Chapter 4 - Galadriel?
Later that day, after supper. Hermione goes to find Gandalf to take him to the kitchen to meet the house-elves, though she is a little wary that some of his delusions might get totally shattered. She sees him coming out of the staff room.
Hermione: Are you sure you really want to meet the house-elves, Mr. Gandalf? I really think they are a little different than the elves you are talking about.
Gandalf: My dear young Hobbit, i have put up with not only Elrond, Legolas, and Galadriel in my life, but also King Thranduil the Evil, who is actually a very kind and benevolent ruler. Unfortunate about his title, but i think some have him confused with the Very Reverend Steward Denethor, Bishop of St. Looney's of the Cream Bun and Jam.
Hermione: (patronizingly) Of course....
Gandalf: You are a studious Hobbit, Miss Gardner, perhaps you can tell me why there never seem to be any staves in the staff room except for mine.
Hermione: Miss Granger.
Gandalf: No, it's Mr. Gandalf, Miss Gardner.
Hermione: Skip it. You are the only wizard here who uses a staff, Mr. Gandalf. (under her breath) But it seems to be nothing more than a muggle pyrotechnic producer.
Gandalf: Well, i only wonder because i think i may be in need of a new staff. Unfortunately, your guardian Ent, as good a job as he does, seems to have been scarred by Saruman's actions against trees. I believe he is still quite angry and offended by wizards. He didnt even recognize me! Now, in my day, all one had to do to procure a new staff was to simply visit the Gap of Rohan. There was also a staff store there, and a sword store. (whispers) Dont tell anyone this, but Lord Elrond never actually reforged Narsil. That's why he gave it a new name. It was really just a cheap replica he picked up on the way in to visit his strange... i mean estranged... foster-son.
Hermione: (looking a little disturbed) Maybe in Diagon Alley.
Gandalf: Well why would i want a slanted staff? Would be falling over all the time like Frodo, wouldnt i?
Hermione shakes her head and decides it is probably best to not say anything at all until they reach the kitchen. They find the painting and Hermione proceeds to tickle the pear. Now it is Gandalf's turn to look rather disturbed. The doorknob, nee pear, appears and they enter.
Strange Gollum-like creatures immediately surround them with proffering of multitudes of toast. Gandalf trips over at least three of them cursing them loudly.
Gandalf: I thought you told me we were going to liberate elves?! I do not know how Gollum has multiplied, but this is surely a work of Saruman. Not only does he breed Uruks, but now Gollums!
Hermione: Umm.... Mr. Gandalf, these are the house elves.
Gandalf: Look, not every creature with pointy ears is an elf. These are NOT elves!
Hermione: Sadly, they are. Dobby, tell Mr. Gandalf what you are.
Dobby: Dobby is a recently freed house elf, Mr. Gandalf Sir. Can Dobby get you some nice toast? It seems we have a terrible oversupply.
Gandalf: Now, look here, little Smeagol! I have known many elves, i have also had the displeasure of meeting Smeagol. You are a Smeagol!
Dobby: Dobby doesnt know what a Smeagol is, Mr. Gandalf Sir, but if Dobby were permitted to use magic perhaps he could turn into a Smeagol for Mr. Gandalf's amusement. But alas, Dobby is but a house elf.
Gandalf: You are not an elf!
Dobby begins to cry and beat himself with pans.
Gandalf: You see, not only are you a little Smeagol, but you have also grown accustomed to Samwise forever attempting to stove your head in.
Hermione: Mr. Gandalf, you have to believe me, these are elves, really. Look...
Hermione pulls out a little gold ring and holds it up. Nothing happens.
Hermione: Had Dobby been a Smeagol, he would have ripped my hand off for that, right Mr. Gandalf?
Gandalf: Well, of course... but... no, these are not... they can not be...
Dobby brings a chair for Gandalf just in time for him to collapse in confusion.
Dobby: Would Mr. Gandalf like to meet Winky, Sir?
Gandalf: Winky? What is Glorfindel doing here? Oh, everybody in Middle-earth knew about Wink... i mean, Glorfindel. Why do you think Elrond sent him after Frodo? He couldnt stand another minute of his incessant flirtations. I mean, it's understandable, he had that thing with Liberace going on. Supplied all his candelabras and all.
Dobby: Mr. Gandalf... Winky is a girl.
Gandalf: Well now, Glorfindel may have been a tad effeminate, but he was still a man!
Now even Dobby is becoming a bit concerned.
Winky begins to cry in a shrill high-pitched, excruciatingly annoying tone.
Gandalf: I am mistaken... but what has happened to Galadriel? Is this what they have done to Noldorian elves? I can certainly understand... after that nasty business at Alqualonde and all. Miss Gardner, are you quite sure we should be freeing these elves? You do know that Galadriel is quite possibly the most annoying elf since Feanor? Little git he was, to make use of your vernacular.
Hermione: Mr. Gandalf, you are starting to act a lot like Ron Weasley...
Gandalf laughs jovially.
Gandalf: He is a humorous little Hobbit, isnt he?
Hermione: I think we should be heading back now.
Gandalf: Very well, but what has become of the nicer elves? The wood elves, the ones who never slew any kin?
Hermione: Let's just go Mr. Gandalf.