Authors Note- Kind of Choppy, I know. I wrote it a two different points, so its a little mixed up. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews, the chapters won't be posted as frequently as some of my other fic's because it is harder to write chapters when I am the only one writing. Unlike my joint ones. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
A soothing hand brushes a few stray hairs out of my eyes. "Mm..." I hear myself moan, reaching up to swat the hand away from me, it comes back, but this time rests on my arm. Argh, doesn't he understand. Piss off, Carter. I'm tired, I've been up every night worrying about you. Spending every day taking care of your kids. Okay so they're our kids, but it doesn't stop me from being a bit angry. I just don't understand why he had to go back there. The place where everything changed for us, or at least it seemed like that. I have come to realise that our relationship fell apart due to many things. Things we probably both had a bit to do with, but things happened in Africa, things that I don't even want to think about. I know that seven years of marriage to be enough to assure me. It does dick all. He knocked her up. Impregnated her. It was a time we all found out that he is capable of having children. Something Susan joked about, well he is Carter... The man I love. I feel him run his fingers down my arm, then back up to my shoulders. I slap his hand a way.
"Abbbbbbby..." He whines, oh Jesus, why was I upset that he left? Now not only do I have to put up with four screaming kids, I have a fifth one. You know what? Kem can have you... I feel his mouth move to my neck, placing gentle kisses down to my collarbone. He move slowly to my ear. "Rise and shine beautiful." He starts off sour then boom he suddenly goes sweet on you. Not to say that sweet talk usually works on me, but when its been neglected for a bit, it kind of starts to rub you the right way. I slam my hand against his chest pushing him off me.
"I'm awake, are you happy?" I toss myself onto my back, rearranging my arms so they are under my head.
"Not really, I had to get up at six this morning to get the kids ready. That means spending an hour with Jack arguing." I laugh a little, I can only imagine what Jack has to say, between the broken wrist and his skateboard being taken away, he probably has an ear full for us.
"He get to preschool okay?" He nods his head, staring at me for a second. Sometimes he does this, looses his thoughts completely, staring at me. I've never been able to figure out why. I'm really not all that special. Hell Luka even said it to me once. I'm not that pretty or that special, but for some reason I'm exactly what Carter wanted.
"Yeah..." He bites a smile away. "You know Jack he was excited once I convinced him all the kids would think his cast was cool." I roll my eyes, great, get him thinking that once this one is gone he will want another one. I refuse to hold him down again while Susan and Sam cast him. That is something I would like to forget.
John falls against the bed, resting his head against the head board, sighing a bit. I can't help but smile, I'm still a bit upset with him. I know why he went back. I know exactly why. Its not the reason he says, its not what he keeps telling me, but I know he'll tell me the real reason on his own time. I can't force him, not like I can force things out of my kids. I want him to tell me when he's ready, sometimes I worry he never will be, but then I look at him, realising he really loves me as much as he says. He'll tell me.
I take his hand in my, interlacing our fingers, as I snuggle into his arms. I wonder how long we can do this before it gets awkward. Before I can't stand it anymore and just need his to fess up to me. I try to push that out of my mind, think of all we have. Our four beautiful children. Lucas, Jordan, Max, and Jack. They have become my world, something I never thought I wanted, dreaded, has become what I live for... Funny. A family. My family. Each one having their own personality, their own way about them that makes them special, unique, loveable. Carter says Jordy is exactly like me, looks, personality. I'm not sure I always see it, but then she does something that I cringe at. It reminds me of something I would do.
We walk beside the river, the cool breeze deters me from the awkward silence that looms over us like a dark cloud. Silence. Something that wasn't there this morning. It seems as though every moment we push the truth away the deeper the wounds go. Nails digging into flesh deep. I wrap my arms around my jacket clad body. The wind rushes through my hair, throwing it this way and that. I glance over at him for a second, he's staring into the distance, not focusing on a single thing. I watch him for a few seconds, before turning away. I wasn't sure where we stood before he left, loving him has never been a problem. Even the days I didn't want to love him, I loved him. It's impossible to imagine my life without him in it. Without them in it. Together we make a family, I'm just not so sure this family is on the right track anymore. One thing stands in our way, the same thing that stood in our way more than ten years ago. Africa. The single word can make me cringe, send involuntary shivers down my spine. Him going there, somewhere I never wanted him to go. Despite the violence, there was always us. Being torn apart wasn't my biggest fear back then. It was getting hurt. It still is today, but overtime I have learned to overcome that, push it away. Now though, now I am afraid of something or someone coming in between us.
"We don't have long before the kids school ends." I nod in agreement. He's right we don't, its not enough time to solve this problem.
"I know." He watches me for a second, before stopping in front of a bench. The bench. Our bench.
"I'd never lie to you Abby." He says in one breath. I look out on the choppy river, birds flying for safety, the soon approaching storm looms overhead, daring to release its ever brewing rage.
"You'd keep something from me though." He heaves a deep sigh, I bring my eyes down, meeting his own. A stern line crosses over his lips, letting me is not something he's going to do today. I run my fingers through my dishevelled hair. It's no use, why did I even bother? Why did I want to spend the only day I have off with my husband? The same husband who can't even tell me the truth.
"It's complicated. You know that." Pfft. Complicated my ass. Its not complicated, we are making it complicated, you are making it complicated. I want so badly to wrap my hands around his neck and throttle him.
"It's not complicated John, you are. You refuse to let me in. Tell me what I already know." He shakes his head at me, trying to hide things. It scares me, it scares me that my own husband can't even tell me the truth. "Do you want this to rip apart this family John?" My voice growing louder, heavier with anger.
"What do you want to know?" He asks, his jaw clenched, fists balled at his side.
"Did you see her?" One simple question, one question that means so much to me. Not the answer. His answer. Will his answer coincide with the answer.
"Yes." Well he passed that test. He dangles his arms helplessly at his sides. It doesn't make me feel better, I thought it might, but it doesn't. He takes a step towards me, his hair flying with the wind, as a few raindrops powder his hair. "I had to Abby. You know that." I nod, my bottom a hole being drilled into my bottom lip from the constant nibbling of my teeth.
I know that, he knows that. Maybe it is good that he saw her. I mean I never hated her. Never knew her really, she always seemed nice, nothing that I didn't like about her. I wasn't completely taken by her like everyone else seemed to be. She just had the man I wanted, the man, at the time, I didn't know I wanted. I needed. I dig my hands into my pockets, I can feel the rain splatter down on the dry hard cement, smacking into every free spot. He watches me for a second longer, I turn away from him. I have to get my children. He doesn't follow, I didn't expect him too. The rain drops dribble down my cheeks, disguising the tears that have been falling since I left him. Maybe waiting to confront him with this issue wasn't the best idea. I wish I didn't have to prod him, dig it out of him. Everything can be battle with him, hell everything can be a battle with me. We created some tough kids too.
I wipe my eyes, as I approach the building, the kids are probably expecting a ride. Sorry, your father has the car. I wait out on the sidewalk like I do everyday. Lucas comes running out, Jack's tiny hand in his own. They run towards me, I scoop Jack into my arms.
"Didn't you bring the car mom?" Lucas whines, oh a little rain won't hurt you. I use to love the rain, it represented my pain, screaming out the truth.
"No." I state, planting a kiss on his forehead. He groans a little bit, I hand his brother off to him, as Max and Jordan come running toward me. I stretch my arms out, taking one in each. They both smile, gabbing about their days.
"No car?" I laugh, shaking my head slightly. They groan in unison. I run my fingers through their hair, wishing Carter was here, he'd know exactly what he was doing to me, to us.
"Daddy!" I turn around only to see John pull up in his jeep. Well at least he knows how to please them.