Behold Sadness
Chapter 4
Medallion and I decided to save the money and live in my parents' old house. She was, of course, frightened at first at living in a house where a couple not much unlike ourselves has been poisoned. Nevertheless, it was a house, one of the finest in the county. She enjoyed having the entire thing to do with as she pleased, regardless what it was, except for my parents' old bedroom. I restricted her and the help to stay away from that single room, to never set foot in it, to change it in any way, shape, or form. They were to act as if it were cursed beyond our days, and all that enter shall die.
Not the least bit upset about her small restriction, Medallion twisted and shaped our Victorian/Spanish styled mansion to her heart's content, adding an Italian window here and designer curtains there. She even brought up an idea of expanding a few miles! Everything was going so undeniably well…until one day, when that dream came up again. And again. It affected my emotions and everyday life so strongly that even our naïve maid, Percy-May, began to notice the distance I kept from them. She told Medallion about her worries, and Medallion came to me one night to fix it.
"Adam." I felt a soft hand stroke my neck. "Adam, wake up."
I stirred, leaning back against her hand. "What?"
"I think it's time." She said secretively.
"Time for what?" I was much too tired to play her games, especially this late.
"Time for a baby." Her eyes lit up in a passion I had never seen before.
Oh no…this is what those voices have warned me about! She's going to discover me out…I knew it.
"Is something wrong?" She asked.
"No…" I intended her to ask questions; I intended to tell her the truth.
"Really?"
"…"
"Don't you want a child?"
"…"
"You don't, do you? But why are you so reluctant? You used to talk about us having children all the time, when we were children." She now sounded naïve, like she was talking more to herself than me.
"… …That was a long time ago, Medallion. I've grown-you've grown, and we've both recognized the good and the bad of our physical abilities." I said.
"What…what are you trying to say?" Tears filled her eyes, like she already knew what I was about to reveal.
"Children…children aren't part of my abilities. I wasn't born to raise…I wasn't born to watch…I wasn't born to be around them…and I wasn't born to have them myself, someday."
Full fledged tears streamed down, now, and I knew she realized what I had said.
"No…no children for us…then…" It was hard for her to say 'children' through her mountain of tears.
"No. I'm sorry for not telling you."
"No. You're not sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for marrying you!" She ran out of the room, leaving me behind.
I guess…she's always left me behind…even when we were small. Now is no different. My dream was right. I have failed.
Indeed, Medallion divorced me and moved back to her father's palace, and through his rage, began looking quickly for a new husband. She found one quickly, a dashing gentlemen named Chester Ragwertz. The two seemed utterly perfect for each other; I was jealous. Both had the selfishness, the money, and the ability to have children. Dealing with the latter was hard enough, but on their first month of being engaged, Medallion became pregnant. Her father was enraged and blamed it on me. Of course, he knew it wasn't true, because the truth had spread throughout the county by his command, but he hated me for whisking his daughter away but being unable to produce a child. He claimed he needed a heir; I was sure he wanted one for other reasons, personal ones that I could care less about.
I fell into a deep depression, one that even my pretend mother, one of the maids of the house that I had never had the heart to let go, couldn't solve. She always had the right thing to say, the right words when someone was down. She had always tried to protect me from harm and despair when I was a child, but, like any human being, I had my share and more when it slipped through her net of protection. She had always been like my mother and my father throughout my years of childish times, when my real parents were too busy entertaining themselves or complaining about the new rumor that had spread throughout our prominent town that dealt with them. I had gone through my childhood thinking my parents hated me and they wanted nothing to do with me. I grew up thinking I had done something horribly wrong to them, or that they were not my real parents. I thought that Henna – the maid - was my mother, and I called her so. My mother had once grown so angry with me about that, she had slapped me across the face so hard she left a large scar across my eye. It was still there.
"Oh, what am I to do now?" I moaned to myself quietly. I buried my face into the satin pillow, determined to fall asleep. It had been three months, and the wedding of my former wife's was coming up shortly, in a matter of weeks, actually. I was more depressed than ever, and just yesterday had stopped eating. Henna tried to forcefeed me, but she was unable as she was old and weak, and I was young and strong, at least that's what she said.
If I'm so strong…then why isn't Medallion mine, why isn't she here with me?
Tears began to fall, and I let out a cry.
What's the point of my existence…why am I here? Should I continue to live, to breathe one's air, to live for a person with a purpose? Should I really be so selfish?
It all made sense now. Medallion had been my purpose, but I had failed. What my mother had told me long ago was correct. She had said to me one day that I was just a stupid child and that no one cared for me or would ever care. She convinced me children were failed adults, and that she, of course, was an adult. She said she had a purpose to live, but I did not. She said it would better off for me to die. When I had told Henna, she chewed the woman out so badly I thought they were going to fight.
Henna spent hours convincing me back to what she claimed was the truth, that my mother had been turned in the wrong direction and that all adults were children once, themselves.
I believed her then. But I will not now. Her words were hollow and empty. They were words only a child would believe, words that were foolish and unreal. They mean nothing to me now. They meant nothing to me then.
I looked out my window, at the small house near the ocean that the servants lived at. I sensed Henna looking at me from her third floor room and looked guiltily away.
It's now or never.
I sighed and looked back at the room that would no longer be mine, and I took a deep breath.
Now or never. Now or never.
I contined to repeat that to myself, over and over again.
It doesn't matter. You're a failure. You don't matter.
Conversing with myself, contradicting every thought, I lowered an old razor to my wrist. Then, right before what I expected to be my final moments, my last contradiction sprung up.
Should you let Medallion rule your life? Are you going to kill yourself over her? She does not matter, at least not anymore. You still have a purpose. Find it.
I nodded at the thought and dropped the blade. I was not going to let myself die over some stupid girl, especially Medallion.
What's my purpose, now? Where do I find it?
I suddenly realized my own answer.
In my heart. I just have to look in my heart…if it is still there.
(Author's note: Sorry I made Adam so weird. But if you think about it, don't you sometimes have conversations with yourself? Oh, and the real story with Rinoa and Squall is in the next chapter, so wait for it!)