Chapter Seven
I turn my back and run away from carter, I want to get as far away from him as I can. I can't believe what he just said to me and I can't believe how loud I just yelled at him. I am so confused right now, I don't know what to think or feel. I just know that I'm angry and hurt and upset that it took carter so long to realize that he wants to be with me. And I don't even think he knows what he wants. I don't even think that he really wants me. He wants the idea of me, someone that has their life together, someone that's sober and supportive, and someone that isn't going to leave him and go back half way across the world. I know he's lonely but that doesn't give him the right to use me. I am the only person that he can depend on, of course he wants to be with me, I'm the other option, the option that's safe and available, and I don't want him to be with me for just those reasons. That's not fair to me or to him either.
I turn the corner, my eyes still wet from crying, and run directly into Seth.
"Hey I was looking for you" He looks closer and notices that I've been crying "What's wrong babe?"
"What are you doing here?" I try to distract him.
"I came to pick you up, isn't your shift over?"
"Um, ya, lets go" I hurry him along, I don't want him to see carter, incase he followed me.
"Abby, what's wrong?" He grabs my arm harshly to stop me from walking ahead of him.
"Nothing, I was just fighting with John" He looks at me almost like he's angry. He shouldn't mind that we were fighting, if anything he should be happy.
"I didn't know that you too were close enough to be having a fight" he has a skeptical look on his face like I have just cheated on him or something, but I can look at this objectively and see it his way but I'm in no mood to discuss this, and actually this whole fight has just made me angry with Seth also, for forcing me to make a choice. I'm confused, and I need some time away from both of them to figure out what I want.
"Seth, its complicated, and I have to go back to work actually, I'm covering for Chuny tonight." I lie about covering but I don't want to go home with him right now. I need to be by myself tonight and I need to get away from him before he really sees how upset I am.
"You just said that you were ready to go." Now he's mad at me, that's just what I need.
"Well, I forgot that I had to stay" I'm short with him, I just want him to leave.
"Whatever Abby"
He walks away angry, I think he knows that I'm lying, but by now I just don't care. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at carter and all I know is that the one thing that would make me feel better should not be entering my mind right now. I know what I need to do. I should go to a meeting.
It's about an hour later and I walk into the church and sit in an aisle seat near the door. I'm exhausted and drained and I don't really want to be here, but I have to be disciplined and I need to make the best of this. The meeting is half way over when I get up from my seat to use the bathroom and as I'm walking towards it I spot carter sitting in the aisle seat in the back row. I have to walk down the aisle to get to the restroom so I can't avoid him, at least it's the middle of the meeting and he can't say anything to me unless he is going to disrupt the whole thing. I approach him and notice his eyes on me, he tries to make eye contact but I continue to walk past him without looking directly at him. I should have known he would be here tonight, he is trying to attend meetings on a daily basis and I'm sure that he was also hoping that he would run into me.
I enter the bathroom and splash some water on my face. It's hard to attend a meeting and actually get something out of it, when the reason you want to drink is sitting in the back aisle. I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes still haven't recovered from the cry fest I had this afternoon. I start to walk back to my seat and I am about to pass carter when I feel him grab my hand as I try to move past him. My body jerks lightly, as my legs keep moving and my hand almost stays behind with the person tugging on it. He brings me back to him as I stand over him in the aisle and stare into his eyes to let me go. I don't say anything, I just look into his face and he looks at mine. He's trying to communicate through our eyes. I think my eyes are telling him to fuck off, his eyes are begging me to sit down next to him. I pull a little bit and he lets me go. I can feel his eyes on me, watching as I sit down. How am I going to get out of here tonight without him cornering me and making me listen to his explanation, which I'm just not ready to hear yet. I'm scared to listen to him. I know he'll come to his senses at some point and realize that he's not in love with me. It has just hit me, like a ton of bricks as I sit here in this meeting. Maybe I want him to love me, maybe I'm mad because I don't think it's true, that he is going to inevitably tell me that I was right, that he was just upset and confused because the one that he truly loved has left him. Maybe I'm still in love with him, and that's why it hurts so much.
I change position in my seat, I'm all of the sudden ridiculously uncomfortable. Am I still in love with Carter? I think I might turn my head to look back at him, I just have to see his face and then I will know. I slowly turn my head and our eyes meet, he was already looking my way. I can read so much just by his expression. He feels horrible. I swallow hard and close my eyes as I return to the original position that I was sitting in before. I need to talk to him, I have to let him explain his feelings to me; I need to give him a chance.
The meeting is over and I walk outside, not trying to evade him because I know that he'll catch me anyway, besides I think I now want to hear the explanation. I sit on the bench outside and wait for him to walk out. He spots me and comes to sit next to me, keeping his distance; he probably thinks that I'm going to yell again.
"I don't know what to say" He fidgets with his tie and then loosens it so it falls over his chest.
"I'm sorry that I yelled so much before" I guess I owe him an apology for almost blowing out his ear drum.
"You don't have to apologize Abby, maybe I should have kept my feelings to myself" He looks as if he's got no hope, like he's got no fight left in him. I want to scream at him, Come on Carter, fight for me! I take a deep breath.
"I would have never thought that you would want to be with me again, I guess the idea of it is pretty shocking, and confusing and I just . . . I just don't get it carter. Kem left like six weeks ago, and your alone and your vulnerable and I understand why spending time with me and going to meetings with me could bring up those past feelings but . ."
He cuts me off.
"But what? All I know is that when I'm with you, I don't think about her at all. In fact, I haven't thought about her one time since the first meeting I met you at last week. I think about you, Abby. I think about how beautiful you are and how much you have grown in the past year, how hard you have worked and how disciplined you are about attending meetings and staying sober. You have become the woman that I always knew that was inside of you, this confident and sexy and stunning person that I just can't imagine my life without."
"Carter, stop saying those things." My voice comes out in a raspy whisper, I feel like I am going to cry for the second time today. He has somehow inched a lot closer to me and I can feel his hands on my back rubbing me lightly.
"I don't want to, I want to tell you everything." He slowly reaches his hand out to sweep my bangs away from my face and settles it on my cheek. I don't know why but I lean into him. I close my eyes and let it happen, I am speechless. He pulls my face closer to him and my eyes remain closed, I think he's going to kiss me and I don't even want to look, because I know this is wrong. I feel his breath closer and then his lips are softly upon mine. I don't pull away, although I know that I should. I let him kiss me softly, my upper lip between his two, gently. I pull away slowly and open my eyes and I see someone standing in back of carter, facing me. I take a double glance at the man, its Seth! I look up for the second time and brace myself; this is going to be a big scene. I don't say anything as I look into his eyes; I don't know what to do.
"I should have known you were a slut"
He says it simply, like it was his mistake. I don't reply, I still don't know what to say and I watch him walk away. I sit here silently nodding my head like I knew this was coming. Carter doesn't know what to do either. He moves back over to the other side of the bench and puts his head in his hands. What kind of mess have we gotten ourselves into!? I take a deep breath and get off the bench, walking past carter, I run to catch up with Seth, but he has already taken off. I turn around and see carter still sitting on the bench in the distance. I look at him for a second and I know I can't walk back over to him now. I have to leave him there; I need to take care of myself. I walk down the street and get into my car, tears flowing down my cheeks. I sit here for what feels like hours; I don't know where to go or what to do. I hit the steering wheel hard with my fist and cry loudly. Why did he have to kiss me? I tried so hard not to feel anything but I couldn't help it, I felt everything.