Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.
Warning – Angst
Rating – R, it will heat up later on
This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys
Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I luv you very much!
Author Notes – A serious Selphie may be construed as OOC, but I wanted to add depth to her. When Trabia was hit by the missiles, I felt her sadness and forced happiness, anything to make the others at Trabia happier. So I took that moment and decided to make her character angst over Irvine.
Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God, Maraea Darkwell and Chandrakan, thank you for your reviews.
^__~ ^__^
Selphie Tilmitt Journal
[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Balamb Garden 1400 hours]
[Journal entry # 1]
Hi Journal, I am glad that no one is around and I don't have to pretend that I am the 'happy little Sefie'. Zell is writing in his journal, so quaint really considering with all the technology we have, but who wants to travel on a mission with a lap top where the weather conditions could be unpredictable, our lines getting cut off now and then.
I was told to start writing in you last night but I just couldn't, my feelings were too raw and the emotions inside of me were churning to the point I was nauseous. It was hard enough for me to keep smiling and happy, even to the point where my eyes reflected the lie I have been living within myself for the last few months.
I love Irvine. I love him so much that it consumes me.
At first I ignored him and tried to concentrate on our missions but it became hard as he was constantly around me, making me feel so damn special. And after we beat the crap out of Ultimecia and we celebrated…..he kissed me.
I saw the kiss Squall gave Rinoa but it was nothing compared to the one Irvine gave me. I thought our kiss was forever, a bit like the one Squall gave to Rinoa.
We all know how that ended. It should have been an omen but I was so happy and light inside, I felt like I was walking on air, and I know that I drove everybody nuts but I couldn't help it. I wanted my friends to be happy along with me.
Then things changed, I can't exactly tell you when…..but it changed.
His kisses changed, they were so automatic and it felt like he was trying to prove something to himself. Don't get me wrong they still rocked my world, but he…..he felt nothing…..and the thing is, I noticed the difference.
Even the light flirting he used to do, I could handle that, he wasn't really interested in the other females. Now….now he flirts constantly as if he is searching for something. Something that I obviously haven't got.
Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me want to scream and cry. My heart hurts journal. It really hurts and I don't know what to do.
I wished that I could talk to someone, anyone, just to relieve the pain for a moment.
When I am alone in my dorm room at night, I turn out the lights and just sit in the dark, trying to figure out what it was that I did that was so wrong. What I did to make him want to be with someone else besides me. I know I am flighty and very energetic and a bit impulsive like my fiery friend Zell, but it is who I am.
Maybe I should change and become less flighty and I am willing to do this for Irvine, he is my world because I have never loved another before. He is my first love and I thought and hoped he was to be my last love. Am I living in a fairy tale world?
Maybe. I will work something out later on.
For now I will concentrate on the mission. Ellone, big sis, is missing and in a way I'm glad to be on a mission, I was slowly going insane with these depressing thoughts trying to figure out what I did wrong…see here I go again.
I will have to stop writing journal; I have to work hard to place the chirpy face back on, the face that everyone is used to seeing. I don't want them to see the sad mask or the hurt mask that is eating away at me slowly.
Things will work out, just wait and see.
The only thing making me smile now and then is Laguna. I really like him, he is very handsome but it is his passion that I love the most about him. He is so dedicated and no matter how he bungles things it usually works out right in the end. You just have to admire him for that.
If he was a lot younger, and my heart didn't already belong to someone else, I think that I could really, really like the President.
Heh, yeah I know.
Oh another thing journal. I saw something today, something that had hit the Ragnarok. It was huge, bigger than Ragnarok. It was golden with beautiful pale blue iridescent wings that seemed to fill the sky. You guessed it.
A dragon.
I can't really be sure if it was or not, because the moment it hit our ship it simply disappeared. It took me awhile to believe that I actually did see something and I think I better tell Squall that it was a dragon that I had seen.
This means that there is magic at play and maybe a portal of some kind, but what would I know. It seems logical because there are a few dragons here in our world but nothing that looked like the dragon I saw.
I have a feeling that it is somehow linked with the disappearance of Ellone.
I have to go, Commander Squall wants to talk to us and it looks urgent. The mission is now officially on. Wish us luck. Bye!
[Selphie Tilmitt signing out at 1420 hours]