I walk back into county and see a couple making out on the bench in the ambulance bay.  How obnoxious, get a room.  Okay, I'm bitter that I have no one to make out with.  I'm almost through the door when I take a double take at the couple.  Its Abby and Seth, I didn't recognize her because I had forgotten that she changed her hair color.  I'm frozen in my spot for a second and I can't stop staring, it's like watching a bad accident or something, you can't help but look.  I though she was fighting with him, I thought she was going to dump him.  I wonder what happened between yesterday and now.  They have obviously made up; she obviously let him off the hook.  I can't help but feel a pang of jealously, she shouldn't be with him, he's not right for her.  He's not willing to treat her like the princess that she is.  I'm not sure yet if I want to be that person. But if it's not going to be me, it better be somebody good enough for her.  He's not good enough for her.  As I stand here watching, unable to take my eyes off of her, I can't help but think that she gave into him; did she tell him that she wouldn't be friends with me?  Am I not Abbys friend anymore?  Suddenly I'm angry, I'm upset with Abby and furious with the man that is taking her away from me.  I want to punch him to the ground and tell him that he's ruining everything for us.  And then it hits me- why all of the sudden is there an us?  How did this become about me being jealous?  How did this become about me really being the one that wants to sit on the bench outside of the hospital and make out with Abby?

I have to admit, the second I saw her yesterday I flipped out over her new look.  I can't believe how beautiful she looked, her chocolate brown hair cascading over her shoulders and more than half way down her back was the sexiest I have ever seen her look in my five years of knowing her.  I couldn't stop staring at her yesterday; I have never been more attracted to her before.  I'm still staring right now, although I think she has just caught me looking at her and Seth as she opened her eyes for a second.  I quickly walk into the ER, not wanting her to notice me, but almost relieved that she did.  Now she knows that she's going to have to explain her situation, I don't have to confront her and ask. 

Its five hours later and I haven't seen Abby since she was on the bench outside, which probably means that she is avoiding me.  I double check her schedule just to make sure that she's still here, the schedule confirms that she is.  It's slow right now and since I am going to be on for another 22 hours, I figure I should take a rest in the on call room while I can.  I walk into the dark room and sit on the edge of the bed, taking off my lab coat and throwing it aside.  I move to lie on the bed and feel somebody already there. 

"Ahh . . who's that?"  That's Abbys grumpy voice, I guess she's been in here the whole time I thought she was avoiding me.

"Its me"  I whisper to her in the dark.

"Oh"

"I haven't seen you all night; I thought you were avoiding me."

"I was sleeping Carter, but no thanks to you, I'm not anymore" 

"Sorry, move over"  I push her a little to the side.

"I made up with Seth"  She offers this info like I didn't see her making out with him in the ambulance bay earlier. 

"Ya, I saw that"

"I know, I'm sorry"  She admits it.

"Don't apologize; I just hope that I wasn't sacrificed for the sake of the relationship"

"You weren't sacrificed, although, I don't think I can go with you to meetings much"

"What?"  I am totally confused.  She said yesterday that she wasn't going to let him tell her that she can't go to meetings with me.
"I really want to be your friend Carter and I will always be here for you if you need me, but I can't go with you to meetings anymore, that's something I do with Seth, and I think it sends him the wrong message when I tell him that I'm going too go with you instead of him"

"Got ya"  I get up off the bed, put my lab coat back on and walk toward the door that I just entered. 

"Carter, wait, don't go"  The door slams and cuts her off.  I run out the double doors into the fresh air of the ambulance bay and start toward the bench by the river.  I feel like I can't breath, I'm loosing Abby, I feel her slipping away by the second.  I can't believe she gave into him after she told me yesterday that she wasn't going to.  What could have happened?  Is she scared of him?  Is she scared to tell him that she is going to be my friend no matter what?  What could he have done to change her mind?  She was so sure of herself yesterday. 

I let the wind fall in my face and take a seat on the bench in defeat. I lift my head up towards the sky and bask in the sun light.  That's it, I surrender.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

"Will you just let me explain?"  Its Abby, I guess she followed me out here.  I look at her hard and then lift my head back to the sky closing my eyes.

"Look, I told you to save the relationship and you did.  I'm not mad at you . . . I'm just angry at myself."

She moves to the bench and sits down on the other side of it.

"I want to tell you why I did it."  I have no idea what she's about to say and I really want to know why, so I just look at her and wait for her to explain.  She looks at me and takes a deep breath I think she is about to pour her heart out.

"I was thinking last night about the way that you left last year and I was also thinking about the way that I dealt with it.  I know that you were really proud of the way that I handled everything, the letter, Kem, the baby."  She looks straight ahead, it's like she's in a trance.  She is talking slowly and gently, I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but I can already tell that she is probably going to.  Its okay, I think that I deserve it from her.  She pauses before she goes on. 

"But, I didn't show you the part of me that was angry at you, and hurt, and humiliated.  I don't even know if you ever knew how much you hurt me.  In time I got over that John, and I never got mad and I never yelled and I never even told you how I felt.  After some time went by I just didn't think it mattered anymore."   She grabs my hand and I brace myself, this is the part where she's going to rip my heart out and stomp all over it.  "I really care about you, and I am so happy that we were able to find this connection again, and be there for each other when we need someone, because there was a time when I thought we could never have a friendship again, but last night when I was fighting with Seth, this bulb went off in my head that made everything so clear"  This is it, here it comes.   "It took you very little time to find somebody else and fall in love, and now I want to do that.  I want to fall in love; I want to have somebody in my life."  She gives me a half smile. "I can't pick you over somebody that has that potential. I . . . I don't want to sacrifice that.  I can't pick you over someone that I might marry and have children with.  I want to move on and be happy.  If that means that I can't be your best friend, then were going to have to deal with that."  She finally looks at me and she has tears in her eyes.  She's breaking my heart, but I can tell that her heart is breaking as well.  "You picked someone else John, and now I have to do that also."  I let her hand go, releasing her physically and figuratively as well.  She reaches out for my face and gently grabs it in her hands.  "I'm really sorry that Kem left you, and I am even more sorry for the loss of your child, but I think you need to grieve with out me for a while."  She brings my head down gently and kisses my cheek as I feel one of her tears slide down my own face.  She lets me go and stands up to walk away.  My heart is racing; I have to do something to make her change her mind, to get her to stay here so I can persuade her not to drop me.  I watch as her long brown hair blows in the wind as her body becomes smaller and smaller in the distance that she has created.

"Abby!"  I call out to her, not knowing what I'm going to say.  She turns around and stares at me, her eyes red and swollen.

"I'm in love with you!"  I cant believe I just yelled it out.  I love her, I really do.  She starts to walk back to me, I cant read the expression on her face at all.  As she gets closer I can see that her expression isn't what I was hoping, I think she's angry. 

"You cant say that now!"  She's yelling, loud.  "You have no right to tell me that!  You don't even mean it. You don't love me john, you just don't want anyone else to have me!"

I should of seen this coming, the breakdown, the one she should have had a long time ago, the one that I expected when I came back to Chicago with Kem.  She hid her feelings for so long, she even admit that to me, and now they are all going to come out.  Its her turn to get mad and my turn to take a beating.  I stand here with nothing to say.  I don't know what to say. She starts to walk away and I grab her.

"Don't tell me that you haven't been feeling anything, don't tell me that I don't mean anything to you."  I cant help but yell too, I'm so frustrated.

"You meant something to me before you went off to the Congo and came back with a new fucking life!"  She has silenced me.  "I cant believe what you did, I cant believe that for seven months I had to work with you everyday with the humiliation of being dumped in a god damn letter!  Do you know how it felt to get that letter from you?  Do you know how it felt for everyone in the whole fucking hospital to be reading it behind your back?!!"  She has lost it, I've never seen Abby so angry, and I've never heard her voice this loud. 

I chime in hoping to calm her down.

"I don't know what I was thinking and I regret it so so much"  I cant yell at her because I know she's right.  I lower the tone of my voice hoping that she'll follow because we are causing a huge scene here.

"You don't really regret it carter!"  She walks up to me closely like she is about to swallow me whole.  She lowers her voice so the rest of the world cant hear her anymore. She's got tears streaming down her face. "The only reason you regret it is because she dumped you and now you're alone, and the only reason you want me now is because you can't have her.  Well I'm sorry carter, but life doesn't work that way."

She quickly turns around and walks away from me.  My first inclination is to follow her and explain, to tell her she's wrong, but I think that I have to give her some time to calm down.  I sit back on the bench and think about what she said.  I cant believe the emotion and the furry that just came out of Abbys tiny little body. My mind is blank, I simply don't have a clue how I could explain to her what I'm feeling.  I cant even explain it to myself, but she probably wouldn't even let me talk to her if I could.  All I know is that I want to be with her.  I just don't know how to prove it to her.