A/N: here is the diary during the third book in the song of the lioness
series, The Woman Who Rides Like a Man, and I hope you enjoy it. And I
would love any sort of reviews, flames included, because at least that
means you read it. No review is too short or too long, and if someone would
respond to my challenge (write a story that involves a giant ENORMOUS
strawberry waffle, I would write you a lovely extraordinarily long review
and add you to my favorites list of both stories and authors....
hinthintnudgenudgewinkwink say no more ; D so to make I short and
sweet, here it is, please review, and write about strawberry waffles, dam...
I mean, dangit!!
Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me except for Jon's diary itself, and
the bbq potato chips I'm munching whilst I write
Day 710 (scrawled across page) IF YOU EVER DARE CALL ME SQUIRT AGAIN, YOU WILL BECOME A BLOT ON THE PRACTICE COURTS, YOU HEAR ME?! -ALANNA
Apparently Squirt Alanna read part of my diary. Must not have read all of what I said though. If she did then would currently be dangling by my toes from halfway up Balor's Needle. Will not test the blot theory. Will think of new nickname, if possible... call Alanna until then....
Day 713: who am I kidding. Squirt suits her too well. Will have palace mages spell diary so only I can open it.
Day 748: Squirt sent message from Bazhir. Wants me to become some voice thingee or something. Sounds stupid. Don't want to do it, so won't. If questioned, will claim out of postage stamps.
Day 753: Daddy found letter. Says must go. Builds character. Told him I have none. Got spanked and sent to my room. Mom said was being immature and hence deserved the spanking. I say she's smoking something.
Day 756: have started dumb journey. Packed plenty of suntan lotion and fireworks. Plan to make dramatic entrance.
Day 757: Coram stupid. Lit fireworks while drunk. Set two trees on fire and started a small brush fire. Luckily, storm cloud right overhead, and put out blaze before much could be incinerated. Hate Coram. Will put frog in his bedroll next opportunity.
Day 758: have decided to marry Squirt. That'll teach mom and dad. Also, as Squirt not the brightest lamp on the table, can easily get to intimidate mom and dad into giving me what I want, even when they are in bad mood. Squirt also might actually become important for once in her life, too. Will do wonders for my bad-boy reputation. Can you get any more rebellious without being disowned? Suppose could smoke something... nah... mom creepy when high, so don't want to do that. Besides, awfully inconvenient to have to tote stuff around. Might get caught with it and would then have to write one of those dumb essays on responsibilities of royal status. Will stick with the marriage thing.
Day 763: Told Myles and Coram today. They told me to just shut my mouth for once during this entire trip. Offered them brandy... V. big mistake. Now can't get them to shut up. Note to self: Give away all liquor as friendship token to tribal native people we are visiting. I wonder if they wear grass skirts?
Day 783: Arrived at Bazhir camp. Locals snatched liquor from me and backed away slowly, making sign against evil. Superstitious little buggers, no? Got it on with Alanna in tent. She still hasn't seen through me yet. Either I am really really good at this, or she is really really dumb or she just doesn't understand anything related to intimacy and how people use it for power. Am so noble to take her under my royal wing. Am such a good person. Am soooooo perfect. Wait, a chipped nail. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Wonder if Bazhirs have salons? Later: everyone I asked turned around and ran when they heard my question. Maybe shouldn't have asked guys....
Day 784: Got challenged by some stupid tribesman. Whupped his butt thanks to some v. cool Shang moves picked up from some wolf dude. Or was it Leopard? No, it was definitely chicken... oh I dunno. Some random Shang dude who came to palace. He scratched me with his knife though. teardrop it hurt.... Squirt fussed over me like a mother hen. Even made clucking noises (not on purpose, I don't think) v. entertaining. clucked back at her. She didn't get it, so got socked in the jaw really hard and now she won't share her bruise balm. Stupid female.
Day 796: Didn't want to go to lessons with loser voice dude today, so Squirt bitched me out in front of entire tribe. I swear she sounds just like my stoner parents sometimes. However, later this evening, she believed my contrite act. Am so good it's scary.
Day 802: became voice today. In doing so killed other dude. Almost felt guilty. Am giving up this cutting habit. Especially in front of other people. And when I am wearing nice clothes. I have ruined over six outfits with these stupid rituals and don't even get the adrenaline rush they all claim to get when doing it. Side note: I might be schizo. Hearing lots and lots of voices, all of them complaining or asking me to do something. Later: talked to Coram. Said part of being voice. Was like, "Oh." Felt kind of stupid so went and picked on some little kid. Feel much better.
Day 805: tried to leave today and take Squirt with me. Squirt blew her top. No, understatement. Had Coram not held her back, Tortall would currently be heirless. Or rather, it would have many many many small itsy bitsy pieces of an heir. Don't understand this though. Who wouldn't want to marry me and become queen? Think about it: I'm perfect, the queen is second in power only to the king, royalty has a life of luxury, everybody has to grovel at our feet and kiss our butts incessantly and do whatever we want them to, get to kill people we don't like, (or at least make their lives miserable), I'm a perfection in and of myself, you get a kick-butt wardrobe and a staff to attend your every whim, and did I mention I'm perfect? So who in their right mind wouldn't want to be queen?! Ah, well, guess it's time for my favorite sport trumpets (Announcer Voice): Make Squirt Squirm! I believe I will go out with the first chesty blonde bimbo I meet just to tick Squirt off and make her jealous. hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.
Day 710 (scrawled across page) IF YOU EVER DARE CALL ME SQUIRT AGAIN, YOU WILL BECOME A BLOT ON THE PRACTICE COURTS, YOU HEAR ME?! -ALANNA
Apparently Squirt Alanna read part of my diary. Must not have read all of what I said though. If she did then would currently be dangling by my toes from halfway up Balor's Needle. Will not test the blot theory. Will think of new nickname, if possible... call Alanna until then....
Day 713: who am I kidding. Squirt suits her too well. Will have palace mages spell diary so only I can open it.
Day 748: Squirt sent message from Bazhir. Wants me to become some voice thingee or something. Sounds stupid. Don't want to do it, so won't. If questioned, will claim out of postage stamps.
Day 753: Daddy found letter. Says must go. Builds character. Told him I have none. Got spanked and sent to my room. Mom said was being immature and hence deserved the spanking. I say she's smoking something.
Day 756: have started dumb journey. Packed plenty of suntan lotion and fireworks. Plan to make dramatic entrance.
Day 757: Coram stupid. Lit fireworks while drunk. Set two trees on fire and started a small brush fire. Luckily, storm cloud right overhead, and put out blaze before much could be incinerated. Hate Coram. Will put frog in his bedroll next opportunity.
Day 758: have decided to marry Squirt. That'll teach mom and dad. Also, as Squirt not the brightest lamp on the table, can easily get to intimidate mom and dad into giving me what I want, even when they are in bad mood. Squirt also might actually become important for once in her life, too. Will do wonders for my bad-boy reputation. Can you get any more rebellious without being disowned? Suppose could smoke something... nah... mom creepy when high, so don't want to do that. Besides, awfully inconvenient to have to tote stuff around. Might get caught with it and would then have to write one of those dumb essays on responsibilities of royal status. Will stick with the marriage thing.
Day 763: Told Myles and Coram today. They told me to just shut my mouth for once during this entire trip. Offered them brandy... V. big mistake. Now can't get them to shut up. Note to self: Give away all liquor as friendship token to tribal native people we are visiting. I wonder if they wear grass skirts?
Day 783: Arrived at Bazhir camp. Locals snatched liquor from me and backed away slowly, making sign against evil. Superstitious little buggers, no? Got it on with Alanna in tent. She still hasn't seen through me yet. Either I am really really good at this, or she is really really dumb or she just doesn't understand anything related to intimacy and how people use it for power. Am so noble to take her under my royal wing. Am such a good person. Am soooooo perfect. Wait, a chipped nail. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Wonder if Bazhirs have salons? Later: everyone I asked turned around and ran when they heard my question. Maybe shouldn't have asked guys....
Day 784: Got challenged by some stupid tribesman. Whupped his butt thanks to some v. cool Shang moves picked up from some wolf dude. Or was it Leopard? No, it was definitely chicken... oh I dunno. Some random Shang dude who came to palace. He scratched me with his knife though. teardrop it hurt.... Squirt fussed over me like a mother hen. Even made clucking noises (not on purpose, I don't think) v. entertaining. clucked back at her. She didn't get it, so got socked in the jaw really hard and now she won't share her bruise balm. Stupid female.
Day 796: Didn't want to go to lessons with loser voice dude today, so Squirt bitched me out in front of entire tribe. I swear she sounds just like my stoner parents sometimes. However, later this evening, she believed my contrite act. Am so good it's scary.
Day 802: became voice today. In doing so killed other dude. Almost felt guilty. Am giving up this cutting habit. Especially in front of other people. And when I am wearing nice clothes. I have ruined over six outfits with these stupid rituals and don't even get the adrenaline rush they all claim to get when doing it. Side note: I might be schizo. Hearing lots and lots of voices, all of them complaining or asking me to do something. Later: talked to Coram. Said part of being voice. Was like, "Oh." Felt kind of stupid so went and picked on some little kid. Feel much better.
Day 805: tried to leave today and take Squirt with me. Squirt blew her top. No, understatement. Had Coram not held her back, Tortall would currently be heirless. Or rather, it would have many many many small itsy bitsy pieces of an heir. Don't understand this though. Who wouldn't want to marry me and become queen? Think about it: I'm perfect, the queen is second in power only to the king, royalty has a life of luxury, everybody has to grovel at our feet and kiss our butts incessantly and do whatever we want them to, get to kill people we don't like, (or at least make their lives miserable), I'm a perfection in and of myself, you get a kick-butt wardrobe and a staff to attend your every whim, and did I mention I'm perfect? So who in their right mind wouldn't want to be queen?! Ah, well, guess it's time for my favorite sport trumpets (Announcer Voice): Make Squirt Squirm! I believe I will go out with the first chesty blonde bimbo I meet just to tick Squirt off and make her jealous. hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.