Finally, here it is...
The freak wasn't that scary; he was after all, chained up. There was also no doubt that fans of such epic anthems as "Ten green bottles" and "Kumbya- the German version!" may have even enjoyed it, but for the rest of us, it was terrible.
He was let out into the audience with some really tall people dressed in robes accompanying him. Mr Tall had told us to stay very quiet (unless, of course, he told us to sing along) but near the top of the Theatre, a woman stood up to give him a standing ovation. As she did so the folk singer ran towards and hacked at her arms with his banjo. Who would know the wood on a banjo could be so sharp? One thing was for sure: this would never be allowed through airport baggage checks.
The woman was screaming and other people were sick, but I just carried on looking, with the kind of sick enthusiasm only young boys can conjure up.
While the lady was still sprawling on the floor and the banjo man was being sedated, Mr Tall warned again of the risks of other people being sick on our shoes "Suede stains, people! If you are wearing suede shoes leave now!" It was proof of the interest in the show, or the lack of fans of suede, that no one left- even the lady who's arm had been hurt and now sewn back on in a way that does not matter to the plot a bit, and therefore will put down to magic, or a very talented quick job surgeon having popped by.
Next on was Alexander Ribs a contortionist who played tunes on his ribs. Un fortunately for us they were slightly worse remixes of all the songs the folk man had sung, but we looked on the bright side, this time, rotten fruit was provided (and used) and there was no chance of losing a limb.
In between, one of the tall caped figures sold souvenirs. The couldn't speak, it seemed "I'm sorry I can't read." Said Steve "Could you tell me the price?" I was surprised-Steve rarely told anyone he was illiterate, let alone random hooded strangers in abandoned theatres.
The next man was half man, half vacuum cleaner, and ate all the rotten fruit of the stage. Then Mr Tall came on and told us to be very quiet. The audience was tense as he announced another act "Mr Crepsley and his amazing performing hamster!"
Everyone gasped- (perhaps with relief that this act could not have a musical theme) or perhaps at the man's appearance. He had shockingly red hair and lots of scars and creepy eyes in short the only time he would win a beauty contest would be playing monopoly.
"Hello I am Mr Crepsley, I have a feeling some of you will be seeing a lot more of me." Then he winked at me. "And the first thing you should know about me" Mr Crepsley continued, is that people should not steal my hamsters, it is my pet hate. Pun intended."
"As many of you will know, Hamsters are poisonous." We nodded gravely. If someone claims to have a poisonous hamster you agree with everything they say. "Here I have the most poisonous hamster in the world. Please keep quiet; we won't want to provoke him. He can and he will hurt you, and I don't want anyone going home with sore fingers after he's had a bite to eat."
He opened the cage, and out popped an over worked and underpaid performing poisonous hamster. People gasped and reached for their mobile phones faster than you can say "cruelty to animals" but I was looking at Steve, who had turned the colour of pea soup, his eyes as wide as.... very wide things...
TO BE CONTINUED
Review, but no flames please, feel free to leave constructive criticism, though I have a fear of that too. BE HAPPY!
The freak wasn't that scary; he was after all, chained up. There was also no doubt that fans of such epic anthems as "Ten green bottles" and "Kumbya- the German version!" may have even enjoyed it, but for the rest of us, it was terrible.
He was let out into the audience with some really tall people dressed in robes accompanying him. Mr Tall had told us to stay very quiet (unless, of course, he told us to sing along) but near the top of the Theatre, a woman stood up to give him a standing ovation. As she did so the folk singer ran towards and hacked at her arms with his banjo. Who would know the wood on a banjo could be so sharp? One thing was for sure: this would never be allowed through airport baggage checks.
The woman was screaming and other people were sick, but I just carried on looking, with the kind of sick enthusiasm only young boys can conjure up.
While the lady was still sprawling on the floor and the banjo man was being sedated, Mr Tall warned again of the risks of other people being sick on our shoes "Suede stains, people! If you are wearing suede shoes leave now!" It was proof of the interest in the show, or the lack of fans of suede, that no one left- even the lady who's arm had been hurt and now sewn back on in a way that does not matter to the plot a bit, and therefore will put down to magic, or a very talented quick job surgeon having popped by.
Next on was Alexander Ribs a contortionist who played tunes on his ribs. Un fortunately for us they were slightly worse remixes of all the songs the folk man had sung, but we looked on the bright side, this time, rotten fruit was provided (and used) and there was no chance of losing a limb.
In between, one of the tall caped figures sold souvenirs. The couldn't speak, it seemed "I'm sorry I can't read." Said Steve "Could you tell me the price?" I was surprised-Steve rarely told anyone he was illiterate, let alone random hooded strangers in abandoned theatres.
The next man was half man, half vacuum cleaner, and ate all the rotten fruit of the stage. Then Mr Tall came on and told us to be very quiet. The audience was tense as he announced another act "Mr Crepsley and his amazing performing hamster!"
Everyone gasped- (perhaps with relief that this act could not have a musical theme) or perhaps at the man's appearance. He had shockingly red hair and lots of scars and creepy eyes in short the only time he would win a beauty contest would be playing monopoly.
"Hello I am Mr Crepsley, I have a feeling some of you will be seeing a lot more of me." Then he winked at me. "And the first thing you should know about me" Mr Crepsley continued, is that people should not steal my hamsters, it is my pet hate. Pun intended."
"As many of you will know, Hamsters are poisonous." We nodded gravely. If someone claims to have a poisonous hamster you agree with everything they say. "Here I have the most poisonous hamster in the world. Please keep quiet; we won't want to provoke him. He can and he will hurt you, and I don't want anyone going home with sore fingers after he's had a bite to eat."
He opened the cage, and out popped an over worked and underpaid performing poisonous hamster. People gasped and reached for their mobile phones faster than you can say "cruelty to animals" but I was looking at Steve, who had turned the colour of pea soup, his eyes as wide as.... very wide things...
TO BE CONTINUED
Review, but no flames please, feel free to leave constructive criticism, though I have a fear of that too. BE HAPPY!