Disclaimer: None of the Harry Potter characters are mine as they all belong
to JK Rowling. No money is being made from this and the only thing I am
getting is a means of release.
This is a stand alone one-shot that has nothing to do with my other fictions except you could sort of associate it to 'Embracing the Moon' as a memorial service but I didn't intend to bring that fic up to the OOTP times. This acts purely as my way of letting Sirius go.
This is all done in Remus Lupin's point of view and in this fic he is intended to be Sirius's lover so I apologise to those who may find this offensive but then again you don't have to read this fic so it all works out in the end.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Stop all the Clocks – One Shot
It should've been raining.
It shouldn't have been blaring sunshine that warmed the tops of people's heads, it shouldn't have been reflecting off the empty mahogany coffin that the guests had filled with little things that reminded them of Sirius. It shouldn't have been warm and alive with birds whistling in the trees because he wasn't...not anymore.
I stood still, unmoving. I'm not even sure if I blinked...if Harry blinked. He's sitting beside me silently with his lips in a thin line. I'm pretty sure I resembled his tight-lipped appearance.
Can you see him Sirius? Can you see me? Look at your Godson Sirius my love. He's a man now. He's grown taller now, almost my height and you know what...he reminds me of you. You used to say he was the closet thing to a baby boy you were going to get, so I'll love him like a son...because you had that opportunity stolen from you.
It really shouldn't have been this sunny but maybe you wanted that. A celebration of life, remember the good times right? It'll get better, the pain will lessen over time...
...People only say that when bad things happen, have you noticed? I have. The Weasleys offer their sympathy, Dumbledore had deadened that glint in his eye, and Tonks has turned her hair black. Snape for his part has made no snide remarks and everyone else has told me how sorry they are.
Then they go home to their families as they prepare to eat around a table all together. But I do not hate them for this, how could I wish ill upon the survivors?
Harry though has surprised me through and through. You remember last year, how angry he was at everything? How moody or introverted he had become? He's not like that anymore...well I say that but he is to everyone else. Just not me.
I asked him about it before we came to this memorial, do you know what he said?
'Because we're the only two people who truly know what has been taken from us.'
And he's right. Everyone else says how sorry they are but they don't know you like how we did. Harry knew you as a friend, a father, a brother...I knew you as my friend, my Lover, my mate.
Dumbledores up on the podium now, he's telling everyone about what a brave young man you were and that you will be sorely missed...only with more words of course. I briefly wonder if that's what he'll say about me should I fall in battle.
He's missing a lot out about you...it's not purposely, it's just he doesn't know some things about you like I do.
Like the fact that you liked four teaspoons of sugar in your tea despite my grimaces, or that you must always sleep on the right side of the bed no matter how much we wrestled for it.
A scene of two young adults throwing pillows at one another flickers across my mind and the barest flitter of a smile twitches the corner of my mouth. But at the same time my gaze is becoming mistier. I glance at Harry out of the corner of his eye to see he is going to lose his little fight. His eyebrows are already knitting together and his lip will give an almost invisible quiver as he pushes back the tears forming in his green eyes.
He was the one that pulled me together you know. I had yelled at him and he helped me. After I had seen him off at the station after his fifth year I returned to Grimmauld Place and crawled under the sheets of your bed.
I wept...for days.
My hair became limp around my face the way hair does when one cries. My eyes have never stung so badly but it was nothing to the ache in my chest love. When I had seen you fall through that veil you must have grabbed my heart where you are always with me and ripped it away with you.
The light sheets of your bed smelt of you and if I concentrated hard enough I could feel you lying beside me like you do, laughing like you did that morning before...before you went away. We had spent the whole night together, talking, making love and in some occasions acting like our 17-year-old selves as we wrestled.
But nothing lasts forever right? You told me that once in a moment of dark thoughtful moments.
Merlin how I miss you love.
I'm sorry, I was telling you about how your Godson came to revive me. I fell off track again didn't I? You said you used to find that endearing, that I reminded you of a woman. Of course then I'd hit you as you laughed and dodged my little slaps.
So I refused to move. Food was brought to my room but whoever brought it obviously couldn't bring themselves to speak to me. I stayed in a frayed pair of slack and I always wore one of your shirts. I needed your scent like how a drug addict would need a hit.
So I remained in my shielded world of white blankets, numbly hearing when Harry arrived downstairs. Either someone told him to leave me be or what not but either way I didn't see him for up to a week until I woke around midnight one night ravenous all of a sudden. Slowly, my legs clicking after not being used for so long I got up and went downstairs meeting no one on my way.
But that's where I found Harry, a candle lit as his glasses rested on the tip of his nose whilst he scanned some piece of parchment. He looked up when he heard the door open and pushed his glasses back up his nose.
I sneaked a peek at the parchment to find it was estimations for various funeral arrangements...flowers, guests etc. Strangely, I still can't work out why, but this angered me.
I had heard all week the muffled sounds of people preparing for your memorial and it had slowly grated at me. Did they not care you were gone? That this 'memorial' to them was just another choir? I hadn't even heard Harry cry yet and instead I had heard his voice talking of a coffin.
I had looked up angrily then askied him what he was doing. Maybe I had wanted to hurt him, he should've been a wreck like me. He looked at me startled as he stood slowly.
"Don't you care?" I had yelled causing his looks of confusion to intensify. If I hadn't been blinded so much by childish anger I would've seen the pain flicker like a light in his eyes.
He had insisted that he did care but he had to do this that he had to work.
I had looked away fuming then back at him, my fists curled into balls. I told him he obviously didn't care if he had to do this. He looked tired, like he was worn out from the work...that really love, I should've been doing, not him...never him.
I remember seeing his eyes getting glassier and this was satisfying. Now he knew my pain I had thought bitterly. You don't know how much I hate myself now for even thinking that.
I told him that maybe he should get someone else to do it, as it was obviously not that important, after all he was only clearing up after your mess I had said.
He had hit me so hard then.
Tears had streamed down his face as I clutched my cheek. I watched in both guilt and pain as this boy finally broke in front of me.
He had sobbed that he had to do this because he had found out that whilst he'd been alone doing nothing in 4 Privet Drive, he had continuously wept. He needed to do something because if he stopped it meant you were really gone.
I had begun to cry then too as I stepped forwards and initiated what I should've done a long time ago. I held him close as we both fell to the floor, crying over our beloved.
I'm sorry I said such things to your pup Sirius. But grief can overcome us sometimes and we do things we will later regret.
I had helped then, like the adult that Harry needed as we worked together to ensure you were remembered the right way love.
Harry's lost now, he's crying beside me but he is still silent, only his tears slipping down his face. This time I'll be strong for him.
I hear Dumbledore utter my name and I look up. Harry turns to me and despite the tears staining his face he leans over to hug me, offering his silent strength in return.
I stand shakily and it almost feels like I'm moving in slow motion to the podium. My hands are trembling as I turn to face everyone and I grip the podium stand. Your picture is smiling at me on the table beside me and I can't help but look at you for a moment.
Dumbledore whispers my name and I turn back to the people who have come to see you Sirius my love...they all miss you too, in one way or another. I clear my throat as I try to concentrate on not releasing the tears that have stained the rims of my eyes red.
"Sirius was...he was a unique man in every aspect of his life," I look down at Harry and he smiles at me through his tears, "He always strived to be best of who he could be, whether as a friend, as a beloved Godfather...or as a lover...my lover."
I look back at his picture again and this time people wait silently for me to continue, to compose myself.
"He was passionate, which sometimes led him into danger but most of the time it captivated people with his constant excitement of life. Sirius WAS life."
I look into the open coffin where little things like childhood pictures and related things lay peacefully.
"I have never been one to truly be...be able to express what I am feeling so I have required the help of Sirius's favourite poet, W H Auden..."
I pulled out a piece of parchment from my pocket and unravelled it, straightening it a little more then was required as I fought back those tears again. The silence became heavier as I began to speak.
"'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come."
I cleared my throat once more as I pushed the lump in my throat back down. My voice though was still lush with unshed tears as I shakily continued.
"' Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows around the white necks of the Public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
I could feel the tears that had escaped running down my cheeks and quickly I looked at Harry who seemed in a similar state.
"'The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun:
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can come to any good."
I finished and the room was bathed in a heavy silence broken only by sobs here and there. I gave a trembling incline of my head then stepped down. Harry stood to greet me and we hugged before sitting down once more.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
They lowered the closed coffin into the ground as we all stand around, your closest friends' love, we watch and bid you safe journey to the Summerlands.
Everyone begins to drift away until only Harry and I remain. He moves forward to place a single white Lily on your grave. I opted for a rose but Harry seems to have a thing for Lilies.
He moves back then and we look at one another. I silently ask for a moment alone, he silently answering he'll wait in the car.
Jesus Sirius, How am I going to do this? I'm not made to be a parent and yet you've left him in my care. I'll do my best of course but...but I don't think I'll be able to do what you did.
But you'll watch me right? Tell me when I'm doing something wrong or right?
...No, of course not. I have to this on my own.
I'll do it love, for both of us and Harry. You just promise me one thing...
You wait for me when I get there. Because then I'll know then if I got into heaven, because that's where all the loved ones go. That's where all the angels go.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
AN I'm terribly sorry to inflict that on everyone but I've been in this, I don't know, sullen mood for a while and this has helped as I shed a few tears writing it. I don't know why I'm sad though.
This is a stand alone one-shot that has nothing to do with my other fictions except you could sort of associate it to 'Embracing the Moon' as a memorial service but I didn't intend to bring that fic up to the OOTP times. This acts purely as my way of letting Sirius go.
This is all done in Remus Lupin's point of view and in this fic he is intended to be Sirius's lover so I apologise to those who may find this offensive but then again you don't have to read this fic so it all works out in the end.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Stop all the Clocks – One Shot
It should've been raining.
It shouldn't have been blaring sunshine that warmed the tops of people's heads, it shouldn't have been reflecting off the empty mahogany coffin that the guests had filled with little things that reminded them of Sirius. It shouldn't have been warm and alive with birds whistling in the trees because he wasn't...not anymore.
I stood still, unmoving. I'm not even sure if I blinked...if Harry blinked. He's sitting beside me silently with his lips in a thin line. I'm pretty sure I resembled his tight-lipped appearance.
Can you see him Sirius? Can you see me? Look at your Godson Sirius my love. He's a man now. He's grown taller now, almost my height and you know what...he reminds me of you. You used to say he was the closet thing to a baby boy you were going to get, so I'll love him like a son...because you had that opportunity stolen from you.
It really shouldn't have been this sunny but maybe you wanted that. A celebration of life, remember the good times right? It'll get better, the pain will lessen over time...
...People only say that when bad things happen, have you noticed? I have. The Weasleys offer their sympathy, Dumbledore had deadened that glint in his eye, and Tonks has turned her hair black. Snape for his part has made no snide remarks and everyone else has told me how sorry they are.
Then they go home to their families as they prepare to eat around a table all together. But I do not hate them for this, how could I wish ill upon the survivors?
Harry though has surprised me through and through. You remember last year, how angry he was at everything? How moody or introverted he had become? He's not like that anymore...well I say that but he is to everyone else. Just not me.
I asked him about it before we came to this memorial, do you know what he said?
'Because we're the only two people who truly know what has been taken from us.'
And he's right. Everyone else says how sorry they are but they don't know you like how we did. Harry knew you as a friend, a father, a brother...I knew you as my friend, my Lover, my mate.
Dumbledores up on the podium now, he's telling everyone about what a brave young man you were and that you will be sorely missed...only with more words of course. I briefly wonder if that's what he'll say about me should I fall in battle.
He's missing a lot out about you...it's not purposely, it's just he doesn't know some things about you like I do.
Like the fact that you liked four teaspoons of sugar in your tea despite my grimaces, or that you must always sleep on the right side of the bed no matter how much we wrestled for it.
A scene of two young adults throwing pillows at one another flickers across my mind and the barest flitter of a smile twitches the corner of my mouth. But at the same time my gaze is becoming mistier. I glance at Harry out of the corner of his eye to see he is going to lose his little fight. His eyebrows are already knitting together and his lip will give an almost invisible quiver as he pushes back the tears forming in his green eyes.
He was the one that pulled me together you know. I had yelled at him and he helped me. After I had seen him off at the station after his fifth year I returned to Grimmauld Place and crawled under the sheets of your bed.
I wept...for days.
My hair became limp around my face the way hair does when one cries. My eyes have never stung so badly but it was nothing to the ache in my chest love. When I had seen you fall through that veil you must have grabbed my heart where you are always with me and ripped it away with you.
The light sheets of your bed smelt of you and if I concentrated hard enough I could feel you lying beside me like you do, laughing like you did that morning before...before you went away. We had spent the whole night together, talking, making love and in some occasions acting like our 17-year-old selves as we wrestled.
But nothing lasts forever right? You told me that once in a moment of dark thoughtful moments.
Merlin how I miss you love.
I'm sorry, I was telling you about how your Godson came to revive me. I fell off track again didn't I? You said you used to find that endearing, that I reminded you of a woman. Of course then I'd hit you as you laughed and dodged my little slaps.
So I refused to move. Food was brought to my room but whoever brought it obviously couldn't bring themselves to speak to me. I stayed in a frayed pair of slack and I always wore one of your shirts. I needed your scent like how a drug addict would need a hit.
So I remained in my shielded world of white blankets, numbly hearing when Harry arrived downstairs. Either someone told him to leave me be or what not but either way I didn't see him for up to a week until I woke around midnight one night ravenous all of a sudden. Slowly, my legs clicking after not being used for so long I got up and went downstairs meeting no one on my way.
But that's where I found Harry, a candle lit as his glasses rested on the tip of his nose whilst he scanned some piece of parchment. He looked up when he heard the door open and pushed his glasses back up his nose.
I sneaked a peek at the parchment to find it was estimations for various funeral arrangements...flowers, guests etc. Strangely, I still can't work out why, but this angered me.
I had heard all week the muffled sounds of people preparing for your memorial and it had slowly grated at me. Did they not care you were gone? That this 'memorial' to them was just another choir? I hadn't even heard Harry cry yet and instead I had heard his voice talking of a coffin.
I had looked up angrily then askied him what he was doing. Maybe I had wanted to hurt him, he should've been a wreck like me. He looked at me startled as he stood slowly.
"Don't you care?" I had yelled causing his looks of confusion to intensify. If I hadn't been blinded so much by childish anger I would've seen the pain flicker like a light in his eyes.
He had insisted that he did care but he had to do this that he had to work.
I had looked away fuming then back at him, my fists curled into balls. I told him he obviously didn't care if he had to do this. He looked tired, like he was worn out from the work...that really love, I should've been doing, not him...never him.
I remember seeing his eyes getting glassier and this was satisfying. Now he knew my pain I had thought bitterly. You don't know how much I hate myself now for even thinking that.
I told him that maybe he should get someone else to do it, as it was obviously not that important, after all he was only clearing up after your mess I had said.
He had hit me so hard then.
Tears had streamed down his face as I clutched my cheek. I watched in both guilt and pain as this boy finally broke in front of me.
He had sobbed that he had to do this because he had found out that whilst he'd been alone doing nothing in 4 Privet Drive, he had continuously wept. He needed to do something because if he stopped it meant you were really gone.
I had begun to cry then too as I stepped forwards and initiated what I should've done a long time ago. I held him close as we both fell to the floor, crying over our beloved.
I'm sorry I said such things to your pup Sirius. But grief can overcome us sometimes and we do things we will later regret.
I had helped then, like the adult that Harry needed as we worked together to ensure you were remembered the right way love.
Harry's lost now, he's crying beside me but he is still silent, only his tears slipping down his face. This time I'll be strong for him.
I hear Dumbledore utter my name and I look up. Harry turns to me and despite the tears staining his face he leans over to hug me, offering his silent strength in return.
I stand shakily and it almost feels like I'm moving in slow motion to the podium. My hands are trembling as I turn to face everyone and I grip the podium stand. Your picture is smiling at me on the table beside me and I can't help but look at you for a moment.
Dumbledore whispers my name and I turn back to the people who have come to see you Sirius my love...they all miss you too, in one way or another. I clear my throat as I try to concentrate on not releasing the tears that have stained the rims of my eyes red.
"Sirius was...he was a unique man in every aspect of his life," I look down at Harry and he smiles at me through his tears, "He always strived to be best of who he could be, whether as a friend, as a beloved Godfather...or as a lover...my lover."
I look back at his picture again and this time people wait silently for me to continue, to compose myself.
"He was passionate, which sometimes led him into danger but most of the time it captivated people with his constant excitement of life. Sirius WAS life."
I look into the open coffin where little things like childhood pictures and related things lay peacefully.
"I have never been one to truly be...be able to express what I am feeling so I have required the help of Sirius's favourite poet, W H Auden..."
I pulled out a piece of parchment from my pocket and unravelled it, straightening it a little more then was required as I fought back those tears again. The silence became heavier as I began to speak.
"'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come."
I cleared my throat once more as I pushed the lump in my throat back down. My voice though was still lush with unshed tears as I shakily continued.
"' Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows around the white necks of the Public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."
I could feel the tears that had escaped running down my cheeks and quickly I looked at Harry who seemed in a similar state.
"'The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun:
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can come to any good."
I finished and the room was bathed in a heavy silence broken only by sobs here and there. I gave a trembling incline of my head then stepped down. Harry stood to greet me and we hugged before sitting down once more.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
They lowered the closed coffin into the ground as we all stand around, your closest friends' love, we watch and bid you safe journey to the Summerlands.
Everyone begins to drift away until only Harry and I remain. He moves forward to place a single white Lily on your grave. I opted for a rose but Harry seems to have a thing for Lilies.
He moves back then and we look at one another. I silently ask for a moment alone, he silently answering he'll wait in the car.
Jesus Sirius, How am I going to do this? I'm not made to be a parent and yet you've left him in my care. I'll do my best of course but...but I don't think I'll be able to do what you did.
But you'll watch me right? Tell me when I'm doing something wrong or right?
...No, of course not. I have to this on my own.
I'll do it love, for both of us and Harry. You just promise me one thing...
You wait for me when I get there. Because then I'll know then if I got into heaven, because that's where all the loved ones go. That's where all the angels go.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
AN I'm terribly sorry to inflict that on everyone but I've been in this, I don't know, sullen mood for a while and this has helped as I shed a few tears writing it. I don't know why I'm sad though.