And On Tonight's Show - Keep That #%& Away From My Shinji!
"Welcome back to the Kaji Ryouji show! We had to cut the introductions just a teensy bit short last time -" Kaji's grin never slips as he nimbly dodges sideways to avoid a falling lump of plaster in the middle of his spiel "because of technical difficulties but we're back and unscathed, ready to bring you more high quality filth!" Unfortunately for Kaji, his scenario is starting to come unstuck.
They are the best mercenaries money can buy, armed with the most sophisticated black market weaponry available. Assigned to guard a highly volatile and dangerous cargo they are beginning to have serious fears for their safety.
THUNK!
Immured in an underground bunker left over from the paranoia of the Cold War which and recently been purchased by a private consortium - whose purposes for it are far more sinister - these crack killers surround a specially constructed containment unit.
THUNK!
Built from a ceramic compound adapted from the armour used on Main Battle Tanks, interspersed with multiple layers of carbon fibre, one might reasonably expect that there is very little on earth that could escape from it.
THUNK!
Unfortunately for someone the container's contents did not by any stretch of the imagination originate on earth.
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
With an unholy shriek of tortured metal the container literally disintegrates as its inhabitant bursts free. Automatic weapons fire mixes with manic giggling and screams of pure, unbridled terror in a hideous cacophony of noise. When it is over all that is left are shards of metal from the container embedded in the bunker walls and a group of twelve men who will spend the rest of their lives in institutions, dribbling into their mashed vegetables.
"Uh, sir? We have a problem."
"Not now!" hisses Kaji at the assistant tugging persistently at his sleeve, "I'm in the middle of the damn show!"
"Trouble, Kaji-kun?" enquires Misato in a voice like a honey-coated stiletto.
"Not at all, not at all," is his gritted reply.
"But sir -" comes the wailed reply "- it's . . ."
Exactly what the unknown assistant was going to say will be forever lost in the mists of time, although the words 'too late' would have been undeniably appropriate.
With a whoosh of displaced air a grayish blur streaks into the studio. It charges through the audience, its passage marked by overturned chairs and cries of disturbed outrage from men who will later have some trouble sitting down, for reasons it is better not to dwell on. A sufficiently astute observer might notice that it seems to be headed directly for Shinji Ikari. Rei has certainly noticed.
Precisely what happened next will never be entirely resolved. Despite the entire incident being captured on tape from half a dozen different camera angles experts will disagree for years afterwards on what exactly happened, spawning at least five books and untold conspiracy theories. What is known for certain (after the footage was slowed down a hundred times and digitally enhanced) is this:
Rei moves to stand in front of Shinji with the controlled fury, power and speed of a lioness.
The as yet unidentified blur comes straight at her.
All hell breaks loose, for roughly the twenty-seventh time so far in the last minute.
Shinji, Rei and the unknown force become tangled up in a chaotic, swirling mass of appendages. Occasional flashes of blue and grey are briefly visible in the melee, from which thuds, screams, two thrown chairs and one highly suspicious groan (or moan, it's hard to be sure) all issue. When the confusion is finally over the explanation for these bizarre events is suddenly, startlingly, disturbingly apparent:
Kaji's first surprise guest is Kaworu Nagisa.
Rei's expression is difficult to describe, so for lack of a term that more accurately conveys the mind numbingly horrifying fury on her face . . .
Rei looks pissed off.
Seriously pissed off.
Royally pissed off.
Put it this way: Based on Rei's expression, Kaworu's life expectancy is so short that mathematicians haven't yet developed a unit of time small enough to accurately measure it. Kaworu is too busy feeling Shinji up - in a fashion that, at the very least, is a little too unsubtle for national TV - to notice. Shinji seems to be trying to work out whether he should be enjoying himself or not when the question is answered for him by Rei picking Kaworu up by his belt and shirt collar before throwing him onto the floor, WWF style (she's a closet fan).
"What the hell is this freak doing here?"
Kaji makes a desperate attempt to salvage something from the situation (not that he has a popsicle's chance in you-know-where at this point, but when you host a show like this 'eternal optimist' is part of the job description) by announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen our first special guest has arrived! Meet Kaworu Nagisa, pilot, philosopher, openly gay -"
"Openly perverse, you mean," Asuka interjects.
Kaji is about to prove that he didn't hear that by continuing on in still- blissful ignorance, but he never gets the chance.
"YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!"
Guess who?
About to display his terminal stupidity for the last time by responding to this with something about ratings and performance related bonuses Kaji's life is saved by Kaworu's unwittingly provided distraction.
"You perverted FREAK!"
That was Asuka, in case you hadn't guessed.
"I was only trying to get a hand up."
Kaworu is doing his best to placate Asuka, but it's hard to make bambi eyes when your irises are the colour of tomatoes.
"It wasn't my hand you were reaching for!"
This highly cliché (and thoroughly in-character) exchange of slurs is distracting Rei from deciding on which method of torture she's going to use on Kaji, so she feels compelled to put an end to their argument first. She stands up and makes a weird swirly gesture that involves waving both arms around while attempting to dislocate her pelvis (this last part of the manoeuvre being rather obviously for Shinji's benefit). Regardless of the fact that she looks a lot like Misato the time she tried to do the Hustler after a dozen cans of Yebisu Rei somehow manages to get her AT field to produce twin bolts of ice that freeze Asuka and Kaworu in place.
That thud you can hear in the background is Kihl Lorenz falling off his chair in shock. Gendo would've too, but his position locks him in place.
At the Aida household:
"Y'know Kensuke, maybe showing Ayanami how to play Mortal Kombat wasn't such a good idea after all."
"As long as she only uses the moves on The Demon Bitch Goddess From Hell, who cares?"
"Huh. Good point."
Rei, meanwhile, is standing over Asuka and looking contemplative. This, clearly, Is Not A Good Thing. Even scarier though is the way in which she has begun to speak like a Bond villain in one of the cheesier movies.
"So," (Ominous Pause) "second," (Ominous Pause) "at last I have you at my mercy," (OP). "After I have cut your strings," (OP) "we shall see who the real doll is!" (OP). At this point Rei should be giving an evil, echoing laugh, but she's still working up to that. The Geofront wasn't built in a day, after all.
"NO REI DON'T!"
This time it's Shinji doing the yelling. A Shinji who, incidentally, is about to be closely interrogated by Rei for his interruption.
"Is there something you're not telling me Shinji-kun?"
If Rei sounded scary before she's taking it to a whole new level now. Gendo and his glasses have nothing on THAT tone of voice. Shinji, taking note of this, demonstrates that the human instinct for survival is powerful enough to overcome even his antipathy.
"If-you-kill-her-you'll-be-charged-with-murder-and-be-sent-to-jail-and-I'll- never-see-you-again-and-Idon't-want-that-to-happen!"
The credibility of this romantic assertion is somewhat undermined by Shinji's deer-in-Misato's-headlights expression, but as Rei is about to demonstrate love really is blind. With a swiftness that suggests serious instability Rei shifts from uber-creepy to uber-kawaii.
"Isn't my Shin-chan a sweetie!" Rei declares in a voice that would send even the cutest bunny rabbit or newborn puppy running for the insulin as she executes an eight-foot standing jump to land in Shinji's lap. The males in the audience experience a sudden of unity as they silently but simultaneously urge Shinji to run as far and as fast from this plugsuit clad maniac as possible - no matter how cute her blue hair is.
This whole talk show idea was the biggest mistake of my life, Kaji thinks. I should have started my own wrestling league and gotten them to compete in that.
Noticing that the way Rei is looking at Shinji suggests she's about to do something that will force him into a later (and lower rated) timeslot he desperately signals his crew to cut to a commercial break, without even jumping up to do his spiel.
What was I thinking? If I'd gone with the wrestling I could have stayed outside the ring, Kaji berates himself as he sinks back down into a puddle of sweat large enough to irrigate most of Egypt.
More after the break folks!