Spoilers for Episode: Heroes pt 1 & 2
Note: I was trying so hard to find the perfect title... I was looking up song lyrics of my favorite artists to see if any fit to the story. Finally as I listened to the classic rock station Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon came on. Right away I saw how it related to Jack towards Sam. And so... the story is given a title. =)
This is my first Stargate fanfic, so I had it beta read 'cause I wanted to make sure it was the best it could be. Thanks to my beta Luanne!
Feedback: I would love feedback! Be gentle :) I could especially use some input on what you think of the POV scene. I don't do it that often, so I hope it turned out all right.
"I'm really glad you're okay." Samantha Carter mumbled in a fragile voice. She looked away momentarily while attempting to get her bearings back. She failed miserably as Jack slowly inched towards her.
Glancing at Sam's lips, he was tempted to kiss her. Instead, he closed his eyes silently wishing things could be different as he embraced Sam in his arms. He bitterly reminded himself of their ranks and those damn regulations. Jack's heart, wrenched inwardly as she sobbed and poured her aching heart out for him to mend.
"I almost lost you." Major Carter whispered brokenly. He whispered soothing words to relax her, told her he was fine, but it just seemed to make her cry harder. The reminder of Jack being so close to death; that she almost lost him, caused her to shake more. He rubbed Sam's back and gave a brief, yet gentle kiss on the crook of her neck. Even such a tiny token of affection from him sent tingles down her spine. After a couple of minutes, when she was calmer they sat down with Jack's arm still wrapped around her, while she blew her nose with the hankerchief he handed her.
She sighed, "I just got back from Janet's house to tell Cassandra about... what happened." She sniffed.
"How's she holding up?"
"She's a strong kid, she survives... you know." She inhaled a deep and shaky breath. Jack glanced briefly at her quivering lips.
He lowered his head as he looked into her eyes with only concern and love. Gently, he asked, "Are you going to be okay with taking care of her by yourself?"
"She's all grown up now, she doesn't need another..." She choked a sob away. "...mother" Fresh tears trickled down her pale cheeks.
"Hey... It's okay." He rubbed her arm. "You aren't replacing Janet. I'm sure Cassie understands that."
"Right." Looking down, she flatly replied, "I couldn't replace her if I tried."
"Sam..." He spoke her first name in an attempt to reach her deep inside.
Hearing her name spoken softly from his lips, she looked into his eyes. "Are you going to be okay?" Jack asked slowly, sincerely. He thought about how bleak she was after Daniel died, and how cold he had been towards her. When all she had wished was to talk to him about it. She had needed his solace, and he let her down. No -- He couldn't do that this time.
"Honestly?" She sighed, "I don't know. Janet was so much more than a best friend to me. More like a sister... She's gone now. At least when Daniel died we knew for sure that he was all right and he eventually returned to us. I doubt there's even a chance of Janet ever coming back. And now, someone is going to take her place at the infirmary. Replacing her. I'm not sure I can accept that. Letting someone else do what she did so well."
"It'll take some time getting used to having a new doc around, I know, but we'll get through this together. You still have us. Remember that when you feel like you need someone to talk to."
"Jack?" She whispered quietly.
"Yeah..."
"Do you think it was my fault? Everything that happened..." Jack opened his mouth to say 'No', but she just continued right on, "I wanted to study that probe and it took me long too long to figure out the probe sent out a transmission. I could have warned SG-13 to get off the planet sooner. Everything went wrong. Janet could have lived to see another day, if I had worked a little faster!"
"No, Sam." His voice was firm. "Don't blame yourself about the attack. It's not your fault that she died. A Jaffa shot her, not you. She was just doing her job, like you were doing yours. Now, Sam..." He sighed, "Hammond's giving us some leave to grieve." He looked down for a second, "So didn't mean to rhyme."
Sam gave him a faint smile.
He continued, "I can't force you to, but I'm asking you to take advantage of his offer. You can take as much time as you need. If you want I can come over to help with Cassie." He squeezed her hand. "Haven't seen the kid in a while. Plus she's been taping Simpsons for me. Maybe I could finally get you to watch it. I know it's nothing like picking apart naquada reactors, but it'll give you a good laugh. Lord knows I could use a few."
She nodded with a small smile and responded, "I'd like that, Sir. I'll go check on Cassie. Right now Teal'c and Daniel are keeping her company for me. I suppose I'll come back later to work on what to say at the memorial." She ran a hand through her hair and sprung to her feet.
Jack followed suit and asked, "You okay to drive?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine, Sir. Thank you."
Carter thought about the memorial service the whole ride home. When she pulled into the driveway of Janets house and turned off the engine, Sam didn't get out of the car. Instead, she just sat there staring ahead of her, lost deep in thought about the events of the past few months. So much had happened; so fast. It felt like it had been ages since she last saw her father. She could really use some father-daughter bonding right about now. She sighed. God, what was she going to do about the living arrangements for Cassandra. As capable as the teenager was at taking care of herself, she would have to stay somewhere. There was no way Sam could afford to pay for two houses.
Pete and Sam had a great thing going, but all of a sudden all those old feelings for Jack were starting to resurface. Unsure if it was because of Jack almost dying or maybe a strain in her relationship with Pete, she shook her head. A dog's loud barking snapped Sam out of her reverie. With a tired sigh, she got out of the car and walked into the house. "Hey... Cassie? I'm back. " She dropped her bag on the floor and the keys on a nearby table. Making her way to the kitchen, she put the tea kettle on the stove and called out again. "Cass?"
"In here.." Cassie shouted back.
Sam came into the living room, glancing at all the pictures that were scattered about the coffee table and the open photo album. Then looked up at Cassandra's tear streaked face and misty eyes. "Hey, Sam." She muttered quietly and looked up. "Daniel and Teal'c were helping me sort out some of the pictures earlier."
Sam slipped off her shoes, sat down next to Cassandra, and picked up the first photo in front of her. One of Cassie blowing out the candles on a birthday cake, with Janet leaning down and smiling at Cassie's side; Sam on the other side of her. As soft smile played on Sam's face. "Your 13th Birthday."
"I remember how mom was making such a big thing out of it... The big 13. I love how she always cherished the little things in life."
"Yeah... She was really special like that, but there is definitely nothing she cherished more than you. If anyone ever laid a finger on you, she'd stick them with a thousand needles." Sam put her arm around Cassie when she laughed.
"Oh, yeah. Such a bad idea to mess with her if she had a needle in her hand." Cassandra put that photo aside to be framed. Then suddenly there was a knock at the door.
"Speaking of someone who's actually survived being prodded by Janet's needles... I bet that's the Colonel at the door. I'll go get it." She gave Cassie a pat on the knee and left the room.
When she opened the door and saw who was standing before her in a hat, loose fitted pants and a sweater, Sam's grin grew wider, "Couldn't stay away, Sir?"
"Well, Carter.... Normally on leave I'd go fishing, but I didn't think this was the time to be alone. Plus I made a promise to a lady." Colonel O'Neill gave her a half smile. "Thought we could all keep each other company." He really just wanted to make sure Sam actually got some rest, free of those doohickeys to experiment on, and he certainly didn't want to be alone at the moment.
"That'd be nice. Come on in, Sir." Once he was inside, the kettle started screaming. As Sam hurried towards the kitchen, she called back to Jack, "Cassie's in the living room..." She took the kettle off the stove and started to pour it in a mug. "You want something to drink? There isn't any beer."
Jack headed for the living room and yelled back, "Uh... coffee then, please."
Carter returned shortly with a mug of coffee for Jack and tea for herself. He thanked her with a smile, taking the mug from her. Then Sam sat down so that Cassandra was between her and O'Neill. "Cass, you want anything to drink?"
"No, thanks. I'm good."
Jack took a look at the photos and smiled softly. It felt good to see the doctor's sweet face again. "How you holding up, Cass? Stupid question I know..."
"I'm... coping, I guess. The pictures help a little. Makes me feel like she's closer to me even though she's not really here. It's comforting to see her smile."
He replied thoughtfully, "I know what you mean."
Sam picked up another picture and took note of how warm Janet's smile was. She looked at another picture of Janet and Cassandra playing around in the backyard with the hose. It was a sunny, summer afternoon when the team, Janet and Cassie were having a picnic at Jack's house. Janet had decided to get back at Cassie for putting ice down the back of her shirt. In the photo Janet had the hose spraying water at Cassie who was drenched and screaming from surprise. Sam chuckled, and took a sip of the tea.
Jack looked at Sam as if to say, 'What's so funny?' Carter just smiled and showed him the photograph. He and Cassandra laughed. "A great day..." Was all she needed to say.
Cassie smiled sadly, "I miss her so much. I want her back... I just wish there was something I could do!" She wiped her eyes of fresh tears.
Jack glanced sadly at Sam, who rubbed Cassie's arm. "We all do sweety. I'd do anything to have her here again. I wish there was some brilliant idea I could come up with that would bring her back."
"You hate it." Cassie said tenderly. She looked at a tearful Sam, "You can normally find a solution to anything like the guy on that show.... um MacGyver, but this time there's nothing you can do. Sam... do you feel guilty about mom dying? 'Cause you know it wasn't your fault, right?"
"I can't help it. I feel guilty. SG-13 stayed on that planet longer and got ambushed because I took too long to warn them. If no one was injured in the first place, Janet would still be alive." Sam replied, wiping her eyes.
Jack frowned, "Sam, we've been through this. You couldn't have known about the transmission any sooner unless you knew what to look for.."
He swallowed. 'I should have known better. Should have noticed the telltale signs of a damn trap. Its my fault for sure. I should've had someone backing Janet up besides Daniel. He was busy helping Janet with Wells; he couldn't lookout for the Jaffa. I should have had a guy standing by them, damnit!'
Sam saw the stiff look on his face. "Jack, don't."
"Right. I know, I know." He moved his hand over his head. Cassie frowned and leaned her head on his shoulder.
Cassandra sniffed, "Maybe we should do something to get our minds off reality for a while... like watch some television."
"Simpsons?" Jack smirked.
"Sounds good to me, Sir." 'Back with the Sir already? Just a second ago he was Jack to you.' She thought, while Jack thought something along those same lines.
Cassandra thought, 'One of these days... They're going to end up together. I'll make sure of it. She smiled.
The Colonel went over to the TV. "Cass, where are you keepin' the Simpsons tapes?" She pointed at the cabinet below the TV. Opening the cabinet, he read the different labels and mumbled, "Got quite a collection of tapes here. Are these just yours?"
Cassie smirked. "Should be on the bottom."
He dragged his finger towards the bottom of the pile untill he spotted the tapes. "Aah-hah. Gotcha." Once the first tape was playing, he returned to the couch where Cassandra had shifted over away from Sam to leave space for Jack in the middle. He eyed her curiously as he sat down. When he glanced at Sam, she seemed nonchalant as if it wasn't the least bit unusual.
Sometime during the fifth Simpsons episode, Cassandra had let out another laugh, putting her head on Jack's shoulder. He grinned at the gesture. He also noticed that Carter kept sending quick glances his way, and he wondered if maybe she was debating doing the same.
Sure he's her commanding officer, but how harmless is it for his major to lean on him when they're off base? After all, there aren't any officers from the base at the house. It was just Sam, Cassandra and him there sitting on a cozy, couch watching television like a little... family. It felt nice. Then he did something without even thinking -- he put his arm around her. Just kind of felt natural. Sam sighed contently and moments later, yawned.
Soon, she too was using Jack's shoulder as a pillow. She was a little unsure about doing it at first, but she was really sleepy and figured he wouldn't mind anyway. Jack's smile grew wider as she wiggled to get more comfortable.
It wasn't long before the tape ended that the girls were dead to the world on Jack's shoulders. He sighed, pressing the off button on the remote. Looking from Cassandra to Sam, he wondered how he could ever get up without disturbing them. They looked so peaceful and at ease. It would be a shame to wake them. He figured he could start with carefully moving Cassie off his shoulder since she was the smaller one. He nudged first Cassie, then Sam off to either side.
After getting to his feet, he stretched out and scooped Cassie into arms. She mumbled something incoherently in her sleep, making Jack grin. It reminded him of when Charlie and when he fell asleep in his lap late at night. He'd always have to carry him to bed. Then sometime later in the night Charlie would wind up in bed with him and Sarah.
When he reached Cassandra's bedroom, he pulled back the bed covers and put her under them. He gave her a small kiss on the forehead and whispered, "Sweet dreams."
Sam was sprawled out on the couch when he came back down. Jack carried her to Janet's bedroom and put her in the bed, hoping Cassandra wouldn't be upset about it. It must have been about 12 or so hours that the girl's mother had died, and now someone was sleeping her mom's bed? Granted it was just Sam, who was practically like Cassandra's second mother, but still. It was a little too soon to have someone else occupying Janet's bedroom. He didn't know what else to do though, since he was too tired to drive home. He could have slept on the couch, but he figured both Cassie and Sam would insist that he should have slept in a bed. There was only one spare bedroom, and it definitely would not be appropriate if he shared it with a fellow officer. Of course on off world missions they'd shared a tent on many occasions, but that somehow just felt different. Sharing a bed would be a lot more intimate.
Jack sighed and stared at her, tempted to give her a goodnight kiss. It took a great effort, but he resisted and brushed her forehead with the back of his hand instead. "One day when everything's not so complicated, Carter... We'll have our chance at happiness." With that he turned away reluctantly and walked to his room for a night of restless sleep.
The next morning, Jack was in the kitchen cooking scrambled eggs, bacon and french toast. Cassandra was the first to wake up. She sniffed the air and eagerly followed the delicous scent to the kitchen. Reaching the doorway, she asked, "What is that great smell?"
Jack smirked, "Only the best scrambled eggs and french toast in the galaxy. Made by yours truly. Plus what would a Saturday morning breakfast be without the delectable bacon." He licked his lips.
"Any woman who is lucky to find a man who cooks like you has to be the luckiest one on earth." Cassandra smiled and sat down at the table.
"Very true." Sam said, leaning on the wall.
"Mornin, Sam. Sleep well?" Jack asked while flipping a piece of toast.
"Fine, I guess..." Hidden behind that smile was the fact that her night had been filled with restless sleep due to the nightmares of their recent mission. She continued, "I was a little disoriented when I woke up. So, where'd you sleep? Hopefully not on the couch?" She made her way next to Cassie.
"I slept in the guest room."
"That smells good, sir." She glanced at what he was cooking. "Smells delicous. I haven't had a nice home cooked breakfast in a long time."
"In that case maybe we should make this a tradition. Every saturday morning, I'll cook you breakfast... when we aren't at the base of course." Jack smiled as flipped over the last piece of french toast.
Sam smiled greatfully, "Sounds like a good plan, sir."
"Sam..." He placed a plate full of food in front of Cassandra and Sam. "If you don't mind, I'd like you call me Jack off base." Cassie grinned. "It's not like Hammond has the place tapped."
"Right." She nodded. "Okay... Jack. Off base -- no formalities."
"Good." He smiled. "Now, eat up." He glanced at Cassanrda who was grinning like a baby. "What's got you so excited?"
She just shook her head, "Nothing at all. I'm just glad to be here... with my favorite colonel and my favorite aunt."
Sam put on a serious face. "Cassie, there's something very important we have to talk about later."
"What is it?" She responded, concerned.
"Where you are going to live." Jack frowned, knowing that this was a fragile subject. "You're not old enough to legally live on your own, and I don't know about Jack, but I can't afford to pay for two houses. You don't have to decide right away what you want to do. No pressure. Just know, I'd take you in a heartbeat. As I'm sure, Jack or Daniel would, too. We can talk about it later if you want to."
"Okay." Cassie nodded. "I understand. Are you okay with having a dog in the house?"
"Dog?"
Jack looked at Sam, "Yeah, remember when she was little I got her a dog. Ya know... the whole 'every kid's gotta have a dog' thing?"
"Oh, yeah. That." She smiled. "The dog'll be fine at my place."
Cassandra smiled, "Good... then their isn't much to talk about. I know where I'm staying, but I just want to stick around here for a while. Need to let everything sink in."
"Take your time." Sam said softly, squeezing the girl's hand. "There's no rush."
The following weekend, Jack was at Sam's house, where Cassandra now resided. He cooked breakfast for them that morning just as promised. "I have an offer for you guys." He spoke, coming into the living room. Sam looked up from her book, on the couch and Cassandra muted the television. "I've already asked Daniel and Teal'c and they said yes. I thought it might be a good idea if we go to my cabin. Now, Sam I know fishing seems boring to you, but you can bring your books. It'll be relaxing to get away for a while."
Get away for a while. Normally she would object to his fishing trip offers, but this time it really sounded like a good idea. To get away from it all. A quiet secluded area with just her, Cassanrda and the rest of SG-1. Carter smiled and sincerely replied, "That actually sounds like a good idea, sir -- Jack. If Cassie wants to, we'll go."
Cassandra smiled, "I'm all for it. Maybe Teal'c can teach me to Kel'no'reem. I know he doesn't need to do that anymore, but I doubt he'd forget how."
"He taught me when I was stuck in his body." Jack squinted his eyes and thoughtfully replied, "Very relaxing."
Sam grinned and went back to burrying her head in the book.
--Cassanrda--
When we got to the cabin, the first thing I saw was the fireplace with a big landscape painting above it. By the fireplace was a small couch with really pretty pillows. Wow, I never thought a guy could have such good taste! To the right there was the kitchen area with a wooden table and a small fridge which I naturally would assume was loaded with beer and hot dogs. The place looked pretty cozy.
Then there was the sleeping arrangements. There were only two bedrooms, and Jack and Daniel were arguing over who should share rooms. Sam looked rather uncomfortable watching them argue. She looked so helpless when she glanced at Teal'c to 'do something'. Just as he was about to say something, I intervened. I suggested we draw straws, short straw would share Jack's king sized bed with him. That'd leave the other two to share the other room and I'll sleep on the floor of Jack's room. I guess I'd feel more at ease with Jack nearby. I couldn't help laughing at who drew the short straw. None other than Sam. She acted like it wass no big deal, but I knew it was. Everyone had to know that those two had hidden feelings for each other.
--Jack--
Ah, pleasent ,sweet silence. Sitting around the fireplace just listening to the fire crackling. I don't know why, but that sound is very relaxing. The whole team plus Cassie having some bonding time. Yeah, it's not exactly as fun as playstation, but it is nice. I take a gander at my guests. Teal'c is the same as always with the serious expression. Most of the time he doesn't really show much emotion. Except in his eyes. You can read a lot from staring at them. He and Daniel are pensive. Frowning, I look at Cassie. On the outside, she appears to be handling her mom's death pretty well, considering the fact that it is not the first time she has lost a mother. But just by looking at those sad eyes and seeing that faraway gaze... it is obvious to me that she's hurting inside.
Sam looked like she was speculating something. I would say probably about some theory, but her eyes are misty, as if she was on the verge of crying. I can tell because every once in a while her lips quiver. I don't know why she is fighting it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes I worry about her. I think she feels like she has to be on top all the time. Show no weakness, be brave; strong as if she has to prove she's worthy of being here, fighting the good fight. Often I wonder, if maybe she forgets to be 'Sam the person'. Not just Sam the soldier or Sam the beautiful, smart and witty scientist. She spends so much time in her lab working on projects that I sometimes forget she has an occasional life beyond the SGC.
Looking back at the fire, I think of her relationship with Pete. I'd be lying if I said that I'm 100% okay with her moving on. I really am happy for her, though. Frankly, I think she'd be wasting her life, living on false hope that we'll be together one day because who knows when the hell that'll happen? Now she's moved on to Pete Shanahan. He looks like a good man. He seems to make her happy, and that's important. I don't want her to feel like she has to wait for me to retire someday or something. I sigh, thinking about what the future could bring to us. The possibility that maybe one day the threat of the Goa'uld will be over, I'll be retired; residing in this place and she'll be happily married to Pete in Denver. Away from me. Now, I think I'm starting to feel bitter at the thought.
I look back at her. She's just staring at the fringe on the blanket that is wrapped loosely around her. I sigh. I can't help noticing how beautiful she looks with the dim light on her saddened face. I frown. What I would give to hold her in my arms, just once, to be her shoulder to cry on. To be the one to make her happy. What the hell are you gonna do Jack, huh... retire? Can't now. Gao'uld ring a bell? Gotta get rid of all the damn snakeheads before I can set my sights on Sam. Patience. We'll have our day.
--Sam--
I don't have to look up to know that Jack is staring at me. I wonder if he notices my dismal eyes - my slumped posture. Thinking of Janet makes me want to cry so badly. I can't though. I shouldn't in front of Cassie. I should be strong right? I need to take care of her.
When I look at her face, all I see is a pensive girl trying to ignore the pain. I know inside she's battling her emotions, like me, I guess. Wanting; needing to breakdown and weep, dying for someone to hold her. Heh, that's kind of the way I feel right now. I can imagine what she must be going through.
I'll never forget the day I found out my mom died. I had just finished making cookies for her when dad came home one day with this distraught expression on his face. The second I saw, I knew. She was gone and my small world had suddenly collapsed in on me. Although Cassie has us, we'll be away so often that I worry how she'll deal with it all.
Sighing, I think back to the Colonel's eyes on me. I don't want to raise my head because I know one glance at Jack's pitying face will break this facade of armor. Then I think about the last nightmare I had, and I wonder if Jack is suffering from nights like mine. Horrible nightmares that just won't go away.
Next thing I know, I'm looking straight at Jack. His eyes aren't filled with pity, but concern and love. I can almost feel his gaze radiating heat on my flesh. I tug at my shirt to loosen it a bit. I open my mouth to speak, but it takes a moment to find my voice. I clear my throat. "I'm going to bed. Just a little tired, so I'll see you guys in the morning." I get up and give Cassie a kiss on the top of her head. "Night."
I look at Jack one last time, and the look in his eyes, besides the worry in them, seemed to be hinting that he will be joining me soon. I gave him a nice reassuring smile, that I'm fine, and walk briskly to the bedroom. Hopefully it will be a peaceful sleep.
--Jack--
The following night I woke up in the middle of a somewhat pleasant dream, hearing Sam shouting in her sleep. I opened and rubbed my eyes adjusting to the darkness. My first instinct was to grab my gun, which of course was stashed away at the SGC. A few seconds later I heard Sam frantically shouting, "Daniel! Janet, look out!" After shaking her gently, she shot straight up, screaming, "NO!" Right away I put a comforting hand on her shoulder and rubbed her back.
--Sam--
I felt something warm pulling me out. Next thing I knew I shot up, screaming. I looked around disoriented as I thought about the chilling nightmare. Within the prison of my nightmare, the events of what happened played over and over again. I was standing behind the ruthless Jaffa watching as he aimed his staff weapon. I opened my mouth to alert Daniel to the Jaffa's presence, but no matter how hard I tried nothing would came out. I attempted to run over to them. However my legs and bare feet were stationary on the bloody grass. Repeatedly, I just stood there crying my eyes out, and staring in horror as Janet's body was roughly tossed to the ground.
Now, as I realize my surroundings, I start to feel safe again. It helps to feel the warmth from Jack's hand. I must have looked like I am about to cry, 'cause once I looked into his eyes, almost begging to be held, he wraps his arms around me. Very softly he asks, "Wanna talk about it?"
I shake my head vehemently and quietly reply, "Not now. I just need to be held."
"If you need to talk... I'm here you know." I nod. That's all I need to hear. I don't remember letting go or when I fell back asleep. The last thing I remember though is thinking about that horrible dream, and concentrating on not falling asleep. I am afraid to go back there. All I want is to stay awake, feeling the warmth coming from Jack's arms.
TBC =)
I have some more written, but before I can send the next part out I need to fill some gaps.