WRITTEN BY RASPUTIN BASED ON ORIGINAL CONCEPT BY JHONEN VASQUEZ
INT: MEEKROB WEAPONS CACHE
A piece of machinery slides past and reveals the cavern abuzz with activity. The Resisty are loading weaponry, unloading weaponry, checking off lists, moving items, and a couple are fighting over their lunch. Overseeing the inspection regime is Tak, looking sternly at the morass of sharp, pointy missiles. Dib looks upon the whole process with Gaz in tow. Dib is over-excited while Gaz looks mightily more sceptical than last time
DIB
With this amount of explosives, I don't think the Irkens have a chance!
GAZ
Pfft...like you know a whole lot about nothing...
DIB
What?
Dib peers sideways at Gaz. A whole lot of activity goes on around them, to make the two talking heads interesting.
DIB
What are you getting at, Gaz?
GAZ
We should go now.
DIB
WHAT? Why?
Gaz lets off an exasperated sigh.
GAZ
FINE, Dib! I don't want to stay here with these morons anymore! They're not going to win and I'm not interested in a game I can't beat...
DIB
C'mon, Gaz! The battle hasn't even started yet! Once you're in there kicking Irken booty you'll lighten up! You'll see!
GAZ
Listen, the ONLY reason I'm here is cuz I'd nothing else to do this weekend. But Bloaty's is having a 'splorge' evening at seven so if YOU wanna stay, fine.
Gaz is wandering away.
GAZ
Cuz I'm leaving.
DIB
I'm the only one who can unlock the ship.
Gaz stops, profoundly annoyed. She turns back and grabs Dib by the neck.
GAZ
If you want to stay able to stand up, you'd better unlock the ship for me.
DIB
I'm not leaving this place, Gaz! You can threaten me all you want!
Gaz shakes Dib repeatedly.
DIB (disorientated
...okay...threaten me SOME you want...
GAZ
SPLORGE AT SEVEN! Why do you want to STAY here if you know you're gonna die?
DIB
Some things are more important, Gaz, and this is one of them! NOTHING I've done on Earth can match what I can do here and I'm going to make the best of it!
GAZ
I meant die at the hands of ME, but why do you think this bunch of losers can win?
DIB
Hey, I have faith in a cause, buster!
GAZ
Tak doesn't, and she's more qualified to an opinion than you.
DIB
What? Why do you care about what Tak thinks?
GAZ
I DON'T, but you're MAKING me! ARGH!
Gaz throws Dib to one side and stomps off. Dib looks back at his sister's retreating figure.
DIB
What DOES Tak think, anyway?
Dib spies Tak, who is looking as cooly annoyed as usual. She seems profoundly dissatisfied about something. One of the huge three-headed Resisty, named JEEPERS, is carrying a crate of rockets.
JEEPERS
Where you want these, ma'am?
TAK (distracted
Ech, over there by the slingshots and pea-shooters...
Jeepers looks puzzled, but takes the instruction literally and heads away. Dib wanders over to Tak.
DIB
Hey...Tak...I know we got off on the wrong foot 'n all, so...
TAK
Not now, can't you see I'm trying to build a fortress out of cardboard boxes?
Tak shoos Dib off.
DIB
Er...what? Come again? Hey!
Tak wanders off while Dib remains puzzled. There is an orifice in the cavern apart from the rest that's serving as an office for Lard Nar. Tak is about to enter it when she hears noises.
PLANET JACKER 1
You got what you wanted?
LARD NAR
Oh yes, the package delivered safely enough. You could have been a bit more subtle in transporting it.
PLANET JACKER 2
Hey! It took us months to scrounge that thing up! Don't say you don't appreciate it!
PLANET JACKER 1
I'm surprised you got the guts for something this big.
LARD NAR
Anything that harms the Irkens is fair game. And besides, I've told you about the Meekrob approaching Awakening. If they awaken, the universe will be in a whole HEAP of trouble!
Tak peers round the corner to see two Planet Jackers standing in front of Lard Nar, whose back is turned.
PLANET JACKER 2
Can you hold the Irkens off long enough?
LARD NAR
I ran into Larb a fair few times back on Vort. I know how his mind works.
PLANET JACKER 1
Yeah well, we've trusted you this far, just don't mess anything up!
The Planet Jackers disappear into shining green beams. Tak reveals herself fully.
TAK
Who were you talking to?
Lard Nar spins round and shrieks before regaining his composure.
LARD NAR
Er...oh, just organising a little trump card for our final showdown.
Tak glares, crossing her arms. Lard Nar puts on another mischevious smile. Dib comes running into the cavern.
DIB
Hey, wait! What did you mean by that?
Tak remains staring at Lard Nar for a moment, only acknowledging Dib's presence after a long silence.
TAK
What are you doing here?
DIB
Well, I...uh...
Tak scoffs in frustration and heads off outside to inspect a pile of machinery.
TAK
I'm getting back to work! I don't have time to worry about a stupid human like you!
Dib stares cock-eyed in Tak's direction.
DIB
How do you put up with her?
LARD NAR
Put up with her? How would I have put up without her? Until she came along we were just a disorganised band of idiots. Now we have purpose!
Dib peers round, realising something.
DIB
You like her, don't you?
LARD NAR
Oh, just comradely appreciation. But you have to admit there's something about her.
The two stare out at Tak while she messes around diligently with a machine of some variety. Her movements are carefully mapped out with purpose and precision, and a constantly inquiring eye.
LARD NAR
A defective with no place in Irken society, with no place ANYWHERE for that matter, yet instead of being just another tick-mark on some Irken biologist's "to-do" list, she has this overwhelming determination to shape the universe to her wishes. There's something poetic about that.
Tak grabs the collar of a nearby worker.
TAK
These pipes are supposed to be clear, you piece of slime!
Dib peers at Lard Nar quizically.
DIB
Yeah, pretty.
SPLEENK
Hey! Um...leader...guy!
Lard Nar pushes Dib into the wall in urgency.
LARD NAR
What? What is it?
SPLEENK
I've found a traitor!
Spleenk comes running up and holds the cute 'lil vomit monster known as Blarg to Lard Nar's face. The vomiting cherub vomits in incomprehension.
SPLEENK
He's not helping out or anything!
LARD NAR
Blarg! I should have known! You've been warned about this before, but NOW I see you've been actively hindering the war effort! What do you have to say for yourself?
Blarg vomits in frustration and wiggles his measly arms as a self-evident explanation. Dib walks up them, rubbing the back of his head.
DIB
What's going on?
LARD NAR
There's only one solution to this! READY THE CATAPULT!
EXT: RESISTY BASE
We're now above ground, where some pieces of equipment lie scatterd around the site. The Resisty are crowded round a vertical launcher with Blarg strapped to it, slowly vomiting in fear. Dib stares on fearfully, Gaz amusingly, and Tak somewhat resignedly. Lard Nar makes a good show of this.
LARD NAR
Comrade Blarg! You are charged with blatant non-involvement with intent to harm the Resisty! For that, you shall be launched into the void! Do you have any final requests?
Blarg justs vomits in terror.
LARD NAR
Aw, shucks.
Lard Nar signals to Shloonktaplooxis to activate the launcher.
DIB
Wait! Stop!
Lard Nar swivels round to face Dib as Shloonktaplooxis activates the launcher, sending Blarg screaming into outer space. Shloonktaplooxis stares into the sky and salivates at the sight. Dib stares angrily at Lard Nar while he stares back, before launching into a speech
LARD NAR
Let that be a lesson to all of you! If we are to survive, we must work together as a team! No one can afford to disrupt our organisation, or otherwise we will perish. Isn't that right?
The Resisty nod, but while Tak looks stern, Lard Nar ignores her concern and concentrates pleasingly on Dib, who's looking at the ground disgusted.
DIB
...'s a stupid organisation...
Lard Nar's smile dissipates and he glares angrily at the rest of the group.
LARD NAR
This isn't a holiday! Get back to work! We've an Armada to beat!
The Resisty wander off, including Dib and Gaz, who seem to be sharing some poutiness.
GAZ
Now can we leave?
Tak remains, looking stern, clearly about to voice her concerns.
TAK
Lard Nar, we have to discuss...
Lard Nar pats Tak on the shoulder and leans into her ear.
LARD NAR
Keep an eye on those two, will you?
Lard Nar gives Tak a re-assuring pat and leaves elsewhere. While Tak seems momentarily shocked, then angry as she smashes her fist into a nearby terminal before wandering off back to her own duties.
INT: INTERROGATION ROOM
Skoodge and Tenn are both strapped to chairs and somewhat bruised. They seem to be having a fairly jovial conversation.
SKOODGE
...and then he took away the piggies and called me a "chump".
TENN
Awww...it sounds horrible to live with Zim.
SKOODGE
Well, he's an okay guy at heart. But sometimes he can be so...
TENN
...dangerously unbalanced?
SKOODGE
Yeah! That's it exactly! Oh, I wished I'd teamed up with you when they were handing out assignments.
TENN
May be a bit of a moot point now. I don't think the Tallest would want either of us back after this debacle. And we were the only Invaders left with SIRs, after all.
SKOODGE
What happened to Jin-Jin?
TENN
She was smashed into a million chunks and buried in the next cave. If only I could get near her. What about yours?
SKOODGE
Oh my! I nearly forgot about Pudge! I sent him into hiding on Earth, but he should be on-call.
TENN
Why send him into hiding?
SKOODGE
He could never wash dishes after himself. Now if I could...just...
Skoodge starts to shuffle in his chair.
INT: EARTH SUPERMARKET
Pudge, with barely any effort at disguising himself, is dressed as a floor-mopper at some miserable earth grocery chain. Muzak is playing, grunge is everywhere, yadda yadda yadda.
ANNOUNCER
Clean-up on aisle nine. Clean-up on aisle nine.
PUDGE
Pudge is not happy. Pudge don't like cleaning up floors. Pudge resisting urge to destroy...
Pudge's eyes beep and he bolts upright.
PUDGE
PUDGE ROCKS!
Pudge rockets through the ceiling straight out of his uniform. An acne-infested floor manager turns the corner to his direction and groans.
EMPLOYEE
Awww! That's the third one this week!
EXT: MEEKROB LANDSCAPE
The night sky looms large as we can spy three figures alternately walking, skipping, and floating through the endless expanse. Zim, GIR, and Minimoose, unsurprisingly, trudging back to base after a spectacularly failed mission.
ZIM
Argh! This is so humiliating! Discovered by some inferior alien scum, having chunks of rock caught in our clothes, and to top it all off YOU had to trade half your jet fuel for bottle caps!
GIR ceases skipping temporarily and pushes out a handful of bottle caps.
GIR
Want some?
ZIM
NO!
MINIMOOSE
SQUEAK!
GIR continues on and discovers an outcrop of rock which he merrily thwacks his head against repeatedly.
ZIM
And you can't have any either! Honestly, it's infuriating! The great Zim cannot be treated in this manner, I am a genius! I should have been able to defeat them all by myself and WILL YOU HURRY UP?
GIR looks up and pouts, and in irritation pulls the rock out of the ground and keeps thwacking his head while walking. Zim continues in his path until he steps on the spot GIR pulled the rock from. It groans, and as he stops to look around suspiciously for a moment the ground collapses beneath him.
ZIM
AAAAAAAAHHHHH! GIR! HELP MEEEEeeeee...
GIR just continues walking with Minimoose, ignorant of his master's cries and having the time of his life hitting his head on a piece of rock.
INT: UNDERGROUND
Zim screams all the way down until he hits the bottom, disorientatingly looking around and balking at a sight before him. Indeed, before him is a huge, hulking monstrosity of a creature, coloured blue and scaly like the Meekrob, but very physical and very scary, were it not for the fact that he's wearing strapped jeans and a shirt, and is currently at a table with others of his kind, playing cards. As it is, he just gives a cursory glance around and returns to his game.
MEEKRUB 1
I'll raise 10.
MEEKRUB 2
10? Now I know you're bluffing.
MEEKRUB 1
Just play the game, tuna breath.
Zim, a bit irritated, coughs for attention.
MEEKRUB 1
Hmm? Oh yeah...
Meekrub 1 gets up and reveals his full, unimpressive stature.
MEEKRUB 1
Raaaargh! Urrrgh! Arrrrgh...and so forth.
Zim winces at the creatures.
INT: RESISTY BASE
The base is shaded in night, shadows crawling up narrow corridors, while other shadows join them as two figures creep through the gloom. Whispers can be heard.
DIB
To move in shadows, Gaz, you must be prepared to disappear, to vanish into thin air, you must move like the night, act like the night, BECOME the night! Then you...thwack OW!
GAZ
Pfft. Amateur. Why are we even still here? Why did I agree to come with you? What's WRONG with me today?
DIB
I need your expertise, Gaz. There's something seriously wrong going on here, and I think employing Tak is just part of it.
GAZ
So what are YOU going to do about it?
DIB
I will have to sneak into secured areas, you need to tell me if anyone's approaching.
GAZ
Well in that case, there's someone standing right behind you.
DIB
What? ARGH!
Tak emerges out of cloak and clamps Dib's mouth shut.
TAK
Of all the people, it just has to be YOU ruining my chances, hasn't it?
DIB
Wmmf mmf fmm fmmunf fmm?
TAK
None of your business. But if you're planning to sneak past security, you might as well not bother. I designed it myself.
DIB
Fmf nnf.
GAZ
Okay, I'm going back to bed. This is getting dull.
TAK
Wait!
Tak removes her hand from Dib's mouth but keeps hold of him, while Mimi emerges from the shadows to stop Gaz. Gaz turns to growl.
TAK
I could use your help.
DIB
What could you possibly need OUR help for?
TAK
You're sensible, free-thinking, and annoying enough to cancel out whatever effect Lard Nar has everyone around him. Your sister is just plain nuts enough to think what I'm thinking.
Gaz is clued for a moment.
GAZ
Was that meant to be a complement or what?
DIB
No way! Why should I believe a single word you say? I'm not getting duped by you again, Tak!
Tak pauses for a moment, then sighs, relinquishing her grip on Dib.
TAK
Very well.
Tak shifts into her human form. Startling Dib a bit before he regains his edge.
DIB
And what's that meant to achieve?
TAK
I'm giving you a face you can trust. As long as I'm around you, this is my species. Is that enough?
Dib contemplates this for a moment.
DIB
What do you want us to do?
TAK
I need you to help me find out what Lard Nar's plan is.
DIB
Hang on, shouldn't you know it already?
TAK
As much as he seems to like me...in a rather creepy fashion, admittedly...there are some things even I don't know. He's been having secret correspondences with the Planet Jackers, and they recently delivered a package to him. I need to know what that package was.
DIB
So that's what you're trying to find.
TAK
No, he'd have it too well hidden by now. This planet is riddled with hiding places. But it WAS packed in some pretty bulky packaging, and I can think of only one place where he'd get rid of THAT.
Tak turns, and all their gazes turn towards a skanky, smelly hole of smellyness labeled "waste disposal".
DIB
Waste disposal? You mean you're going to look through a pile of trash?
TAK
No. But you will.
Mimi takes up a position above the hatchway and opens it, letting out a waft of methane that makes Dib shudder.
DIB
How did you think this plan up?
TAK
If living 50 years of a wasted life on a garbage heap has taught me one thing, it's that you can tell a person's entire life from the contents of his trashcan. Now...dig.
Tak's immoveable eyes creep Dib into action. Crawling through the hatchway into the horrors beyond.
DIB
Oh nooooo...ooh! Ugh! Gack! Gaaaaah...noooooo...eeee...oh my! Oh my! Ooooh! I hope you're enjoying this! Ooooh...Ugh...my eyes...Agh! Eeeee...oooh...uah! Ugh...
During this time, Tak and Gaz have been sharing a whimsical glance, Gaz obviously enjoying his brother's torture, and seemingly seeing Tak in a whole new light.
GAZ
You know what? You're not half bad...
DIB
Hey! I think I found it!
Gaz and Tak turn towards the hatchway. A heartbeat later Dib is screaming for his life and he hurries through the hatchway trying to beat off a hideous tentacle monster with a crowbar. He manages, eventually collapsing in a fetid, gungy heap, holding up a slab of cardboard.
DIB
Is this it?
Tak peers at it.
TAK
Ah, yes. Quite satisfactory.
DIB
"Quite satisfactory" she tells me...
Gaz sniggers while Tak leans down the crushed box. They all lean over as Mimi burns away the gunk using her eye lasers. A message appears, full of complex code, but more importantly displaying in huge lettering the word "BOMB". Dib is startled, Tak narrows her eyes while Gaz...just seems to be getting irritated, go figure.
TAK
"The Mint Chop Corporation Special Economy-size Planet-busting Thermonuclear Bomb"?
DIB
He's planning to blow up the whole planet!
GAZ
Okay, THAT'S something I'd like to stick around for.
Tak stands up, seeming serious for a moment.
TAK
It all makes sense now...the man's an idiot!
DIB
What are you talking about?
TAK
I should've seen it coming. Trapped on a planet with limited resources and archaic weaponry and he expected to take on the entire Armada? Even with a bomb in a mix, he's still an idiot. A coward and a weakling trying to play war hero. You've got to be SUBTLE when it comes to an all-powerful space empire!
DIB
You weren't very subtle with Earth!
TAK
A planet of barely-evolved monkeys is one thing...
DIB
Hey!
TAK
But what does he expect to achieve from all this? He blows our cover, then gives the Irkens better reason than ever to blow us all to smithereens! I don't believe it! I can't believe I was taken in so easily! The lies and promises of real opposition to the Irkens! I'm even stupider than he is!
DIB
Hey...you don't happen to...say...talk out loud a lot, do you? I never thought it was that strange...
TAK
SHUT UP!
DIB
Shutting up...
GAZ
So are you two going to do something already?
TAK
I know what I'm going to do...I'm getting out of here!
Tak walks away from the group, Mimi in tow, while Dib just stares dumbfoundedly.
DIB
Hey! Wait a minute!
GAZ
C'mon, Dib, she's doing what we should be doing. If Lard Nar wants to blow up the planet, then I want to get a good seat for it!
Dib looks at Gaz with a profound kind of disgust.
DIB
That's not what we came here for! We came here to free the galaxy! Not exterminate a species!
GAZ
Okay, I've had it Dib. I've suffered your mission enough! I'm WARNING you! Either you leave now or face my pain!
DIB
I don't care what you want to do, Gaz! I can't let Lard Nar get away with this!
Dib runs off after Tak, while Gaz starts fuming mercilessly.
GAZ
I don't GET IT! Why is everyone starting to tell me what to do? YOU ALL INVOKE MY WRATH!
Rings of rope shoot out of the darkness and surround Gaz.
GAZ
What? But...HEY!
Gaz is bound and pulled into the darkness.
INT: UNDERGROUND
Zim is wandering around beside Meekrub 1, studying the oversized creatures as they scurry about their daily lives.
ZIM
So what are you people, anyway?
MEEKRUB 1
We are the MEEKRUB! The true owners of this planet. Not like those smarty-smarty-doo-doo types up there...
Meekrub 1 extends a creaking hand upwards.
ZIM
But you live in a hole...
MEEKRUB 1
Yeeeaaah...well we were around before they were. They were like us once. But then they got all smarty and turned into blobs and stuff.
ZIM
Well why don't you turn into a blob...and stuff.
MEEKRUB 1
'cos they called us stooooopid. grunt We're not stooopid! We like to bang rocks on each other's heads! If we couldn't do that...snif...life wouldn't be worth living...
ZIM
I see...well! Must be going! Can't keep my Tallest waiting!
MEEKRUB 1
Wait! I'm not done yet!
ZIM
DON'T DICTATE TO ZIM!
MEEKRUB 1
I still have to tell you about the promised one!
ZIM
Ugh...fine! But be snappy! I haven't got all day...
MEEKRUB 1
We long for the day the promised one will return and lead our people in the celestial dance concert. He is prophesised to be not of Meekrub, to have descended from the land above, and at some unspecified point in his visit he will say..."cleaning detergent".
ZIM
Cleaning detergent?
The entire chamber ceases and gasps, none more so than Meekrub 1.
MEEKRUB 1
You are the promised one! All hail his greatness!
The chamber kneels at his feet and mumbles, creeping Zim out no end.
ZIM
So...can I go now?
MEEKRUB 1
You can't leave! You must lead our celestial dance concert! Overseers!
Zim quickly twists around, scared out of his wits, coming face-to-face with a series of Meekrub holding up, in turn, a cow bell, a sailor costume, and a plug. Zim starts to scream, and scream, and scream, and scream.
EXT: INVADER BASE-CAMP
Larb is sitting at the edge of base-camp, throwing rocks, looking thoroughly under the weather. Invader Spleen dares to come up and try to talk to him.
SPLEEN
Uh...Commander? Shouldn't we try to...say...probe their base-camp or something?
LARB
Did the Tallest tell you to do that?
SPLEEN
...not as such.
LARB
Then obviously we can't do it, CAN WE?
Larb throws a rock at a bird, knocking it away squawking.
LARB
What do the Tallest know about war?
SPLEEN
Sir?
Invader Alexovitch runs towards them, clearly distressed.
ALEXOVITCH
SIR! ZIM'S ROBOTS! THEY'VE COME BACK!
Larb glances upwards wearingly.
LARB
Fantastic news, Alexovitch.
ALEXOVITCH
But sir! They have knowledge of the enemy base!
Larb does seem surprised at this news.
INT: BASE-CAMP TENT
GIR is sitting on a pedestal, surrounded by Invaders and Larb, with Minimoose floating nearby, as GIR recounts his wonderful journey.
GIR
And there was a rock...then another rock...a rock...a rock...and CANDY FLOSS! No...wait...that was a rock. Then I think there was another rock, or it could have been just a rock. Do you know what you can do with rocks? You can...
In the latter half of this tirade, we glimpse a weary Larb obviously not impressed.
LARB
This was the vital knowledge of the enemy base you interrupted my valuable bird-stoning for?
ALEXOVITCH
Well, take a look sir...
Alexovitch picks up Minimoose and stuffs it in GIR's mouth, shutting him up. Minimoose's eyes begin to turn red and oscillate, while GIR's head opens up and projects an image of the weapons cache that fills the tent. The assembled Invaders are stunned, and it is only Larb who recovers first, grabbing Alexovitch in a fit of passion.
LARB
Assemble everyone in the base! Tell them to prepare for the arrival of reinforcements!
ALEXOVITCH
But the Tallest...
LARB
FORGET THE TALLEST!
Larb activates a special communicator from his pak, and the slyest smile you have ever seen crosses his face.
LARB
If I'd known Lard Nar was involved, I would have done this ages ago. (into communicator) This is a priority message to the Third Fleet from Commander Larb! Codename: Squidgy!
EXT: THIRD FLEET
A vast fleet, not as big as the Armada but still a HUGE force on its own, emblazoned with different markings to the Armada (and many smiling faces of Larb) is drifting through space. A message is resonating amongst the ships.
LARB (O.S
You may think of yourselves as some kind of meaningless trophy, an intergalactic joke only fit to take part in parades, but we're going to show we can invade planets just as well as the Armada can!
Ships begin to group together and prepare for battle, speeding up and changing direction towards a single point, ships of all shapes and sizes built for nothing but pure, unbridled warfare.
LARB (O.S
Charge the orbital lasers and prepare for a ground assault! Configure your vessels for speed and set course towards planet Meekrob! You have the will of the Irken race speeding you on this day, show them you're capable of moving the stars themselves!
-Break-