Part 27: Staring Into The Bottle, The Glass Is Half-Empty
February 19th 2004
Harm woke up from a crash coming from the kitchen. His hearing was restored to normal again and had been so for some days now. He noticed that Mac wasn't lying in bed next to him. He quickly got up from the bed to go and check what was wrong. Mattie had also been woken up by the crash and came out from her room at the other side of the living room. Harm whispered to her to go back to bed and sleep. Luckily Elena had remained sleeping.
"Mac?" he asked as he entered the kitchen. He was immediately attacked by the stunk of vodka. The only thought that entered his mind was 'God, please no'. He didn't want Mac to have to deal with another fall off the wagon on top of the whole Sadiq-mess.
The broken glass and the liquor lay right inside the door and Harm had to step carefully around it. Mac was sitting on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cupboard. Her knees were pulled up close to her body and she had buried her head in them.
"Mac?" he tried again, but she still wasn't reacting to him. In the week since the killing of Sadiq he had tried to support her, talk to her and comfort her, but he hadn't felt like he would get through to her. She had been to a debriefing at the CIA and Harm had convinced her to go back to the therapist she had seen after Paraguay, but that hadn't caused her to do much progress yet. He sat down beside her so close to her that they were touching. Mac reacted by moving a bit away from him.
"What can I do for you?" he asked her desperately. He just wished she would tell him what to do.
"Nothing," she whispered still not looking up at him.
"Have you been drinking?"
Mac just shook her head no. She had poured herself the drink, but at least she had thrown it away instead of drinking it.
"But you bought the bottle?" he motioned towards the bottle standing on the kitchen table. He knew that must be so. He never kept alcohol at home anymore. When they went out to eat he would often order a glass of wine or a beer, but he never had anything around the apartment. She had once told him that she didn't mind him drinking around her and she hadn't said anything to mean that that had changed since they had gotten together. He just felt like it would be disrespectful to her if he did.
She nodded her head. She couldn't remember getting into the liquor store, but when she had found herself at the counter she had gone ahead and bought it.
"Oh Mac," he got out, his voice was filled with despair, he couldn't understand why they were forced to go through so much suffering. He once again moved closer to her and tried to put an arm around her. Mac's reaction was to get up from the floor.
"Mac, why won't you let me touch you?" he asked as he got up too and stood right in front of her holding his hands out to her, but not trying to actually touch her again. "You haven't let me touch you for a week."
"Is that what this is about? You just want to have sex with me. That's all you want with me,"Mac accused him angrily.
"You know that isn't true."
Her right hand flew to her mouth in regret of what she had said in anger. She didn't want to push him away, but she knew no way to reach out to him properly.
Without thinking about her earlier protests, he wrapped his long, strong arms around her and didn't let her get away despite her struggles at first. Soon she started shaking from crying and he just held on to her tighter.
"I think you want me here," he said "I think you want me to help you. That that's why you threw that glass at the door, because you knew that I would come to you. I will be there for you, Mac. Always and forever, we will face our problems together. That was the plan and I'm sticking to it."
It took a lot of time until Mac had calmed down enough to talk.
"I'm so sorry, Harm. So sorry," she whispered into his chest so that it was barely audible to him.
"It's OK, Mac. Everything will be OK," he comforted her and pulled her with him as he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs with her on his lap, his arms still securely wrapped around her body. She sat so angled that he could see her face.
"What's the worst about this?" he asked her. He had some ideas, but wanted her to tell him in her own words.
"I killed him. He was down when I killed him and I didn't feel sorry..."
"Of course you didn't."
"But he was down. He didn't have his gun anymore..."
"It is perfectly normal for you to have wanted him dead. He was partly responsible for kidnapping your daughter, he held you captive, you had to see him hurt a close friend of yours and then he comes back and threatens your children, our girls. Of course you wanted him dead. There's no way you could have stayed objective about this. It was in defense, Mac, that's what the CIA called it."
"It was just charity on their part," she told him "I don't hold much for their morals, but I know that you, Harm, you wouldn't have killed him. Not like that."
"I would have done it," he tried to convince her "As soon as I heard that he had broken in here, I wanted to do it. I hated not being able to be here for you when it happened. I hated that you had to go through this alone." He sat quiet for a while remembering the similarities to the situation last May, where she had needed the help of Webb to keep her child safe, when Harm and Sturgis were one way or an other unable to do so. He couldn't believe that it had had to happen again. At least he could be here for her now and deal with the aftermath together with her.
"When I shot him. It felt good," Mac admitted as much to herself as to him.
"Why?"
"Because it was revenge and because I knew that I would never have to worry about him again."
"And I'm glad we don't."
They sat silent for a while again. Mac almost fell asleep and Harm considered letting her do so and then carry her back to bed. Mac however was wide-awake again when her eyes fell on the bottle of vodka that was still standing on the kitchen table.
"I was so close to drinking again. So very close."
"But you didn't and that's what's important."
"But what if I had."
"Then you would have restarted with sobriety tomorrow."
"You really think I would have been able to do that," Mac said. She wasn't at all sure about that herself.
"I know you better than anyone else. You would have started all over tomorrow. You're not a quitter, you're a survivor."
Mac leaned her head back on Harm's shoulder.
"I love you so so very much, Harm," she said and thought that he would never understand the dept of her feelings.
"I love you too," Harm answered thinking the same thing.
TBC
February 19th 2004
Harm woke up from a crash coming from the kitchen. His hearing was restored to normal again and had been so for some days now. He noticed that Mac wasn't lying in bed next to him. He quickly got up from the bed to go and check what was wrong. Mattie had also been woken up by the crash and came out from her room at the other side of the living room. Harm whispered to her to go back to bed and sleep. Luckily Elena had remained sleeping.
"Mac?" he asked as he entered the kitchen. He was immediately attacked by the stunk of vodka. The only thought that entered his mind was 'God, please no'. He didn't want Mac to have to deal with another fall off the wagon on top of the whole Sadiq-mess.
The broken glass and the liquor lay right inside the door and Harm had to step carefully around it. Mac was sitting on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cupboard. Her knees were pulled up close to her body and she had buried her head in them.
"Mac?" he tried again, but she still wasn't reacting to him. In the week since the killing of Sadiq he had tried to support her, talk to her and comfort her, but he hadn't felt like he would get through to her. She had been to a debriefing at the CIA and Harm had convinced her to go back to the therapist she had seen after Paraguay, but that hadn't caused her to do much progress yet. He sat down beside her so close to her that they were touching. Mac reacted by moving a bit away from him.
"What can I do for you?" he asked her desperately. He just wished she would tell him what to do.
"Nothing," she whispered still not looking up at him.
"Have you been drinking?"
Mac just shook her head no. She had poured herself the drink, but at least she had thrown it away instead of drinking it.
"But you bought the bottle?" he motioned towards the bottle standing on the kitchen table. He knew that must be so. He never kept alcohol at home anymore. When they went out to eat he would often order a glass of wine or a beer, but he never had anything around the apartment. She had once told him that she didn't mind him drinking around her and she hadn't said anything to mean that that had changed since they had gotten together. He just felt like it would be disrespectful to her if he did.
She nodded her head. She couldn't remember getting into the liquor store, but when she had found herself at the counter she had gone ahead and bought it.
"Oh Mac," he got out, his voice was filled with despair, he couldn't understand why they were forced to go through so much suffering. He once again moved closer to her and tried to put an arm around her. Mac's reaction was to get up from the floor.
"Mac, why won't you let me touch you?" he asked as he got up too and stood right in front of her holding his hands out to her, but not trying to actually touch her again. "You haven't let me touch you for a week."
"Is that what this is about? You just want to have sex with me. That's all you want with me,"Mac accused him angrily.
"You know that isn't true."
Her right hand flew to her mouth in regret of what she had said in anger. She didn't want to push him away, but she knew no way to reach out to him properly.
Without thinking about her earlier protests, he wrapped his long, strong arms around her and didn't let her get away despite her struggles at first. Soon she started shaking from crying and he just held on to her tighter.
"I think you want me here," he said "I think you want me to help you. That that's why you threw that glass at the door, because you knew that I would come to you. I will be there for you, Mac. Always and forever, we will face our problems together. That was the plan and I'm sticking to it."
It took a lot of time until Mac had calmed down enough to talk.
"I'm so sorry, Harm. So sorry," she whispered into his chest so that it was barely audible to him.
"It's OK, Mac. Everything will be OK," he comforted her and pulled her with him as he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs with her on his lap, his arms still securely wrapped around her body. She sat so angled that he could see her face.
"What's the worst about this?" he asked her. He had some ideas, but wanted her to tell him in her own words.
"I killed him. He was down when I killed him and I didn't feel sorry..."
"Of course you didn't."
"But he was down. He didn't have his gun anymore..."
"It is perfectly normal for you to have wanted him dead. He was partly responsible for kidnapping your daughter, he held you captive, you had to see him hurt a close friend of yours and then he comes back and threatens your children, our girls. Of course you wanted him dead. There's no way you could have stayed objective about this. It was in defense, Mac, that's what the CIA called it."
"It was just charity on their part," she told him "I don't hold much for their morals, but I know that you, Harm, you wouldn't have killed him. Not like that."
"I would have done it," he tried to convince her "As soon as I heard that he had broken in here, I wanted to do it. I hated not being able to be here for you when it happened. I hated that you had to go through this alone." He sat quiet for a while remembering the similarities to the situation last May, where she had needed the help of Webb to keep her child safe, when Harm and Sturgis were one way or an other unable to do so. He couldn't believe that it had had to happen again. At least he could be here for her now and deal with the aftermath together with her.
"When I shot him. It felt good," Mac admitted as much to herself as to him.
"Why?"
"Because it was revenge and because I knew that I would never have to worry about him again."
"And I'm glad we don't."
They sat silent for a while again. Mac almost fell asleep and Harm considered letting her do so and then carry her back to bed. Mac however was wide-awake again when her eyes fell on the bottle of vodka that was still standing on the kitchen table.
"I was so close to drinking again. So very close."
"But you didn't and that's what's important."
"But what if I had."
"Then you would have restarted with sobriety tomorrow."
"You really think I would have been able to do that," Mac said. She wasn't at all sure about that herself.
"I know you better than anyone else. You would have started all over tomorrow. You're not a quitter, you're a survivor."
Mac leaned her head back on Harm's shoulder.
"I love you so so very much, Harm," she said and thought that he would never understand the dept of her feelings.
"I love you too," Harm answered thinking the same thing.
TBC