Did I say shower? Dare I even attempt, dare I even dream of something so mundane as cleaning up? Might that be possible? Sure, if you're not working for a sadistic minded asshole. I barely get three steps beyond the com before he's pestering me again.

"Hess. I don't even want to know what you did to Corporal Cole; I just want to know why you're wasting time like this. What part of 'we are short-handed today' don't you understand?"

I can see Cole's lips turning up in a grin. She thinks I'm in trouble.

"I think it's the 'we' part, sir. I somehow seem to be the only person with an extra workload today. In fact, I distinctly recall Neimanen and Rose talking about how 'easy' they have it today. And why am I doing maintenance duties when I just saw three maintenance techs enjoying a nice day off?"

"Yours is not to reason why, Lieutenant. Yours is to finish the damn list. The clock is ticking, you know."

"I thought you weren't paying me overtime, sir?" I'm enjoying this, partly because Cole now looks so confused. "And if you ever say that again…"

"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, and Goddamn. You want to hit me again?" He sounds all too cheerful at the prospect. Cole on the other hand seems to be wondering what planet he dropped into Florida from. Her c.o. wouldn't take this kind of back-talk from his people. And from her response, I think the gossip channels have got this one wrong. No way she's boinking the commander, at least not on a regular basis. Otherwise she'd have a better idea of his twisted sense of humour.

No, that is not from personal experience. Rule number one in the Nic Hess dating manual: the more lust-worthy he is, the friendlier you keep him. My personal experience is based on having five brothers just as good (if not better) looking than he is. Aside from drilling me in how to look after myself, they also taught me about what bastards men can be.[1] Not that I haven't thought about it (what upright, breathing heterosexual woman within visual distance doesn't) but I think I respect the guy too much as a human being. Or maybe I just know my limitations. Besides, to get around the regulations on that (and yes there are ways around it) would only involve more paperwork. And I think I mentioned who does all the paperwork around here. I am not delving into that nightmare just for a few interesting minutes. Or hours, as the case may be…

Sorry. Happens. Anyway, as you can probably guess, my current argument gets me about as far as the others. I know, at this point, that he is definitely up to something, though what that something is, I refuse to speculate. All I know is that HE MUST PAY. Exactly what that currency is going to be, I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to figure one out. In the mean time, my hair is congealing to the point that I think I'm going to have to cut it off just to get this shit out of it.

A couple more, minor, sundry, shouldn't-even-be-my-job items follow on the list. Along the way I hear bits and pieces of things that well, shit, I wish I'd thought of myself.

For instance: Cole is not the only MACO personnel involved in today's events, though she seems to have taken it the worst. Corporal Meese got shanghaied into a variation of the switch routine. Seems some people who must remain nameless[2] switched him and Ensign Sato during the night. Rather than taking the time and energy to change around all the furniture, our intrepid heroes simply switched the occupants. This, while less time consuming, is probably the more complicated option. It also goes to show how well this day is understood on this ship: two crewmembers can walk through the halls from opposite sides (and ends) of the ship, encountering who knows how many people along the way, all the while carrying two sleeping crewmembers, and NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING. Seems Meese took it a way better than Cole did, because apparently he's been laughing about it all day[3]. His comment is that he's finally beginning to feel accepted around here. I hate to break it to him that it was his roommate's complaints about his snoring that made him a target. So I won't. Captain Archer did say we're supposed to play nice with those guys.

As I work, I am showered with encouragement from my beloved leader, mostly along the lines that I'd better pick up the pace if I want to be done by dinner. I remind him that I haven't eaten in about seven hours now, and that if he keeps this up, he will be done like dinner. Oh, and did I mention I'm the type of cook who knows she's done when the smoke detector goes off?

He cuts me off at that point, not even deigning to continue the debate. Odd, since he started it, but at least it gives me some peace and quiet to work in.

The next thing on my list is one big mistake. Ostensibly it involves merely going all the way back to the stern, and repairing a circuit juncture that seems to have blown out. Though, it hasn't actually blown out, it's disappeared. Fortunately, it's a minor circuit juncture, IF you consider the recycling systems minor. A couple of years ago, the commander had to answer a question for some school kids, regarding the recycling system[4]. Now consider for a moment that Enterprise generates over a tonne of sewage waste in a good day (in other words, one when nobody's sick), in addition to all the other types of waste you find in a small self-contained city. Now, remember Newton's law: Matter/Energy cannot be created or destroyed, merely transformed. Thus, we can either discharge the waste (which then pollutes the universe), or we can recycle it, and obtain things that are necessary for the continued function of the ship. To put it another way, it's a good thing this little theft was discovered, or otherwise I would not be the only one knee deep in shit around here, if you catch my meaning.

This theft bugs me. For one thing, the work is very neat, meaning someone who knew what they were doing lifted the thing. There are two things wrong with this. One: if it's this neat, it was done by an engineer (or someone with decent skill at it), and they should know better. Two: no engineer would need to steal the circuit juncture; they'd simply shut it down (making for a quick fix), or – if they needed the parts – would simply get the materiel out of the supply closet. Meaning, that this was either deliberate, malicious, or both.

A closer look confirms my suspicions. Not only was it a neat job, but our thief considerately re-routed the system, so that everything stays functioning. I impale my lower lip on my teeth, just to keep from saying (and doing) something I really shouldn't.

"Oh, Hess."

"I'm not speaking to you sir."

"I think you are, Hess. I am your commanding officer after all."

"I quit, sir."

"You can't quit." He says it with such finality, such absolute belief. "It's not like you can go anywhere, and we don't have civilians on the ship. Not only that, but I seem to have lost the paperwork."

That's okay, I can do it myself.

"No, you can't do it yourself." When did he become psychic? "And anyway, I don't see Captain Archer signing off on it. Because if you quit, that means a court-martial for desertion…" He's right, the bastard, "And we don't have the time to waste on something like that."

I'm still not speaking to him. If I do, I will get court-martialed anyway.

"Actually, Hess, it looks like Baker and O'Neill will be able to return to duty, so I'm giving them the rest of your list. I'm still going to need you back here in Engineering…" Oh, bless the man for finally slipping up. This one is going to be sweet.

"I'll be there in a minute sir." And I will. Oh, I will. There's just a stop I have to make along the way…

[1] They actually did this on purpose. Apparently it was to protect me from having my heart broken, and them from having to dismantle the guy who broke my heart. It's so nice to have a loving family.

[2] That is one of the big things. THOU SHALT NOT REVEAL WHODUNIT. Hypothetically, I'd have to say Rostov and Mayweather, but that's only hypothetically.

[3] Seems Ensign Sato has been speaking Klingon to Ensign Mayweather all day, but it's hard to say whether or not it's related. I do know she's been insulting him.

[4] Remind me to find that kid and pay him. Scuttlebutt says the look on Mr. Tucker's face…