There was a huge roar and standing ovation from the crowd as each of the
Fellowship took their bow. Merry then grabbed the microphone, which
incidentally looked like a carrot, and announced, "Now to begin the solos,
we have our favorite angry dwarf, Gimli son of Gloin!"
Everyone cheered and there were high pitched whistles and screams of appreciation, which were surprisingly coming mainly from Legolas.
Gimli then tromped into the spotlight while the rest of the Fellowship were swaying slowly in the background, sporting plastic axes and swished novelty lighters in the air. (The flame took the shape of the eye.)
Everyone fell silent as Gimli began to sing. Strangely, it was not the song he had performed for his friends earlier that day.
(to the tune of "Part of Your World, from the Little Mermaid)
Look at this stuff Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collections complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the dwarf, the dwarf who has everything? Look at this trove Treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Lookin around here you'd think... Sure, he's got everything. I've got Mithril and gold aplenty I've got orcs and balrogs galore You want cave trolls, I've got twenty. But who cares? No big deal... ...I want more I wanna be where the elves are I wanna see 'em nancing Nancing around on those...what do you call them? ...oh yeah, feet. Delving in the mines, you don't get to far My legs only let me do diggin' and eatin' And roasting some ripe...whats that word again? ...meat Up where they nance Up where they say How bout dying side by side with a friend? Destroying a ring I wish I could sing And be part of his world What would I give, if I could live Together with Legolas What would I pay To spend a day Up with the queer I betcha up there They understand That they don't ask my opinion. No dwarf women Sick of Legolas trying And ready to find some food. And ready to know what Legolas knows Ask him my questions And demand some answers Like why is it full of anger? And what's the word...SHUT UP Where is my cup Full of the Stuff that I love Wish it could be Oh god please Make it malt beer
***
There was a long pause.
*crickets chirp*
Legolas then began clapping and cheering in the midst of wiping tears from his eyes.
*crickets still chirp*
Aragorn began clapping, and at this, the whole crowd erupted and began clapping as well.
The Sam grabbed his microphone, which looked like Frodo, except a bit less clothed and said, "And now, performing his solo, which has actually become a hit in many gay bars...err, bars all across Rivendell...Legolassss Greenleaf."
***
Legolas then nanced on stage into a new change of outfit, it was a purple velvety frock with a very daring slit all the way up to his...hip. He went into the spotlight, and slightly winked at Elrond who turned red with fury at seeing the embroidery all along the slit of Legolas' "man-dress" and shiny tiara.
The audience again fell silent. Except for one half, who seemed to be waiting for this performance, continued with the screeching and whooping. All in heels. All in tiaras. All men. Legolas gave them a beauty pageant wave, and began to sing.
(To the tune of "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred)
I'm too sexy for my love Too sexy for Gimli Gimli's going to leave me I'm too sexy for my boots, and too sexy for my skirt Too sexy it hurts Too sexy for Sauron, too sexy for Mordor Rohan and Gondor And I'm too sexy for this band And no way am I backup nancing I'm an elf, know what I mean? And I do my little confused look yeah I do it cuz I think it's hot yeah I'm too sexy for the Shire, and Angmar Too sexy by far And I'm to sexy for my dress Too sexy for my dress, what do you think about this I'm an elf, know what I mean?
***
As Legolas finished singing, the whole room seemed to be shaking as the crowd went wild. The Fellowship had to run into a dressing room to keep from getting harmed.
Legolas was devistated.
"Well, obviously I didn't expect them to start throwing things."
As the crowd began rioting and breaking things, Pipping decided he would go calm them down. He walked out there and grabbed his mushroom shaped microphone and began to sing.
Home is behind
The world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadow, to the edge of night Until the stars are all alight Mist and shadow, cloud and shade All shall fade....
***
The whole crowd was in tears. And the pro-Legolas side was going into hysterics. Meanwhile, in Gondor, an ugly ass old man was stuffing his face...but back to the concert.
After Pippin had calmed everyone down, there was a small break so people could get some refreshments and so Legolas can go to the little girl's room. At the refreshment table Harry and Frodo were having a heated argument. No one was really paying attention until things started to get ugly. People started crowding around.
A vein was popping out of Harry's temple and his face was bright red. Frodo was brandishing a chocolate milkshake in his face screaming, "IM TELLING YOU, MY MILKSHAKE IS BETTER THEN YOURS!"
Harry shouted back, "I DON'T CARE! I HATE EVERYTHING!"
Frodo didn't quite know how to reply so he yelled, "WELL MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS..."
Harry screamed, "I DON'T CARE! I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"
Frodo blinked and stared, "Uh...I can teach you...but,"
"I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"
The fight was then interrupted by cheers from Sam who was sporting a giant foam finger with a ring on it yelling "go Frodo!!"
Legolas then turned to a stranger in the crowd and said, "That's Frodo, he's so hot right now."
***
The lights dimmed and everyone went back to their seats. The concert commenced again with Gandalf's song.
(To the tune of "Without me" by Eminem)
Two hobbits from the Shire go round the outside, round the outside Guess who's back, back again? Gandalf's back, tell some men... Some hobbits in the crowd started to feel a bit uncomfortable with this song, and started to throw Farmer Maggot's crop at him. Boromir, being the nice person he is stepped in with his arrow shaped microphone, and saved the day with his song.
(To the tune of Hit Me Baby...One More Time, by Britney Spears)
Oh Frodo, Frodo How was I supposed to know That the ring was going to take me Oh Frodo, Frodo I should have let you go Oh look, I've been shot twice, yeah Show me how many times it's gunna be Tell me orc man cuz I need to know now, oh because
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.
Oh Frodo, Frodo The reason to leave is you The ring has got me blinded Oh pretty Frodo There's nothing I wouldn't do 3 arrows is not the way I planned it Show me how you want to kill me Save me Aragorn, cuz I'm gunna die now, oh because.
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.
***
When he finished, the audience started clapping. Especially the Uruk-Hai. Gimli felt it necessary to remind everyone that these were not a rabble of mindless orc. These were Uruks. To silence this rabble, Sam grabbed his mic and started to sing.
(To the tune of I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears)
I know I may be fat and a boy But I need to do what I feel like doing So let me go and just listen
Everybody thinks that I'm just his gardener We'll did you ever think that we could be lovers Always saying, Samwise don't trim the verge at night Well I'm just trying to find out why, cuz Frodo is what I like.
Trim it, Trim it WHOOOA Prune it, Prune it WHOOOOOA (do you like it) Plant it, Plant it OOOHHHH (this feels good)
I know I may come off gay, I may come of queer But I feel like loving, I feel like touching him, when Frodo does come near
What's hurting him is hurting me, but what the hell, who cares? All I know is I'm so happy when Mr. Frodo is standing there.
I'm a slave for you. I wanna hold him. I cannot control him. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it. I'm not trying to hide it.
***
Frodo, shocked at Sam's song, serenaded the crowed with his tune.
(To the tune of I Will Survive by Diana Ross)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without Gandalf by my side. But now he's back from Gondor I just walked in to find you here, with that scared look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your staff. If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now walk out the door You keep it safe, cuz you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who said the ring would claim my life? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive. As long as I've Samwise by my side, I know I will survive.
Pippin then came out acting quite silly said, "Hahahahahahahaha, I would like to introduce you to my homedog, Merry.
Merry walked into the spotlight and said, "You smoke to much Pip." And proceeded to sing. (To the tune of "Because I got high" by Afroman)
I was gunna light some fireworks, but then I got high. Then Gandalf made me wash the dishes, cuz I got high. My face is dirty, and hair staticy, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
I snuck into the secret council, before I got high. I then joined the Fellowship, but I got high. Pippin asked the man in the dress where we were going, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
I got hobbitnapped by orcs, before I got high They hurt me and poured yucky stuff in my mouth, but then I got high. Eomer then came and slaughtered them, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high
I thought Eowyn was really cool, but I realized I was high. She brainwashed me into thinking the nazgul were bad, cuz I'm high I ended up stabbing the WkoA in the leg, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
Aragorn walking onto the stage, and stealing the spotlight rudely interrupted him. Petals kept raining down on him everywhere he went. Unfortunately Merry was singing as the petals continued to fall. He now had a mouth full of them.
The song Aragorn was singing went like this.
(To the tune of "I just can't wait to be king" from the Lion King)
I'm gunna be a mighty king So dark lords beware!
Denethor then stepped up and said
Well, I've never seen a king of men with quite so dirty hair
Aragorn answered, and it continued on in this fashion until the song was complete.
I'm gunna be the main event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm wondering what for?
Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing
Oh I just can't wait to be king!
You've rather a long way to go, Aragorn, if you think...
No one saying do this
Now when I said that, I...
No one saying be there
What I was saying was...
No one saying stop that
Look, what you don't realize...
No one saying see here
Now see here!
Free to take a bath all day
Well, that's definitely out
Free to do it all my way!
I think its time that you and I arranged a heart to heart
Kings don't need advice from the steward for a start.
If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out. Out of service, out of Gondor, I wouldn't hang about. This ranger is starting to stink.
Oh I just can't wait to be king.
As soon as he was done singing, a great shadow fell on the crowd. Looking menacing, the Witch King of Angmar walked into the room.
Instead of holding his mace, he was holding a giant can of refried beans. Legolas gathered up his courage and walked up to the Witch King and said, "Where'd you get dem beans? I shall kill you."
The Witch King replied, "No living man can kill me."
Legolas ripped off his dress and announced, "I AM NO MAN!"
And he stormed off. The Witch King of Angmar, thinking on his feet, stuck out his leg. Legolas, unknowingly walked on and tripped, saying, "Whups. Fell over."
***
There was a good deal of pointing and laughing as Legolas got to his feet and proceeded to run like a ninny to the little girls room. The Witch King then stalked off to get a good seat.
He began smiting people in the front row when someone informed him that the concert was over. Although you are usually advised not to do so, the Witch King killed the messenger by taking off his pointy helmet crown and lobbing it at him.
The victim of his lobbage yelled out, "She-lobbed it at me!"
The Witch King ripped off his helmet and said, "I am no woman."
Everyone was trying to see inside his hood, but failed miserably. Harry then started throwing rocks, but never found out where they went.
The Lord of the Nazgul started to get aggravated with the rocks raining down on him, so he brandished his ban of beans in Harry's face.
Harry started to get angry and screamed, "WHITE HOT ANGER IS LICKING MY INSIDES!"
The Witch King was stunned, not knowing what insides were, nor the color white. Ron attempted to hex the 'Greatest of the Nine' but did not succeed. The Lord of the Nazgul took his can of beans and swung it at Ron, breaking his wand.
"My wand. Look at my wand," Ron said with his voice cracking.
The Witch King didn't seem to care. His fell beast swooped down the Witch King swung onto it and flew away.
***
Everyone cheered and there were high pitched whistles and screams of appreciation, which were surprisingly coming mainly from Legolas.
Gimli then tromped into the spotlight while the rest of the Fellowship were swaying slowly in the background, sporting plastic axes and swished novelty lighters in the air. (The flame took the shape of the eye.)
Everyone fell silent as Gimli began to sing. Strangely, it was not the song he had performed for his friends earlier that day.
(to the tune of "Part of Your World, from the Little Mermaid)
Look at this stuff Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collections complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the dwarf, the dwarf who has everything? Look at this trove Treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Lookin around here you'd think... Sure, he's got everything. I've got Mithril and gold aplenty I've got orcs and balrogs galore You want cave trolls, I've got twenty. But who cares? No big deal... ...I want more I wanna be where the elves are I wanna see 'em nancing Nancing around on those...what do you call them? ...oh yeah, feet. Delving in the mines, you don't get to far My legs only let me do diggin' and eatin' And roasting some ripe...whats that word again? ...meat Up where they nance Up where they say How bout dying side by side with a friend? Destroying a ring I wish I could sing And be part of his world What would I give, if I could live Together with Legolas What would I pay To spend a day Up with the queer I betcha up there They understand That they don't ask my opinion. No dwarf women Sick of Legolas trying And ready to find some food. And ready to know what Legolas knows Ask him my questions And demand some answers Like why is it full of anger? And what's the word...SHUT UP Where is my cup Full of the Stuff that I love Wish it could be Oh god please Make it malt beer
***
There was a long pause.
*crickets chirp*
Legolas then began clapping and cheering in the midst of wiping tears from his eyes.
*crickets still chirp*
Aragorn began clapping, and at this, the whole crowd erupted and began clapping as well.
The Sam grabbed his microphone, which looked like Frodo, except a bit less clothed and said, "And now, performing his solo, which has actually become a hit in many gay bars...err, bars all across Rivendell...Legolassss Greenleaf."
***
Legolas then nanced on stage into a new change of outfit, it was a purple velvety frock with a very daring slit all the way up to his...hip. He went into the spotlight, and slightly winked at Elrond who turned red with fury at seeing the embroidery all along the slit of Legolas' "man-dress" and shiny tiara.
The audience again fell silent. Except for one half, who seemed to be waiting for this performance, continued with the screeching and whooping. All in heels. All in tiaras. All men. Legolas gave them a beauty pageant wave, and began to sing.
(To the tune of "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred)
I'm too sexy for my love Too sexy for Gimli Gimli's going to leave me I'm too sexy for my boots, and too sexy for my skirt Too sexy it hurts Too sexy for Sauron, too sexy for Mordor Rohan and Gondor And I'm too sexy for this band And no way am I backup nancing I'm an elf, know what I mean? And I do my little confused look yeah I do it cuz I think it's hot yeah I'm too sexy for the Shire, and Angmar Too sexy by far And I'm to sexy for my dress Too sexy for my dress, what do you think about this I'm an elf, know what I mean?
***
As Legolas finished singing, the whole room seemed to be shaking as the crowd went wild. The Fellowship had to run into a dressing room to keep from getting harmed.
Legolas was devistated.
"Well, obviously I didn't expect them to start throwing things."
As the crowd began rioting and breaking things, Pipping decided he would go calm them down. He walked out there and grabbed his mushroom shaped microphone and began to sing.
Home is behind
The world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadow, to the edge of night Until the stars are all alight Mist and shadow, cloud and shade All shall fade....
***
The whole crowd was in tears. And the pro-Legolas side was going into hysterics. Meanwhile, in Gondor, an ugly ass old man was stuffing his face...but back to the concert.
After Pippin had calmed everyone down, there was a small break so people could get some refreshments and so Legolas can go to the little girl's room. At the refreshment table Harry and Frodo were having a heated argument. No one was really paying attention until things started to get ugly. People started crowding around.
A vein was popping out of Harry's temple and his face was bright red. Frodo was brandishing a chocolate milkshake in his face screaming, "IM TELLING YOU, MY MILKSHAKE IS BETTER THEN YOURS!"
Harry shouted back, "I DON'T CARE! I HATE EVERYTHING!"
Frodo didn't quite know how to reply so he yelled, "WELL MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS..."
Harry screamed, "I DON'T CARE! I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"
Frodo blinked and stared, "Uh...I can teach you...but,"
"I AM FILLED WITH WHITE HOT ANGER!"
The fight was then interrupted by cheers from Sam who was sporting a giant foam finger with a ring on it yelling "go Frodo!!"
Legolas then turned to a stranger in the crowd and said, "That's Frodo, he's so hot right now."
***
The lights dimmed and everyone went back to their seats. The concert commenced again with Gandalf's song.
(To the tune of "Without me" by Eminem)
Two hobbits from the Shire go round the outside, round the outside Guess who's back, back again? Gandalf's back, tell some men... Some hobbits in the crowd started to feel a bit uncomfortable with this song, and started to throw Farmer Maggot's crop at him. Boromir, being the nice person he is stepped in with his arrow shaped microphone, and saved the day with his song.
(To the tune of Hit Me Baby...One More Time, by Britney Spears)
Oh Frodo, Frodo How was I supposed to know That the ring was going to take me Oh Frodo, Frodo I should have let you go Oh look, I've been shot twice, yeah Show me how many times it's gunna be Tell me orc man cuz I need to know now, oh because
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.
Oh Frodo, Frodo The reason to leave is you The ring has got me blinded Oh pretty Frodo There's nothing I wouldn't do 3 arrows is not the way I planned it Show me how you want to kill me Save me Aragorn, cuz I'm gunna die now, oh because.
The arrows in my body, are killing me I must confess, I wanted the ring When I see it, I lose my mind Give me some time Shoot me baby one more time.
***
When he finished, the audience started clapping. Especially the Uruk-Hai. Gimli felt it necessary to remind everyone that these were not a rabble of mindless orc. These were Uruks. To silence this rabble, Sam grabbed his mic and started to sing.
(To the tune of I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears)
I know I may be fat and a boy But I need to do what I feel like doing So let me go and just listen
Everybody thinks that I'm just his gardener We'll did you ever think that we could be lovers Always saying, Samwise don't trim the verge at night Well I'm just trying to find out why, cuz Frodo is what I like.
Trim it, Trim it WHOOOA Prune it, Prune it WHOOOOOA (do you like it) Plant it, Plant it OOOHHHH (this feels good)
I know I may come off gay, I may come of queer But I feel like loving, I feel like touching him, when Frodo does come near
What's hurting him is hurting me, but what the hell, who cares? All I know is I'm so happy when Mr. Frodo is standing there.
I'm a slave for you. I wanna hold him. I cannot control him. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it. I'm not trying to hide it.
***
Frodo, shocked at Sam's song, serenaded the crowed with his tune.
(To the tune of I Will Survive by Diana Ross)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without Gandalf by my side. But now he's back from Gondor I just walked in to find you here, with that scared look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your staff. If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now walk out the door You keep it safe, cuz you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who said the ring would claim my life? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive. As long as I've Samwise by my side, I know I will survive.
Pippin then came out acting quite silly said, "Hahahahahahahaha, I would like to introduce you to my homedog, Merry.
Merry walked into the spotlight and said, "You smoke to much Pip." And proceeded to sing. (To the tune of "Because I got high" by Afroman)
I was gunna light some fireworks, but then I got high. Then Gandalf made me wash the dishes, cuz I got high. My face is dirty, and hair staticy, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
I snuck into the secret council, before I got high. I then joined the Fellowship, but I got high. Pippin asked the man in the dress where we were going, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
I got hobbitnapped by orcs, before I got high They hurt me and poured yucky stuff in my mouth, but then I got high. Eomer then came and slaughtered them, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high
I thought Eowyn was really cool, but I realized I was high. She brainwashed me into thinking the nazgul were bad, cuz I'm high I ended up stabbing the WkoA in the leg, and I know why, why man? Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.
Aragorn walking onto the stage, and stealing the spotlight rudely interrupted him. Petals kept raining down on him everywhere he went. Unfortunately Merry was singing as the petals continued to fall. He now had a mouth full of them.
The song Aragorn was singing went like this.
(To the tune of "I just can't wait to be king" from the Lion King)
I'm gunna be a mighty king So dark lords beware!
Denethor then stepped up and said
Well, I've never seen a king of men with quite so dirty hair
Aragorn answered, and it continued on in this fashion until the song was complete.
I'm gunna be the main event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm wondering what for?
Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing
Oh I just can't wait to be king!
You've rather a long way to go, Aragorn, if you think...
No one saying do this
Now when I said that, I...
No one saying be there
What I was saying was...
No one saying stop that
Look, what you don't realize...
No one saying see here
Now see here!
Free to take a bath all day
Well, that's definitely out
Free to do it all my way!
I think its time that you and I arranged a heart to heart
Kings don't need advice from the steward for a start.
If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out. Out of service, out of Gondor, I wouldn't hang about. This ranger is starting to stink.
Oh I just can't wait to be king.
As soon as he was done singing, a great shadow fell on the crowd. Looking menacing, the Witch King of Angmar walked into the room.
Instead of holding his mace, he was holding a giant can of refried beans. Legolas gathered up his courage and walked up to the Witch King and said, "Where'd you get dem beans? I shall kill you."
The Witch King replied, "No living man can kill me."
Legolas ripped off his dress and announced, "I AM NO MAN!"
And he stormed off. The Witch King of Angmar, thinking on his feet, stuck out his leg. Legolas, unknowingly walked on and tripped, saying, "Whups. Fell over."
***
There was a good deal of pointing and laughing as Legolas got to his feet and proceeded to run like a ninny to the little girls room. The Witch King then stalked off to get a good seat.
He began smiting people in the front row when someone informed him that the concert was over. Although you are usually advised not to do so, the Witch King killed the messenger by taking off his pointy helmet crown and lobbing it at him.
The victim of his lobbage yelled out, "She-lobbed it at me!"
The Witch King ripped off his helmet and said, "I am no woman."
Everyone was trying to see inside his hood, but failed miserably. Harry then started throwing rocks, but never found out where they went.
The Lord of the Nazgul started to get aggravated with the rocks raining down on him, so he brandished his ban of beans in Harry's face.
Harry started to get angry and screamed, "WHITE HOT ANGER IS LICKING MY INSIDES!"
The Witch King was stunned, not knowing what insides were, nor the color white. Ron attempted to hex the 'Greatest of the Nine' but did not succeed. The Lord of the Nazgul took his can of beans and swung it at Ron, breaking his wand.
"My wand. Look at my wand," Ron said with his voice cracking.
The Witch King didn't seem to care. His fell beast swooped down the Witch King swung onto it and flew away.
***