Part 9: Not Done Yet
July 12th 2003
The morning after their talk Harm showed up at Mac's apartment with breakfast. Harm had driven Mac back last night and promised to come back the next day. Sturgis was still there so all three of them had breakfast together. They talked and laughed, simply enjoyed a good time together. It wasn't like it had been a year ago, it probably would never be just like back then, but it also wasn't awkward or felt strange in any way. There was no pressure in enjoying a good time together. Eventually Sturgis had to go home and work, so Harm and Mac were left alone with Elena.
"We could call Bud and Harriet. I know they would love to see you," Mac suggested as they were talking about what they were going to do that day.
Harm didn't answer right away and that made Mac wonder what was wrong. Bud and Harriet were their friends and Bud had very much stood by him during his trial. Why wouldn't he be thrilled to see them?
"I don't know... I thought we could spend the day together, maybe go to the park again and talk some more. I still have some things I want to talk to you about."
Mac wasn't going to refuse to talk more about their relationship with him if he still had something to say. She had done most of the talking the night before, so she could see why he still had something to say. However she didn't think that was the only reason for him to be reluctant to see Harriet and Bud. Maybe the talk would clear those questions.
Mac, with some help from Harm, got Elena dressed to go out to the park and they went for quite a long walk. Mac was starting to get back in shape again, but her strength was still somewhat suffering from not being able to work out as much as she would have liked to.
After the walk they went to a café close to the park, where she knew from experience that they didn't mind babies and would help to get a bottle ready for Elena.
"You said you still had things to say to me," Mac said. She started to feed Elena the bottle at the same time as she was trying to drink her cappuccino. Harm had yet to bring up whatever he wanted to talk to her about and she thought she could give him some help. She didn't want to push though, so she had to tread lightly.
"I did," he said, but it took a while until he continued. "I want you to know why I said 'not yet' there at the ferry. I said yesterday that it was because I didn't know what you meant and that is true. Not that I thought you were talking about one night, but I wasn't sure how serious you were and I was to cowardly to ask or tell you myself how serious I wanted to be. On top of that I didn't know if I was capable to be as serious as I wanted to be... Everything was a mess and I let my fears control my life."
"Despite our age, I don't think either one of us was mature enough for a relationship at the time. I'm just glad we finally got it right."
"So am I. I've been wondering why it took us so long after Mic and Renée were out of our lives to have it. We talked about going back to the beginning and having that chat, but we didn't go back and we didn't have that chat for over a year," Harm said. Mac knew he wanted to give his thoughts on it so she didn't say anything.
"When Mic left and you came to my apartment, we were going to talk, but Renée's father... Well you know the story. Do you understand why I went with her?"
"I do and I did. If you had pushed her out you wouldn't have been the man you are. Of course you had to support her. I guess that was just it. I realized how little right I had to ask for your help. You owed that to Renée. I didn't go to the Guadalcanal because I was angry with you. I went there to get away from everything. I fled from you, from my life... and from me," Mac said. She truly had never resented him for supporting Renée. It was the whole situation they had gotten themselves into she had resented.
"I always thought you could understand that, I just wasn't sure that you wanted to."
"Why wouldn't I want to?" Mac asked now quite confused. Most of the things Harm was saying made sense to her, but this didn't.
"Because you wanted to have a reason to resent me and keep me away?" Harm asked. He had wondered if this was the reason for a lot of those times when she had reacted strongly to things he had said and done that hadn't come out right.
"Earlier... when we were just getting to know each other that might have been the case, but it wasn't it then, even if it might have seemed so," Mac answered. She had never thought about it that way. At the moment she was learning new things about herself both in and out of counseling at a tremendous speed. Elena had now finished eating and Mac started burping her.
"I guess we were making things too simple in February when we started dating without talking about this stuff," Harm said after they had been silent for a while.
"And still this is nowhere as hard as I thought it would be. Of course it still takes a lot of effort, but it's worth it," Mac said. She had to agree with Harm. They had taken a short cut and had been forced to pay for it, however they had ended up here together. They had been lucky.
TBC
July 12th 2003
The morning after their talk Harm showed up at Mac's apartment with breakfast. Harm had driven Mac back last night and promised to come back the next day. Sturgis was still there so all three of them had breakfast together. They talked and laughed, simply enjoyed a good time together. It wasn't like it had been a year ago, it probably would never be just like back then, but it also wasn't awkward or felt strange in any way. There was no pressure in enjoying a good time together. Eventually Sturgis had to go home and work, so Harm and Mac were left alone with Elena.
"We could call Bud and Harriet. I know they would love to see you," Mac suggested as they were talking about what they were going to do that day.
Harm didn't answer right away and that made Mac wonder what was wrong. Bud and Harriet were their friends and Bud had very much stood by him during his trial. Why wouldn't he be thrilled to see them?
"I don't know... I thought we could spend the day together, maybe go to the park again and talk some more. I still have some things I want to talk to you about."
Mac wasn't going to refuse to talk more about their relationship with him if he still had something to say. She had done most of the talking the night before, so she could see why he still had something to say. However she didn't think that was the only reason for him to be reluctant to see Harriet and Bud. Maybe the talk would clear those questions.
Mac, with some help from Harm, got Elena dressed to go out to the park and they went for quite a long walk. Mac was starting to get back in shape again, but her strength was still somewhat suffering from not being able to work out as much as she would have liked to.
After the walk they went to a café close to the park, where she knew from experience that they didn't mind babies and would help to get a bottle ready for Elena.
"You said you still had things to say to me," Mac said. She started to feed Elena the bottle at the same time as she was trying to drink her cappuccino. Harm had yet to bring up whatever he wanted to talk to her about and she thought she could give him some help. She didn't want to push though, so she had to tread lightly.
"I did," he said, but it took a while until he continued. "I want you to know why I said 'not yet' there at the ferry. I said yesterday that it was because I didn't know what you meant and that is true. Not that I thought you were talking about one night, but I wasn't sure how serious you were and I was to cowardly to ask or tell you myself how serious I wanted to be. On top of that I didn't know if I was capable to be as serious as I wanted to be... Everything was a mess and I let my fears control my life."
"Despite our age, I don't think either one of us was mature enough for a relationship at the time. I'm just glad we finally got it right."
"So am I. I've been wondering why it took us so long after Mic and Renée were out of our lives to have it. We talked about going back to the beginning and having that chat, but we didn't go back and we didn't have that chat for over a year," Harm said. Mac knew he wanted to give his thoughts on it so she didn't say anything.
"When Mic left and you came to my apartment, we were going to talk, but Renée's father... Well you know the story. Do you understand why I went with her?"
"I do and I did. If you had pushed her out you wouldn't have been the man you are. Of course you had to support her. I guess that was just it. I realized how little right I had to ask for your help. You owed that to Renée. I didn't go to the Guadalcanal because I was angry with you. I went there to get away from everything. I fled from you, from my life... and from me," Mac said. She truly had never resented him for supporting Renée. It was the whole situation they had gotten themselves into she had resented.
"I always thought you could understand that, I just wasn't sure that you wanted to."
"Why wouldn't I want to?" Mac asked now quite confused. Most of the things Harm was saying made sense to her, but this didn't.
"Because you wanted to have a reason to resent me and keep me away?" Harm asked. He had wondered if this was the reason for a lot of those times when she had reacted strongly to things he had said and done that hadn't come out right.
"Earlier... when we were just getting to know each other that might have been the case, but it wasn't it then, even if it might have seemed so," Mac answered. She had never thought about it that way. At the moment she was learning new things about herself both in and out of counseling at a tremendous speed. Elena had now finished eating and Mac started burping her.
"I guess we were making things too simple in February when we started dating without talking about this stuff," Harm said after they had been silent for a while.
"And still this is nowhere as hard as I thought it would be. Of course it still takes a lot of effort, but it's worth it," Mac said. She had to agree with Harm. They had taken a short cut and had been forced to pay for it, however they had ended up here together. They had been lucky.
TBC