In the Way

By Dimantrien

"Hatreds are the cinders of affection."

~Sir Walter Raleigh

***** - change of scene

 ~~~ - change of scene in a dream

A/N ~ I'm not planning on Sirius and Nami to become a couple… Yeah, I know that the whole Lily's-best-friend-will-be-paired-with-Sirius thing is so overused… I did it myself once, and I'm not too proud of that story. I'm just going to make them act more decent to one another. ^_^ No offense to the authors who go along that kind of Sirius/OC pairing, I've read some of those and they're actually quite good. Mine just don't set off like theirs do L

Chapter 5: Memories and Secrets

Lily's unconscious mind was set in a dreamy haze. Different scenes flitted through it in a swirl of colors and blurs…

~~~

An eleven year old girl stood on the front doorstep of a house, clutching something in her right hand, afraid to let it go, because if she did, its contents might not really exist at all, and it would be as if she had just imagined all of it. She excitedly waited for her parents' arrival from work, to share the unbelievable—but wondrous—news that the letter in her hand contained. Her older sister was not home, but staying over at a friend's house for a sleepover. She badly wanted to tell somebody, anybody, about her wonderful news, but somehow she knew that it was supposed to be a secret that she should divulge only to the closest people to her…her family.

"Lily! What are you doing out here? Did you forget to bring your set of keys and got locked out of the house?" her mother's voice asked in alarm.

Lily looked up, startled. She had been so lost in thought that she didn't even notice that the family car had just pulled into the driveway.  She stood up and sprinted towards her parents, a huge grin on her face. "Mum, Dad! You've got to read this!" she exclaimed giddily, jumping up and down, barely containing her excitement.

Her father, who was locking up the car, exchanged a quizzical but amused look with Mrs. Evans. "Why don't we go inside the house first?"

The young girl practically pushed her parents into the house. She closed the front door with a little too much enthusiasm, and her mother gave her a disapproving look. This didn't dampen her spirits, though, and she hurriedly thrust the heavy piece of parchment at them, and instructed, "Read it! Quick!"

She watched, with a mixture of anticipation and amusement, as her parents' eyes widened in shock and amazement. "Well?" she asked impatiently, when her parents finished reading the letter.

"This is…" Mrs. Evans said breathlessly, unable to express coherently what she wanted to say.

"Can I go, mum, dad? Can I, please?" Lily pleaded, looking from one parent to another.

Mr. Evans, who had taken the amazing news with much more composure than his wife, readily replied, "Of course you can! It's simply astounding…you don't get a letter telling you that you're a witch everyday!" He hugged his daughter, who couldn't possibly think of any other moment in her life when she'd been this happy.

"We're very proud of you, dear, just always remember that!" Mrs. Evans spoke, wiping tears of joy from her eyes and also embracing her second child.

"I'll do my best there, I promise! I'm going to be at the top of my class, you'll see!" Lily made strong vows that she knew, in her heart, she had to keep…

~~~

"Get away from me!" Petunia shrieked, shoving Lily's arms away from her.

The confused redhead dropped her arms, which were outstretched to hug her sister, to her sides. "What's wrong, Petunia?" she whispered in a hurt tone, not believing that her sister could look at her with so much contempt and revolt. They had never been that close, and had their share of sibling arguments, but Lily still loved her sister dearly, although Petunia had never shown her that she felt the same way.

"What's wrong? You're a witch, a—a freak!!! I can't believe I'm related to someone like you!" Petunia screamed.

"But—" Lily stepped towards her sister, trying to make her understand.

"Ugh! Just leave me alone!!!" Petunia ran out of the room, as if Lily had a disease that she was afraid she would catch if she stood too near.

Lily stood in the living room, frozen in that position, unable to comprehend why Petunia could act so harshly. So what if she was a witch? That didn't make her a freak—if there was a school for witches and wizards then there were bound to be many more of her kind, right? So why was Petunia being so unreasonable with this?

The euphoria of knowing that she was a magical being was starting to fade. If it meant being detested by her sister just by her existence, then was it really worth it?

Yes, Lily decided. She would show Petunia that being a witch didn't automatically translate that she was to be abhorred. She wasn't a cackling old lady with a wart on the end of her nose—she was a normal, well, not-so-normal girl who just wanted to learn magic.

Petunia cared a lot about her own reputation, about being popular in school. She really was well-known, as she always knew the latest gossip, and people made it a habit to talk to her about rumors that circulated around school. Well, Lily could be like that. She could be popular, and have a lot of friends, and be respected by everybody. There was no way that Petunia could say that she was a freak if there were tons of people who knew her and befriended her.

Without the gossip.

***** 

"Blue cheese," Nami said. The portrait of the Fat Lady, upon hearing the password, swung forward.

Nami went through the portrait hole, clutching two wands in her hand. She had gone to McGonagall's office to claim them, although the Head of House was a bit uncertain about handing Sirius's wand over to her too. She quickly assured McGonagall that she wouldn't attempt breaking Sirius's wand in half to make him helpless—after all, she didn't play that dirty. "C'mon, boy," she urged the massive black dog, who was still standing outside and looked a bit apprehensive about entering.

Finally, after a few moments (with a bit of complaining on the Fat Lady's part), the dog jumped into the Gryffindor common room. A third year girl screamed, "It's a Grim!"

People turned around to look, including Sirius Black's friends—Remus, Peter and James. "Hey look, it's Pa—" Peter started to say aloud, before Remus quickly cast a Silencing Charm on him and shot him a look.

"You know this dog?" Nami asked Peter. She didn't like him a whole lot—he always did what Sirius told him to do. Black is such a manipulative prick—not that Pettigrew's that smart either, if he can't even stand up to that idiot, she thought silently.

"Er—" Peter squeaked, but was interrupted by Remus.

"Yes, we do. He's—well, he's, er, James's dog," Remus answered, none too smoothly. James shot him a look that said "What? Why me?" Thankfully, Nami didn't notice the little exchange.

Nami raised an eyebrow at James. "If he's your dog, then why was he in the Forbidden Forest?"

A look of dawning comprehension settled in the marauders' features. "Wasn't P—Sirius with you?" James asked.

Nami's face darkened, and James knew he had asked the wrong question. "That reminds me, if Black wants his wand back, tell him to go find me," she said, not answering the question. "I've got a bone to pick with him."

Knowing that that didn't mean anything good, Peter quickly said, "Oh, you don't have to bother, we can just give it back to him when he…turns up." He gave the dog an inconspicuous glance.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid I have to decline," Nami said curtly. "Don't worry, though, I'll hand him his wand before I do anything, I'll just give it to him outside the castle so that I can get a nice head start." She gave Peter a fake sweet smile and tossed Sirius's wand tauntingly in the air, then caught it again.

The dog whined audibly. Nami knelt down to pat him—causing a different set of reactions appear on the marauders' faces. Peter looked appalled, with his mouth hanging open; James's eyes widened in disbelief, and Remus's expression was a mixture of shock and amusement.

"What's his name, James?" Nami asked, looking up at the group of pranksters, who had quickly fixed their faces back to normal, as if seeing your best friend enjoying a scratch behind the ears by his most hated enemy was something they saw everyday. Sure, he was in his Animagus form, and Nami didn't know that, but it was still unnerving.

"Er—" James racked his brain for a name, then he smirked at the dog and said, "Snuffles." The dog growled.

"If that's his name, then why's he growling at you?" Nami asked quizzically, glancing from "Snuffles" to James. Remus subtly gave the dog a kick, and Padfoot's whines immediately turned into an enthusiastic bark (after he gave a menacing look to Remus, who looked away innocently). He went up to James and wagged his tail.

"See?" James said triumphantly, trying to keep his laughter inside.

Nami shot Snuffles a curious look. "That's weird," she said with a frown. She shook her head. "Whatever. Anyway, tell Black that he better make up a good enough excuse for ditching detention—if he still wants to live tomorrow, that is." She started to walk away, but then stopped and turned around. "Bye, Snuffles!" She smiled at the dog, who barked in return. Then she disappeared up the girls' staircase.

None of the other Gryffindors could figure out why Remus, James and Peter suddenly burst out laughing, and why "Snuffles" growled and gave them rabid looks.

*****

When Nami entered her dormitory room, she didn't notice that Lily was tossing and turning in her sleep…

~~~

The decorations of the Christmas tree in one of the corners of the room twinkled merrily. Garlands of holly were strewn all around and the snow was softly falling outside. The delicious aromas of a Christmas dinner were wafting into the room through the doorway adjoining it to the dining room. It was supposed to be the picture of a perfect Christmas.

But it wasn't.

"What do you mean, she's sick?" Fourteen-year-old Lily asked weakly. Mr. Evans's face was grave and Petunia's usual scowl was missing.

"Your mother is in the hospital. She was rushed into the intensive care unit this morning when we took her there. For the past few weeks her health has been declining rapidly, but the doctors were unable to diagnose exactly what ailed her," Lily's father explained. His face was unusually pale and his hands were shaking. Lily didn't like the way he was acting. He was usually so strong and sure of himself, but right now he looked lost and anxious.

Petunia, too, had taken the news very hard. She didn't shoot Lily her usual glare, as she always did whenever Lily came home for the holidays, but right now her expression was filled with fear and apprehension.

"The ICU? But that's for patients who are…"  Lily trailed off, unable to complete the sentence aloud. But that's only for people who are under the threat of dying. Who are hanging onto life by a thread…

"She's not going to die!" Petunia snapped at Lily, starting to look a little like her normal self. "She-she can't…" She suddenly burst into tears, startling Lily and Mr. Evans.

"We're not sure yet, Petunia, but I can guarantee you that your mother is going to fight her sickness," Mr. Evans said softly, stroking his daughter's hair.

Lily, however, had no intention to break down and cry. "How come I didn't know about what happened to her until now? Why didn't you tell me?!" she demanded. Didn't they know how horrible it was, to turn up for the Christmas holidays, expecting your family, all of them, to welcome you, and instead they shock you with the news that your mother might die because of something they didn't bother to tell you?

Mr. Evans was the one who answered. "She didn't want to worry you. It might have been something trivial, because she had yet to be diagnosed, and she didn't want to bother you what with all the work you have to do in school—"

"Well, maybe I wanted to be worried, did you ever think of that?" Lily said angrily. She couldn't control herself—she couldn't believe that she was half-shouting at her own father—although she knew that her father most especially didn't deserve her accusations. But didn't she deserve the truth? Especially if it was something that could change her life forever?

"We wanted to, Lily, but your mother insisted," Mr. Evans said calmly.

"I'm still a part of this family! I deserve to know whatever's going on under this roof!" Lily took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. Hadn't she worked hard in school, to bring home the top marks that she knew her parents would be proud of? Hadn't she sent her family weekly letters from Hogwarts, so that they would always be in touch and up-to-date with what she was doing in school? Hadn't she achieved all she had promised, to be at the top of her classes, to be popular, to have true friends who would stick by her, to have no enemies, to control her temper no matter how ugly the situation,  to be near-perfect?

She had. And that was why she deserved to know. One letter, one letter containing the condition of her mother's health…was that too much to ask?

"Don't you shout at Dad! We've all gone through a lot, and all you can think about is yourself! Mum wanted what was best for you, and you're practically telling us that it's her fault that you didn't know anything until now!" Petunia yelled at her, wiping at her eyes before giving Lily the death glare that she knew so well.

Lily glared right back, something that she had never done before, and fled the room. She sought sanctuary in her own bedroom, slamming the door in frustration. Leaning on it, she broke down on the floor and cried.

~~~ 

Relief. That was all she felt as she hugged her mother, who had grown extremely thin in a short span of time.

"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner," Mrs. Evans whispered as she lied back down on her bed. "I didn't know that it would be this serious."

Lily felt guilty. Her mother was already deathly sick, and all she was complaining about was not being informed of her health status. What mattered that Mrs. Evans was here now, alive, and within her reach. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blame you for not sending me a letter at school or anything," Lily said quickly. "I just—I don't want to lose you, mum. I want to know about everything that's going on at home, even if I'm miles away at Hogwarts."

"I know, Lily," Mrs. Evans said quietly, smiling at her daughter. She looked so weak, and Lily knew that she was nowhere near cured.

"Mum?"

"Yes, dear?"

Lily took a deep breath and tried to blink back her tears. "Are you going to…" She couldn't say it. She couldn't say that word, because she wouldn't accept it.

"To die?" Mrs. Evans finished softly, holding Lily's hand in hers. "Not yet…" There was a long pause, in which the only sound that could be heard was Lily's sniffling. "Listen, Lily, you know as well as I do that death is inevitable…unavoidable. Somebody once said, 'There's nothing certain in man's life but this: that he must lose it.'* I myself am not certain how long I have left, but I will make the most of what little time God has granted me. I've lived a good life, and I'm thankful for everything I've ever experienced, good or bad. Because that is what makes us who we are, Lily. Everything we do, everything we act upon, expresses us and our outlook on life."

"I don't understand," Lily said.

Mrs. Evans smiled patiently. "You choose who you want to be, my child. Some people look at life in a positive way, and believe that there is always something to be grateful for, no matter how bad a situation is. Others view their life as something filled with problems, and because they dwell on their troubles, they do not experience the joy of truly living, of forgetting what bothers them for just a moment. Every wrong decision fills them with regret, and at the end, they will find that they are sorry that they didn't live a life well-spent. I don't have any regrets with the way I've lived my life, Lily. And I hope that you will not, in yours."

A tear spilled down Lily's cheek. "Mum, you're talking like…like you're already dying."

"I am dying," her mother said, calmly, firmly. There were no tears in her eyes, which held a deep sadness all the same. "I am dying…slowly, but surely… But I will not dwell on worries about something that is unstoppable. Instead I will look at all that I have left, all that has made me content when I didn't know yet that my time will come sooner than I expected. And you are one of those things, Lily…"

"Mum…" Lily could no longer stop the dam of tears that were making their way down her face. "You're not going to leave us, right? It's not your time yet, I know it isn't…"

Mrs. Evans closed her eyes. Her breathing seemed to be slightly labored. Lily knew that her mother was in pain, and that she didn't want to show that weakness in front of her daughter. She coughed once, sat up, and said, "My only wish of you is to see you become a full-fledged witch—that'd be three years from now, isn't it? It won't be long now... Speaking of which, how's school?"

"It's fine," Lily answered, noticing that her mother was changing the subject.

"Still at the top of your class?"

"…You could say that. I'm neck and neck with James Potter."

"I'm glad that you're so focused with your studies. Just…don't work too hard, okay?"

"Yes mum."

"Don't ever forget to loosen up once in a while. You have to balance work with a little play."

"I will, mum."

Mrs. Evans laid her head against the pillow, her eyes gradually closing again. The side effects of her medicine were starting to take effect, and she spoke her next words drowsily. "I'm very proud of you, Lily. And I love you very much. No matter what happens, don't ever forget that." There was silence for a few moments, and then Lily heard the sound of her sleeping mother's even breathing.

"I won't forget, mum," Lily said quietly, and then she left the room. Her accomplishments in school, her living her life in the "perfect" way that she had shaped it, made her mother happy… And right now she would do anything for her mother's happiness.

Anything.

***** 

 Laughter. It might not seem like such a complex word, but it expresses far more than people think. There are times when someone shows the occasional mirthless laugh, which usually applies when one says something stupid or ridiculous, which the addressee doesn't think amusing in the least. It also happens to some insane people, who laugh for no apparent reason. Sometimes it occurs when one is at a formal dinner party, and when the host shares a stale joke, the others force out a fake laugh, just to sound polite.

But most times, people laugh when they are happy, and when they find something particularly funny.

This last statement applied to three very amused sixteen-year-old boys, more specifically named James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, who were writhing on the floor of their dormitory room because of laughing so hard.

Another boy, Sirius Black, was sitting on his bed, looking like he was going to spontaneously combust, what with the unnaturally brilliant red color of his face. From embarrassment or extreme anger, it was hard to make out. He did not join in his friends' sniggering and chortling.

Of course, one who is sane (most of the time, we all have our 'lose your head' moments occasionally XD) laughs because he has something to laugh about, has a reason for rolling around on the floor, clutching his aching stomach, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, and gasping for breath after guffawing for what seems like hours.

And it was obvious from this picture as to who was the object of amusement, and who were about to be killed by the object of amusement for ridiculing and laughing at said object a bit too much.

"WILL YOU THREE JUST SHUT UP?!?" Sirius finally yelled after suffering from almost thirty minutes of public (private?) ridicule, courtesy of his loyal friends. Hmph.

"I'm—*gasp*—sorry, Padfoot, just give me a sec—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Remus managed to say as he continued to roll around on the dark red carpet in helpless laughter.

"Padfoot! He s-said…" James gasped out, breaking into another fit of sniggers. "Merlin, it's k-k-killing me…"

Sirius took the liberty to stand up, stomp over to his best friend, and give him a good kick. "Stop laughing, then! Wait, if you don't stop, I'll kill you lot myself…" This, naturally, just made James laugh harder. Peter's chuckles subsided, however, as soon as the phrase "I'll kill you" left Sirius's mouth.

"Well, that's an improvement," Sirius said, tightlipped and uncannily resembling Professor McGonagall. Peter quailed under his glare.

"You've got to admit that was pretty funny, though," Remus pointed out, finally managing to stop himself from laughing again. He had to; he might've suffocated if he didn't. "Actually, it was shocking at first, but after a while—"

"Ah, what a sweet and touching scene we had back there, with Nami patting her beloved doggie, for the first time gracing him with a smile…" James said tearfully, feigning touched emotion before chortling again. It was a miracle that he managed to get out that line without cracking once at all.

Sirius took out his wand threateningly and James stopped laughing. "One more word, Prongs—"

"Hey, hey, hey! Is that any way to treat your master, Snuffles?" James said wickedly, recovering from his initial scare and taking out his own wand.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, was I supposed to act like this?" Sirius transformed into his dog form and tackled James to the floor. The two continued to play-wrestle, and Peter and Remus watched contentedly from the sidelines. James was soon tired out and Padfoot jumped over him repeatedly with a triumphant air, wagging his tail.

Remus cleared his throat and lifted the enormous dog's right front paw (Padfoot stood up on his two hind legs), "The winner! Snuf—" Padfoot made a swipe at Remus's hand with his sharp teeth— "Padfoot!" Peter clapped and James groaned, pretending to mope about losing.

When all this disorganized fun had lost its effects, and the marauders were sitting or lying on their beds quietly, Remus spoke up. "You know, you two really looked cute back there; we should have taken a picture and sent it to the folks back home—" he was unable to say any more than that, as Padfoot chased him around the room in a way that only a mad dog on the loose could.

*****

"Hey, guys! I'm back!" Lily shouted across the playground, where her other eleven-year-old Muggle friends were hanging out. She had just gotten back from the best school year ever—she really wanted to tell them all about it, but she had to keep it secret. What a bummer…

"Oh. Hello, Lily," a curly-haired brunette said somewhat coldly. Lily stopped waving her hand at them. What's up with Janet? she wondered silently, not overlooking the fact that her usually cheerful friend did not smile to her in greeting.

"Yeah, good to see you back," Joanne, a tall girl with dirty blonde hair said in the same lackluster tone.

The others who hadn't bothered to greet her averted their eyes when Lily's own emerald ones rested upon them. She came nearer, puzzled. They fell silent when she was just within two feet of the jungle gym, where the lot of them were sitting. What was wrong with them? All of them?

Lily put her hands on her hips. "Well? Aren't any of you going to say anything? Alyssa? Jeff? Kenneth?" She looked at each of the people she was referring to, and, much to her irritation, they tried to avoid her gaze.

"Er—hi, Lily," Jeff almost-whispered timidly. Lily gaped at him. Jeff, timid? He was the loud, outgoing and hyperactive guy of the group! Did they all eat something funny for breakfast? Or was she just…missing something?

There was a long, awkward pause after that. When she was sure (and furious) that none of them was going to say anything, she offered, "My mum said we could all hang out at my place later. We can eat lunch there and catch up on stuff."

"I…sorry, but I'm busy later," Alyssa mumbled, her hazel eyes trained on the grass at her feet.

"I'm supposed to go with my dad to one of the companies he owns…" Kenneth said a tad too quickly to be relevant, looking (not quite) apologetic. 

Lily turned to look at her other friends for responses. "What about you guys?" she demanded, wishing she could just scream "Why don't you just spit out whatever bad thing you want to say?!"

"Gotta clean my room, Grandma's been nagging me to do it all week," Janet responded in the same cold tone she had used.

Jeff swallowed hard as Lily glared at him to listen to his excuse. "I—er—"

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Joanne burst out, looking exasperated. "Listen, Lily, we don't want to see you anymore. Do we have to spell it out for you?" she said callously as she rolled her eyes at the redhead.

"W-what do you—" Lily started to stammer, her anger replaced with a cold feeling of dread.

"Just go, Lily. You know what we're talking about, Petunia told us all about it," Janet interrupted, looking like she was gaining confidence after Joanne's outburst.

Lily's eyes narrowed. Petunia wasn't stupid enough to blab to everyone about Lily's being a witch… "What exactly did she tell you?"

Janet jumped down from her perch on the topmost rail of the jungle gym. "What does it matter what she said? You already know what it is," she countered disdainfully.

"No, I don't," Lily snapped, clenching her fists.

"Come now, Lily, can't you even admit to us that you're a little weird in the head?" Joanne said in a bored voice.

"Weird in the head? What are you saying?" shouted Lily, beyond angry. What lies did Petunia feed her friends?

Joanne snorted. "Don't you go to that school for incurable illicit…what was it again?" The blonde glanced at Alyssa, who shrugged and just concentrated on not catching Lily's eye.

"I am not some misfit who's bordering on insane," the redheaded witch said hotly. First Petunia and now her friends. Was the whole Muggle world against her? "And I can't believe you'd take Petunia's word over mine."

Janet crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe we would have, if you had a word to oppose Petunia's," she said crossly.

Lily was silent. How could she tell them that she couldn't send them letters without revealing her secret? And what would she write about, anyway? That she took flying lessons on a broom and learned how to turn matches into needles? She looked at her other three "friends," who hadn't spewed out their opinions of her just yet. "Do you guys believe them too?"

"If you don't attend that school your sister keeps telling us about, then where have you been enrolled to?" Kenneth asked bluntly.

Again, Lily found herself unable to say anything.

Joanne rolled her eyes again. "Geez, Lily, if you're even bothering to argue with us, at least come up with a good enough lie. But then again, we wouldn't believe you anyway, would we?"

Lily couldn't believe that these were her friends talking to her. "Well, if I had a few screws loose, you'd rather tell me all about this when I'm safely behind bars or something, wouldn't you! And an insane person wouldn't be allowed to wander around by herself, so it's pretty thick of you to think that I'm losing it!"

"We know how your parents spoil you, we hear Petunia complaining about it every other day in school," Janet replied. "I suppose they pity you, if your teachers need to keep you locked up somewhere to put some sense in your head, although I don't see the point in educating mad lun—"

She was unable to finish her comment, as Lily strode forward and slapped her hard. Lily was well aware of what she was doing, and knew that slapping her friends was not typical eleven-year-old girl behavior, but she had had enough. "How dare you," the redhead seethed, her fists clenched so hard she could feel her fingernails digging into her palm. "I can't believe I considered you my friends! I've been gone for ten months, and you've completely lost your trust in me! I should—" She fought for control, knowing that she was bound to perform illegal magic if she didn't cool down. 

"Joanne, she's getting violent! Call somebody!" Janet whimpered, nursing her stinging cheek and suddenly looking frightened.

"Just run!" Joanne yelled, and simultaneously they started to do so as she said. Lily turned to run in the opposite direction, fearing that her rage would get the better of her and she would find Ministry officials swooping down on her for breaking the rules on underage magic.

She had gotten as far as the edge of the playground when somebody called her name behind her.

"Lily, wait!"

Turning around, she saw Jeff, panting hard from running. "What are you doing? Don't you want to run home and get away from a crackpot like me?" Lily snapped spitefully, glaring at him.

Jeff winced and said, "N-no, I just wanted to tell you that I believe you," he said quietly.

Lily felt the blood rushing to her cheeks. Here was the only one who believed her, and she had just shouted at him. "Oh. Sorry," she muttered, suddenly very interested in her shoes.

"S'okay. I'd fly off the handle too if my friends accused me of going mad," he answered, smiling at Lily. "So…still friends?"

Lily hugged him. "Yeah. Still friends."

~~~ 

She was fifteen. And she knew now that while she was accepted, even admired, in the wizarding world, her life in the Muggle world was slowly crumbling to bits. She sat huddled in a corner of her room, crying silently. It all started that morning…

*dream flashback*

"Sorry, Lily, but we have to end this," Jeff, her boyfriend, said coldly.

"What?" Lily laughed nervously, hoping that this was all a joke. They were in the same playground where Jeff had first told her that he would still stand by her, no matter what, four years ago. "What happened? Did we get into a fight that I didn't even know about?"

"I'm serious." Those two words made Lily's blood run cold.

Lily ran a hand through her red hair, feeling the confusion of being pushed away, which she had once felt with her former Muggle friends, once again. "I don't understand. Did I miss something?" she demanded, her temper threatening to spill over. Her eyes narrowed. "Or maybe there's someone else? Someone you should have told me about?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Nothing that dramatic. This is the way it has to be, that's all."

"You're telling me that you're breaking up just because 'that's the way it has to be'? That's bullshit, and you know it!" Lily found herself swearing, something she never did before.

"Fine, you want the truth?" Jeff snapped, his eyes flashing. "It was all a bet."

Lily's fury faltered, and it was replaced with hurt and confusion. "A…bet?" she said quietly.

Jeff nodded calmly, as if telling your girlfriend that your whole relationship was a bet was something that he did everyday. "Four years ago, when we all found out from Petunia about your…condition, Kenneth made a bet with me. We were all certain that nobody was going to act chummy with you again once you came back, but he dared me to act like your friend for the rest of the summer. He thought I'd chicken out, since that would mean spending time with someone mad, and that would have been dangerous."

It hurt. Lily felt like salt had been poured on her old wounds. "What was at stake?"

"Something Kenneth had that I really wanted. Anyway, that's not important now, is it? It was just an eleven-year-old boy's material wants," Jeff said dismissively, leaning against the ladder of the monkey bars.

"And I suppose that explains why you kept pretending to be my friend, and then my boyfriend, for another three years?" Lily said in the most sarcastic and coldly furious voice that she could muster, even though all she felt like doing at that moment was to burst into tears.

"Well, Kenneth's a rich guy. And even though he's a friend, he doesn't give stuff away that easily, does he? Besides, I thought, two months, that's not such a long time. After that you'd be off to that weird school of yours, no contact until the next summer holidays. Piece of cake, and I'd get a lot of stuff for compensation. It was weird, though, the way Kenneth continued the bets even if he knew I wouldn't back down," Jeff smirked, clearly remembering all the things he had weaseled out of Kenneth for those bets.

"Don't tell me you were willing to be seen in public with 'someone mad' while everyone you knew just ogled from the sidelines!" Lily half-shouted.

Jeff started to laugh. "Are you crazy? Wait, there was no need to say that…" He paused, as Lily glared at him. He didn't know, though, that she was concentrating hard on not letting her tears show. "Everybody knew. Joanne and Janet made sure of that four years ago."

A flurry of emotions whirled around inside Lily. Everybody knew…everybody knew that she was being deceived, that their relationship had been a lie. At that moment, she felt as if all the feelings inside her were tearing her apart. Shock. Pain. Confusion. Betrayal. Fury. And another one, which seemed to be the least present of them all: indifference. She had to stay indifferent, appear unaffected and unscathed. She wouldn't let Jeff and her other "friends" win. She wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt her, took advantage of her and made her life more miserable than it already was.

"I don't see why they're so afraid of you, anyway. You're harmless, and you don't act like you're loony at all. At least, not the way I imagined you to be," Jeff went on.

Lily felt her temper flaring again. If she could only whip out her wand…she'd show him how "harmless" she really was… But a voice at the back of her head was saying, No. Don't let them win. Don't let him get to you… "Did you ever think, for one moment, that maybe you were all wrong, and that Petunia was lying? If you thought that I acted sane enough to be a normal person, then why would you believe otherwise?" she mimicked his dead calm voice, thinking it a miracle that she could keep her rage in check.

Jeff shrugged, infuriating Lily even more. "What's with the questions? Face it, Lily, you just don't belong here. I bought you four years to enjoy what you shouldn't have had since you went to that freak mental school. You should be grateful I've given you that much." He looked at Lily in that aloof way again, probably to make sure that she was processing this information. "Don't you have any friends in that school? You spend the better part of each year with them, anyway."

The redhead stirred from her position, giving him the same distant, penetrating stare. "Yes, I do. And I see now that I wasted two months each year, believing in and trusting someone who would willingly use another person for his own personal gain. I thought you were different, that you would stand by your own decisions, that you wouldn't be so gullible as to conform with the beliefs of shallow and ignorant people who don't know logic when it's staring them in the face." She waited for him to say something, to scorn her words, to launch into his own defensive tirade, or maybe even to ask for forgiveness. But he did none of those things, only staring at her with the same cool expression. "Thank you for making me see how you truly are. I only hope that you yourself will realize what a piece of scum you've been, and what a bastard you will be if you make another girl suffer the same fate I did. Goodbye, Jeff."

She turned around and walked away as steadily as she could. When she was sure that she was out of her ex-boyfriend's sight, she broke into a run, sought sanctuary behind the nearest wall out of other people's view, and let the hot tears slip freely down her face.

*end dream flashback*

Yes, she did have friends in her school. And there, she was respected, and admired, and loved. There she knew loyalty and true amity. There, she was known as a person who had next to no faults, and that was why she was readily accepted. There, she was an actress who lived out a life that she wished she could undo. She wished that she could just be herself. She wished that for once, she could just drop everything and not try to be perfect.

Hogwarts was all she had left. That was why she had no choice but to continue performing her role, because everybody loved the actress, and not the real Lily. If people wouldn't accept her there, then she wouldn't have anything else.

*****

~A/N~

*Quoted by Earl of Lytton

I know I might get some raised eyebrows for Lily's reasons, but that was the best I could do. If some of you don't think so, I'm saying sorry in advance… I'm not too happy with the way things turned out, but this chapter is my longest one yet, passing the 6,000 words mark, and it'd be a pain to do it over…