Full Circle
"Nightmare is the word. In waking life only animate things slither and jerk for him this way. His unreal hacking dazes his brain; half-hypnotized, it plays tricks whose strangeness dawns on him slowly…" ~ John Updike, Rabbit Run
They had reached it, the summit of all their toil. Reno, with Aeris next to him, was staring up at the reactor, that massive construction of steel and secrets. He and all the others stood in front it, lost before its overpowering will. Reno realized then that they had all been fooled, it was the reactor that forced them to it, that they were all pawns and none of them were going to make it to the end of the game.
They were all gathered outside of it, looking lost. What was there to do now? Cloud broke the silence. "Well," he said, the words echoing in the rocky mountains around them. His voice sounded isolated and he broke off for a moment, unnerved. Then he cleared his throat and tried again.
"Let's go in."
Wearing a stiff, decisive visage, he started up the metal steps, which creaked under his weight. Cid took a moment to stamp out his cigarette and followed. One by one they started up the steps. Weapons were out.
Aeris was walking behind Reno; he didn't have to turn around to know she was there. She'd said little to him since that morning, but had never strayed far from his presence, like a pale, beautiful shadow. He knew she was worried, and it infuriated him. Not because he could blame her, but it angered him because she had cause to worry. And she suffered for it.
She needed to just stop. He would find a way to tactfully tell her he appreciated it, but she was better off focusing on other things. She was letting her feelings affect her too much; she looked wan, troubled. Weary.
As he was thinking about this, frowning, Aeris took his hand from behind. Her skin was clammy, but her touch gentle. "Are you afraid?" she whispered, pressing his palm.
He glanced back; she was alone. The others were already inside. "No." Right after he'd said it, he was shocked to realize he was, even though he had no idea why. He tried to cover it. "Are you?"
They were standing outside of the door now. Cloud peered out at them, waiting, but he didn't look impatient.
She paused beside Reno and swept her gaze over the Nibelheim landscape, taking in the jagged grey mountains, the rocky path, the low sky overcast with threatening clouds. It was not a comforting sight. She swallowed and whispered, "No."
On impulse Reno released her hand and grasped her chin, forcing her to turn away from the landscape and look at him. Her eyes caught his, and for a fleeting instant he wished…but no. No, it could never be,
He allowed himself to stroke the side of her face for a moment, thinking of that night. Then he let his hand drop. "You're a rotten liar."
She smiled slowly, the sun breaking through the clouds. "You're no better." Turning away from him, she stepped into the reactor. Reno followed, a little puzzled by her change in behavior.
No, I'm not afraid. But she was. Of what?
The reactor was dark. That was the first thing he noticed. Elena had a small ball of fire between her hands, its magical light casting a few of the shadows aside. It was useful to see, but it seemed to pull the darkness more closely around them.
"I've been here before," Yuffie said loudly, her voice sounding unusually high. "But I don't remember it being this freaky."
Marlene let out a high-pitched squeak and buried her face in Barret's shoulder. At this, Cid found an excuse to let his tension get the better of them. He turned quickly to Shera.
"Shera!" he muttered in a low tone. "I've changed my mind. Get out of here. I don't want you to come. Take Marlene and go."
Shera hesitated. "But I can't just leave you!" she insisted with frustration. "Besides, where would we go?"
"I don't care!" Cid snapped. "I was stupid. Neither of you should have come. Just go back!"
His voice cracked like a whip in the darkness, but it was out of desperation, not anger. Elena's fire wavered and she fought hard to keep it from blowing out altogether.
Shera looked angry, but the jab about Marlene's safety had her caught. Grabbing Marlene by the hand, she stepped past Aeris to the door. She pushed on it with her free hand, but it didn't move.
"The door's closed," she said in a tremulous voice. "When did it close?"
Cid marched over and pushed on it with his hands, but it stuck close. He swore loudly, but anyone who looked closely could see his fingers holding the cigarette was shaking.
Close spoke. "None of us are going anywhere. We're close now. Come on." He led the way across the gangplank and, one by one, they climbed down the chain in utter silence.
Reno couldn't shake the feeling that they were walking into a trap. They were, of course; they had to. But Reno had the uneasy suspicion that something totally unexpected was coming.
"We need to be prepared for illusions," he said, jumping off the chain. "Jenova might try to strike with those." He reached up and helped Aeris down.
Cloud nodded. "Yeah, you're right." Without another word, he crossed into the next room. They followed.
This room was warmer than the others, noticeably so. A stairway in the center led up to the second level, where a door marked J-E-N-O-V-A presided. Surrounding the staircase were rows of large, egg-shaped pods.
The flickering light from Elena's hands illuminated Cloud's wan and weary face. He swallowed, wiped a hand over his brow, and said, "Through the door. It has to be. Come on."
One at a time, they stepped up the stairs. Elena was trembling, afraid. She wanted to speak to Rude or Reno, but she could not shake the vision of them turning on her. He had promised he would die first, but here, anything seemed possible. She glanced around at the others and saw Cid put an arm around Shera. A wave of envy flashed through her, and she suddenly wished she was a normal woman who could be comforted once in a while. But she had given that up a long time ago, when she had become a Turk.
Cloud was nearly halfway up the steps when Vincent spoke.
"Stop. Something's wrong."
Cloud whipped around to look at him. Vincent was standing directly behind him, Death Penalty in hand, glancing about as though he sensed something.
"I agree," Elena said from a few feet back. "This was a mistake."
For an instant they all froze, trying to regain their bearings, when Yuffie suddenly shrieked.
"Look at the pods!"
All around them, the egg-shaped pods cracked and split apart as though something inside was struggling to get out. At length one, then another opened, and like a wave hundreds of pods opened to reveal an army of…
"Monsters!" Cloud shouted. His mind flashed back to that day with Sephiroth and he was suddenly confused…monsters, but they were once humans…Oh God, what was he doing? They were just like him: They looked like monsters, but were human…while he looked human, but in reality he was…
"Look out!" Barret roared, hurling himself up the stairs as he emptied rounds into the creature attacking Cloud.
The blond man made no move to resist; he had no wish to attack what he might have been. Cloud put his head in his hands. "No!" he cried wildly. "I don't want to be-!"
Barret glanced down at him and shook his head impatiently. "Vincent, you back me!" he shouted. "We gotta cover him."
Down below, Reno ordered Aeris out of the way and threw himself into the midst of the fighting, Rude and Elena at his side. The three formed a tight triangle at the base of the stairs, blocking the bottom level from attack while Barret and Vincent fired from above.
Watching helplessly, Aeris quickly realized the creatures were extraordinarily intelligent. They saw that there was no getting around the tight ring of Turks and were trying to get below in order to attack more vulnerable prey. Reno, Rude and Elena were trying, but there were too many monsters to content with. One slender beast simply clambered on top of a shattered pod and vaulted over the Turks, landing behind Aeris and facing Shera, who was close to the room's only exit- and even that would lead to a dead end.
Aeris closed her eyes and summoned Ultima, but the spell had no effect. That could only mean the creatures were magic-resistant, which meant…
"They're mako-tolerant!" she cried to anyone who could hear. "It's Hojo's work!"
Up above, she heard Cloud give a strangled cry. Aeris hesitated, looking at the monster she would be unable to kill by herself. Fortunately, Nanaki raced by and leapt on the creature's back, digging in with his claws and teeth.
"I've got this," he growled. "Go!"
She turned and sprinted up the stairs, nearly running headlong into the Venus Gospel, whose owner was racing to protect Shera. Aeris stumbled to the side, where a creature grasped at her with webbed hands. It was horrifyingly close, with green tentacles scales amid patches of raw pink flesh; fangs glinting in a face that was grotesquely…
Screaming, she slammed on it hard with her metal rod, but it held fast to her legs. Then Reno was there. Without pausing for a millisecond, he placed his gun to the side of its head and pulled the trigger. The creature collapsed in a bleeding mass at her side. Reno grabbed her arm and hauled her up.
"What are you doing?" he shouted. "I told you to stay down below!"
She pulled away. "Cloud. I have to get to him!"
An odd look passed across Reno's face as he released her. "He's…having some kind of fit. He-" The Turk stopped as the creature he'd just killed rose up, inexplicably healed. Reno put a new cartridge in the handgun and shoved Aeris behind as he began firing. When the monster fell once more Aeris pulled him around to face her. Her green eyes were resolute.
"I'm going up," she said coldly.
Reno swore, blasting at the monster that was just beginning to rise up again. "Fine," he rasped. "Go, and I'll cover you."
Aeris moved quickly, scrambling up the stairs on her hands and knees. Cloud, who had ceased screaming, was leaning against the doorframe of the door marked J-E-N-O-V-A, huddling with his arms around his legs. His blue eyes were terrified. Barret and Vincent were on opposite sides of him, picking off the creatures before they got too close.
Staying low to avoid the gunfire, Aeris crawled over to him. It disturbed her to see him like this; Cloud, always the epitome of bravado, was cowering in the corner like a child. She made her way close and touched his arm.
"Cloud." She spoke tersely. "What is it?"
His blue eyes strayed to her face. "What-what am I, Aeris?" he whimpered brokenly. "Why am I still here?"
She grasped him by the shoulders, wishing to say something encouraging, perhaps "be strong" would do. Instead, something completely unexpected burst out.
"Pull yourself together, Cloud. Get up now!"
He stiffened, pulling away. "You…too?" he whispered blankly.
Aeris grit her teeth. All around her, her friends were fighting for their lives. Before her eyes, the man she had once loved was afraid to face what he was. "Cloud! I'm not going to save you this time. This is something you need to handle by yourself."
Cloud's breath quickened. He stared at her as though he'd never seen her before. He swallowed. "Aeris, I-" Then he changed his mind and blurted out something else, an excuse. "Do you remember what they are? Do you remember the Cetra in the cages?" He put his face close to hers. "Sentient life, Aeris?"
She drew back in horror. Of course. All around them, Hojo's failed experiments battled with others who'd been controlled, manipulated, changed from their true form…
"Do you see, Aeris?" Cloud cried wildly. "I'm no better than them!"
Aeris tried to ignore him, tried to think. The Cetra in their cages had wanted to die. And these creatures were attacking her friends. She found her voice and addressed Cloud without looking at him.
"I can't judge you. I can't judge anyone," she whispered softly. "Cloud…it's really up to you. Do what you think is right, okay?" She started to get up, but Cloud grasped her arm.
"Where are you going?" He sounded frantic.
Aeris looked around for Reno and saw him fighting his way up the stairs. He and Elena were guarding Rude, who looked wounded. "I'm going to help the others." She jumped up and hurried down the stairs. Cloud looked after her with something like shock.
When Aeris reached the point on the stairs where the three Turks were, she ducked down ad knelt beside Rude, who was sporting four long gashes on his left arm. Greenish coloring marred the edges of ripped flesh. Rude's face was pale.
"Poisonous," he gasped while Aeris looked at the wounds. "Can't move…"
Aeris glanced up and saw Elena looking at her. "We have to get him out of here!" the blond Turk growled, fumbling to reload her gun. "But as soon as I take my eyes off these things-!" Even as she spoke, a webbed hand lashed out at her face. Elena backed up and fired rapidly.
Aeris nodded. "At the top of the stairs!" she yelled above the din. "It's clear there." She put her hands on Rude's shoulders and helped him to stand. Rude gasped with pain and nearly fell on her, but Aeris managed to brace herself enough to set them both upright. On her other side, she saw Reno watching them with apprehension.
"I've got him," she said quickly. "Clear the way."
Reno nodded and began backing his way up the stairs, blowing open every creature he came into contact with.
Aeris struggled to support Rude, who was on the brink of losing consciousness. Before she could take a step, however, another figure came up and grabbed Rude from the other side.
"Come on," Cid grunted. "If this pain-in-the-ass Turk dies, it'll only be because I killed him." With Cid doing most of the work, they managed to drag the big man up the stairs after Reno.
"Where's Shera?" Aeris asked, knowing Cid had to be concerned about her.
"She's got Marlene to worry about," Cid grunted. "Yuffie's keepin' an eye on them." He paused. "Elena, too."
Aeris smiled slowly. "Oh, so you two are friends again?"
"Didn't say that. She's a loudmouth sassy bitch. But she's all right."
Finally they managed to get Rude up onto the landing, which was becoming crowded with Cloud, Vincent, Barret, the Turks, Aeris, Cid, Shera and Marlene. Cloud rushed over to help pull Rude onto the platform.
"This was a brilliant idea," Cid griped as they huddled together. "It's a dead end!"
"There's another door behind us," Vincent intoned. "It leads to another room."
"Yeah, so we can be trapped like rats in a cage!" Elena snapped. "Sufur didn't come through here. We were wrong."
Nanaki bounded up the stairs after them, the last of the crew. "We've got to get out of here," he panted. "There's too many!"
Yuffie, who'd been barely nicked by a creature's claw, was wavering on her feet. She grabbed Elena to keep from falling. "They can heal on their own," she said weakly. "Even when you shoot 'em in the head, after a minute it just gets up again."
"What?" Elena said tersely. "I've wasted all my ammo for nothing?"
Reno tossed her a cartridge of his own. "Not for nothing. Slow them down." Though he hadn't been touched by claws, he too looked spent. His voice was low and strained.
Aeris spoke up suddenly. "It's the mako," she explained. "That's why it heals them." She glanced at Cloud. "Hojo's experiments."
Cid looked at Cloud, about to ask his orders, but changed his mind at the sight of him. He coughed and studied the battle-weary gang. "Here," he said suddenly. "Get everyone who's injured in the back room. Vincent, Barret, anyone with a gun will stand by the doorway and pick off any of those bastards that get too close. The rest of us will hole up in back and try to find another way out." He seemed to half-expect Cloud to challenge his orders, but the blond man only leaned wearily against the back wall, closing his eyes.
Cid stepped over to the door. "Reno, c'mere and give me a-" As he placed his palm on the surface of the door, he let out a yell that caused Barret to stop shooting and whirl around.
"Damn, Cid! You awright?"
Shera was already kneeling by Cid's side, trying to drag him away from the door, which seemed to have some kind of hold over him. Between grit teeth the others could hear him mutter, "It…burns…"
A troop of creatures, lying in wait for a break in defense, suddenly leapt onto the landing and attacked. Barret swore and began firing again as Marlene started screaming in fright. Over the din, the unearthly voice was speaking, but only Cid could really hear. He still could not move his hand from the door and began to scream and thrash as the voice assaulted his ears.
Then Cid's cries stopped, and Shera gasped. Those who could looked to see what was going on. Shera stood alone in front of the door, looking pale. Of Cid there was no sign.
"He's gone!" she cried wildly. "He fell through when it opened- but there's no other side! There's no room behind the door!"
Cloud crawled over to the entrance to look through, then immediately drew back. "I…can't," he whispered in horror. "It leads to…"
"I don't care where it leads!" Elena snapped. "It's better than here!" Supporting Rude, she flung them both through the doorway and disappeared from sight.
Reno waited, concern etched on his features. At first, silence, then a ragged yell from Elena. Swearing, Reno stepped to the door.
"Wait!" Aeris clutched his hand. "Don't leave me." Her eyes were wide and her lips were trembling with the same unimaginable fear that had come over them all. But there was nowhere, nowhere else to go! One by one, the others were disappearing through the black depths. Yuffie, then Nanaki, and finally Shera, torn between her responsibility to Marlene and her loyalty to the Captain, finally screamed, "Cid!" and plunged into the blackness. Barret scooped up Marlene and went after her. With a low moan, Cloud dragged himself to the doorway. He glanced back once at Aeris, but rose up with a strange kind of dignity and staggered through. Vincent, left alone, no longer hesitated and followed the others with a swoop of his cape. It all happened so fast Reno could barely have blinked.
"Elena's in there," he said softly, backing away from the advancing demons. Aeris he eased behind him. "Rude. We have to go through."
Aeris compressed her lips. When she spoke, her voice was almost normal. "Together, then?"
He nodded. "All right. Come one." Pulling her by the hand, he took the leap at a dead run. He fell through infinity, seeing distorted images of the past flashing by, words spoken by voices he'd never thought he'd hear again. He saw himself surrounded by soldiers, laughing as they fired bullets into the limp body of Zack. He saw Rude, looking sightlessly out from his dark lenses, whisper, "I loved her, but couldn't take her from Cloud. How could Zack do it, if I couldn't?" He heard a frustrated Elena berate them both for drinking too much…
And then, other memories, new memories mixed in. Aeris and Tseng together, a farewell of some kind…Aeris trembling in Cloud's arms…a sword piercing through her middle, her form slumped over, lifeless…
Her hand tightened on his and Reno realized he was seeing flashes of Aeris' past, personal moments ripped from her life. She could see his, too.
It went on and on. Reno losing Heantha, Aeris losing Zack; Reno drinking steadily until dawn, Aeris' first meeting with Cloud…and then, finally, some intermingled images that could have come from either of them, including last night's bitter sadness neither had forgotten.
And now the images were coming faster and faster, too fast to comprehend, just a blur of color and sound. And then they were falling, falling through empty air only to land hard on some solid surface.
Coughing , Reno raised himself up on his elbow. He had lost his grip on Aeris' hand during the landing, and she was sitting up some yards away, one hand to her forehead. She looked up dizzily when he stepped over to her.
"You okay?" he asked, pulling her to her feet.
She nodded, slightly breathless. "I..I think that had to be Jenova's doing. It was a setup, like she was waiting for us."
"Does that mean she's here, somewhere?"
Aeris shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe." She looked around, frowning. "Wherever we are, I don't think we're back yet."
Reno took the opportunity to thoroughly check out their surroundings. It seemed like some kind of garbage dump, with large piles of scrap metal dotting the terrain. But, now that he looked closely, he could see wooden structures dispersed through the mess: Human dwellings.
A sickening shudder passes over him. Somehow, the site seemed familiar, although he couldn't quite place it. Without thinking, he put his hand to his belt and drew his nightstick.
"Odd that it's night," Aeris said, sounding puzzled. She was squinted hard, staring off into the distance, as though trying to grasp something barely discernable. "It was still light out when we entered the reactor."
Then, Reno knew. He knew where they were even before he looked up. "It's not night."
"What?" Aeris turned to him quickly. "It's-"
He directed her gaze upward. Up above, a gigantic metallic structure obscured the sky, plunging the area in darkness for miles around. This was one place above ground where sunlight could not reach. It was said you couldn't grow flowers here in the slums of Midgar, they would simply wilt and die. Except, of course, for Aeris. In the church of the slums, she had made the flowers grow and flourish. Until a man in a suit trampled them out of ignorant maliciousness.
"Midgar!" she breathed. Then her gaze grew troubled. "But where…"
"Come on," Reno said harshly. He stepped onto a path between two enormous heaps of garbage, striding quickly. "We'd better get out of here."
Aeris followed, almost running to keep up. "Why? Is there-"
Reno glanced at her, then quickly away. "When Elena had that illusion, she came out of it bleeding." His eyes flickered upward. "When that plate falls, it's gonna hurt."
She understood, then. They were in the slums of Sector 7. The same sector Reno had destroyed with the swift touch of a button. That was why he was so quietly tense, so impatient to leave. When Reno detonated that bomb so long ago, he'd destroyed countless lives- including his own.
Jenova knew this, and had brought them here. Aeris' breath caught as she imagined what Reno had to be feeling, having to live this over again. She wished fervently there was a way she could help, a way she could wake them both from this nightmare of memory and imagination. But there was nothing she could do.
Reno stopped them in a small clearing before the gate of Sector 6. Up above a huge pillar stretched from the ground to embed itself within the circular plate. A winding flight of stairs curved around the pillar to a ramp near the top. And on the ramp…
"Cloud," Aeris whispered. "And Barret. But Tifa's not there."
He wasn't listening. "That pillar's the support structure for the plate above this part of the city." Reno spoke tonelessly, craning his neck to look up. "It's a rotten setup. All someone has to do is set up a decent time bomb, rigged so that it can be detonated by one man. That individual has to have basic knowledge of wiring and electricity, and also be able to fight off any outside interference-"
"Please stop," she begged, grasping his arm. "You don't need to remember any of this, Reno. It happened so long ago…"
He licked his lips and said in a low voice, "I know how this goes. In a minute I'm going to show up and detonate the switch. This entire sector and everyone in it will be crushed."
"No!" She came close to him, eyes flashing. "That's how it happened before. But this isn't the past, it's-"
"What is it then?" he countered angrily. "I'm not you, Aeris! I pressed the button, and I knew what I was doing. It was not an accident. Do you hear me?" She had started to avert her gaze in disgust, but he grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face him. "It was not a mistake, or an error of judgment. I set up the bomb myself. I knew exactly what it did."
"You were hurting inside," she protested weakly, unable to bear his accusing gaze. "You were desperate for a way out, and-"
"Do you really think you understand me?" he shouted. When she tried again to turn away he yanked her closer. He put his face close to hers and whispered, "I pressed that button because it was a simple choice: Sector 7 or me. One of us had to go. Guess which one I chose?"
Her lips were white with trying not to scream or cry, it was unclear which. "You didn't do it for yourself," she whispered tersely. "You did it for your job. IT wasn't forced on you."
"Exactly!" he snapped, flinging her away. "No one held a gun to to my head and told me to do it. I did it myself." A spasm of coughing suddenly overtook him, and Reno hunched over, struggling to breathe. Aeris rushed toward him, but he shook his head and straightened, forcing the spasm back.
"I don't know," he said much more quietly, "exactly when or why I started to regret it. Maybe it was when I got to know you all and saw things from the other side. Maybe it was when Shinra fell and I lost my job anyway. I don't know." His shoulders lifted in a small shrug. "Not that it matters. I can't do anything to change it now if I wanted to." He glanced up again at the plate. "That thing's going to fall. Same as last time."
Aeris stepped to him and searched his face. "How can you know?" she said quietly. "You've changed so much since then."
He looked away. "That's the thing, Aeris…I really haven't."
Even as he spoke, a thudding helicopter flew around the pillar. A figure jumped out. A tall figure in a blue uniform…
"Right on time," Reno said.
"No!" Aeris shrieked for the second time. She grasped him by the shoulders. "Let it go, Reno. It happened already. It's over!"
He shook his head, pain distorting his features. Quickly he pulled her to him and placed a soft kiss on her brow. He murmured something against her skin, she was not sure what. When he drew away he turned from her and was gone.
"Reno!" Aeris screamed, falling to her knees. "Where are you?"
He couldn't answer, he couldn't even hear her. The steel grating shook under his weight, but he wasn't even aware of that. He only saw one thing.
The panel was before him, roughshod and basic, but usable. Wires ran from it to the actual bomb, which was directly underneath the grating at his feet. In the center of the panel was the black button, the absurdly simple detonation device that would explode the structure and cause hundreds of people to die.
Cloud and Barret were nearby, screaming at him to stop, but in his mind they weren't there. It was just him…and this. It was so incredibly simple. Just press the button, and the job will be done. That was all that mattered, after all. Just do the job, and forget about it. He was a Turk, and this was…this was his identity.
In any case, he would be doing the people of the slums a big favor. They were unhappy, miserable people. They had no money, no food, no land. Their existence was pain and suffering. Didn't they want it to end? They'd done horrible things, too. He knew: There was no such thing as an innocent human being. Everyone was guilty of something, which was why no one was safe from the Sresla. By doing what he was afraid to do, he would take all their awful sins, their terrible burdens, and carry them for himself. He was delivering them from the horror they were living.
Besides, it was already too late for him. He had nothing left but his job, and to keep it, he would do this. He would do anything for his job.
In any case, what else was there to live for?
All this flashed through him in an instant. Without hesitating, without even thinking, he lifted his hand and brought it smashing down on the button. He thought he heard laughter…
The first reaction was, oddly enough, profound relief. He had been right all along, and it had been so easy, so ridiculously simple, that all the arguing and indecision of before seemed a waste of time. He'd been right; he'd known just how it would happen. Without hesitation, without thinking, he'd pushed the button, just as he'd told Aeris…
Only thing did he fully realize what he had done, Reno hunched over, grabbing the panel for support. He was shaking so bad he couldn't move. Aeris was down there, and he'd-
A meaty first grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up. "What they hell are you thinking?" Barret roared, aiming his gun. "You-you did it again!"
"I know!" Reno yelled back, wrenching himself free. He stumbled back into the control panel, knowing both Barret and Cloud were watching him accusingly. He tried to breathe, tried to give himself room to think, but there was a long buzzing in his ears that wouldn't go away. There was no more room for him to hide. He'd done it, and they had seen for themselves what kind of person he was, person he still was…
All he felt was Aeris' pitying gaze, her silent voice asking "Why?" And he didn't know. He didn't know why he'd had to do it, why he couldn't shrug off responsibility for everything he'd done, why he couldn't start over and forget, like everyone else could. He could only stare back at Cloud and realize they were two completely different people, fighting for two completely different reasons. And Aeris, Aeris was…he couldn't think.
"Answer me, goddammit!" Barret shouted, giving Reno a hard shove. "You even for us anymore? You even-"
"Stop it, Barret," Cloud said firmly, stepping between them. "There's got to be a simpler explanation. Reno?"
"Aeris is down there." Reno said weakly, not knowing how to even begin explaining himself. "I was just with her."
Cloud stopped, visibly confused. "You mean…she's-"
"I mean she's down there, with the plate about to fall any second!" Reno yelled at the top of his lungs. "She stayed because she didn't think I'd do it! She doesn't know!"
Cloud barely dodged a chunk of falling rubble, his face wracked by indecision. "I…I don't know what to do!" he cried, sounding frustrated and helpless. "I don't even know what's happening."
"Welcome to the club, Strife," Reno snapped, disgust warping every syllable.
Cloud looked up at him and glared into his eyes. "I know," he said coldly. "I'm weak. But I'm no worse than you." He flung an arm out, indicating the slow destruction around them. "Look what you are! You're so fucked up you-" He broke off as the pillar shuddered warningly, barely keeping his feet. Reno himself grabbed onto the panel to stay upright.
Barret, forgotten by both, growled, "We need to get outta here." He hefted a heavy wire cable near the edge of the pillar. "We'll get out this way!"
Cloud struggled to find control. "Yeah, we…it's the only way out. It should hold all of us, if we grab it right." He reached to grasp the cable with a gloved hand, but Reno grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
"You can't." Thick desperation distorted Reno's voice. "She's still down there. When the plate-"
"What do you want me to do?" Cloud yelled helplessly. "What are you going to do? Are you going to save her, Reno?"
The pillar quaked again, now with menace. Reno let out a low moan and put his hand over his face. It was over. Everyone he'd worked for, everything he'd believed in was a lie.
And now, just let me die. Please let me die!
Barret, scowling furiously, grabbed Reno by the collar and threw him roughly into the railing. "Listen, you," he growled. "I personally don't give a shit whether you live or die. But you owe us an answer." Reno started to pull away with a curse, but Barret stopped him. "You owe us that, at least!"
"It's going to blow any second," Cloud cried, hanging onto the wire. "We have to get out!"
"Come on!" Barret pushed Reno into the railing, but the Turk wasn't resisting. Silently he reached out and grabbed the cable, just above the base. Without waiting to see if he was ready, Barret kicked off the railing, not an instant too soon.
The force of the blast sent them spiraling away from the structure. Reno, clinging to the cable with a detached sense of reality, suddenly thought of Aeris, begging, "Don't leave me!" before he'd fallen through the door.
All at once he lose his grip on the wire and fell through the flames. There was a fleeting moment of pain, then, thankfully, empty blackness.
* * * * * *
In those long moments after he'd gone, Aeris' heart beat painfully fast. He'd left too quickly, she hadn't gotten a chance to speak to him, to tell him….
But, they were here. It was Jenova's doing, pulling Reno's most painful memory and making him face it. It was brutal, unimaginable torture, worse than any physical pain. There was no defense against something you'd done, even if you didn't want to think about it.
Her hand went to her forehead and she remembered the way he'd kissed her, as though he was trying to make up for a mistake he couldn't fix. She longed to see him again, offer words that might help him through the ordeal he was facing at that moment. But it was too late.
Her gaze fell up the pillar and she saw, very clearly, as Reno pressed the button. The distance was too great for her to see, but she felt his anguish plainly.
I know what it is you feel, Reno, she thought softly. And I know why you did it. You hate yourself, now as much as you did then, and you want to torment yourself as much as possible, because you think you deserve it.
Up above, the pillar exploded in a column of flame. Very slowly, then faster and faster, the giant plate began falling toward her.
But you shouldn't hate yourself, Reno, because I love you so much…
Blinking back sudden tears, she had a thought. Love…perhaps that had been the answer that she had feared so before.
She had killed the last of the Ancients out of love. And she was about to die herself because of love. It was an odd feeling, to give yourself up completely for someone else…she wasn't even afraid anymore.
The plate was almost upon her now. Aeris closed her eyes. Jenova's clawed hand was reaching for her, grasping-
Reno…
Don't be afraid…
* * * * * *
He recovered consciousness only after a few seconds, not even enough time to forget what had happened. Reno put his arm over his face with a ragged groan. For the first time in several months, he awoke wishing he was dead.
"Reno." It was Cloud, sitting close by his head. "C'mon, I know you're awake."
Oh, that was every reason in the world to bolt upright. Reno wiped a hand over his face and slowly opened his eyes. Cloud lingered over him, looking anxious.
"Hey." Cloud leaned back as the redhead sat up. "We made it out okay." He paused. "Haven't seen anyone else, though."
Reno half-turned to look at him. He didn't want to know, but had to ask. "Then…she's…"
Cloud didn't answer.
Something, he wasn't sure if it was a curse or a scream, tried to force its way past the lump in his throat, but he swallowed it back. Slowly, painfully, he lurched to his feet and looked around.
They were in the slum outskirts of Sector 7, what remained of a children's playground. Barret stood by the swings, aimlessly pushing at one with his gun-arm. His face was contorted with grief.
Cloud got out of the way as Reno walked unsteadily to the wall of flames and metal- all that remained of Sector 7. Here was a mass graveyard of forgotten souls, everyone punished because of one man's mistakes. It was a sign of lost humanity, a symbol of failure. Everyone else was gone.
Cloud and Barret watched as Reno placed a hand on the solid wall of crusted rubble. Aeris was…his mind couldn't complete the thought, couldn't comprehend what he'd done. Everything she'd believed in had been a lie. There was no such thing as redemption. People can't change, ever. He'd been lost…ever since he pushed that button the first time, irrevocably lost. There was only one way things could go for him, and that was down.
"Reno." Cloud spoke hesitantly.
But…why did the innocent always have to suffer? Why did the ones he cared for have to die first? Why…why hadn't he been able to save her? And why hadn't she tried to save herself? She hadn't wanted to go through the door in the reactor! Why hadn't she stayed away?
He knew why. She had followed him because…because she had loved him. She had loved him, and it killed her.
"History repeats itself," he said softly. Again and again, things were always the same. Like before, he'd pushed the button. Like before, he'd lost someone he'd loved. Like before, Aeris had thrown her life away for a hopeless cause.
His breathing had grown ragged. Reno closed his eyes and willed everything to be different, just for once in his goddamned life, for something to change. Let the time bomb malfunction, let her escape in time, them never to have met…
Something tugged on his arm. Reno opened his eyes to see everything around him was the same- the same miserable little park with the same ugly slide; the same twisted scrapes of molten metal; even Cloud's irritating presence hadn't changed a bit.
"Come on," Cloud urged, trying to drag Reno away. "We have to get out of here."
Reno was a good four or five inches taller than Cloud, and at the moment about twice as mean. He wrenched out of Cloud's grasp. "I'm staying here," he said quietly, "until something changes. If I leave, I might miss it."
This reply made no sense at all to Cloud, so he simply assumed the Turk was out of his mind and shrugged helplessly at Barret. It was beginning to look like the only way Reno would be moved would be to knock him out and tow him, and it was a likely possibility that Cloud and Barret might be severely hurt in the process.
"Goddammit!" Barret yelled, stomping over to join them. "Marlene's gone. And I ain't gonna wait around for you. This is your own damn fault, an' you know it!"
"Shut up, Barret!" Cloud hissed, but Reno only shrugged, keeping his eyes on the remains of Sector 7.
Scrounging for a bit of hope, Cloud said faintly, "Reno, do you think there's any possible way she's not…not…"
"Seven hundred solid tons of steel alloy have come crashing down from almost a mile above the sector," Reno said patiently. "That plate is so huge it didn't even shatter on impact, which is why we can't get through. Would you like me to do it again to demonstrate?"
"Shu'up!" Barret snapped. "Go ahead, do it again! I bet your would if you could, you cold-hearted bastard! You were always in this for yourself, huh? You never gave a damn 'bout any of us, 'specially Aeris!"
For an instant, Reno looked furious enough to attack Barret. His eyes narrowed and he started to move toward him. Then, abruptly, his expression changed and he looked away, putting a hand over his face.
"I don't know…" he whispered softly. "Maybe that's true."
"You damn right, that's true!" Barret roared. "An' cuz of you-"
While Barret raged, Reno's face contorted and he whipped a hand to his jacket to pull out his handgun. With shaking fingers he cocked it and pointed the barrel at his accuser. "Do you remember what I am?" His voice trembled in the terrified silence. "I don't want to deal with you guys anymore. I'm through." He looked at them both, sizing them up. At last he sighed and turned to Cloud. "I don't know…what to do know. Just go, find Marlene. Stop Jenova, not that it's going to do the world any good. Do what you think…is-" He suddenly doubled over, coughing uncontrollably. Cloud rushed over to help if he could, but Reno backed away, shaking his head. When the spasm ended he wiped blood from his mouth and stood upright. He stared at the gun in his hand, smirked a little and put it back in its holster.
"Reno," Cloud said slowly. "I understand what you're feeling right now, but-"
Reno snorted. "Don't make me laugh."
"Oh, really?" Cloud's voice cracked in fury. "Do you think you're the only one who's angry and upset right now? Has it even occurred to you that I'm the only one who has a clue what you're going through?"
Reno narrowed his eyes but didn't answer.
"I lost her too," Cloud continued in a shaking voice. "Not once, twice. I was right there when Sephiroth stabbed her before my eyes! That's why I don't hate your rotten guts." Cloud coughed and wiped a hand over his eyes. "I've…I've been there too."
"That was different," Barret countered. "You didn't kill her that time. Like this miserable asshole." He jerked his head toward Reno.
Cloud shook his head. "No, I…I think it was just as much my fault as Reno's. I don't think he could have stopped himself in any case." He turned to the Turk. "Am I right?"
"How the hell should I know?" Reno muttered. He didn't know what was better- being a black-hearted killer all over again or a despondent weakling like Cloud. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about how he'd been stupid to trust in hope, how nothing had ever changed. If he thought about it, about Aeris' voice telling him she believed in him, then he would start to feel the wrenching agony his blockade of numbness had been holding at bay. Everything she had been, had symbolized for him had never existed…and now she was gone.
"Oh…God…" The words barely escaped his lips before he clamped down on a shriek that was forcing its way up from within. He covered his eyes and slid slowly to the ground, his back against the brittle structure of a children's slide. He did not move nor speak for several minutes.
Cloud was staring at the wall that was Sector 7, as though looking at it could make it not be real. Behind him he heard Barret suddenly yell, "What the hell do you want from us?" to no one.
We've done it, he thought hazily, rubbing his hand absent-mindedly. We've finally destroyed ourselves, just like they all said. But…
"Let me try again," he murmured, not even audibly. "We can still win." Win what, exactly, he had no idea. Why fight Jenova for a dying piece of earth no one cared about, anyway?
He blinked once, and when he opened his eyes the scene had changed. Midgar was gone. In its place was a shattered reactor housing shattered people in its burnt-out shell. Barret looked around at the door he'd come through, mystified.
"Where are we?" he demanded, confusion making him angry. Reno, still slumped on the ground, did not answer or even appear to care. He did not look up.
Cloud answered Barret's question. "Gongaga."
Over a short period, the rest of the party came straggling through the door. Elena was supporting a stricken Rude, who was still in pain because of his wound, and whatever they had seen. Cid had an arm around Shera, murmuring, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over again. Shera held the hand of an openly wailing Marlene, who shrieked when she saw her father and ran to his arms. They all came, last of all Vincent, who emerged with a weary and troubled expression on his face. Cloud was relieved to see no more missing from their number. Only Aeris, it seemed, had…
He allowed them a few minutes to recover. He himself spoke to Cid about what he had seen, glancing now and then at the Turks. Elena had let out a pitiful sob at the sight of Reno, and now she had her arms around him as she alternatively raged and wept. Rude knelt beside them, a grimace of pain on his pale face, gripping Elena's shoulder as though afraid to let go. The three of them made a small circle on the ground as they spoke quietly of the memories and fears thrown at them in a vision.
And, gradually, inexplicably, as the rest of the group began to feel Aeris' absence and question it, a silence settled over everyone except for Reno, who was telling his story in a harsh and unnatural tone. He looked at no one as he spoke, but there was a grim and ironical smile in the set of his face that suggested he knew they were listening and didn't care.
"You can call it- what the hell's that term?- automatism," he concluded in a hoarse and weary voice. "It's over all over again." And still he smiled, daring someone to challenge him so he would have a focus for his pain and rage.
"What's- that – mean?" Yuffie ventured to ask when it was plain he would say no more. It was Vincent who answered.
"Automatism is a state of mind in which the person committing the act is unconscious or unaware of what is happening at the time," he said flatly. "Although in Reno's case, I would venture to suggest outside manipulation of some kind-"
Reno cut him short. "I did it on purpose, Vampy, aware or unawares," he said curtly. "Let there be no mistake about that."
Several members of the group appeared puzzled and indignant at Reno's statement, but no one dared to say anything. Yuffie began to cry silently, but the others seemed too far in shock to react.
Cloud closed his eyes, feeling sick. He turned away from the others and scanned the horizon. Only thick foliage and jungle noises reached his eyes, but he thought he could detect a foul stench on the horizon. The group badly needed rest, and Gongaga would just make everything worse. The place they were in was unsuitable, to say the least, but it was the only option.
"Someone start a fire," he said aloud. "We have to stop for now. Red, come with me to gather firewood." As Nanaki trotted toward him, Cloud looked over at Cid. "I know everyone's tired. But we need shelter. The tents are in the packs near the door." Cid nodded and stumbled forward, giving Shera's hand a last squeeze. Cloud turned to leave, glancing a final time at the circle of Turks. As he did, he noticed something.
Before entering the door in the reactor, the Sresla on Reno's hand had been a violent shade of blood-red. Now, unnoticed by anyone except perhaps Reno himself, it was scorched black.
Author's Note
I'm sorry. You really thought this was a love story, didn't you? It's not- it's a story of psychological trauma, redemption- or lack thereof- and whatever's left over. Maybe it's love, but that remains to be seen. For now, drop me a line, a love note, or a vow of vengeance. For my part, I'll try to write faster.
~Lila