Author's Note: review, review, review!
As the Hogwarts Express wove its way through the beautiful countryside, Sophia felt growing anger toward her mother, whom she was soon going to see. She stopped staring out the window and admired her nails for a moment. I wonder what mum will think of the colour, she thought. Then she angrily balled up her hands into fists and rebelliously retorted her own question: I don't care what she thinks. She's the one who hid him from me all this time. What, did she think that I wasn't going to notice that I didn't have a father?
She pulled out a permanent marker and began doodling on her hand. In proud, enormous letters, she scribbled Daddy's Girl. She knew her mother would see it and know immediately why Sophia was angry. Or so she hoped. The last thing she wanted to do was explain. But she knew her mother would understand, she was anything but thick.
Sophia pulled out her own notebook, and began writing poetry. She often did this now, especially when she was feeling particularly angry or vulnerable.
Where were you
When I was curled up in the corner
Where were you
When I was having fits of laughter over nothing
Where were you
When there was no one whom to wipe my tears
Where were you
When I was choking over ice cubes in my throat
Where were you
When I pretended not to need you
It was about all of them. Every single one. Sirius, her mum, Vieara. She was seething, fueled more and more with her own self-pity. She had the oddest flash, a picture of shaggy dog swimming tiredly in dark choppy waters. Pain flashed through her temples.
"Would you like some pumpkin pasties, dear?" The food cart. It snapped her out of her moment. She regained control of herself.
"I'd like three Chocolate Frogs, please." She answered as pleasantly as she could muster. When the door of the cart slid closed, she sighed, suddenly exhausted, and unwrapped the foil wrapper of the chocolate. She broke off a piece and stuffed it into her mouth.
If only she could escape her thoughts . . .
Vieara glanced out of the window as the train neared London. She couldn't wait to be home. To wallow in the laziness of summer, to swim, talk to her old friends. She missed her mother much more than she wanted to admit even to herself.
Their mum was waiting impatiently for the train to arrive at the platform. She was knitting her hands together and pulling them apart continuously in apprehension. She was sure Dumbledore had told them. But how much did they know now? Had they changed, now that they knew who their father was?
She didn't have much time to muse. With a whistle, the train pulled in and children eagerly began to disembark. Vieara was among the first ones off, walking along with Ginny and Angel. They hugged each other goodbye, and she ran up to her mother, and gave her an enormous hug. Adriana breathed a sigh of relief. They weren't angry.
But her relief crumbled in a split second when she saw Sophia grudgingly getting off the train. The girl looked depressing, and rather depressed. She was dressed entirely in black, a worn hooded sweatshirt on top, and black baggy cargo pants on the bottom. Her waves were loose and her new bangs hid eyes, which seemed to be lined in thick black eye makeup. Her mother's breath stopped for a moment. Was this her witty little cheerful daughter? No, it couldn't be. This girl was a stranger. She knew instantly that Sophia hadn't taken the news about their father as well as Vieara had. It was obvious that she was angry, but Adriana was unsure whom the anger was directed toward. Was it for her? Or Sirius?
She felt a knot in her stomach tighten. She hadn't said his name in nearly ten years.
"Sophia!" She hugged the angry looking girl, who stood tensely in her arms, but didn't respond.
"Hullo." She said flatly, boring her charcoal rimmed eyes into her mother's with an accusing glare. Adriana pretended not to notice anything different, but involuntarily flinched at the site of the scribbles on Sophia's hand, which read Daddy's Girl proudly. Vieara shot an angry look in her sister's direction. She hated the way Sophia was upsetting their mother on purpose.
"Let's go home," Vieara announced.
"Well, actually I was thinking, why don't we stay at Diagon Alley for a couple of days. I have some shopping to do, and you two can explore the place while I'm running my errands." Vieara readily agreed, and Sophia shrugged.
"Names?" Tom asked, quill poised to fill out the hotel registration form of the Leaky Cauldron.
"Adriana, Vieara and Sophia Ivanova." Adriana dictated.
"Black." Sophia corrected sharply. "Sophia Black." Tom changed the name, but her mother stared at her, with a mixture of anger and pain on her face. But Tom was already asking the next question.
I've barely gotten here and already she's ignoring me. She's ignoring my "Black-ness", my attitude toward her. She acts as if I'm goin through some sort of phase that I'll just snap out of in a few days if maybe she ignores it.
Sophia put down the quill and sighed. She had no plans to change, at least until she got some answers.
The few days at the Leaky cauldron passed quickly, and before long, they were back in their beloved Bulgaria, Sophia seeking solitude in the open valleys and the river, Vieara becoming a fluttering social butterfly in the midst of her old friends. But a conflict was brewing and they could all feel it.
War broke out on a cool summer Saturday morning.
". . .get your stupid books off of my bed."
"Oh, shut up. Big deal, there's a book on your bed. I know you're allergic to books and all . . . but geez." Adriana tried to ignore the fight, hoping it would blow over soon.
"I am when they belong to filthy traitors!" There was a thud on the floor, as if Vieara had swept the books off her bed and onto the floor.
"Don't you dare throw my stuff. And you're the traitor here. He's OUR FATHER! How could you just ignore his existence?!"
"HE"S NOT A FATHER HE'S A MURDERING BASTARD!"
"DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM A BASTARD, YOU LITTLE PERKY BITCH." It was obvious that this particular fight was not going to blow over easily. Their mum got up, and started to climb the stairs to their rooms.
"Perky?! At least I don't walk around mourning some ASSHOLE TRAITOR WHO NEVER CARED ABOUT US!"
"Fuck you!"
Adriana opened the door.
"Great comeback." Vieara was rolling her eyes, hands on her hips. Sophia was clutching three books tenderly, eyes flashing dangerously at her sister.
"Whoa. You two. Cut the swearing, first of all. We are NOT the Wizbournes. What exactly is the problem?"
"The problem is you all act like he never existed." Sophia yelled.
"She's a traitor, that's the problem." Vieara growled at the same time.
Adriana sighed. "This he, is your father isn't it?"
Sophia nodded and Vieara flashed another dangerous look in her direction.
"I can't believe you kept something like that from us. Why didn't you tell me who he was? You don't think I deserve to know?" Sophia sank into a cross-legged position on the floor. Adriana too sat on the floor, and looked up at her other daughter. "Vieara, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?"
Vieara looked pained to leave, but nonetheless abandoned the room, slamming the door behind herself.
"Why?" Sophia repeated softly.
"Look, Sophia it's hard for me to talk about him even now. "
"Why?"
"Don't you understand? He wasn't only a Death Eater, he didn't only betray Lily and James, he betrayed me. And you. I had no idea who he was. What he was."
"He was my father. He still is my father."
"No, he isn't. He never was. He never saw you being born, he never took care of you."
"He loves me."
"How do you know? He never loved any of us. Not Lily, not James, not me, not you. If he had he wouldn't have betrayed us."
"He loves me. I know it." She insisted.
"I hate to break your heart, Sophia, but he never knew you, and he never wanted to, judging by his actions."
"Why did you keep him a secret?"
"How do you tell a couple of little girls that their father is a traitor, a murder in the darkest and scariest of prisons? Tell me."
"He's not a traitor. I love him. And I'm not a little girl. Why don't you ask Dumbledore. He did it. He told us."
"I knew he would."
"Then why didn't you tell us yourself? I didn't even know his name!"
'And now that you do? How does it change anything?"
"It changes me. It changes who I am. I am Sophia Black."
"No, you aren't. You were raised Sophia Ivanova, and you are Sophia Ivanova."
"I'm not. I'm different in case you haven't noticed, and I have a new identity now. I used to be Sophia Ivanova, a little girl shielded from her past, from secrets. But I'm Sophia Black now, a girl whose past is a part of her, who knows what's been hidden from her all theses years, and she isn't happy about it."
"It's not your past, it's my past and his past, but not yours."
"It is mine, because I am him, and I am you." She brushed her long bangs from her eyes. "Besides HE has a NAME. Sirius."
"He doesn't deserve anything. Not even a name."
"He deserves a lot more than that. He deserves to know that at least one person from his family hasn't abandoned him." She said fiercely.
"You don't get it do you? We didn't abandon him, he abandoned us!"
Sophia refused to answer. She hugged her knees instead, and played with the tips of her hair.
A few weeks later, Sophia was out in a valley, lying on her stomach drawing, when she spotted an enormous shaggy dog peeking out at her from behind the trees on the edge of the valley. It looked tired and worn, but absorbed in her. She had a feeling she'd seen it somewhere before. She didn't know where.
"Hey Pooch, C'mere doggy, doggy." She stretched a hand in its direction. The dog looked startled at the attention but trotted over to her cautiously.
"Hey there, boy. Are you a boy?" She peeked. "Yep. Boy."
She stretched out her hand and touched its muzzle. It was wet. It sniffed her hand, then licked it. She laughed.
"So, you're friendly then, eh?" The dog barked happily. She stroked its matted fur. Then she put her arms around its hungry body. "I like you. I think I'm going to keep you. " The dog licked her cheek at the words, making her laugh again.
"Wow. You are very loveable, huh?" Almost as if it understood her, the dog barked, then continued licking her face. "But we have got to get you a bath first, what do you think?"
The dog wagged its tail happily as it waited for her to gather her art supplies.
"So what am I going to name you? How about . . . Char? You know, like Charcoal. 'cause you're so black. I'm Black too. My name's Sophie Black. My dad is Sirius Black. He's in Azkaban." The dog poised it ears and cocked its head up at her. She stopped, glad for someone to talk to, someone who'd listen and not look angry or hurt at the mention of her father. "He went there before I was born, and I've never seen him. I talk to him though."
The dog barked, as if surprised. She sank into the grass, facing the dog. "He left me this notebook, and his memory is locked in it, so I get to talk to him. I want to ask him all these questions, you see, but he can't answer any of them.
The dog licked her fingers comfortingly, and she continued slowly. "Everyone believes he's this murderer, and I know I'm supposed to believe it too, I mean there's all this evidence, but something in there just isn't right, you know? He's supposed to have killed all these people, betrayed Harry's parents, but why didn't he kill us? Mum, and me and Vieara?" The dog was looking at her sympathetically and a little excitedly, wagging its tail. She shook her head. Sympathetically? Dogs can't sympathize, she scolded herself. She stared into its pale eyes, and she could have sworn she heard it think: Don't worry, I'm here.
She squeezed her eyes shut, and told herself she was hallucinating from hunger, then got up once again and headed for home, the dog at her heels.
As the Hogwarts Express wove its way through the beautiful countryside, Sophia felt growing anger toward her mother, whom she was soon going to see. She stopped staring out the window and admired her nails for a moment. I wonder what mum will think of the colour, she thought. Then she angrily balled up her hands into fists and rebelliously retorted her own question: I don't care what she thinks. She's the one who hid him from me all this time. What, did she think that I wasn't going to notice that I didn't have a father?
She pulled out a permanent marker and began doodling on her hand. In proud, enormous letters, she scribbled Daddy's Girl. She knew her mother would see it and know immediately why Sophia was angry. Or so she hoped. The last thing she wanted to do was explain. But she knew her mother would understand, she was anything but thick.
Sophia pulled out her own notebook, and began writing poetry. She often did this now, especially when she was feeling particularly angry or vulnerable.
Where were you
When I was curled up in the corner
Where were you
When I was having fits of laughter over nothing
Where were you
When there was no one whom to wipe my tears
Where were you
When I was choking over ice cubes in my throat
Where were you
When I pretended not to need you
It was about all of them. Every single one. Sirius, her mum, Vieara. She was seething, fueled more and more with her own self-pity. She had the oddest flash, a picture of shaggy dog swimming tiredly in dark choppy waters. Pain flashed through her temples.
"Would you like some pumpkin pasties, dear?" The food cart. It snapped her out of her moment. She regained control of herself.
"I'd like three Chocolate Frogs, please." She answered as pleasantly as she could muster. When the door of the cart slid closed, she sighed, suddenly exhausted, and unwrapped the foil wrapper of the chocolate. She broke off a piece and stuffed it into her mouth.
If only she could escape her thoughts . . .
Vieara glanced out of the window as the train neared London. She couldn't wait to be home. To wallow in the laziness of summer, to swim, talk to her old friends. She missed her mother much more than she wanted to admit even to herself.
Their mum was waiting impatiently for the train to arrive at the platform. She was knitting her hands together and pulling them apart continuously in apprehension. She was sure Dumbledore had told them. But how much did they know now? Had they changed, now that they knew who their father was?
She didn't have much time to muse. With a whistle, the train pulled in and children eagerly began to disembark. Vieara was among the first ones off, walking along with Ginny and Angel. They hugged each other goodbye, and she ran up to her mother, and gave her an enormous hug. Adriana breathed a sigh of relief. They weren't angry.
But her relief crumbled in a split second when she saw Sophia grudgingly getting off the train. The girl looked depressing, and rather depressed. She was dressed entirely in black, a worn hooded sweatshirt on top, and black baggy cargo pants on the bottom. Her waves were loose and her new bangs hid eyes, which seemed to be lined in thick black eye makeup. Her mother's breath stopped for a moment. Was this her witty little cheerful daughter? No, it couldn't be. This girl was a stranger. She knew instantly that Sophia hadn't taken the news about their father as well as Vieara had. It was obvious that she was angry, but Adriana was unsure whom the anger was directed toward. Was it for her? Or Sirius?
She felt a knot in her stomach tighten. She hadn't said his name in nearly ten years.
"Sophia!" She hugged the angry looking girl, who stood tensely in her arms, but didn't respond.
"Hullo." She said flatly, boring her charcoal rimmed eyes into her mother's with an accusing glare. Adriana pretended not to notice anything different, but involuntarily flinched at the site of the scribbles on Sophia's hand, which read Daddy's Girl proudly. Vieara shot an angry look in her sister's direction. She hated the way Sophia was upsetting their mother on purpose.
"Let's go home," Vieara announced.
"Well, actually I was thinking, why don't we stay at Diagon Alley for a couple of days. I have some shopping to do, and you two can explore the place while I'm running my errands." Vieara readily agreed, and Sophia shrugged.
"Names?" Tom asked, quill poised to fill out the hotel registration form of the Leaky Cauldron.
"Adriana, Vieara and Sophia Ivanova." Adriana dictated.
"Black." Sophia corrected sharply. "Sophia Black." Tom changed the name, but her mother stared at her, with a mixture of anger and pain on her face. But Tom was already asking the next question.
I've barely gotten here and already she's ignoring me. She's ignoring my "Black-ness", my attitude toward her. She acts as if I'm goin through some sort of phase that I'll just snap out of in a few days if maybe she ignores it.
Sophia put down the quill and sighed. She had no plans to change, at least until she got some answers.
The few days at the Leaky cauldron passed quickly, and before long, they were back in their beloved Bulgaria, Sophia seeking solitude in the open valleys and the river, Vieara becoming a fluttering social butterfly in the midst of her old friends. But a conflict was brewing and they could all feel it.
War broke out on a cool summer Saturday morning.
". . .get your stupid books off of my bed."
"Oh, shut up. Big deal, there's a book on your bed. I know you're allergic to books and all . . . but geez." Adriana tried to ignore the fight, hoping it would blow over soon.
"I am when they belong to filthy traitors!" There was a thud on the floor, as if Vieara had swept the books off her bed and onto the floor.
"Don't you dare throw my stuff. And you're the traitor here. He's OUR FATHER! How could you just ignore his existence?!"
"HE"S NOT A FATHER HE'S A MURDERING BASTARD!"
"DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM A BASTARD, YOU LITTLE PERKY BITCH." It was obvious that this particular fight was not going to blow over easily. Their mum got up, and started to climb the stairs to their rooms.
"Perky?! At least I don't walk around mourning some ASSHOLE TRAITOR WHO NEVER CARED ABOUT US!"
"Fuck you!"
Adriana opened the door.
"Great comeback." Vieara was rolling her eyes, hands on her hips. Sophia was clutching three books tenderly, eyes flashing dangerously at her sister.
"Whoa. You two. Cut the swearing, first of all. We are NOT the Wizbournes. What exactly is the problem?"
"The problem is you all act like he never existed." Sophia yelled.
"She's a traitor, that's the problem." Vieara growled at the same time.
Adriana sighed. "This he, is your father isn't it?"
Sophia nodded and Vieara flashed another dangerous look in her direction.
"I can't believe you kept something like that from us. Why didn't you tell me who he was? You don't think I deserve to know?" Sophia sank into a cross-legged position on the floor. Adriana too sat on the floor, and looked up at her other daughter. "Vieara, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?"
Vieara looked pained to leave, but nonetheless abandoned the room, slamming the door behind herself.
"Why?" Sophia repeated softly.
"Look, Sophia it's hard for me to talk about him even now. "
"Why?"
"Don't you understand? He wasn't only a Death Eater, he didn't only betray Lily and James, he betrayed me. And you. I had no idea who he was. What he was."
"He was my father. He still is my father."
"No, he isn't. He never was. He never saw you being born, he never took care of you."
"He loves me."
"How do you know? He never loved any of us. Not Lily, not James, not me, not you. If he had he wouldn't have betrayed us."
"He loves me. I know it." She insisted.
"I hate to break your heart, Sophia, but he never knew you, and he never wanted to, judging by his actions."
"Why did you keep him a secret?"
"How do you tell a couple of little girls that their father is a traitor, a murder in the darkest and scariest of prisons? Tell me."
"He's not a traitor. I love him. And I'm not a little girl. Why don't you ask Dumbledore. He did it. He told us."
"I knew he would."
"Then why didn't you tell us yourself? I didn't even know his name!"
'And now that you do? How does it change anything?"
"It changes me. It changes who I am. I am Sophia Black."
"No, you aren't. You were raised Sophia Ivanova, and you are Sophia Ivanova."
"I'm not. I'm different in case you haven't noticed, and I have a new identity now. I used to be Sophia Ivanova, a little girl shielded from her past, from secrets. But I'm Sophia Black now, a girl whose past is a part of her, who knows what's been hidden from her all theses years, and she isn't happy about it."
"It's not your past, it's my past and his past, but not yours."
"It is mine, because I am him, and I am you." She brushed her long bangs from her eyes. "Besides HE has a NAME. Sirius."
"He doesn't deserve anything. Not even a name."
"He deserves a lot more than that. He deserves to know that at least one person from his family hasn't abandoned him." She said fiercely.
"You don't get it do you? We didn't abandon him, he abandoned us!"
Sophia refused to answer. She hugged her knees instead, and played with the tips of her hair.
A few weeks later, Sophia was out in a valley, lying on her stomach drawing, when she spotted an enormous shaggy dog peeking out at her from behind the trees on the edge of the valley. It looked tired and worn, but absorbed in her. She had a feeling she'd seen it somewhere before. She didn't know where.
"Hey Pooch, C'mere doggy, doggy." She stretched a hand in its direction. The dog looked startled at the attention but trotted over to her cautiously.
"Hey there, boy. Are you a boy?" She peeked. "Yep. Boy."
She stretched out her hand and touched its muzzle. It was wet. It sniffed her hand, then licked it. She laughed.
"So, you're friendly then, eh?" The dog barked happily. She stroked its matted fur. Then she put her arms around its hungry body. "I like you. I think I'm going to keep you. " The dog licked her cheek at the words, making her laugh again.
"Wow. You are very loveable, huh?" Almost as if it understood her, the dog barked, then continued licking her face. "But we have got to get you a bath first, what do you think?"
The dog wagged its tail happily as it waited for her to gather her art supplies.
"So what am I going to name you? How about . . . Char? You know, like Charcoal. 'cause you're so black. I'm Black too. My name's Sophie Black. My dad is Sirius Black. He's in Azkaban." The dog poised it ears and cocked its head up at her. She stopped, glad for someone to talk to, someone who'd listen and not look angry or hurt at the mention of her father. "He went there before I was born, and I've never seen him. I talk to him though."
The dog barked, as if surprised. She sank into the grass, facing the dog. "He left me this notebook, and his memory is locked in it, so I get to talk to him. I want to ask him all these questions, you see, but he can't answer any of them.
The dog licked her fingers comfortingly, and she continued slowly. "Everyone believes he's this murderer, and I know I'm supposed to believe it too, I mean there's all this evidence, but something in there just isn't right, you know? He's supposed to have killed all these people, betrayed Harry's parents, but why didn't he kill us? Mum, and me and Vieara?" The dog was looking at her sympathetically and a little excitedly, wagging its tail. She shook her head. Sympathetically? Dogs can't sympathize, she scolded herself. She stared into its pale eyes, and she could have sworn she heard it think: Don't worry, I'm here.
She squeezed her eyes shut, and told herself she was hallucinating from hunger, then got up once again and headed for home, the dog at her heels.