Chapter Eight

I walk back into my apartment after sitting on the bench outside of the church for what seemed like an hour. I think I was waiting for Abby to come back, although I knew that she wouldn't. I can't believe that I kissed her, what surprised me even more is that she let me. The minute I touched my lips to hers I felt this rush of electricity between us and I know she felt it too. I wonder what would have happened if Seth had never showed up and ruined our moment. I guess she caught up with him when she ran after him, I wonder if he forgave her. I wonder if she even asked him to.

I sit on the edge of my bed, slip my shoes off and crawl in all on my lonesome. I am pathetic, I should just let her go, I don't deserve to have her anyway. I should just let the whole fantasy of ever having a woman in my life go down the drain. There is nothing left for me to do today, there is nothing left for me to mess up, so I guess I should try to get some rest.

I walk into work this morning having barely slept last night. My mind wouldn't stop running. I kept thinking about Abby and what she said to Seth to make him forgive her. My sadistic mind even wondered if they had makeup sex. I hope not. I can't imagine his hands on her, her kissing him, like she has kissed me before. I was nauseous all evening thinking about them. I bet he took her back, hell I would take her back too. She could do anything to me and I would still want her.

The hospital is busy today and it seems like everyone has got something to do but me. Maybe that's because I haven't picked up a single patient yet, I've been to busy pitying myself. I continue to stand here at the admit desk staring into space, when I all of the sudden I see the object of my affection walking through the hospital in the distance. She is beautiful, a goddess. I can't resist staring at her, it's like I don't even have a choice. She has decided to wear her hair down today, which she never does and the contrast of her chocolate hair on her white lab coat is almost blinding. She is shining, brightly. She is wearing a bit of makeup today, her lips are painted a pale pink and she looks almost happy, but not quite there. It's like the makeup is a mask, she looks beautiful, but it's not her. She is trying to look happy, but I see right through her. She walks by me and gives me a half smile, flipping her hair out of her face and behind her shoulders. I can smell her as she walks by. It's that simple but beautiful Abby smell, the one that she doesn't wear, but embody. Its cinnamon, vanilla, honey, and lavender. She is talking to another doctor; I think I recognize her from cardiology. I'd like to think that she didn't stop to talk to me because she is busy with a consult. Maybe that is the truth.

I see her break away from the doctor and head into the lounge. I debate whether or not I want to follow her; I'm just not sure what to do here. I don't want to pressure her, but I don't know how long I have to wait until I can ask her if she has thought about what she is going to do about out little situation. Maybe I'm being dumb here. Maybe her not saying anything to me means that she isn't going to pick me and she doesn't want to have to tell me, so she's ignoring it. I choose not to follow her into the lounge, if she is going to let me down, I'd rather it be later than sooner. I move away from the spot I have been standing in for way to long and I finally pick up a patient. I drag my feet over to curtain area one and pull back the curtain to reveal a fireman sitting on a gurney with his shirt off, icing his shoulder. Even though I am not gay, I know that this man is good looking. If I had to look like someone else, I would pick this guy.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter."

"Josh Holden"

"What seems to be the problem with your shoulder Josh?"

"I fell on it when we were doing a practice drill. I think I pulled it out of the socket or something."

I look over to the gurney next to Josh and see a young little girl weeping softly. She must be only about five years old. I motion to Josh that I will be just a second as I approach the little girl to see if she's okay.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter, what's your name?"

"Molly" I reach over to the little girl and rub her back to calm her down.

"Molly, do you remember your doctor's name" I ask her gently.

"Lockhart" It's Abby's voice that answers, she is leaning against the doorframe. She walks into the room and sits on the bed next to us.

"Come here sweetheart, is your tummy hurting again?" She pulls the child into her arms as I move back to attend to my patient. I am totally distracted as I half listen to Josh as he describes his pain to me. I am looking at him, but steeling glances at Abby as she comforts the little girl. I never realized how amazing she is with children. She would be the most wonderful mother. I look back at my patient, even as his lips move, I can tell that he is distracted as well, he's staring at her too. I hope she doesn't notice him; he's way better looking than I am. She rocks the little girl until she falls asleep, and then she places her back into her bed and covers her with a sheet. I watch her as she turns to leave, waiting for her to look my way to make some kind of eye contact with me. She finally looks over here before she leaves the room and I notice my patient smiling at her, as I am also. We must look like a bunch of idiots.

"Damn, every time I come in here I am never lucky enough to get her as my doc, she's bangin'!"

Oh, this guy wants to talk to me about his crush on Abby! How ironic! I think I want to hurt his shoulder even more.

"I think she's got a boyfriend man" I say it bitterly, even though its only half true, I'd say anything to keep this good looking guy away from her.

I walk out of the exam room and she is right outside the door looking at some x-rays on the wall. I hope she didn't just hear my conversation with the fireman, although I didn't say anything wrong.

"Hi" I lean against the wall and slide my feet out so I am standing at her eye level.

"You look tired." She looks my way and then back at her films.

"Right back at ya. . .You were really good with molly, you're going to have to teach me one day how to put kids to sleep like that."

"It's a gift" She smiles slightly at me.

"Do you think you have some time to get some coffee and talk a little later?" I dance around her like she might yell at me to go away any minute.

"I need some more time Carter" She is suddenly very interested in the floor.

I nod my head and squeeze her arm gently, making her lift her head so she is looking at my face, then I move past her and walk away.

I walk around my lonely apartment in the dark and light some candles to illuminate the objects around me. I'm too depressed to turn on the lights. I didn't see Abby again for the rest of my shift. It guess it was better that way, I was able to give my patients the attention they deserve because I wasn't busy gazing at her like a fool. I fall onto the couch, my body aching. Aching from a long day at work and aching because I need to feel her. I want her near me at all times, like a drug, I can't seem to get enough of her. I feel like a lovesick child with a crush on my school teacher. I am a sad little puppy.

How did I get here? I feel like I did four years ago when Abby was with Luka and I was just waiting for them to break up so I could finally get the girl. And I did get her, I finally got her, and then I lost her. Maybe that was my one chance with her; maybe I don't get another one. I guess I'm going to have to accept that. I screwed up the first time, why should she come back to me again?

I slip my shirt off and spread out my body on the couch to relax, I feel like I haven't slept in days and I probably won't be able to sleep much tonight either. I know I won't be able to get my mind off of Abby. I am all of the sudden too exhausted to keep my brain running and I can feel it slowly shutting down, I think I can sleep now, my body cant take it anymore. I feel my self falling deeper and deeper and then I am out.

It must be hours later when I am jolted out of a dead sleep by a harsh knocking at the door. I rub my eyes quickly and get up from the couch, still semi asleep. I catch a glimpse at the clock as I approach the front door, its two thirty in the morning, who could be at my door this late? I open the door and on the other side of it is the person that I was just dreaming of, she is outstanding, beautiful, wearing her flannel pajama pants and slippers, her dark chocolate hair cascading down her back in big waves. She is the cutest person in the world, although right now she looks confused and upset, which sometimes makes her look even cuter.

"I broke up with Seth" She whispers in a monotone voice, not really focusing her eyes on anything in particular. I take a deep breath and lean against the door frame.

"I'm sorry Abby"

"No you're not" She gives me a half smile and moves past me into my apartment. Maybe she isn't as upset as she appears to be.

"Okay, so maybe I'm not." I roll my eyes and follow her closely as she takes a seat on one of my bar stools. "Why did you do it?" I have to ask her, although I would like to think the reason was because she wants to be with me, you never know when it comes to Abby.

"Because I don't think I would have let you kiss me if I didn't want you to." I move closer so my body is in between her legs and I am suddenly aware that I am not wearing a shirt. I run my hands down her arms and I can see goose bumps budding in my wake. I move my hands up to her neck and breathe into her ear.

"Well I want to again" I can feel her shiver underneath me, her hands reaching out to my bare chest.

"Well you better" She gives me the sexiest, most seductive look I have ever seen from her, this is a side of the new Abby that I have never experienced. I bend down and press my lips against hers in a fierce kiss. I have kissed this woman hundreds of times, but somehow this feels new to me. It's exciting and different and full of so much passion that was never there before. I move my hands down her body and lift her off of the stool and on to the higher kitchen counter, so I don't have to bend down so far. She wraps her legs around my body as our tongues continue to explore each others mouths. Our lips start to move slower and I gently pull back from her to look her in the eyes. I sweep my fingers across her forehead to pull the hair out of her face. I touch my forehead to hers and gently kiss the tip of her nose, I want to make sure she is feeling this with all the emotion that I am. I need to be sure that she is present, that she wants this the same way I do. I rub my hands down her back and whisper to her in the darkness.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I need her to know that I don't want to take advantage of her, but I also need her to remember that I am fragile too.

"Yes" She speaks quickly and jumps off the counter, pulling me towards my bedroom.

"Really, because maybe you should take some time to think about this" I grab her hand and bring her back to wear I am standing.

"Carter, no, I want this" She pulls me closer and kisses me softly, rubbing circles down my chest and then undoing the buttons on my pants. "I want you" I take a deep breath; I have to make sure that she isn't going to sleep with me and then run away. As hard as it is to stop her now, I put my hands over hers and move them away from my fly.

"Abby, I don't want to get my heart broken again." She closes the distance between us, kissing my chest and slowly running her fingers down my back. She looks into my eyes and I instantly know the answer to my question.

"Come on" She smiles seductively and in one swift motion I pick her up and she wraps her legs around me. I carry her to the bedroom, never breaking our deep kiss.

We make love for what seems like hours, I don't want to let go of her; what if she's not here when I wake up? I want to get as much of her as I can just in case she changes her mind in the morning. Day light is breaking through my curtains as she lies on my chest silently; we are both sated and spent. I play with her long hair that is fanned out over her back. I lift her bangs out of her eyes to check to see if she's asleep. A part of me wants her to be asleep because I am a little afraid of how she is going to handle all of this in the morning, as long as she is asleep, she will be in my arms. She stirs a little.

"I'm awake"

"It's early" I trace my fingers down her arms,

"I can't sleep" I forgot how sweet and innocent she sounds when she's tired.

"Why"

"I don't know"

I lift my body to gently push her off of me and on to her back. I climb over her and kiss her neck, then rest my head on her breast and wrap my arms around her small frame, pulling her closer to me.

"What are you doing" She rubs my back and kisses my forehead.

"I'm pinning you down" She laughs at me. "So when you decide that this was a mistake, you can't leave without a negotiation" I joke with her, but there is a part of me that wants her to know that I am a little scared.

"I'm not leaving, I just can't sleep" She replies in a crabby voice and laughs again and pushes me back on to my back and climbs on top of me. Of course, I let her; she can do anything she wants to me. I grab a big piece of her hair and pull her down to me, kissing her neck.

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your new hair color?"

"I could tell" I laugh at myself, I should be embarrassed but I'm not, I don't care if she sees me swoon over her. I kiss her slowly, cherishing every second that she is letting me touch her. She is so warm and alive and vibrant. I never want this to end. I pull her down so her whole body is on top of mine and then I pull the bed sheets over us and over our heads. I stroke her hair and massage the back side of her. Her back, her but, her arms, and down her thighs. I can't stop touching her. I feel her heart start to slow and then I know she is sleeping and I finally allow myself to drift off as well.