Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.
Warning – male + female thoughts, swearing (yeah go figure, Rin swearing)
Rating – R, it will heat up later on
This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys
Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I luv you very much!
Authors Note – I want to thank Shaeric for helping me with the limey het memories of Rinoa. In fact they are her words, heh. I won't be posting as often as I have because it is Christmas holidays and I am going away. I will try and post when I can. Merry Christmas everyone and have a Happy New Year!!
Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God, Maraea Darkwell, and all other reviewers, thank you for your reviews.
^__~ ^__^
Rinoa Heartilly Journal
[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Centra – Matron's Orphanage 0410 hours]
[Journal entry # 1]
I have always wanted a journal but because my life was complicated, and I was very busy being a resistance rebel group called the 'Forest Owls' with Zone and Watts, as I couldn't stand my father and what he stood for, I just never got the time.
My father was the first man in my life who let me down. He was overprotective and tried to keep me in a cage. I was like a bird looking out, but I found a way to escape from that prison making my way towards Timber, joining the Forest Owls.
Then I met Seifer, the second male in my life to let me down. He was eager to help I admit, but I gave him part of my heart. I know that I was still young and naïve but he was so big and strong and so…..so determined that it captured me in its grasp. I thought I'd loved him, and there was nothing I could do about it.
But nothing came out of it, and then I met the third man to come in my life that let me down. Only this one hurt me more then the others did. Squall Leonhart.
I still love him and though it pains me deeply, I knew he didn't love me. He really tried but there was someone else he thought about. Someone else who had slipped passed his icy exterior and slowly thawed the ice around his heart.
At first I thought it was me, I truly believed that I was the right person for the Ice King as he is named, and when he rescued me over and over again my heart was filled with a joy that overwhelmed me so much, that I nearly cried with the emotion. His touch was like fire to my soul, igniting a light so bright within me, that the sun would be dull in comparison.
For the first time I wanted to give to someone, not only my heart but my body as well. And I did.
He was gentle and his mouth touched every part of my skin, even the hot spot between my legs, as he licked his way inside, tasting me as I released the essence of my sex. The hard nub of flesh he chewed on gently, as I groaned loudly my legs wrapping around his neck as I undulated to spread the sensation. It was when he filled and stretched me with his penis and thrust deep inside of me that I knew that he was the man for me. That I was truly in love.
But I will tell you this journal, I don't regret giving Squall my virginity, he may have been a virgin himself but after the first time he had memorised all my pleasure points and relentlessly attacked them until I was a gooey mass in ecstasy.
But something had happened to change things, and I think the one that got passed his defences is another woman. Who? I don't know. All I know is that he tried to stay with me, tried to love me, but when he stopped touching me altogether I knew that it would be over soon.
He had a shadow lurking in his eyes, a shadow that he wasn't willing to let go.
He broke it off with me. Just like that.
Admittedly he felt guilty about it all but you see I was a woman who was being scorned. My love being flung back in my face, so I did what any normal female would do when she is pissed off and sick of men who keep letting her down.
I screamed, cursed and called him all the names under the sun, and I could only feel self satisfaction at the shock all over his face. Yes Squall, a woman scorned is not going to lay flat on her back and die, well not this woman anyway.
So now, I hate fucking men! They are nothing but big let downs and every time I see the three men who fucked with me, I just want to go up to them and beat the crap out of them. Yes me!
I may act like a princess but that doesn't mean I can't cuss with the best of them. I can, you hang around Zone and Watts, you are going to pick up a few choice words and manners. I will admit I was shocked at first but I soon got used to it.
So yes journal, I have cut men from my life except Zell and Irvine. They are the only two that I can really talk to, they have been really good to me, and I don't expect them to choose sides. No this is between Squall and me, and Seifer and me.
Yes that big blond idiot is up there with Squall. Seifer may have forgotten the past, but I haven't. I will always remember the three men who shaped my world and fucking messed it up again.
He smirked at me on our way here to Centra, and all I could see was red. So I let him have it, what made it worse he ignored me entirely and that hurt me, pain shooting in my chest. Why I can't let it go, I don't know.
It was thanks to Irvine that I stopped making a fool of myself; but now I knew Seifer felt nothing for me, not even friendship and there is that pain again. I feel like I don't belong with the gang and I know that Quistis doesn't think I am part of the gang anyway.
I have always felt like an outsider, even though Zell and Irvine still treat me better than the other two males, I still feel like an outsider. I know that soon I will have to make a decision. I just hope I make the right one.
I will get over this I know, but for now I am going to wallow in self pity and bitterness, it is my fucking right journal so don't mess with me! And the next male who approaches me is going to get his nuts kicked severely; I meant it when I said I hate men, because right now…..I do!
I am getting tired and the mission begins this afternoon. Edea is coming with us even though Cid didn't want her to. Men! When are they going to learn, don't try to keep a woman down, you won't like it when the claws start showing.
Enough of that, I will talk with you later. Night.
[Rinoa Heartilly signing out at 0430 hours]