Part three
The next morning Harry awoke with a jolt. He looked at his watch and he saw that it was 8:30. Then he looked around at his surroundings. He thought he had collapsed right outside the bar in a drunken frenzy, but he was lying in a small house. He noticed Frodo was next to him, in bed. He poked Frodo continuously until he woke up and said, "Yo, Frodizzle, where are we?"
"We are in Bag-End, silly," Frodo Luv-Shaggins replied. He got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to the window and pulled back the shade. Harry saw green hills and beautiful scenery.
He said, "in other news, I got a nose spray add. See ya!"
***
After Harry returned from his shoot, he checked his message machine. It announced, " You have twelve.hundred messages."
So he started to play one, the first was from his agent saying that he had an audition for a Visine ad. This excited him, so he ran to his agent and said, "can you set me up for the Visine add?"
"Oh my, you are ugly," exclaimed his agent "Plus, a big fiery eye already claimed the job. He didn't even need an audition, he looked right for it."
***
On the way to go see his bit o' elf crumpet, Aragorn ran into a very strange person. He was going on and on about leverage.
So Aragorn muttered to himself, "what a wanker," and trudged off. He started to feel hungry, unfortunately there were no squirrels around.
Feeling bored, he decided to go see Silmarillion: The Musical live on Broadway in Rivendell.
Upon arriving there, he saw a whole load of people he knew. Everyone was there. So he took his seat next to his she-elf.
Just as the play was starting 5 more people arrived, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, and Legolas.
All of a sudden the curtains opened and the lights dimmed. Aragorn was horrified by what he saw. It was the nude rendition. Legolas decided to get up and join the crew, poncy tosser. Far too many high kicks.
In the middle of Legolas' solo performance, Frodo started to projectile vomit. So the show sadly went to an intermission. While everyone was 'intermishing' outside, Legolas went into his sparkly pink dressing room. He sadly looked down at his pitiful package.
"Dammit, I have to bitch at someone about this." So he picked up the phone and called his mother and said, "Mom, how come I have such a teeny weenie? It's all your fault!"
His mother replied, "No, honey, that would be your fathers fault, but I'm sure its fine sweetie."
"No, mom, I'm looking at the weenus and I'm NOT happy."
Meanwhile, outside, Aragorn and Gimli were having fun aiming Frodo at Harry, who a couple seconds later was covered in Frodo's vomit. Which incidentally smelled quite like turnips.
In the midst of Gimli and Aragorn's cackling, Wormtongue came rollin up on 24 inch dubs bouncin to "The Last March of the Ents" song. He stepped out and ran towards them wheezing, "Have I missed it? Did I miss the nude rendition?"
They all stared blankly at him until they saw Wormtail come out of the car too. He said to Wormtongue, "C'mon hun, lets go inside.
"Okay my dear spinach puff," Wormtongue replied. So they walked arm in arm back into the show. Everyone followed them, unfortunately, Sam heard a snatch of their conversation.
" HA. I used to live with the dark lord. That bastard cut off my hand, and replaced it with this silvery stuff. I do admit it has a good grip *winks at Wormtongue.* Oh and Grima.how good is this 'tongue' of yours?"
Wormtongue answered, "finger lickin good!"
At this Sam started to projectile vomit as well. Seeing that no one was watching his performance, Legolas wailed and nanced off the stage back into his shiny dressing room where he would dwell in depression for two whole minutes and then return to stage with his scary-beyond-all-reason high kicks.
***
After the show a few people decided to go talk to Elrond. They asked him why he left Rivendell. He said, "I am here to answer the thrrrrreat of morrrrrdorrrr (rolls tongue). If I were to refuse.the dark Lord Sauron would imprison me in the dungeons of Barad-dur and make me sex slave for all eternity.
Just as he said this, a loud screech filled the air. Aragorn looked up and noticed some black riders. He grabbed a torch and chucked it at them. They screeched a bit more and fled.
Aragorn turned around to look at everyone. He had hoped that they would all throw up their hats and run to him saying "wicked", just like they ran after Harry after he showed up Draco. But they didn't, they were all crowded around Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Frodo had seemed to have a seizure of some sort. His eyes rolled back in his head, his hand was clutched at his breast, and he was making quiet moaning sounds.
He got all crazy and sexy looking. He said, "They're hear, they've come!"
The strange thing is that everyone in the theater was screaming and running around, except for the dancers on stage. They just kept on dancing.
Back in his dressing room, Legolas was thinking to himself, "hmm...that feels good. Then he felt a weird sort of wet tickling sensation in his ear. He turned around and noticed Wormtongue licking his ear.
"Ewwwwwwe," Legolas exclaimed. "Bitch, what the hell you lickin my ear fo?"
At this, Wormtongue looked hurt and replied, "Fine, ill just go and fine Wormtail, at least he appreciates my tongue."
And he scampered off to find Peter.
Just as he said this, Wormtail returned to his human form, for he was in the shape of a rat. Wormtongue looked startled, yet happy. He asked, "so who are you living with?"
Wormtail answered, "Willard. You know how he doesn't mind rats."
"Hmm.Willard? You mean that greasy haired guy. With the weird nose," he replied.
"Yeah"
"I thought his name was Severus Snape. Damn, I heard some nasty rumors about him. Poor students, and down there in the dungeon. No one can hear their screams."
".Uh, no. His name is Willard!"
"Okay"
*** Frodo, after his convulsions, had calmed down a bit and Harry said, "Um, excuse me, but I've been covered in vomit. Can I leave?"
"Yeah, us too," added Sam and Frodo. "And maybe take a shower." Sam said eyeing Mr. Frodo. But Frodo had his eye on Harry.
Elrond answered, "Yes, you arrrrre exused." So Frodo, Sam and Harry left hand in hand.
Back to Legolas in his dressing room, he was frustrated, so he decided to take Aragorn's advice. He would put some lotion on it, because it was getting chapped.
He thought to him self, "How I wish that unwashed tramp would throw me down and shag me rotten. I'm sick of him clapping me on the shoulder in a manly fashion. I could also use one Sam's awesome foot massages.
***
In the shower, where Harry, Frodo, and Sam were bathing, Harry started gallivanting around. Frodo drop kicked him down and whipped out. Sting, and said, "this is Sting, you've seen it before, haven't you Potter!"
"No, I haven't!" wailed Harry.
"Yes, you have!" retorted Frodo.
"No, I HAVEN'T!" Harry yelled back.
All of a sudden, Gandalf poked his head into the shower and said, "If anyone cares, I'm flame retardant."
"Well, WE DON'T CARE!" screamed Sam.
Gandalf left feeling hurt.
Harry and Frodo went on arguing for another 10 minutes until Sam got annoyed with the lack of shower time with Frodo.
"C'mon, Mr. Frodo, its time for your strawberry scented bubble body wash." Sam smirked to himself, "Don't drop the soap now."
***
Four hours later, the two slightly wrinkled hobbits and Harry hobbled off to go find Ron. Sam and Frodo went walking around Rivendell. Soon they passed by a room and they heard people yelling. They looked inside, and saw Legolas sitting on the edge of a bed crying, and Arwen who was brandishing a stretched out sky blue dress at him.
"I was just in a very vulnerable mood and I needed something to make me feel secure about my masculinity."
I also wanted Aragorn to notice my 'manly beauty,' Legolas thought to himself.
Arwen replied, "Oh, well its okay. I understand. C'mon, I'll make you feel better, lets go try on some of my heels."
Legolas wiped his tears, and sniffed, "OK!!"
*** Harry started wandering around Rivendell looking for Ron. After about a minute of searching, he found him. But, Lucius Malfoy was beating him with his pimp cane.
"OWWWWW," exclaimed Ron. "That hurts!"
Lucius replied, "RED HAIR! *wack* VACANT EXPRESSION *wack* TATTY SECOND HAND BOOK! *wack* YOU MUST BE A WEASLEY!"
"Well, DUH!" screamed Ron. "I've got red hair, I'm ugly, AND I'm poor. WHO ELSE COULD I BE!"
He screeched the last part pretty loudly, which made Lucius let go. That's when Harry decided not to intervene, and walked off.
After Legolas got pretty, Elrond called another secret meeting. This time, everybody was invited. Including Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Elrond politely asked Gandalf to whistle, because all that hear it come running.
So Gandalf blew a shrill whistle, and as if it were lifeguards running on a beach, everyone ran to him, not that this was far considering that everyone was only 20 feet away.
But anyway, this important meeting was to decide on the name of a band. As the band members arrived, Harry had to ask Frodo who was who.
"Well, that's Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf. You know them already. That angry looking chap over there is named Boromir. Those three shorter people are my friends, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. I know that you know Sam, very well, indeed. And that shriveled thing is Gollum. And including me, that's our band. And why is Legolas holding Twister, I thought Elrond told him that game was banished from Rivendell. But, o well. Here, let me introduce you to my friends."
And, at that, Elrond called for the members to come to order. And that is when the magic happened. Here is how it went down.
Aragorn: The Kings. Lets be the Kings. Gandalf: uh.no. Sam: Weasel Feet
At this Ron turned bright red, and started to get angry
Boromir: the Horns of Gondor? Aragorn: hell no. Athelas? Pippin: the Elevensies! Frodo: no. Legolas: NSYNC! Gimli: that's already taken, you banana ass. Legolas: why are you looking at my ass? Gimli: I like big buts and I cannot lie. Legolas: you aren't one to talk. Gollum: my precious! Aragorn: uh.no. Gollum: precious! Sam: would you get out of here? Frodo: precious? Precious. I like that name! Boromir: okay, I cant call you that. Merry: uh.no Pippin: second breakfasts. Merry: ooo, I like that one. Sam: mmm.food. Aragorn: you've already had it. Pippin: we've had one, yes. What abo- Boromir: STOP.
Gandalf: um.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Frodo: hmm? Sam: no, the band name. Gimli: no. Legolas: I'm still the prettiest! Gandalf: shut up, hobag. Aragorn: yo' mama. Boromir: my mama is dead.
Legolas: QUEEN!
Boromir: what did you call me? Gimli: I love them! Frodo: already taken. Sam: (to Legolas) don't insult them, you fighead.
Legolas: PINK!
Aragorn: no, goddammit. Frodo: then you think of something! Aragorn: I'm trying, you creep. Sam: don't you talk to my Frodo like that! Unshaved tramp! Frodo: oh Sam. Gimli: laaa. Boromir: shut up you hairy newt. Elrond: purple is so my color.
Gollum: *whispers* no it isn't! *runs away*
Elrond: AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! *runs after Gollum* Gandalf: uh. Frodo: laaa. Gandalf: the Fellowship. Aragorn: .why the fuck didn't I think of that?
***
The next morning Harry awoke with a jolt. He looked at his watch and he saw that it was 8:30. Then he looked around at his surroundings. He thought he had collapsed right outside the bar in a drunken frenzy, but he was lying in a small house. He noticed Frodo was next to him, in bed. He poked Frodo continuously until he woke up and said, "Yo, Frodizzle, where are we?"
"We are in Bag-End, silly," Frodo Luv-Shaggins replied. He got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to the window and pulled back the shade. Harry saw green hills and beautiful scenery.
He said, "in other news, I got a nose spray add. See ya!"
***
After Harry returned from his shoot, he checked his message machine. It announced, " You have twelve.hundred messages."
So he started to play one, the first was from his agent saying that he had an audition for a Visine ad. This excited him, so he ran to his agent and said, "can you set me up for the Visine add?"
"Oh my, you are ugly," exclaimed his agent "Plus, a big fiery eye already claimed the job. He didn't even need an audition, he looked right for it."
***
On the way to go see his bit o' elf crumpet, Aragorn ran into a very strange person. He was going on and on about leverage.
So Aragorn muttered to himself, "what a wanker," and trudged off. He started to feel hungry, unfortunately there were no squirrels around.
Feeling bored, he decided to go see Silmarillion: The Musical live on Broadway in Rivendell.
Upon arriving there, he saw a whole load of people he knew. Everyone was there. So he took his seat next to his she-elf.
Just as the play was starting 5 more people arrived, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, and Legolas.
All of a sudden the curtains opened and the lights dimmed. Aragorn was horrified by what he saw. It was the nude rendition. Legolas decided to get up and join the crew, poncy tosser. Far too many high kicks.
In the middle of Legolas' solo performance, Frodo started to projectile vomit. So the show sadly went to an intermission. While everyone was 'intermishing' outside, Legolas went into his sparkly pink dressing room. He sadly looked down at his pitiful package.
"Dammit, I have to bitch at someone about this." So he picked up the phone and called his mother and said, "Mom, how come I have such a teeny weenie? It's all your fault!"
His mother replied, "No, honey, that would be your fathers fault, but I'm sure its fine sweetie."
"No, mom, I'm looking at the weenus and I'm NOT happy."
Meanwhile, outside, Aragorn and Gimli were having fun aiming Frodo at Harry, who a couple seconds later was covered in Frodo's vomit. Which incidentally smelled quite like turnips.
In the midst of Gimli and Aragorn's cackling, Wormtongue came rollin up on 24 inch dubs bouncin to "The Last March of the Ents" song. He stepped out and ran towards them wheezing, "Have I missed it? Did I miss the nude rendition?"
They all stared blankly at him until they saw Wormtail come out of the car too. He said to Wormtongue, "C'mon hun, lets go inside.
"Okay my dear spinach puff," Wormtongue replied. So they walked arm in arm back into the show. Everyone followed them, unfortunately, Sam heard a snatch of their conversation.
" HA. I used to live with the dark lord. That bastard cut off my hand, and replaced it with this silvery stuff. I do admit it has a good grip *winks at Wormtongue.* Oh and Grima.how good is this 'tongue' of yours?"
Wormtongue answered, "finger lickin good!"
At this Sam started to projectile vomit as well. Seeing that no one was watching his performance, Legolas wailed and nanced off the stage back into his shiny dressing room where he would dwell in depression for two whole minutes and then return to stage with his scary-beyond-all-reason high kicks.
***
After the show a few people decided to go talk to Elrond. They asked him why he left Rivendell. He said, "I am here to answer the thrrrrreat of morrrrrdorrrr (rolls tongue). If I were to refuse.the dark Lord Sauron would imprison me in the dungeons of Barad-dur and make me sex slave for all eternity.
Just as he said this, a loud screech filled the air. Aragorn looked up and noticed some black riders. He grabbed a torch and chucked it at them. They screeched a bit more and fled.
Aragorn turned around to look at everyone. He had hoped that they would all throw up their hats and run to him saying "wicked", just like they ran after Harry after he showed up Draco. But they didn't, they were all crowded around Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Frodo had seemed to have a seizure of some sort. His eyes rolled back in his head, his hand was clutched at his breast, and he was making quiet moaning sounds.
He got all crazy and sexy looking. He said, "They're hear, they've come!"
The strange thing is that everyone in the theater was screaming and running around, except for the dancers on stage. They just kept on dancing.
Back in his dressing room, Legolas was thinking to himself, "hmm...that feels good. Then he felt a weird sort of wet tickling sensation in his ear. He turned around and noticed Wormtongue licking his ear.
"Ewwwwwwe," Legolas exclaimed. "Bitch, what the hell you lickin my ear fo?"
At this, Wormtongue looked hurt and replied, "Fine, ill just go and fine Wormtail, at least he appreciates my tongue."
And he scampered off to find Peter.
Just as he said this, Wormtail returned to his human form, for he was in the shape of a rat. Wormtongue looked startled, yet happy. He asked, "so who are you living with?"
Wormtail answered, "Willard. You know how he doesn't mind rats."
"Hmm.Willard? You mean that greasy haired guy. With the weird nose," he replied.
"Yeah"
"I thought his name was Severus Snape. Damn, I heard some nasty rumors about him. Poor students, and down there in the dungeon. No one can hear their screams."
".Uh, no. His name is Willard!"
"Okay"
*** Frodo, after his convulsions, had calmed down a bit and Harry said, "Um, excuse me, but I've been covered in vomit. Can I leave?"
"Yeah, us too," added Sam and Frodo. "And maybe take a shower." Sam said eyeing Mr. Frodo. But Frodo had his eye on Harry.
Elrond answered, "Yes, you arrrrre exused." So Frodo, Sam and Harry left hand in hand.
Back to Legolas in his dressing room, he was frustrated, so he decided to take Aragorn's advice. He would put some lotion on it, because it was getting chapped.
He thought to him self, "How I wish that unwashed tramp would throw me down and shag me rotten. I'm sick of him clapping me on the shoulder in a manly fashion. I could also use one Sam's awesome foot massages.
***
In the shower, where Harry, Frodo, and Sam were bathing, Harry started gallivanting around. Frodo drop kicked him down and whipped out. Sting, and said, "this is Sting, you've seen it before, haven't you Potter!"
"No, I haven't!" wailed Harry.
"Yes, you have!" retorted Frodo.
"No, I HAVEN'T!" Harry yelled back.
All of a sudden, Gandalf poked his head into the shower and said, "If anyone cares, I'm flame retardant."
"Well, WE DON'T CARE!" screamed Sam.
Gandalf left feeling hurt.
Harry and Frodo went on arguing for another 10 minutes until Sam got annoyed with the lack of shower time with Frodo.
"C'mon, Mr. Frodo, its time for your strawberry scented bubble body wash." Sam smirked to himself, "Don't drop the soap now."
***
Four hours later, the two slightly wrinkled hobbits and Harry hobbled off to go find Ron. Sam and Frodo went walking around Rivendell. Soon they passed by a room and they heard people yelling. They looked inside, and saw Legolas sitting on the edge of a bed crying, and Arwen who was brandishing a stretched out sky blue dress at him.
"I was just in a very vulnerable mood and I needed something to make me feel secure about my masculinity."
I also wanted Aragorn to notice my 'manly beauty,' Legolas thought to himself.
Arwen replied, "Oh, well its okay. I understand. C'mon, I'll make you feel better, lets go try on some of my heels."
Legolas wiped his tears, and sniffed, "OK!!"
*** Harry started wandering around Rivendell looking for Ron. After about a minute of searching, he found him. But, Lucius Malfoy was beating him with his pimp cane.
"OWWWWW," exclaimed Ron. "That hurts!"
Lucius replied, "RED HAIR! *wack* VACANT EXPRESSION *wack* TATTY SECOND HAND BOOK! *wack* YOU MUST BE A WEASLEY!"
"Well, DUH!" screamed Ron. "I've got red hair, I'm ugly, AND I'm poor. WHO ELSE COULD I BE!"
He screeched the last part pretty loudly, which made Lucius let go. That's when Harry decided not to intervene, and walked off.
After Legolas got pretty, Elrond called another secret meeting. This time, everybody was invited. Including Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Elrond politely asked Gandalf to whistle, because all that hear it come running.
So Gandalf blew a shrill whistle, and as if it were lifeguards running on a beach, everyone ran to him, not that this was far considering that everyone was only 20 feet away.
But anyway, this important meeting was to decide on the name of a band. As the band members arrived, Harry had to ask Frodo who was who.
"Well, that's Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf. You know them already. That angry looking chap over there is named Boromir. Those three shorter people are my friends, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. I know that you know Sam, very well, indeed. And that shriveled thing is Gollum. And including me, that's our band. And why is Legolas holding Twister, I thought Elrond told him that game was banished from Rivendell. But, o well. Here, let me introduce you to my friends."
And, at that, Elrond called for the members to come to order. And that is when the magic happened. Here is how it went down.
Aragorn: The Kings. Lets be the Kings. Gandalf: uh.no. Sam: Weasel Feet
At this Ron turned bright red, and started to get angry
Boromir: the Horns of Gondor? Aragorn: hell no. Athelas? Pippin: the Elevensies! Frodo: no. Legolas: NSYNC! Gimli: that's already taken, you banana ass. Legolas: why are you looking at my ass? Gimli: I like big buts and I cannot lie. Legolas: you aren't one to talk. Gollum: my precious! Aragorn: uh.no. Gollum: precious! Sam: would you get out of here? Frodo: precious? Precious. I like that name! Boromir: okay, I cant call you that. Merry: uh.no Pippin: second breakfasts. Merry: ooo, I like that one. Sam: mmm.food. Aragorn: you've already had it. Pippin: we've had one, yes. What abo- Boromir: STOP.
Gandalf: um.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Frodo: hmm? Sam: no, the band name. Gimli: no. Legolas: I'm still the prettiest! Gandalf: shut up, hobag. Aragorn: yo' mama. Boromir: my mama is dead.
Legolas: QUEEN!
Boromir: what did you call me? Gimli: I love them! Frodo: already taken. Sam: (to Legolas) don't insult them, you fighead.
Legolas: PINK!
Aragorn: no, goddammit. Frodo: then you think of something! Aragorn: I'm trying, you creep. Sam: don't you talk to my Frodo like that! Unshaved tramp! Frodo: oh Sam. Gimli: laaa. Boromir: shut up you hairy newt. Elrond: purple is so my color.
Gollum: *whispers* no it isn't! *runs away*
Elrond: AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! *runs after Gollum* Gandalf: uh. Frodo: laaa. Gandalf: the Fellowship. Aragorn: .why the fuck didn't I think of that?
***