Chapter 26-

Through the Pale Door

"I look to the sea

Reflections in the waves spark my memory

Some happy, some sad

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had."

~Come Sail Away, Styx

"We should be heading out."

"You guys go ahead." The voice was Aeris'. Reno wasn't even fully awake and he recognized it. "We'll catch up."

"I don't like leaving you behind." The other voice –was it Cloud's? –sounded hesitant. "We should all stay together."

Reno stifled a groan and tried his best to stay asleep, but Cloud's deep voice was annoying, forcing him awake. In stark contrast, Aeris' was soothing, calming. Although she didn't sound so calm now.

"Don't you wake him, Cloud!" There was a rustle from somewhere outside the tent, as though someone was trying to open the flap. "I mean it! Let him sleep!"

The rustles stopped. Reno sighed and tried to slip back into blissful oblivion. Then Cloud spoke again.

"Aeris," he said slowly, "Rude told me what happened. Do you understand any of it?"

He heard her sigh wearily. "I'm sorry, Cloud. This…this really isn't anything I've ever dealt with before. I know some things, but it's all instincts, emotions. And lately it's all getting harder to understand."

Of course, Reno thought hazily. She's only half-Cetra, and therefore half-human, Cloud, you dolt.

"Tell me what you know," the mercenary persisted.

"Okay." Aeris paused to gather her thoughts, then said, "You remember how I told you the Sresla affects different people in different ways?"

That woke him up. The remembrance of that thing on his hand was enough to send him bolting upright. He held it up in front of his face, half-hoping it might have somehow disappeared. Of course it was still there, still blood-red. He knew; he had blood to compare it to. Deep scratches marred the back of his hand, as though he'd tried to claw the insignia off. He didn't remember doing that.

Outside the tent, Aeris continued. "Reno's different because of his strong spirit. He can fight it with all the weapons he possesses, and keep it at bay. But there is one place where he's defenseless.

"His dreams," Cloud murmured.

"Exactly. Memories, feelings he's blocked out come to surface in his sleep, when he's weakest. His spirit is struggling against Jenova, and if he breaks for even a moment, he could be overpowered. That is why it's difficult, even dangerous, to wake him."

Memories…Reno clenched his jaw. Memories of things he'd done as a Turk, memories of things he'd thought he'd forgotten. How could he have forgotten all that blood…?

And things he hadn't done. Or things he hadn't known he'd done. Or…things he would do in the future. At any rate, they were all things he was capable of doing, and that alone was enough to make him sick.

"'Dangerous'?" Cloud repeated. "Is that why you won't let me in there?"

Aeris hesitated. "…No. He's fine now. I just think he needs rest."

Fine? He was not fine! He would never be fine.

"It's you, isn't it, Aeris?" Cloud said. "Rude mentioned only you could wake him."

"I don't know." She sounded helpless. "But…I think I can keep the nightmares away."

She could, couldn't she. He had never thought of that. He wondered why, then shrugged. It didn't matter. He still decided not to sleep again for….for as long as it took.

He threw on a shirt and climbed out of the tent. Cloud and Aeris were barely two feet away, staring at him as though he had no right to be awake. Reno pasted on a grin, though he was sure Aeris, at least, would see right through it.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" The sky was grey and overcast, but realizing he would die soon gave him new appreciation for the world. "You go ahead and take down the tent, Cloud. Aeris, let's walk."

Looking partly astonished, but resigned, Cloud shrugged and set to his task. Aeris followed Reno down the mountain path. The others, busy packing up, would look up as he passed, then quickly look away. Reno resisted the urge to inform them that it wasn't contagious, because he didn't know that for sure.

"Where are we going?" Aeris asked, keeping pace with him.

"Not far. I need to ask you something."

Aeris stopped. "Well, ask."

Reno glanced behind them. They were far enough away. No one could hear them. "Look, Aeris, I need a favor in case…in case I don't make it."

"You'll make it," she said firmly. "Don't say anything like that, ever. You'll make it."

He shook his head. "Just in case. Please, Aeris? I can't ask anyone else."

"What kind of favor?" She sounded apprehensive.

He looked at the ground, suddenly at a loss for words. He hadn't expected this to be easy, but it was still more difficult than he'd imagined. "…I don't have much to worry about, after I'm gone. I mean, other than the fate of the world. I don't have any important possessions, besides a few weapons. I don't have a home. So all I really need to worry about are people."

Aeris' breath caught in her throat. He was so…so resigned to his fate, as though he had already given up. There had been a time when she, too, had given up her life for something…someone…else. But hers had been a sacrifice. Reno wasn't sacrificing himself; he did not choose to die. Or did he? Suddenly she wondered.

"Rude and Elena should be all right," he continued, still not looking at her. "Especially if you guys take care of them. Will you do that? They're…they're my best friends, you see."

She could not speak, so she nodded. She nodded, although inside she was screaming, What about me? Who will take care of me when you're gone? She had never thought she would need someone to look after her, but she had a sudden vision of herself, alone, when Reno had left her. She couldn't even begin to imagine how she would survive.

She wanted very badly to tell him all of that, to throw herself into his arms and scream that she could not live without him. But he looked so…so lost, so burdened. Reno, burdened? He had always been such a carefree soul. But they had all changed. Aeris composed herself, unwilling to burden Reno with her own feelings. Reno had enough to deal with.

Then he looked up into her face, and Aeris had to bite her lip to keep from crying. His eyes, his beautiful aquamarine eyes, were filled with a sadness and regret too deep for words.

"Know what I'm afraid of?" he whispered. "It's not death. It's not whatever happens to the world –I don't even give a shit about the world anymore! I'm afraid that I'll die, and everyone will be unhappy for a while. Then they'll recover, and pretty soon they'll forget I ever existed. I don't want to be forgotten, Aeris."

She shook her head. "Don't. We'll never-"

"Do you remember Heantha?" he countered, not even letting her finish.

Again, Aeris nodded slowly. Heantha had been his late wife.

"I don't." He swallowed, visibly trying to stay calm. "Or, I barely do. I don't think about her at all anymore. Because there are other things to worry about, other people to-"

"But you've made your peace with her," she interrupted. "We all have a purpose for living, she served hers. Her death had no bitterness."

"Maybe not for her!" Reno snapped. Abruptly he was angry. "All I know is, I was pretty bitter when she died! In case you don't remember, that is the only period of my life I don't talk about. I did some things I'd rather forget. And I do forget some of them. Just like I forgot her!" He spat the last word like a curse. Aeris backed away, but he advanced on her, holding up his left hand with the Sresla.

"This is a reminder of everything I've forgotten! Yes, Aeris. Being with you made me forget some things, like spending every night alone, drinking until I passed out. You made me forget the pointless bloodshed, the inexhaustible search to find those that killed her. You made me forget waking up every day with a stronger desire to destroy every single living thing on the Planet- especially myself!" His face was contorted with anger and pain. "Isn't it amazing the things we forget, Aeris?" This last was bitter, sarcastic- all of his raw hatred and grief delivered as a lashing blow.

Silence. Reno slowly dropped his arm, realizing how angry he'd been. At her? No, never. At himself.

She looked back at him, and there was something like fear in her eyes. Fear of him, or fear for him?

"Say what you will, Reno," she said with quiet dignity, "but I could never forget you." Then she added softly, "I know it's hard, but you must try to trust me."

He blinked, caught off guard. What an odd thing for her to say.

Cloud suddenly appeared at the top of the rise and jogged toward them. "You two ready to leave?" he said with false cheerfulness.

"Yes," Aeris answered, shooting Reno a sympathetic look. Cloud nodded, patted her on the shoulder, and led the way back.

As they followed their leader, Reno tried to imagine Aeris grieving for a time, then finding solace in someone else. Cloud, perhaps- they'd had something going on before Reno's arrival. He tried to imagine Aeris kissing Cloud on their wedding day, their love sealed and complete.

Perhaps it was not surprising he then entertained the idea of punching Strife in the mouth.

* * * * * *

The reactor was just as she remembered it- huge and imposing, making her feel small, trifling. She wanted to turn around and run back the way she had come. But it had to end. She had to make it end.

"No," Sufur said, as though reading her thoughts. "It will not end here, Tifa."

She missed a step. "Then why-?"

Sufur merely shrugged.

"You'll see," was all he said.

He started up the ramp to the entrance, walking with purpose, confidence. As he started to push open the heavy doors he realized she hadn't moved. "Tifa?"

Still standing at the bottom of the ramp, Tifa had her arms folded, her dark eyes glaring at him with hatred. He sighed, knowing another tirade was about to come on.

"I," she said in a low voice, "am sick and tired of you dragging me around on a leash, promising me a treat for my good behavior, hurting everyone I love. I don't care what your reasons are!" she snarled as he started to speak. "Your reasons are selfish, however you twist the words around."

"What is your point?" he said patiently. More patiently than he felt; everything was beginning to come together, now, and she was wasting his time. The whiny little bitch wasn't even grateful he was letting her live.

"I refuse to go in there unless you tell me what is going on."

Sufur raised an eyebrow. She was the one making demands? Her nerve astounded him. Was she arrogant, or just naïve? Didn't she realize he could kill her without a moment's compunction…?

"If you were going to kill me," she pointed out, "you would have already. So don't think to threaten me."

She was right, and that annoyed him. Flicking back the catch on his gun so she would know he might yet change his mind, he asked, "Do you remember when you met me? The Shinra building, when you were searching for clues about the Sresla?"

She was taken aback. "Yes," she replied after a moment. "What about it?"

Why hadn't he killed her yet? She was an annoyance, more trouble than she was worth, yet he dragged her along as some temporary hostage. Jenova's orders were unclear; at the moment the alien couldn't care less for Tifa Lockheart. Of course, she was amusing at times, and fair to look upon. And she might yet be useful. That Zack…with her, Zack could be easily manipulated. If, of course, the man still lived. Sufur shook his head and answered Tifa's question.

"The Shinra building operated on mako. When the reactors in Midgar were shut down" –his lip curled at this- "everything operating on mako stopped. Yet the Shinra building was still active, or parts of it were, at least. Did you ever wonder why?"

Tifa shrugged. "We figured there was a backup power source. It wasn't foremost in our minds, if I recall."

Sufur snorted. "You figured wrong. There's another reactor operating."

"What?!" Tifa started. "All of the reactors were shut down!" She looked suspicious. "It makes sense, though. How do you know this?"

Instead of answering, Sufur fixed his piercing blue eyes on her. "Do you ever wish you could go back to what was?"

Memories flooded Tifa's mind. Childhood days in Nibelheim, before Cloud had left. She could have been happy with him, she thought. But…that had all changed. Zack was part of that, but there was more to it. She had become someone else, someone stronger than the lovesick girl she'd been, stronger even than the grown woman who had struggled against Shinra. She had grown beyond Cloud and Nibelheim, much as it hurt her to admit it, and even though there were times when she yearned for lost innocence, the present called to her, needed her. She could not go to what was. She had to move forward and make the best of what is.

"Sometimes," she said quietly. "But there's no point in second-guessing what might have been. The future is all we have, and I intend to be a part of it."

"I agree." He wasn't looking at her anymore, but somewhere else, perhaps within himself. His free hand was clenched. "If we persevere, there is a place waiting for us. I believe in doing what I must, to make my way to that place. Even if it means destroying you, and your friends as well. You understand?"

She would have called him mad before, but this…she had never seen a person so coldly determined to take what he believed was his, no matter how many others he must crush in the process. His selfishness sickened her. "No!" she muttered angrily, turning away. "I don't understand, and I hope I never do!"
To her fury, she heard him give a low chuckle. "You will, yet. But first, the reactor. Follow me." He led the way inside, not looking back.

Her eyes narrowed. "Before you die, you will see the price of your selfishness," she vowed. "I will see to that." Dark hair whipping behind her, she stalked after him.

The reactor's interior was also unchanged. A metal chain led down to the lower floor, but first she had to cross a narrow gangplank about three feet across. Tifa didn't know why Shinra had made this reactor so hazardous to get into. She had fallen, the first time she had been in here. The sight of her father, lying in a pool of blood almost directly below her, had been more than enough to make her lose her balance. Her eyes wanted to stray to that spot by the doorway, but she forced them to watch her own feet. While she had survived that twenty-foot drop when she was fifteen, she wasn't interested in risking it again.

She reached the chain and grabbed it with both hands, giving an experimental yank. It held, as she'd known it would. She glanced down and saw Sufur waiting impatiently, though he looked around as though apprehensive as well.

She had no way of knowing Sufur had no real idea what to expect, now that he was here. Jenova had told him nothing more than to come, with the girl or not. Just to make sure AVALANCHE followed.

And they would. Of that he had no doubt.

Tifa slid down the chain. Her face was white, her jaw clenched. "Let's get going," she whispered tersely. Sufur took a moment to observe her obvious discomfiture, and to debate the reason for it. Obviously something terrible had happened to her or someone she loved here.

"Why are you staring at me?" she snapped.

"To see if you are capable of proceeding," he said coldly. "I won't have you fainting now. Perhaps you should go outside for a breath of fresh air."

She raised a fist, and for a moment he was sure she was going to strike him, but after a moment she lowered it and spoke in a quiet tone. "I'm fine."

"Good." He started for the doorway to the next room. Tifa followed more slowly. Glancing back, he was surprised to see her eyes were tightly closed, maybe to prevent herself from seeing something she didn't wish to. She kept them closed until they passed through the doorway. He wondered, but did not ask; he had more important things to deal with.

They were in a slightly larger room than the one they had left, although dozens of large pods took up enough space to make it seem smaller. The pods contained vicious monsters- humans, actually, mutated and distorted by mako- that had in fact been more of Professor Hojo's twisted experiments. (Hojo was lucky he was already dead. That was the way Sufur felt, anyway.) The monsters would attack any trespassers and feed on their flesh if they could, but each was suspended in mako and, while not dead, in such deep sleep they may as well be. Even so, Sufur imagined he could hear them breathing. He shuddered and looked around for Tifa.

She was staring at a spot in front of the pods, near the base of the room's one staircase, rubbing her arms. He followed her gaze and saw, barely visible against the reddish floor, a faded bloodstain. Judging by the size of it, somebody had to have been hurt badly, maybe killed, here. Sufur again wondered what she knew. Hojo had hid much. Too much.

"Tifa," he said cautiously, not wanting to startle her. She was too skittish as it was, and in her current state would probably bolt if she felt threatened, like a frightened rabbit. It seemed strange to think of Tifa Lockheart frightened, but there it was. "Tifa, listen to me."

Her head came up slowly, as though the bloodstain had her hypnotized. "What is it?" she said curtly, her sharp tone belaying the impression.

He gestured up the stairs, to the door marked J-E-N-O-V-A. "I'm going up there. You stay here." He half-expected her to argue, but she merely shrugged, as if it didn't matter.

Why was she so calm, yet so tense? But it didn't make any difference; if her memories and fear kept her quiet, so much the better. He fingered the pendant at his throat and started up the stairs. The shotgun on his side still had the safety off. He had left it that way on purpose, and not as a means of threatening Tifa- he had no intention of killing her anyhow. He reached the door and realized he'd have to let go of his gun to touch the door and hold the pendant at the same time. Grimacing, he set the weapon down and placed a hand on the door.

Down below, Tifa stared at the spot where she had nearly bled to death. Cloud had come- he and Zack had both come. Zack hadn't known her then, but she supposed the sight of a fifteen-year old girl sliced open had been enough to convince him Sephiroth had to be stopped. Ever the noble spirit, Zack had rushed into that upper room after the warrior…and almost immediately come flying back out. Back then, Sephiroth's strength and power had been more than any of them could handle. Zack, too, had nearly died that day.

Then Cloud came. He did not immediately rush after Sephiroth; first, he had moved Tifa to a safer spot as carefully as he could. It was a sweet gesture, if not very wise; moving her might well have killed her. She had thought she loved him, then.

But everything had changed. Perhaps the attentions of a certain caring SOLDIER had pushed her over the edge. Her bond with Cloud, already porous from years of suppressed sorrow, couldn't bear up to this last dent in its brittle armor, the promise of something more sweet, less shrouded in anguish, half-truths.

Zack. She hoped he was all right. She had done the best she could for him. Though she wished she could have stayed with him, Sufur's shotgun gave her no choice.

She had gone with Sufur, to see this through. And yet she couldn't shake a feeling of dread, as though something terrible was about to happen here, in this reactor. Again.

Stay away, Zack. You're already hurt. Please don't come after me anymore.

Yet he would. She knew, in her heart, that he would. And while it gladdened her heart to know he loved her, it also made her afraid for him. For all her friends, but especially for him.

But if she was so certain he was still coming, then he had to be all right. She clung to that--that precious sliver of hope piercing through the reactor's noxious fog.

The air was to be so thick she could hardly breathe. Why were they here? She wasn't half-Cetra, and couldn't sense the things Aeris could, but she could feel the evil in this reactor, pulsing like the steady heartbeat of a great beast. She wanted to be far, far away, but her legs didn't seem to work. She opened her mouth to speak, to tell Sufur they had to leave, but at that moment the ground seemed to tremble.

Up above, Sufur pitched to the side, but maintained contact with the door. "I have come as you commanded," he shouted. "Let me pass!"

Suddenly everything went pitch-black. The steadily humming lights on the ceiling had gone out. Sufur reached out, but the door was gone. Everything was gone.

All who would pass must first face the Trial…

"Tifa?" he whispered tremulously, needing to hear another voice besides that awful sound in his head. It reminded him of fingernails on slate.

All who would pass-

"Shut up!" he cried raggedly.

-must first face-

"Tifa!"

-their own fears…

The darkness parted for a moment, and he thought he could almost see a light…

And then he was falling into blackness. Desperately he lashed out, trying to clutch at something, anything, but there was nothing. No one.

~Author's Note~

Hey, it's Lila. Sorry about the wait, I've been swamped between school and work. Hopefully I'll have more out before Christmas. And I have not given up on Wasted. The next chapter's just going through….revamping. Major revamping. Should be up soon!

~Lila