Grausamkeit – Cruelty
too many weeds in the flowers
too many pills in the pharmacy now
too many bugs in the shower
there's too much shit in the air now.
The young boy stared on in muted silence at the dead body of his mother. Pushed down the stairs by his stepfather, she'd died of a broken neck.
All because he'd told her. Told her of the pain, the fear, and the nightmares of his reality.
The boy glanced around the room again, until his eyes settled onto a picture. A memory of a better time. His mother leaning on his stepfather, who was holding a smiling Yohji (age 5) on his shoulders. That was July 4th. Five months later – Yohji's 6th birthday – everything begun. He remembered all too clearly.
He lay in bed asleep, tired out from a long party with all his friends. He was dreaming happily of all the gifts he had received, and having his family to play with the next day. His stepfather had promised to take him to an amusement park and his mother had promised a home-cooked meal – a rarity in their household. Then there was the sound of knocking on his door – faintly, as if the person knocking wanted no one but Yohji to hear them. The young boy got up and answered the door with a faint and tired 'hello'. His stepfather walked in, picking Yohji up, and setting him down on the bed. Wide eyes looked back in confusion.
"Yohji."
The aforementioned child blinked. His stepfather's voice seemed different- deeper, rougher somehow.
"What I'm about to do – Just remember, it's all your fault. Plus, you owe me for all the things I've bought you. Just remember."
Yohji gave his stepfather a curious look. What was happening? What did he owe him? Yohji didn't have any money.
"Look at me, Yohji."
Yohji looked up, only to picked up and sat down on his stepfather's lap. He blinked as his stepfather leaned down and started to kiss him. It wasn't like the kisses his mother gave, which were sweet, these were possessive, and demanding. Yohji knew something was wrong when his stepfather started to undo Yohji's pants, and put his hands somewhere that his mother had told him that 'no one was to touch until he was older and more mature'.
Things – memories- get blurred from there. Yet the feelings remain. The young boy glanced back, and with a tear in his eye, walked back to his room in silence. He'd lost his remorse a while ago.
There's too much anger inside me
there's too much scarring when I bleed
there's too much therapy I need
there is no god I have seen[1]
Eleven years had passed since his mother's death. Yohji (Age 17) lounged back in his bed, having just finished his homework. The peace he had momentarily was going to be enjoyed, seeing as his stepfather returned home everyday at 5pm. The evening routine went as such – 5pm: Come home, drag Yohji off to bed, be gentle, go change. 6pm: Dinner (prepared by Yohji) 7pm: Roughly take Yohji, shower, finish work. And from then on, peace resumed in the Kudou household. Yohji would do the housework (if he could walk) and then would head off to bed. Sometimes, his stepfather would appear then too. He'd always be there. Yohji sometimes felt like he couldn't run, for there was nowhere to go.
But this day, he'd planned differently. He was going to run. Having just got his license, he could go steal a car, and get the hell away from that place. Never have to return. There would be nowhere to go, but he'd make a place for himself. The door creaked, and Yohji sighed. Another night of inhumane torture for him. Next time, he wouldn't be so lazy. Flee early, and live. Stay too long, and be forced to endure another day. The decision was easy, and yet so very hard.
Present- Another night, another girl. Another untraceable murder.
There's too much doubt in my mom's words
there's too much fear in the way she sees life
I wonder if I'm just like her
I wonder if I can make myself right
Yohji Kudou (Age 23) sat up and stared at the girl next to him. He didn't know her name, history, anything about her. And yet, he'd slept with her. He felt ashamed. He couldn't bring Asuka back, and none of these girls were her, nor could they take away the pain he'd faced at an early age.
You try to help
You listen well
It was not her fault, and yet, it was all her fault. Wrapping his hands around the sleeping girl's neck, he began to squeeze. Tighter and tighter, until he felt the girl go limp in his arms.
Snapping back to reality, Yohji stared at the body, but he couldn't even cry this time. All his feelings were fake, just an act. No one knew where Yohji Kudou ended, and Balinese began.
You cannot change the way I see
A/N- Well, there we go. Please review if you enjoyed it, or have ways to help me with it. Thanks!
[1] – Double meaning in the lyrics for this story. In some fanfictions I've read, Yohji jokes around about all the girls he brings home (or the yaoi-boy he's paired with. ) 'seeing God when they're with him'. Since the lyrics say 'there is no God I have seen', means that Yohji doesn't get any pleasure from what he was going through.