Hey, I'm back! And for some reason unfathomable by anyone
sane continuing this fic! I've had SO much more response
than I expected for such silliness, which started a whole year
ago now... A couple things to say before we begin:
1. No, this isn't finished.
2. It probably won't ever be! (I'm not going to calculate just
how many possible couples there are out of all the FFVII characters,
but I have a feeling that it's an awful lot!!)
3. Related note: people keep reviewing saying I've missed out
couples I'm not igoring you, I will try to get to them eventually!
:)
4. Thanks very very much for all the reviews! Like I said, more
than I hoped for!
Someone even suggested threesomes!! XD... well.... maaaybe, we'll see... but I'm not sure if even I am that daring yet....! Besides, there's plenty of fun to be had with just two people! Oh, and by the way just to restate: I am making fun of everyone!! EVERYONE! This is a PARODY! No favouritism or actual bashing in here!! Uh... I dunno if there's anything that could really count as much of a spoiler... but if you're vulnerable to such things, consider yourself warned!
I hope you enjoy some of the even more unorthodox conclusions in this chapter........ These are getting further and further away from the conventional definition of "couple", but never mind! (sorry, these are getting longer and maybe not as good... I'll try to make 'em good again soon!)
Oh yeah, I still don't own Final Fantasy VII....
Crazy Couplings, by JestaAriadne, part 3!!
Sephiroth and Tifa
Reno and Jessie
Aeris and Vincent
Reno and Cloud
Vincent and Tifa
Barret and Cloud
Rufus and Tifa
Zack and Tifa
---
Sephiroth and Tifa
Sephiroth: Hello Tifa.
Tifa: ::freaks out:: Sephiroth!!!?? But you're dead!!
Sephiroth: ::deadpan:: So are half the people in this fic. Your point?
Tifa: ....
Sephiroth: (brightly) So, how about we go on a date?
Tifa: WHAT? You've killed my family and my friends and tried to destroy the world and made Cloud go mental you've generally ruined my lifeand now you want to go on a date??
Sephiroth: Oh come on, Tifa, be reasonable; Aeris forgave me, why can't you let the past go?
Tifa: Aeris?? Don't even mention that name in my presence. And go away!!
Sephiroth: ::shakes his head:: I'm sorry, Tifa, I didn't think it would have to come to this but.... MUAHAHAHAHA!!! ::floats around freakishly:: I shall have you, whether you want it or not!
Tifa: Yeah, right. ::roundhouse punches him::
Sephiroth: ::is out cold::
Tifa: Hmm, he's kinda cute like that... ::drags him off with her::
---
Reno and Jessie
Jessie: Hey you! Shinra are evil! Help save the Planet!!
Reno: ::blink::...Uh.... hey? ::looks at her properly:: Hey, you're pretty hot, wanna
Jessie: No!! ::primly:: I only have eyes for Cloud Strife.
Reno: That loser again? WHAT do you people SEE in him??
Jessie: ::scoffs:: Maybe his good looks, his brains, his debonair charm? ....Uh... wait, that was someone else....darnit. But I'm sure there's lots of good things about Cloud!
::pause::
Jessie: OK, so maybe you have a point.
Reno: So you wanna go out with me? Chance of a lifetime, today only I appear in this fic SOBER!
Jessie: Wow, that is pretty impressive... OK.
::several hours later::
Reno: ::chugging down beer for all he's worth:: ........aw damnit, not agaaaain..... ::hiccup::
Jessie: Er... I think you might have had enough for now...
Reno: Weeeellllll, OK, buuut... whadabout yoou, I want you tooo.... Comeon... you know you wannnna? ::moves very unsteadily in her general direction::
Jessie: Actually... no. ::carefully drags him away and deposits him outside::
Reno: ::takes a few minutes to realise what just happened:: ........aw damnit.
---
Aeris and Vincent
Aeris: Hey, Vincent....
Vincent: ....
Aeris: I'm lonely, Vincent. I'm bored and dead and Cloud doesn't like me.... Can I be your girlfriend please?
Vincent: ....
Aeris: Pleeease? I'll give you some flowers! ::stuffs a bouquet into his arms:: Hey... uh... Vincent...?
Vincent: ....
Aeris: Viiinceent??
Vincent: ....::snore::
Aeris: YOU'RE ASLEEP??
Vincent: ::wakes up:: Wha?? Lucrecia??
Aeris: ::sweatdrop:: No, I'm Aeris. And I wanna be your girlfriend.
Vincent: (wide-eyed) LUCREEECIA!!
Aeris: Argh!! ::takes back flowers and storms off:: Loser.
---
Reno and Cloud
Reno: Oh man, not you again...
Cloud: That's not very nice!
Reno: ::sigh:: It's just that every time we meet we end up getting in a big fight and then I miss Happy Hour at Turtle's Paradise....
Cloud: Yeah, well I miss a good few hours of angsting and you don't hear me complaining, do you?? Anyway, you're the enemy, and I'm a simple-minded hero, so I'm gonna attack you. ::starts charging forward with sword::
Reno: ::backs off hastily:: Uhhh.... how about we settle this over a pint?? ...Or two? Or maybe... like... twelve?
Cloud: ...........OK
::at Turtle's Paradise, twelve and half rounds later::
Reno: eyyyy.... yer lookin'.... good.....
Cloud: yeeaaahhh.... ey, Reenooo I loooove ya....
Reno: ...yeah...? Yeer so cuuuuute.... (notd again... why doooo I always... ged stuck wid the...random sdrunk sceeenss...?)
Cloud: c'm 'ere....
Reno: oooh yesh...
::::red curtain time!::::
---
Vincent and Tifa
Tifa: Oh Cloud......
Vincent: Oh... Lucrecia!
Tifa: OHH CLOOOUD!
Vincent: Lucrecia, my one... my only.....
Tifa: Ahem!! MY angsty moment, MINE! Go AWAY! Ahem. Oh Cloud... if only I could tell you how I feel....
Vincent: ::interupts as if he had not heard her:: Oh Lucrecia I would die a thousand deaths if I could just put into words the angst that is in my heart and spout it out before you...
Tifa: ::glares at Vincent, then continues talking to the air:: Cloud... If only you would listen to me... you're trapped in your own world....
Vincent: Oh, Lucrecia!! If only you were alive to hear me!! But you're not, you're trapped in the world of the dead and my life is so worthless without you... My days are dark, my heart is beating yet but it is a false sign in a shell where no hope is left!!!
Tifa: OK, that's it!! It's bad enough that he doesn't love me and I'm pursued by stalkers like that Sephiroth... who is pretty cute..... But anyway, DON'T YOU TRY TO UPSTAGE ME, MISTER!!!!
Vincent: ::eeeps:: ....Oh, is this the punishment for my sin??
Tifa: ARGH!! STOOOOP IT!!! ::roundhouse punches him::
Vincent: ::is out for the count::
Tifa: Hmm, he's kinda cute like that... ::drags him off with her::
---
Barret and Cloud
Cloud: Argh, why are you so big-headed, Barret?
Barret: Look who's talkin! Why do YOU have such an attitude problem, Cloud?
Cloud: Why do YOU have such issues with my attitude, moron?
Barret: Why do YOU have a problem with me havin issues with your attitude, dumbass??
Cloud: Why are so SO ANNOYING??
Barret: WHY YOU SUCH A DAMN FOO'?
Cloud: WHY DON'T YOU LEARN SOME GRAMMAR??
::pause::
Barret: What's that supposed to mean? Get yo' spiky ass offa my case!
Cloud: ::sigh:: For the last time, it's my HAIR that is spiky, NOT my ass!!
Barret: ...You wanna show me proof?
Cloud: ::blinks:: Well.... uh.... OK! ::starts to undo his pants............::
::::ALERT! ALERT! MAJOR RED CURTAIN TIME!!!!!::::
Muaha. That was slightly worriesome to say the least...
Cloud fangirls approach menacingly after being denied the chance of a lifetime... A few of the more intelligent ones go looking for the curtain-opening mechanism, while we continue our tales.....
---
Rufus and Tifa
Tifa: You're mean! You're evil! Quit destroying the planet!! .....And aren't you dead??
Rufus: Dead is a state of mind. You're cute, by the way. Nice outfit.
Tifa: Grr. I know how to deal with jerks like you.
Rufus: Do you indeed...?
Tifa: YES! ::roundhouse punches him::
Rufus: ::is in a state of unconsciousness::
Tifa: Hee... he's kinda cute like that too. I could get used to this... ::drags him off with her::
---
Zack and Tifa
Tifa: Hey there, cutie-pie!
Zack: Er, do I know you?? Let me introduce myself My name's Zack, and I'm actually dead. And, uh, you are...?
Tifa: ::smiles:: Look, Zack, whoever you are... I'm really sorry about this but... ::roundhouse punches him:: ...You're just too cute! ::giggle::
Zack: aaahuuuhgg.... wha... was tha for...... ::collapses::
Tifa: Hehehe. ::drags him off to add to her bishie collection::
---
Militant Tifa fans are advancing towards me menacingly....
Oh no, wait, they're not all Tifa fans... and they're not all heading towards me...
Ah! It's the League of Mad Militant Fangirls themselves!!! ...and they're after Tifa's bishie collection... (Heee, maybe I'll go join them... Come on, let me be a mad fangirl sometimes!)
A/N: Sorry, I just got carried away with that lame joke :) Don't worry though, I think most of the running jokes here will only run for the chapter's length (like the Elena thing...) so be happy :)
Eh, and if you wanna read something SLIGHTLY more serious,
I'm finally posting Bring On Tomorrow, my personal fun take on
post-game possibilities
[/shameless plug]