Chapter 9 - Oh Bother, Where Art Thou?
Whilst both sets of twins continue their conversation, Faramir and Lupin, who are still seated, strike up one of their own.
Lupin: So, you're very familiar with this Gandalf fellow, are you?
Faramir: Oh yes, quite familiar. He used to teach me when I was young. Mind you, he wasn't quite so senile then. Which is a miracle really, considering his age.
Lupin: How old is he?
Faramir: Oh...about.... (attempts to count on fingers, but no one, not even Vishnu, is scientifically able to calculate such a thing using only their digits) Well, it's somewhere in the twenty-something thousand range.
Lupin: (laugh) You've got to be kidding, right?
Faramir, however, shakes his head.
Lupin: How's he stayed around that long?
Faramir: If you ask me, it's got something to do with all that leaf he's been smoking. Or maybe it's just Narya.
Lupin: Nar-what?
Faramir: Narya. It's Elvish for "Ring of Fire".
Somewhere, the ghost of Johnny Cash begins singing....
Lupin: I didn't know they had their own language.
Faramir: Yes, and it's a bloody confusing one at that.
Lupin and Faramir sit in silence for some time, contemplating the language of the Elves, and other such unimportant things. The rest of the class remains in the room, just to see what happens next. This, of course, includes Harry and Ron.
Harry: I really wish I could talk to Lupin, but I don't want to bother him. He looks busy.
Ron: (with strange gleam appearing in his eyes) Harry, did you say...bother?
Harry: Yes I - oh, no Ron. No. You know what happened last time we tried to bother Snape!
But it is too late, Ron is already creeping up behind Lupin. Harry follows to try to stop Ron. Ron is now right behind Lupin, and suddenly, he pounces.
Ron: (tagging Lupin) BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!
Lupin looks startled and jumps out of his seat.
Lupin: Ron! Harry, what is he doing?
Harry: (sigh) It's...well, it's Bother. You can't say it in front of Ron or he goes a little... (tilts head to the side and holds his hand to his head, making a circular motion with his index finger)
Faramir: (nods knowingly) My father, Denethor, did something similar at the mention of fire. And if I recall, Lord Elrond went a bit out of it at the mention of eggplants.
Ron has calmed down enough to mouth something resembling "eggplants?" at Harry.
Unfortunately, right about this time Elladan and Elrohir have decided to start up the Middle-Earth version of "bother" - Tig... from which no one is immune. Unless, of course, you have thoroughly read the rule book.
Elladan's eyes are gleaming much like Ron's did. He reaches out in a sly manner, touching his brother's shoulder.
Elladan: (shouts) TOG!
Elrohir, looking annoyed, returns the action, a little more forcefully.
Elrohir: TAG!
Elladan: Oh no! You can not "tag" on a "tog"!
Elrohir: Yes you can... it's a tag you cant tig on.
Elladan's face goes a little slack in confusion before reaching out, slapping Fred on the arm.
Elladan: TIG!
Fred: Sorry?
Elladan repeats the action, a lot more forcefully, practically pushing Fred off his chair.
Elladan: I said - TIG!
George: What's a tig?
Elrohir: It's a game these little pheriannath - i mean Hobbits - made up.
Fred: Can you teach us?
Elladan: We could, but it's easier to buy the rulebook.
George: They have a rulebook?
Elrohir: Yeah, but you can only get it at the Rivendell Yard Sale.
Elladan: Or the Gap of Rohan. But I don't suggest going there.
Elrohir: The salesman will cry on it.
Fred: Say, what exactly are Hobbits anyway?
Elladan: Gandalf seems to be under the impression that all these young people here are. Though i think Faramir is right, they are kind of tall for Hobbits. But that dark haired one really does look a lot like Frodo Baggins.
George: Frodo Baggins! What kind of name is that?! Besides, he's Harry Potter, the most famous wizard alive today. He has defeated Voldemort on several occasions.
Elrohir: Well, Frodo defeated Sauron. And he was a powerful Maia... not as powerful as Gandalf though, which begs the question, if Gandalf was so powerful, why didnt he just battle Sauron himself?
Elladan: 'Ro, he's a chronic shirker... what do you expect? He sent Frodo and Sam because he didnt feel like putting out any more power than exorcizing Theoden. He even sent the bloody Ents to defeat Saruman for him.
Elrohir nods.
Fred and George exchange bewildered glances, mouthing the word "Maia?"
Elrohir: Maiar are wizards, well, all wizards are Maiar but not all Maiar are wizards. Sauron isnt a wizard, Melian wasnt a wizard. Well, you get the idea.
Fred: So we are Maia?
Elladan: No, you are people. Mortals, like Faramir.
George: But we are wizards.
Elrohir: That's impossible!
Fred: Well, that's what mum says sometimes, but really, we are.
George: Who is this Frodo anyway?
Elladan: He's the Hobbit who was the ring bearer. Why adar ever let him carry it is beyond me. We didnt hear the end of the whining about that one until Gandalf dragged him to the Grey Havens and forced him to go west. He lived with his uncle Bilbo, who stole the Ring from Gollum, and for about twenty years we had to put up with the old grouch.
Elrohir: That was dad's fault again. He actually invited him to stay as long as he liked. Of course, dad thought he would stay there a day or two and then go to Hithaeglir again, get lost, and die there. But no, and twenty years later Imladris was facing the most serious famine we have seen in ages. Literally.
George: That is strange. Harry lives with his fat, grouchy uncle too.
Elladan: Did Harry's parents die in a "boating accident" too?
Fred: You mean you don't know?
Elrohir: We've been stuck in Middle-earth for how long? News just doesn't spread as well there.
George: Harry's parents were murdered by Voldemort.
Elladan: Voldemort, eh? I believe Gandalf said something about him being a re-incarnation of Saruman?
Elrohir: Well, it makes perfect sense if you think about it. Those hobbits can say whatever they want about Frodo's parents dying in a boating accident. I tell you, it was Saruman!
Elladan: Does Harry have any wounds that bother him frequently of which he does not shut up?
Fred: Does he! Who do you think gave him that scar on his head?
Gandalf: Whom!
Faramir: He's doing his Ent impression?
Lupin: No, he meant that it is correct to say "Whom do you think gave him that scar?" Thank you Grammar-
Faramir jumps up, waving his arms, and shouting.
Faramir: NO! NO! Don't say the wizard's name!
Lupin: Grammar-dalf.
Faramir snaps in frustration.
Faramir: Too late.
Suddenly Fred, George, Elladan, and Elrohir start running around the room tigging, tagging, and togging, and bothering, everyone in sight. They are even foolish enough to get Grammar-dalf into the act.
Lupin: (sighs) You know, I think we may be the only rational ones left in this place. I think we need to have a visit with Dumbledore, this is out of hand.
Faramir: I know we're the only rational ones in this place. Lead the way, Master Lupin.