Part 6: To Deal With Your Feelings Can Be Hard
June 24th 2003
Sturgis had headed straight over to Mac's apartment after he got off from work just like he did every evening he was in town. He had just fed his daughter the bottle and was now getting her ready for bed. Whenever he saw Elena his thoughts went back to that evening when Mac had called from the airport telling him to come and meet both of them at the hospital. He had really given up all hope that Elena would be found alive, so now everything was overturned and chaos replaced the feelings he had had. He couldn't understand why he had given up all hope like that. He was a religious man and should have had more faith. The feeling that he had betrayed Elena wouldn't go away. Mac had believed they could get her back and had gone after her. If she hadn't... If she had been like him Elena might still be in Paraguay or worse...
Mac was standing in the kitchen finishing up supper for both Sturgis and her. The last couple of weeks since Harm had been gone she had cooked dinner for both of them and Sturgis had eaten at her place. Life at JAG was from what she heard hectic with both her and Harm gone and making two portions of dinner instead of one wasn't adding any work for her, but ensuring that Sturgis could spend some more time with their daughter.
Most nights Sturgis would return to his own apartment after Elena fell asleep and work on the cases he had been forced to bring home. During the weekends though he would stay in the former guestroom and be on night duty. Which was both a relief for Mac and something Sturgis wanted take part in.
"Dinner's ready," Mac whispered into Elena's room. She went over and looked down at her sleeping daughter. "Everything went OK, right?" After the first week at home Mac had understood that things were going to run much more smoothly if she didn't watch Sturgis handling their daughter. He had his way of doing things and just because it wasn't her way, didn't make them worse. She just couldn't watch without commenting on it, so she had decided to simply let him do his thing away from her.
"She is so beautiful... She has your eyes..." Sturgis said and Mac couldn't help agreeing with him.
They went out from the light purple guestroom, sat down at the table and started to serve themselves from the food.
"How are things at the office?" Mac asked tentatively.
"Good," Sturgis said shortly.
"I talked to Bud today," Mac said. The truth was both Bud and Harriet had expressed concern about Sturgis behavior lately, but so far Mac had told them to just give Sturgis some time to deal with it all and he would be back to normal. It had been a month now and Sturgis was still being quite strange. He snapped at people and acted like nothing had happened.
"If he has a problem with me, he should talk to me himself," Sturgis knew where this conversation was going.
"He's worried about you, you know," Mac continued when Sturgis didn't say anything more. "And so am I. Have you talked to anyone about what happened? About Elena's kidnapping? I know you haven't talked to me or Bud or anyone at JAG."
"Since when are you an expert on dealing with problems," he said defensively "You're the one who's seeing a shrink."
Mac was quite surprised by his loud and angry voice. This wasn't like Sturgis at all. Even though she knew he had been pretty unfriendly at work, he had always been able to control himself around Elena. Bud had said that the only time he seemed happy was right before the end of the day when he was going to see Elena.
"I am seeing a shrink to deal with it," Mac answered him calmly. If he wanted to fight it was going to be one-sided.
"You know nothing about me. I'm doing fine just the way I am. I come here every night after work. I take care of my daughter as much as I possibly can. What else do you want me to do?" He was now screaming and had gotten up from the table ready to leave the apartment. Mac didn't say anything, but just remained seated. Her lack of response and her calm seemed to make him even more upset, but before he rushed out of the apartment Elena started to cry with full force and Sturgis froze, not being able to move or say anything. Mac got up and went over to the nursery to collect her.
"Sh, sh, baby girl. Nothing's going to happen. Everything is fine." She tried to sooth her back to sleep. Sturgis was still standing in the living room by the door.
"I'm sorry Mac. I better leave," he said with a tormented expression. He didn't know what had made him so angry he had screamed at Mac like that without a thought of his daughter who was sleeping in the next room.
"Sturgis, stay. We aren't finished talking," Mac said sternly and Sturgis didn't dare anything but obeying. Elena was now crying a bit calmer and soon she'd be ready to go back to sleep. Mac motioned for him to sit down on the couch and went back with Elena to her bed and then returned to Sturgis.
"I didn't mean to wake her up. I don't know what got into me..."
"I know you didn't mean to do that, but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything about it. If you keep all of this bottled up inside you'll end up hurting her too. I don't know how I would act if I wasn't talking to Jane about all of this," Mac said and took his hand in hers. "I care for you and don't want to see you hurt."
"I... I," Sturgis didn't know how to explain how he felt to her.
"Are you talking to your father?"
"Not really," Sturgis was afraid of talking to his father and admitting how little faith he had had in God and how little faith he now had.
"Well maybe you should. He'll be there at the baptizing, you could use the opportunity."
"I don't know what to say. It's all so complicated," Sturgis said, but he was slowly coming to terms with the thought of talking to someone.
"It won't get better until you've been down that road. Regardless how hard it is I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards. I know I do."
"I can't make any promises, but I'll try, OK? I appreciate your support though," Sturgis said and Mac squeezed his hand one more time before she let go and they went back to the table to finish their meal. Sturgis left early that night to go home to his own apartment to think.
TBC
June 24th 2003
Sturgis had headed straight over to Mac's apartment after he got off from work just like he did every evening he was in town. He had just fed his daughter the bottle and was now getting her ready for bed. Whenever he saw Elena his thoughts went back to that evening when Mac had called from the airport telling him to come and meet both of them at the hospital. He had really given up all hope that Elena would be found alive, so now everything was overturned and chaos replaced the feelings he had had. He couldn't understand why he had given up all hope like that. He was a religious man and should have had more faith. The feeling that he had betrayed Elena wouldn't go away. Mac had believed they could get her back and had gone after her. If she hadn't... If she had been like him Elena might still be in Paraguay or worse...
Mac was standing in the kitchen finishing up supper for both Sturgis and her. The last couple of weeks since Harm had been gone she had cooked dinner for both of them and Sturgis had eaten at her place. Life at JAG was from what she heard hectic with both her and Harm gone and making two portions of dinner instead of one wasn't adding any work for her, but ensuring that Sturgis could spend some more time with their daughter.
Most nights Sturgis would return to his own apartment after Elena fell asleep and work on the cases he had been forced to bring home. During the weekends though he would stay in the former guestroom and be on night duty. Which was both a relief for Mac and something Sturgis wanted take part in.
"Dinner's ready," Mac whispered into Elena's room. She went over and looked down at her sleeping daughter. "Everything went OK, right?" After the first week at home Mac had understood that things were going to run much more smoothly if she didn't watch Sturgis handling their daughter. He had his way of doing things and just because it wasn't her way, didn't make them worse. She just couldn't watch without commenting on it, so she had decided to simply let him do his thing away from her.
"She is so beautiful... She has your eyes..." Sturgis said and Mac couldn't help agreeing with him.
They went out from the light purple guestroom, sat down at the table and started to serve themselves from the food.
"How are things at the office?" Mac asked tentatively.
"Good," Sturgis said shortly.
"I talked to Bud today," Mac said. The truth was both Bud and Harriet had expressed concern about Sturgis behavior lately, but so far Mac had told them to just give Sturgis some time to deal with it all and he would be back to normal. It had been a month now and Sturgis was still being quite strange. He snapped at people and acted like nothing had happened.
"If he has a problem with me, he should talk to me himself," Sturgis knew where this conversation was going.
"He's worried about you, you know," Mac continued when Sturgis didn't say anything more. "And so am I. Have you talked to anyone about what happened? About Elena's kidnapping? I know you haven't talked to me or Bud or anyone at JAG."
"Since when are you an expert on dealing with problems," he said defensively "You're the one who's seeing a shrink."
Mac was quite surprised by his loud and angry voice. This wasn't like Sturgis at all. Even though she knew he had been pretty unfriendly at work, he had always been able to control himself around Elena. Bud had said that the only time he seemed happy was right before the end of the day when he was going to see Elena.
"I am seeing a shrink to deal with it," Mac answered him calmly. If he wanted to fight it was going to be one-sided.
"You know nothing about me. I'm doing fine just the way I am. I come here every night after work. I take care of my daughter as much as I possibly can. What else do you want me to do?" He was now screaming and had gotten up from the table ready to leave the apartment. Mac didn't say anything, but just remained seated. Her lack of response and her calm seemed to make him even more upset, but before he rushed out of the apartment Elena started to cry with full force and Sturgis froze, not being able to move or say anything. Mac got up and went over to the nursery to collect her.
"Sh, sh, baby girl. Nothing's going to happen. Everything is fine." She tried to sooth her back to sleep. Sturgis was still standing in the living room by the door.
"I'm sorry Mac. I better leave," he said with a tormented expression. He didn't know what had made him so angry he had screamed at Mac like that without a thought of his daughter who was sleeping in the next room.
"Sturgis, stay. We aren't finished talking," Mac said sternly and Sturgis didn't dare anything but obeying. Elena was now crying a bit calmer and soon she'd be ready to go back to sleep. Mac motioned for him to sit down on the couch and went back with Elena to her bed and then returned to Sturgis.
"I didn't mean to wake her up. I don't know what got into me..."
"I know you didn't mean to do that, but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything about it. If you keep all of this bottled up inside you'll end up hurting her too. I don't know how I would act if I wasn't talking to Jane about all of this," Mac said and took his hand in hers. "I care for you and don't want to see you hurt."
"I... I," Sturgis didn't know how to explain how he felt to her.
"Are you talking to your father?"
"Not really," Sturgis was afraid of talking to his father and admitting how little faith he had had in God and how little faith he now had.
"Well maybe you should. He'll be there at the baptizing, you could use the opportunity."
"I don't know what to say. It's all so complicated," Sturgis said, but he was slowly coming to terms with the thought of talking to someone.
"It won't get better until you've been down that road. Regardless how hard it is I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards. I know I do."
"I can't make any promises, but I'll try, OK? I appreciate your support though," Sturgis said and Mac squeezed his hand one more time before she let go and they went back to the table to finish their meal. Sturgis left early that night to go home to his own apartment to think.
TBC