She looked up when there was a knock on her door. Cordelia was there holding a piece of paper.
"Willow e-mailed you," she said as she handed the paper to Tara. "I printed it out for you."
Cordelia was about to walk out when she turned back. Tara hadn't started reading the e-mail yet.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked. Tara nodded her head. "You and Willow...I mean, it surprised me. You're nothing like Oz...or Xander." She laughed sheepishly. "Well, of course, you're nothing like them. They're guys and you're a girl. But still...I guess I'm just confused. The Willow I knew seemed really into guys. I guess I'm trying to figure out where this came from."
Tara smiled and sat on the bed. "Well, I didn't know her before Oz left. So I don't know what she was like. I honestly don't know if we'd be together if Oz hadn't left. The way she talks about him...well, I would've had some competition. I like to think we would still be together, that she would've left Oz. I don't know."
"You don't? As close as you two seem, I would think you would know," Cordelia said. She sat next to Tara on the bed. She knew Tara was going to be with them for a while. She wanted to make an effort to get to know her, earn her trust and hopefully become her friend.
"You can never be sure about things that are never going to happen," Tara said. "When Willow and I met, there was this immediate connection. It was spiritual and strong. I saw her and I just knew."
"Knew what?"
"That she was my soulmate," Tara said quietly. "She didn't know. At least not consciously. But I knew from the start."
"And she figured it out later," Cordelia said.
"Yeah," Tara replied. She remembered the day that Willow figured it out. It had been a difficult day. She had been so worried that she would lose Willow after just finding her. "It was one huge emotional rollercoaster. Oz came back and he had learned to control his werewolf side so he could be with Willow. Things got really crazy."
"But she chose you," Cordelia said with a smile. Tara nodded her head. That night she had spent with Willow was worth everything that had happened during the day. "And now you're here."
"Now I'm here," Tara repeated. "I never expected any of this."
"Life's crazy like that," Cordelia said. She stood. "Well, I'll leave you alone."
"Hey, Cordelia," Tara called as Cordelia was in the doorway. She turned back. "Thanks for that. I don't have a whole lot of friends. Or family really. All I've got is the Scoobies."
"Well, now you've got us, too," Cordelia replied with a smile. She walked out of the room and Tara turned her gaze to the e-mail. It was a lot shorter than she had expected it to be. Only two short paragraphs. As she read it, she was filled with surprise, confusion and extreme concern.
I de-ratted Amy. Now everything's a mess. I went to Rack, and things got so out of control. I hurt Dawn. I almost got her killed. I'm so stupid, and it hurts so much. I feel sick and I hurt and there are times when I can't breathe.
Why did I have to be so stupid? I screwed everything up again. Why can't I be strong on my own? Why can't I be like Buffy? Or like you? Why am I so pathetic? I don't know what to do.
That was the end of the e-mail. Tara stared at it in awe. She didn't understand it. Willow had seemed fine. She had been worried about Tara, but nothing from before had indicated anything was wrong with Willow herself. She set the paper on the bed and hurried out of her room.
"I need a phone," she said when she got to the lobby. Cordelia was confused by the change in Tara's demeanor but quickly handed the cordless phone over.
"Is everything okay?" she asked.
"I don't know, but I have to call Willow," Tara said. She moved across the lobby for some privacy as she dialed the numbers to Buffy's house.
"Hello," Buffy answered. Tara was almost relieved that Buffy answered. She could get an explanation and possibly a warning on Willow's current emotional state before she spoke to Willow.
"Buffy, it's Tara. I got a really confusing e-mail from Willow," she said. "What's going on? I was tempted to get on a bus back to Sunnydale."
"That might not be a bad idea," Buffy said, sighing at the end of her sentence. Tara could tell Buffy was just as worried about Willow. "I don't know what the e-mail said, but I guess it'll be no use to lie to you. She's a mess."
Tara was silent for a moment, a lump forming in her throat. She wondered if this all would've happened if she had stayed in Sunnydale.
"What happened? She didn't explain it very well," Tara said. "She said she went to Rack. Is that true?"
"Yeah, she did. She took Dawn there," Buffy said. There was still a twinge of anger left in her. When she had found out that Willow had dragged Dawn with her to Rack she had wanted to hit Willow herself.
"Oh my god," Tara said, disbelief filling her. "I've heard of Rack. I was hoping it wasn't true. He's a dealer. Dark magicks. How did she even find out about him?"
"Amy. She de-ratted Amy and they went to him," Buffy explained. "They went on a power binge and it messed Willow up bad."
"Is Dawnie okay? In the e-mail she said she hurt Dawn," Tara asked. She was concerned, but she was still struggling with disbelief over Willow's trip to Rack. Part of her wanted to find Amy and hurt her for introducing Willow to the dark power dealer.
"They got in a car accident. Dawn's wrist is broken," Buffy replied. "I'm not sure what we should do. Right now we're going with the 'no magic, cold turkey' approach. I don't know if it will work. I called Giles, but he didn't answer and of course with him being all stuffy and British he doesn't have an answering machine."
"Why don't you just go to his apartment?" Tara asked, not understanding how Giles' lack of an answering machine would keep him from helping Willow.
"Oh, you don't know," Buffy said. Tara heard the discouraged tone in Buffy's voice and realized the bad just kept coming. "Giles left. He went back to England. He said that I was becoming too dependent on him. I don't know. Maybe he was right. Maybe we should be able to do this without him, but my first instinct is to go to him. I just want to help Willow. I can't stand to see her like this."
Tara's heart sank. She had become used to the Giles safety net, too. With her own father being a controlling chauvinist, Giles became her father. He was the father figure to the whole group. If Buffy was this worried she couldn't even imagine how bad it really was. She was scared to find out.
"Is she home?"
"Yeah, she's asleep," Buffy said. "I'll wake her up."
"Oh, maybe you should let her sleep," Tara said.
"No, she'll want to talk to you," Buffy said as she headed for the stairs. "I think it might help."
"O-okay," Tara said. She was nervous. She wasn't sure what to expect. She heard Buffy's muffled voice when she got to Willow's bedroom.
"Will, Tara's on the phone."
There were noises as the phone was passed on and then Willow's voice, trying to be cheerful when it was impossible.
"Tara, hi."
The cheerfulness was a paper thin façade. Tara could hear how exhausted and weak and scared Willow was. She very nearly could feel it as if Willow was sitting next to her.
"I'm going to ask a stupid question, but I don't know what else to say," Tara began. "How are you?" There was a long silence. "Okay, it wasn't supposed to be like the SATs."
"The SATs were easier for me," Willow said quietly. "I don't know how I am."
"I don't understand what happened. How could you go to Rack?"
"Everything just happened so fast. I de-ratted Amy and we were hanging out and we were doing all this magic," she explained. "The next day I felt drained and she took me to Rack. I've never felt power like that. When the power was gone I felt drained again, and I felt horrible."
"So you went back," Tara said quietly.
"God, I took Dawnie with me, and she wanted to go home and I just dragged her along," Willow said, her voice shaking with emotion. "I could've killed us both. I'm so stupid."
"You're not stupid," Tara said firmly. "You screwed up and you got caught up in something dangerous. The power Rack deals with is intoxicating. Dark magicks are like an extremely potent drug. And when you come down, you come down hard."
"I know," Willow said. "I came down like an anvil. A cartoon anvil that makes a deep, anvil-shaped hole in solid ground."
"How bad is it?"
"Yesterday I got the shakes and I was cold and sweating at the same time and I started hallucinating," Willow said. "And then when I got sane enough and stopped shaking enough, I sent that stupid e-mail to you. You must think I'm so pathetic and weak."
"Never," Tara said confidently. "I would never think that about you. You lost control. People lose control. We all do. I do. Buffy does. It's what we do. But you chose not to stay lost. You're strong enough for that. You will get better. I know you will."
There was silence and Tara simply waited for Willow to say something. She could hear Willow's breathing change. It was ragged and then she sniffed. She was trying not to cry. Tara could tell. It brought tears to her own eyes.
"I'm so scared," Willow said through a choked sob. "I don't wanna hurt anybody."
"I know. Believe me, I know," Tara said. Did she ever know. She couldn't stop her own tears as she spoke and tried to reassure Willow. "You just have to take everything one step at a time. Don't even think about tomorrow. Just think about an hour from now." She looked at her watch. "That'll be six pm. That's dinner. Think about if you want to eat anything or what you're going to eat. Think about simple things and when you get to big things it won't be so bad."
Willow continued to cry and Tara simply let her get it all out. It wasn't the same as being in the room with her, but it was working well enough.
"I miss you so much," Willow said, her voice desperate. Then something dawned on Tara. It terrified her that what she was about to ask could possibly be true.
"Is that…is that the reason?" she asked nervously. "Is it because I'm not there?"
"No," Willow said quickly. She forced herself to stop crying. "No, that's not the reason this happened. I think this would've happened either way. I just…I just miss you. Right now everything that rolls around in my brain finds its way out my mouth. You're not the reason this happened. This is all me."
"Okay," Tara said quietly. There was silence again before she spoke. "I love you so much."
"I know," Willow responded. "I love you, too. I think about you constantly."
"If you need to talk about any of this, call me," Tara said. "Anytime. I'm starting to become a night person around Angel. I might even get a cell phone."
"You? A cell phone?" Willow asked, a humorous lilt to her voice. "Miss I Won't Open My Own Free E-mail Account?"
"Yeah, that's me," Tara said with a small laugh. Willow could still crack jokes. That was good. "Well, I should let you rest."
"Thank you for calling," Willow said. "It helped to hear your voice. And you can call me anytime too. Don't worry about waking up Buffy or Dawn. They'll get used to it. I haven't forgotten what you're going through. We've both got problems."
"We're quite a pair, huh?" Tara asked jokingly.
"Yeah, I guess that's why we're soulmates," Willow replied. There was a pause. "Okay, so I should go I guess. I love you."
"I love you. Bye."
Tara hung up the phone and just stared at it. She wanted to be in Sunnydale. She wanted to hold Willow again. She wanted to comfort her and find comfort in her. She wanted everything to be okay and not hurt. But that would all take time. Time was something she felt there would never be enough of.