Do not wake me. For sometimes at night I see you again, Ani. But not as
you are now. I see you, as you are the day I gave my life to you; the day I
vowed never to love anybody else. Do you remember what I told you, Ani? I
told you I loved you, that I truly, deeply loved you. I wasn't afraid
anymore because even if I was going to die I felt safe that you were here
with me. Then fates gave us another chance, and let us live. What happened
to you since then...?
Do not wake me, for I can live again, in the night we first made love. No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive myself for not loving you more. Maybe if I did, you wouldn't turn away from me. I see you on top of me, caressing my body gently, rubbing your smooth skin teasingly against mine, but all the while careful not to hurt me. And now it's too late to make love to you. It's too late to kiss your muscular chest as your fingers coyly stroke my back. It's too late to give myself to you. I thought you knew how much you meant to me, Ani...that I'd never do anything to hurt you...
Do not wake me, for when I wake, I will remember that you no longer have a face. I will remember the nights you started hitting me, giving me bruises all over my body, choking me with you powers, that I had to make excuse after excuse to cover up. I will remember the day you stopped telling me you loved me. I will remember the day making love to you no longer felt special, but a routine. I will remember the day a thousand stars stopped shining in your eyes, replaced only by an eerie darkness. I will remember that you are Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, never again my Ani.
Do not wake me, for when I wake I will begin to cry. I will cry because Luke and Leia may never grow up knowing their fathers or their mothers. And when I wake, I will think about the knife that lies by my drawer, and I will think how easy it would be to leave this world. I will leave a note by Master Kenobi's door, telling him what to do with my babies. I will tell Master Kenobi to tell my children that it was Darth Vader that murdered Anakin Skywalker, and that Anakin Skywalker was, and always will be, a good man. And then I will take my knife and plunge it down my wrist.
Do not wake me, for in my dreams I am still in your sweet embrace. One last time, I want to experience the ecstasy of being in love with you. One last time, I want to feel you loving my body, want to feel your hands on me. One last time, I want to run my finger through your Padawan braid, the symbol of your innocence. But that braid was cut off, and with it went your love for me. One last time I want to hear those words escape your lips, barely a whisper, as our bodies heave against each other. And one last time, I want to scream your name as I climax with you as we indulge in the most beautiful feeling in the universe.
I hope you forgive me for all the love I denied you, Ani. I should have known from the day we met that we were meant for each other. Maybe if I did I could have done something to prevent everything that happened. Do not wake me because I will turn towards the other side of our bed only to see a cold emptiness. Do not wake me because your good morning kisses will turn into cold shivers on my body. Do not wake me because I will cook two shares of breakfast like I always do. When I place them both down on the table, I will simply look at your share for hours, reliving the past months over and over again in my head. Do not wake me, for there is nothing more for me to awaken to.
Do not wake me, for I am already dead.
Do not wake me, for I can live again, in the night we first made love. No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive myself for not loving you more. Maybe if I did, you wouldn't turn away from me. I see you on top of me, caressing my body gently, rubbing your smooth skin teasingly against mine, but all the while careful not to hurt me. And now it's too late to make love to you. It's too late to kiss your muscular chest as your fingers coyly stroke my back. It's too late to give myself to you. I thought you knew how much you meant to me, Ani...that I'd never do anything to hurt you...
Do not wake me, for when I wake, I will remember that you no longer have a face. I will remember the nights you started hitting me, giving me bruises all over my body, choking me with you powers, that I had to make excuse after excuse to cover up. I will remember the day you stopped telling me you loved me. I will remember the day making love to you no longer felt special, but a routine. I will remember the day a thousand stars stopped shining in your eyes, replaced only by an eerie darkness. I will remember that you are Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, never again my Ani.
Do not wake me, for when I wake I will begin to cry. I will cry because Luke and Leia may never grow up knowing their fathers or their mothers. And when I wake, I will think about the knife that lies by my drawer, and I will think how easy it would be to leave this world. I will leave a note by Master Kenobi's door, telling him what to do with my babies. I will tell Master Kenobi to tell my children that it was Darth Vader that murdered Anakin Skywalker, and that Anakin Skywalker was, and always will be, a good man. And then I will take my knife and plunge it down my wrist.
Do not wake me, for in my dreams I am still in your sweet embrace. One last time, I want to experience the ecstasy of being in love with you. One last time, I want to feel you loving my body, want to feel your hands on me. One last time, I want to run my finger through your Padawan braid, the symbol of your innocence. But that braid was cut off, and with it went your love for me. One last time I want to hear those words escape your lips, barely a whisper, as our bodies heave against each other. And one last time, I want to scream your name as I climax with you as we indulge in the most beautiful feeling in the universe.
I hope you forgive me for all the love I denied you, Ani. I should have known from the day we met that we were meant for each other. Maybe if I did I could have done something to prevent everything that happened. Do not wake me because I will turn towards the other side of our bed only to see a cold emptiness. Do not wake me because your good morning kisses will turn into cold shivers on my body. Do not wake me because I will cook two shares of breakfast like I always do. When I place them both down on the table, I will simply look at your share for hours, reliving the past months over and over again in my head. Do not wake me, for there is nothing more for me to awaken to.
Do not wake me, for I am already dead.