Writer's block has struck again. Where can this story go from here? I feel so sorry for poor Taka, stranded in his misery due to a confused writer's inability to decide what she wants to do to him next (heh heh). What to do… What to do?! This fic has taken a sudden turn towards angst. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter. Big thanks go out to Momiji-chan Wa Baka for the great review! It totally made my day. It's more praise than I deserve but it still made my day. If anyone else reviewed, thanks. If not, then I guess I'll be depressed a while. (Puppy dog eyes) You wouldn't want me to be depressed now, would you? Don't answer that…
Chapter 8
Entering his home to find the blood spilling around him…. Father had been taken unaware but Chuwei had tried to protect them all…. Tiny bodies huddled in a corner - only one that spoke to him…. "Brother! Brother! Have you come back to stay? It said so in my dream last night. But no-body believed me. They'll all have to believe me now! Have you come back to stay forever?"…. The tiny hand falling limply in his grasp… YUIREN!
Taka shot up in bed gasping, trembling. The dream had been so real. His entire family had been decimated, wiped out. Kutou had sent a spy who had failed and died. He wasn't responsible and yet, he had been held responsible for retribution. Vengeance had been wreaked upon his family because of him, because of who he was. And nobody had helped – not the other villagers cowering in their huts, not the soldiers that Hotohori had promised would guard the village… nobody. They had died in pain and fear and he hadn't been there to protect them. It was all true – the book, the stories, the people – it was all true! And the worst part of it all was that he had no idea what he was supposed to do now. He couldn't change the past, no matter how much he wished he could. That incident had taken place a lifetime ago. But he didn't think he was ready to move forward either.
A small sound at his side alerted him to Miaka's presence in the same bed. He turned on to his side so that he could look down and see her face. She sighed again softly in her sleep, her expression still displaying her worry for him. In the past he had been unable to control his power after the killings because of the level of his rage. His anger against Suboshi of the Seiryu seishi had overpowered him. He had lashed out mindlessly. That day he would have killed without regrets, spilled blood until nothing was left of the boy. But then the cycle would have continued endlessly until none were left standing. In the midst of his horror and anger, he had lost his own identity. He had lost everything he stood for – his morals, his ethics, his awareness, everything. In the end, it had been Nuriko who had made him realize the truth…
I know who you are. You are Sou Keishku, Suzaku star warrior. And by doing this, by acting this way, you are blaming it all on Miaka…
He could still remember the tears in her eyes as she hunched against a tree. Unable to believe what was happening, her hand clenched tight against her mouth to hold the sobs in while her eyes watched him fearfully. She believed that he would blame her for their destruction. That he would turn away from her because the price of assisting the maiden of Suzaku was paid in deaths. She had probably believed that he would want to hurt her next. It was that thought more than anything else that had caused him to lose his rage. He would never hurt Miaka, not in this lifetime nor the next. He had been able to control himself then and see to the burial of his loved ones. And on their graves he had sworn to protect his remaining loved one with everything that was in him – to do them proud and to bear his family name with honour so that if they looked down on him from the heavens, they would be able to smile with pride. He touched Miaka's cheek softly now, trailing his finger towards her hair. Miaka's presence had calmed him then and it did so now. She had worried for him, cried for him until tears were all he could remember of that time. The world in the book had taken so much from her -
He frowned, thinking of the book. After reading about the deaths of his family members, he had been unable to continue. He had lashed out at the book with all his pain and regret. With each thrust, a piercing pain had cut through his body, almost as though it was he, himself, who was under attack. And he had borne it all as punishment until the grief had condensed to a point beyond pain. He had tossed the book away then, unharmed. And had knelt in the attic, unable to move or breathe as memories of his previous family had played through his mind – Father trying to be strong despite his illness then being healed by Mitsukake, Chuwei trying to be the head of the family and rationing out the money for the food, Gyokuran running towards him with fish from the stream, Yuiren making Miaka the beaded necklace… smiling up at him softly… tugging on his hand…
He sobbed softly in the bed, huddled towards the wall. The memories wouldn't stop. He saw himself buying gifts, working to provide for his family, trying to live up to his responsibilities as an older brother, as a Suzaku seishi. But none of it had counted in the end. He had failed them all when he was needed the most. Taka couldn't comprehend the fact that he hadn't felt the break, that abrupt cutting of a bond when they had breathed their last. Inspite of being miles away he could always sense Miaka's danger or danger to any of the other Suzaku seishi, and yet he had been unable to sense the fear and the need his family must have felt in their last moments. How could that have been? They were of his blood, part of his soul. Maybe if he had been a better brother, worked harder to be a better everything… he might have felt it. Why had he not felt it? He needed to find out more. He needed to keep reading the book. The book held all the answers for him now. Maybe the book would reveal this truth to him. Maybe the truth would bring him peace.
Taka pushed aside the blankets carefully, so that he wouldn't disturb Miaka and walked towards the door. He looked back to see her sleeping form on the bed and whispered "I know why I felt that wrenching feeling when I left you before, Miaka. It was because after I finish reading the book, I won't be the same man anymore. And I can't stop now that I've started. Will you still love me then? Will you accept the changes in me? Will I be able to accept the man that I am now after knowing more about the man I used to be?" Miaka sighed almost as if in response, her forehead furrowing as if in thought. Taka memorized her features one last time before walking out the door for the second time and taking the steps to the attic. He wouldn't be the same person when he returned and he accepted that possibility. The truth always carried a heavy price.
He was surprised to see Keisuke sitting on the attic steps looking at him. He had obviously been waiting for Taka to go back to the book. His eyes, so like Miaka's, were filled with sympathy and understanding. He stood up slowly. Taka braced himself for the questions – and for the pity. He didn't think he could hold up long under the pity. And yet all Keisuke did was walk towards him. He paused right next to Taka and laid his hand on Taka's shoulder. All he said was "Be glad for the time you had them. The pain after is just the price you pay for love." Taka gaped at Keisuke. How could he have known just what to say? Keisuke smiled sadly before saying "I saw the book Taka. I know the page you stopped on. I know… and I understand. There's no point in you beating yourself up any more. They're not going to come back. Just savor the memories. That's the best part of knowing them – you get to take back memories forever."
Taka choked a little. Keisuke gave him one last understanding look before walking back to Miaka's room. He opened the door softly and checked on her before walking back to his room. Looking back at Taka one last time he murmured, his voice just loud enough for Taka to hear, "Be careful when you look back Taka. You may not like what you find." He started to walk away before Taka's voice called him back. "Why didn't you tell me Yui was raped in the book? Why was it such a big secret?" Keisuke seemed to pause for a second, his eyes dark and shadowed before replying simply, "It wasn't my secret to tell. At first it was because we didn't want to hurt Yui. Bringing it all up again would have hurt her terribly. Besides, things aren't always as they seem. You need to read the whole book before you understand." Keisuke paused again for a moment before adding softly, almost painfully, "Don't judge her too harshly Taka. She wasn't herself in the book. Part of it was because of Nakago, no doubt there. But there were parts where I thought… it was because she needed to punish herself. She wanted to be loved and yet she felt like she didn't deserve it. She's come a long way from that."
Keisuke turned away abruptly but not before Taka caught a glimpse of deep pain in his shadowed eyes. Taka gaped as realisation finally dawned on him. Keisuke was in love with Yui! It all made sense now. His protecting her, his urging her to relax more… and his letting her go to someone he considered more worthy of her. It was no secret that Yui was the most comfortable around Tetsuya. He couldn't believe how blind he had been! He watched in dumb fascination as Keisuke walked to his own room. Once there he turned to give Taka a twisted smile and his last bit of advice – "Go read the rest of the book. Most of it will hurt but the end makes everything better. It's the end that matters… in everything. She's happy now and that's the end." Then he walked into his room leaving a shell shocked Taka in his wake.
Taka blinked a couple of times before turning to climb the stairs. Before he opened the attic door, he paused to wonder – Had Keisuke meant Miaka or Yui?