for a drastic change; I just need to do something to make me feel better. I move in front of the mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. I look tired and awful, and my hair is ratty and knotted. That's it! I'll dye my hair tonight. I've been feeling like I need a change, and instead of changing a career, I'll change my hair color back to dark brown.
I reach under my sink and rummage through all my hair products. I pull out a bottle that I bought months ago and never used, "Dark Chocolate Kiss".
I walk back into the ER for my morning shift and I have to say that I feel refreshed and alive again. I look different and feel different and I am ready for a new day. My hair is now a soft dark brown. It's healthier, vibrant and shinny and it brings out the green in my eyes in a way that the blond never did. I like my new look; I feel confident and young again. I walk up to the board and grab a couple charts to work up some new patients and I all of the sudden drop them on the floor, all the papers scattering everywhere. Good job Abby! I bend down to pick them up, kneeling so I could gather all of them together. I hear a voice above me.
"Jerry, have you seen Abby"
Its Carters voice. I think he's looking down at me in front of him, but he can't tell its me because he can't see my face and the back of my head is a different color.
"Ah, no, I don't think she's in yet."
I laugh at this quietly; I'll let him know I'm here when I finish picking up all these papers. Or maybe not. He bends down to help me, not even looking at my face before he starts to grab some papers off the floor. He finally looks my way.
"Abby!"
He falls backward on his ass as he stares at me with his jaw on the floor. He doesn't say anything else, he's speechless. Maybe he likes my hair just as much as I do. I stand over him with my hands on my waist.
"I . . . I didn't know that was you"
I laugh at him and extend my hand to help him up.
"You look. . . hot! I mean . . . I mean your hair looks really good."
He's totally embarrassed and I think shocked that he just blurted out that I look hot. He grabs my hand and I help him get up.
"Sorry" His face is red from blushing.
"Don't apologize, I'll take that compliment." Okay, now I think I'm blushing, and flirting, what's with me? Maybe it's the hair. I bend down to grab the rest of my charts only to get up and notice Carter staring at me. I look away instantly; I don't want him to know that I caught him. He already is embarrassed enough for one day.
I know he thinks that I look good, and a change can always be sexy, but I can't help but think that carter is starting to have romantic feeling for me again. It's been evident over the last couple of days and I'm quite confused about it. I don't know if I should talk to him about this or if I should let him come to me on his own. I stand at the desk pondering my situation when all of the sudden I see Seth walking in the front doors of the ER. I look down at my charts and then look up at him to meet his eyes.
"Can I talk to you?" I start to walk away and I feel him at my heels.
"I'm working Seth, I can't talk now"
"What'd you do to your hair, I like it better blond" I look at him appalled. Even if he didn't like my hair, he shouldn't tell me that.
"Don't change the subject, and thanks a lot!"
"Abby please, just give me five minutes"
"You don't deserve five minutes" I start to write out a chart, hoping that he'll give up.
"Fine, bye then"
I keep my head down and then look up at him as he walks away. I can't believe he came to my work after he was such a jerk at the meeting. He showed me a side of him that I hated, a side of him that was aggressive and angry and irrational. I'm really not sure how we can work this situation out. He wants me not to be friends with Carter anymore, and that is just not something I'm willing to give up, especially at a time when he needs me the most. I see Carter walking up to me with a questioning look on his face.
"What was all that about?" He's interested in my relationship issues. I hope were not getting into that same type of relationship we had when I was dating Luka. Or maybe I do, I enjoyed that relationship, I like having him as a friend.
"Uh . . . meet me for coffee in an hour?"
"Sure."
"He came here to talk to me, either he was going to apologize or he was going to yell at me some more."
"He's mad that you were with me at the meeting, right?"
I guess I have to tell him, he's not dumb, he already knows anyway. I don't even have to answer him.
"Well does he know that were just good friends?" That sounds like what I told him to tell Rena a couple years back when she was feeling threatened over our relationship.
"He doesn't look at it that way; he looks at you as an ex-boyfriend, which is an automatic "no" in his book"
"I guess I could go to other meetings by myself" He suggests this with a sad look on his face.
"No, Carter, I don't want to do that" I'm no going to give into Seth that easily, besides I want to be a part of carters life again, I want to be his close friend, and I know that I cant date anyone that has a problem with that.
"I was hoping you'd say that, cuz I probably wouldn't end up going if I had to go alone."
I smile at him laughing a little at his candidness.
"But Abby, just let me know when you want me to step back and I will, because I really want you to be happy, and if you have to stop spending time with me to work it out with him, if you want to be with him, maybe that's what you should do. I don't want you to resent me later, if your relationship with Seth doesn't work out"
Through all the crap I have been through with this man, he continues to surprise me. He can be the sweetest person in the world at times.
"That's really sweet of you carter. Right now I don't even want to think about this whole situation. I want to focus more on this" I motion with my hand from him to me. "You know staying sober and getting sober" I motion to him "and working and being a good person and fitting into this world the way I'm meant to, ya know?" I stop and think for a second, I'm not really sure what I think about this whole thing. "Maybe I just need a break from him; I've spent way too much time with him since we met. I don't know, I think I need to step back and give it a chance to cool down."
"Do you have feelings for him?" He looks at me like he's hoping that ill say
no, but I am just going to be honest.
"I thought I did . . . but yesterday he showed me this side of him that I just
can't tolerate well."
"You'll figure it Abby, just give yourself some time, be strong and follow your heart"