A/N: Tajeri Lynn blasts you to Chapter 1 of the wild ride called "Say Uncle". Bring in whatever your stomach craves at the movies; popcorn, brownies, drinks, or tamales, it don't matter. "Say Uncle" follows the J-Team's search for the amnesiac Uncle Chan across all of San Francisco, stuffed as always with a surprise at every alley.
"Jackie Chan Adventures" is the brainchild of Adelaide, Kids WB, and the Chan Man himself.
The Extremo Luchadore also invites you to read "Genma Hiryumusha", a fic only available in the site of a wonderful senorita named Belit-Spleef. (Visit her at Spleeferz.com) Actually, it's a sequel to "SBTW" (sorry, no lemons here) and is major AU. Check it out if you can.
But this is "Say Uncle", so now, let's go out there and say, "Uncle!"
Say Uncle
Chapter 1: The Bungled Uncle
Morning rose and the crisp ocean breeze rose over San Francisco's newly constructed Civic Center, its grand opening infusing the modern-day staples of Asian pop culture, a concept which, until recently, was abandoned to tiny shops squeezed in between homogeneous mega-stores of America. But now that the Asian minority was growing in the states, including the growth of their influence in television, film, novels and all else called entertainment, it was deemed honorable that such a city-wide event would make their impact known.
Honor? So that was what they'd call an honor? As opposed to seeing Karenoke and the Yodelling Kabukis perform on the release date of their third album? Not a chance, so thought Mama Tohru. The pudgy matriarch of the Tohru family had come by the city again, a purse clutched around one hand while her aged eyes skimmed through all these confusing wares that teenagers were pondering for. Wait a minute, teenagers? Obviously, anything for the teenagers weren't meant for her. Better retreat before some screaming girls start trampling over Mama Tohru in search of shojo mangas and the like. Mama Tohru was quite upset about how few parents were attending the children running amok in the convention. Why were elders now so lost in their heads? Mama Tohru thought a little more knocking and a little less talking would do the trick, not that she ever had that with her hefty, complacent son…
Bah! 2 hours now? 2 hours before Karenoke and the Yodelling Kabukis would start singing their hearts out with their intricate melody? This was so headachy! So Mama Tohru paced, slippers making clink-clank noises over the dark mats veiling sea blue concrete, and onion-shaped noggin musing over the flickering fluorescent lights, shining windows connected on multilevel grids of the walls, and of course, merchandise and services strewn from tables laden in candy-colored drapes.
"Say, miss, wanna buy this lovely foot massage? Oomph!"
Mama Tohru was grateful of her lightning-quick fists. They were the most effective pesticide against persistent salesmen following her every move. One backhand, and they would collapse cross-legged. How she wished for Jackie's Uncle to stop by around this convention. Her shotokan karate skills had sharpened to the hilt of her wiggly feet. She was more than ready to show the goat the power of a roach.
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He thought meeting her was a disease.
Only this time he was a disease.
All he ever knew was magic must defeat magic.
Perhaps poison can defeat poison….
Was worth the chance…
He tip-toed behind Mama Tohru and propped a finger on Mama Tohru's back.
"Yeee-!" Mama Tohru gnarled her face and rose her palms threateningly. She paused her palms as she came upon the façade of Jackie's Uncle. "Ah, Billy Goat! Welcome to see you. So, you now fan of Kare Noke and Yodelling Kabukis?"
But Uncle, as always, had nothing spare for jokes. Uncle was half-delirious, half-afraid. "Kare Noke still a jumble! Still 'yowa yewa wah wee wo', or whatever! But no time for that! I need your assistance!"
"Oh, what for? Little lamb lost? Huh, no surprise there. Near-sighted mule should've brought young shepherd for directions."
He grew impatient. "Jade is at home, as is my nephew. I must call him! Must spare your phone!"
"Huff! So now, the billy goat's become a penny-snatcher! -GASP"
"Hand me the phone now!" Uncle was raising a golden handled sword. He had been concealing the weapon beneath an acrylic zipper jacket, a rare choice of costume for the aged salesman. All of a sudden, his eyelids slit the retinas of loam brown, and the voice he grumbled was thick, threatening and tyrannical.
But Mama Tohru only took the threat as a masterful taunt. "Heh! Such is you to bring bite and bark against me! You may have long bruised my bark, Billy Goat, but my bite's been having a warmup!" Her knuckles scrunched by themselves, wound up readily for a potent barrage of butt whup.
"Hey, no crowding in the walkway, you two…Holy Shit!" A rookie police guard saw Uncle's hands gripped around the sword. The convention never permitted any such artifacts for the event, and definitely not one being pointed at a helpless old woman with her hands raised up in surrender.
The guard shoved a yelling Mama Tohru out of harm's way and snagged her place, pointing a revolver at Uncle. "I don't know what you want, old man, but killing her ain't gonna cut it. Drop the sword down!"
"Or what, child?!" Uncle boomed arrogantly. "Did you ever stop to question how this sword escaped your technology?"
"The metal detectors…," the twentysomething guard narrowed his eyebrows. "…How'd you zip past them?"
"Simple answer. This sword has not an ounce of metal!" He pried the sword centimeter by centimeter off the concrete.
BANG! The guard went for the senior's arm, but Uncle soundlessly zipped the sword, arching the smoking blade semi-circularly. The bullet pinged off the parrying blade and was sent smashing through the ceiling's light fixtures.
"Everyone out n-!" the guard cried out, until his warning cry was muted out as Uncle slammed the broad end of the handle smack-dab onto the guard's neck, momentarily cutting off his circulation. 'Twas enough, though, for the guard to fall a motionless heap on the carpets.
"What's gotten into you?!" Mama Tohru roared. "Selling junk's made your mind into junk?"
The busted lights showered an impassioned Uncle as he pointed his sword upward and laughed evilly, speaking in a gravelly voice hardly similar to Uncle's! "Ha ha hah! I am no junk seller, old woman! I am Kirishima, future overlord of the Nihon Empire, and soon the world! I will devour your souls! I am larger than life! I am a living legend! I am-Urk!"
Captain Black utilized his well-adorned muscles and dragged Uncle's right arm, sending the elder crumpling downward. He saw the tinkling sword and kicked it out of the way. He grabbed a pair of service handcuffs from his coat pockets, shaking his head when he realized of all the people he could arrest, this old friend was long among the least likely candidates.
"You are under arrest," Black jabbed one knee on Uncle's back before raising his bony arms. A curious public swarmed across the voyeuristically criminal sight. Mama Tohru was rudely shoveled off from even peering her head at the man who threatened her.
"I see you have caught me, youngster, but can you hold me?" Uncle smiled. His heels swung around and sent a shocked Captain Black crashing cheek-first onto a few crates. Uncle threw away the cuffs before giving a snort. "Picking on my business, fellow guard? Well, one good deed deserves another!"
Black slid his stunned face down the crates, and while he was sliding, Uncle summoned the sword to fly back to his hands. The crowd screamed as he readied a fatal swing of the purplish blade until Jackie the archaeologist leapt up readied a solid sole on Uncle's chest, giving a quick but certainly not brutish push that left Uncle teeter-tottering in front of him.
Jackie widened his eyebrows pitifully. "Uncle, it's me, your nephew Jackie!" he addressed to the cursed old man.
"I got nothing to do with anyone's uncle. But if you were to say uncle, I'd be so delighted," Uncle rushed in and hacked several quick-as-a-flash slices against Jackie.
Jackie grabbed some books and held them before Uncle, but the old man only had intentions of cutting through the bounds of paper in hopes of cutting through live, human flesh. "Uncle!" Jackie desperately begged as he lobbed a stack of mangas beside him, sending literary missles at his beloved elder. "Uncle, you love books so much! You wouldn't want to destroy books, would you?"
Barely regaining his wind, Black looked at the fluttering illustrations carpeting the whole floor. "Jackie, you're not going to get anywhere with 'Fushigi Yugi'!"
"Gesundheit," Jackie turned to the Captain, as he grabbed a fold-up table and scooted it into the direction of Uncle's slash. The sword nailed deep into the wood, leaving Uncle to grunt as he wrested the sword from the bested furniture.
Immediately sensing opportunity, Jackie raised his potent fingers and tickled Uncle's armpits, forcing Kirishima to chortle childishly and wiggle his hands at the tingling feeling. The crowd laughed back in turn; they thought this was an action comedy. That gave time for Jackie to grab the sword and hastily point the weapon before a raging and recovering Uncle could run into it. Pausing at the tip, Uncle only gave a contemptuous smile. The crowd became twice as entertained.
The crowd began talking to each other.
"We watching a movie set?"
"Then why aren't we being moved off?"
"Perhaps we're being shot unknowingly so we won't get paid."
"Cheapskate Hollywood!"
Captain Black, who shook the equilibrium back into his brain, almost snagged his revolver against Uncle, but the curious crowd made his target all the more riskier to strike. "This is police business," he outburst. "Move out of the way!"
"No, no, no, words aren't going to cut it. I don't know if actions speak louder than words. But they sure hurt more!" Uncle twitched a disapproving finger. Jackie solemnly emphasized his focus on the finger gesture, which, as he expected, transformed into a balled fist that nearly smashed his square nose. Knowing that hacking at Uncle was a stupid venture, Jackie grabbed the wrist of his Uncle and both men hobbled in their respective backwards motions, the result being a misshapen tug of war with Uncle's arm.
"I don't want to hurt you!" Jackie yelled ferociously, as he carefully used the broad end of the sword to block Kirishima's determined use of the free hand.
The blocks hurt Kirishima much worse than anticipated. Then again, his host was somewhat past his prime. He began rattling his fist off the pain. "Of course you want to hurt me! You only find it wrong to hurt an old, decrepit man!"
"Then I'll take the pleasure! Hyah!" Jade sent her little red sneaker twisting Uncle's face towards the floor. Uncle spat some sticky saliva that got lopped on his lips before he collapsed.
"BWAH! Jade!" Jackie held his hands to his cheeks in immediate dismay. "You hit Uncle!"
Jade frowned annoyingly at her uncle. "Ch, well how else were we supposed to exorcise him, Jackie, give him the talisman like it was his birthday?"
"Urgh! If you're here, did Tohru bring the Horse Talisman with him?"
"Yes, I have!" The giant sumo ran into the convention, shaking its entire structure with the talisman in his hand. He and Jade were fishing the talisman off the vault while Black and Jackie followed Uncle's trail. "Is he down?"
Black grabbed the unconscious Uncle, while a lone onlooker shouted, "Police brutality!" The Captain ignored the statement and replied to Tohru, "Hopefully this is enough for the Horse Talisman to take its effect. Sorry we took your uncle so harshly, Jackie."
"We'd been more sorry if that hadn't been done," Jackie replied matter-of-factly. But an unseen hand grabbed the brim of his blue shirt and suddenly flipped it over his face, muffling any sight of where anyone stood.
"Chan, watch where you're swinging that sword!" Tohru yelled. But Chan felt a hefty push and ended up bumping into the 600-pound sumo, who, eyes hopelessly set at the Sword of Kirishima, fearfully raised the talisman away from blade's length. From there, another hand squeezed into Tohru's hand and pried open the talisman, flicking it into the curious crowd, who backed up and watched its octagonal form bounce across the floor.
A confused Tohru looked up and saw an orange glove with cute white buttons, crawling on the slips normally used to encase one's fingers! This glove was motioning alive!
The glove flopped down to the sleek surface and then darted itself up, like a rubbery octopus zipping through seawater at ease. At its speed, it struck the bottom of the sword handle, allowing the entire weapon to be removed from Chan's hands and slide across the concrete close to where Black was pinning Uncle.
The sound of the metal-less blade hitting the concrete aroused Kirishima Uncle from his slumber. Uncle opened those horrible brown eyes and spun Black around, even while the Captain had a grip of a bear's. Black reluctantly flew in mid-air, where Uncle sent his gray-haired head planted onto Black's stomach before thrusting the elite officer down to the merciless impact of the concrete. Captain Black lost his grip and twitched in a slight convulsion for his spine took a not-so-generous portion of the damage.
Jade dashed her lithesome best to snatch the sword before evil Uncle could regain a grip on it. The orange glove grabbed her shoes and was joined by a second, near identical glove in tugging her feet in an awry pace. Jade collapsed and gave a small grunt, gasping as Uncle grabbed the sword and laughed with all his hearty coldness.
"What a useless charade you all came up with!" Kirishima spoke. "Might as well say my farewell. Oh no, I have spoken plenty for the day. Let my blade do the tal-king!" Concluding in a very Uncle-like jeer, he spun the blade from one tip of the convention's ceiling to another, and seemingly, the blade extended its purple hilt across the ceiling, gnarling the domed roof in half!
The ceiling rumbled insanely as the dome was losing an integral factor in its supports. Choking at the billowing clouds of dust and exploding stonework, the crowds now knew this was no movie. It was as horribly real as the adrenaline taking the best out of them. Men, women and children were scattering like helpless ants as San Francisco's center came tumbling forth, ready to swallow even Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black…
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"Ha ha ha!" a departing Uncle bellowed his throat out as the fading rumbles felt like a gentle massage to the aching tendons long worn by time. The dust from the dome smoked the whole streets, providing him the needed advantage of jumping off a sewer manhole without being seen. He readily turned to an alleyway where no one will suspect his presence of any wrong-doing. "Foolish simple folk! No man could ever take me prisoner! UNF!"
A double-ax handle thwacked the hind of his neck, and again the supposedly fearsome being of Kirishima shut down as Uncle crashed onto a half-full trash can, the detestable contents spilling across the unconscious body.
The orange gloves had done their work, only this time, they were under the tight possession of a slender woman's hands. "Well," the woman perked in an English accent, "for once, a man was being honest."
To Be Continued…
A/N: To P.I.B. Somebody knows what I mean. Trust me, amigos.
Okay, this chap's don't got much to explain, but all'll be done in time. Onward to next time!