I'm sorry. That's all he has to say about it.
A week ago everything was simple. We were all outside late in the evening as the sun set and while James and Peter's backs were turned he kissed me. He lingered for a few minutes, realized what he had done with wide eyes and ran off without another word. He didn't speak to me for a week.
James and Peterrealized that we had a fight, but they couldn't understand how it could've happened in the two minutes they had their backs turned. Neither Remus nor I were willing to say what it was about.
I was honestly getting tired of him avoiding me so I followed him down to the lake's edge, where he was sitting on a large rock overlooking the placid water. It is late in the evening again, the conditions almost the same as they were just one week ago. The almost-set sun is to our backs, weakly casting our shadows onto the still water. The air around us smells crisp and clean with the hint of the coolness of night in it, a welcomed relief from the hot summer's heatof earlier.
I sat next to him and after a few moments he said it. I'm sorry. After all we have been through, after countless full moons, after seven years of friendship, after us not talking for three months when I betrayed his secret, after numerous pranks and forgotten homework assignments, after the most important years of our lives shared together and two days until our graduation, all he can say is 'I'm sorry.'
I don't say any of that. I take a deep breath, look out over the water and keep my voice calm.
"Why did you run off?"
He doesn't say anything. I don't know if it makes me more annoyed or concerned. I look over at him, but he's looking down at his hands. The orange sunlight is highlighting his silver and gold hair and the lack of it is casting shadows on his troubled face. The effect of the lighting makes him look older than he is, an effect that I honestly don't like on him.
"I was scared."
His voice sounds hesitant, but I know that he is telling the truth. It's a rare moment that he's scared of anything, and an even rarer one when he admits to it. He'd rather comfort you until your fears go away than admit his own, a quality that makes him one of the best people I know.
"Of what? That I'd yell at you?"
Again, he doesn't speak right away. Each answer from him seems to take an eternity for him to voice. His hair slips down and blocks his face from my view. I'm about to push it back up for him, but he does it himself. I'm not quite sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"That you'd push me away... call me a freak... I... I don't know."
His hair has fallen from behind his ear again, but this time he doesn't push it back up. His voice wavered in the middle of his sentence. I didn't like the tone of his voice, the sadness coming from him, the feelings of self-doubt that I knew he was feeling.
"Remus?"
He doesn't say anything this time; he just wraps his arms around himself tight. I'm not used to seeing him like his, so submissive, so unsure of himself. Even if he is feeling unsure, he'll always pretend not to be, just to assure someone else that there was no need to doubt.
I move down the rock, my shoes dipping into the lake, so that I can see his face. He lowers his head even more and I sigh. I push back the silky hair from his face to see the reason why he was hiding his beautiful eyes from me: each hazel eye has a trail of tears coming from it. He doesn't look up and I can tell that he's ashamed.
And we can't have that, now can we?
I wipe the tears off of his cheeks with my thumbs and move up closer to him.
"Remus... Remus, look at me."
I say it gently, hoping to cajole him into looking at me, giving me the opportunity to gaze into his wise eyes. He does, and I see the sorrow that fill his eyes. He should never look like this, so sad and ashamed. Young men like him deserve to be happy all the time; it's a shame for the rest of us to see them otherwise. He has such innocent beauty that he doesn't even know he has and that seems to make it all the more enticing and innocent. Such a face as his should never have to wear this look.
I give him a small smile and run my hands over his smooth cheeks. His cheeks burn red and he looks down again, fidgeting with his hands. I place mine over his, and he looks up at me again.
"Sirius..."
I silence him by placing a finger to his lips and making a low shushing sound. His eyes widen as I move closer and when I can feel his breath warming my lips his eyelids fall shut. I press my lips against his and let them stay longer this time, feeling the sweet softness of his lips below mine. We kiss longer this time, still awkward, but more intent on finding the right way to do it. He makes a low noise in his throat, almost a whimper and almost a growl. His fingers find the back of my neck, the others holding onto my arm, and slowly wind their way into my hair.
When we break apart our lips are still touching, just lightly, enough to know that it was on purpose and real. His breath is washing over my lips and tastes sweet when I breathe it in through my mouth. His hands are still where they were, and mine are around his waist, resting on his hipbones now. Slowly, his eyes open, revealing to me his sparkling hazel eyes. I don't know how long we stare at each other, but I get this overwhelming urge to touch his face. I move one of my hands up and brush the hair back from his forehead and tuck some it behind his ear.
"Why?"
He breathes the question onto my lips, almost as if he is afraid to ask it. The way he is looking at me confuses me. It's as if he has just met me, has known me forever, and has just found me after a long time.
My words falter, my voice fails. How could I ever put why I love him into words? A word has never passed man's lips that could describe what he does to me and why I love him.
"Because you're Remus and I love you."
His lips form a perfect smile and it seems that I have answered correctly.
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Note: Edited on 12/15/04 for grammar, spelling and punctuation. A few things may be different from the original version, but nothing drastic.
:-:silver-sunn101:-: