Title: Four Companions
Author: Egwene
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Sirius/James (what is it with this couple and angst??)
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, admirers, enemies…
Summary: Each of the Marauders deals in his own way with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident. James' POV.
Note: A great thank you to Sophocles who's a wonderful beta and to everybody on the SiriusxJames list for their incredible support!
Feedback much welcomed ;-)
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Chapter 3: A Journey in the Dark
Betrayed.
He had lost more than his boyfriend that night; he had lost his best friend, his brother.
The anger had fed him like fuel for at least two weeks after the Incident.
He was angry with Sirius for putting Remus' whole existence at risk; he was angry with Sirius for his not caring about the other Marauders; he was angry with Sirius for destroying their love and happiness.
But most of all he was angry with himself because what Sirius did to him seemed so much more important in his heart – if not in his head – than what he had done to Remus.
He cared about Remus – a lot. And he felt guilty because he could not help being more furious about Sirius betraying him and their relationship than his revealing Remus' secret.
The anger was good; it had helped him putting his love aside.
He had bonded more with Peter and Remus.
Peter was a great guy and he was glad to spend more time with him. He had to admit he had neglected him a little when he had spent all his free time with his boyfriend.
But all good things have to end, and after a few weeks, the anger had faded away.
It became harder and harder not to notice the hurt and desperate look that had taken permanent residence on Sirius' face
The barely talked. Civilities were exchanged in classrooms or at breakfast when Sirius did show up.
They would not be friends again. Being boyfriends was something unconceivable now.
But his love for Sirius was still there, chaining his heart to the other Gryffindor.
It hurt to watch him suffer from isolation day after day, and it hurt even more to think it was partly his fault.
James wanted to forgive his best friend for his treason; he wanted nothing more in the world, but he could not do it.
He kept wondering what could happen if he forgave him.
Would they stay friends? Would they start dating again? Would Sirius crush his newly mended heart again at the first occasion?
For some reason the doubts were too strong to allow him to forget and move on.
Why was he not able to forgive him?
Why was it so hard to push away a simple mistake?
He was sure Sirius had meant no harm – well, not to them anyway – so why could he not put it past him and get his best friend back?
He knew he should talk about it with Sirius, he knew it would help him resolve issues, but it was too hard.
He was afraid he would not be able to remain calm through the conversation and would tell things he would regret bitterly later.
Part of his brain acknowledged that the situation could not get worse than it was already, but it was a small, insignificant, not-listened-to part.
He still didn't know what exactly had happened that fateful night. Sirius had tried to explain, but James had not listened to him. He had dismissed everything he could have said as lies and deception.
He had been cold and detached when he had broken up with his boyfriend of three months, and he wondered how he had managed it, considering the inner turmoil that had been ravaging him at that moment.
He rose from his chair in the common room.
It was time.
The doubts were getting weaker and weaker and he wanted so much to be with Sirius again, even if they were nothing more than friends.
He looked at Remus and Peter. They nodded. All was said.
He climbed the stairs to the seventh year dorm where Sirius usually was when the others were in the common room. He always retreated behind the curtains of his bed before they came back each night.
Step after step, he let his mind wander as he recalled his shock when they had learned from Regulus Black that Sirius had been disowned during the holidays. Apparently he had run away from home and never intended to go back.
James had been very worried at first.
What could have pushed Sirius to leave his house before his 17th birthday?
Then he was angry that Sirius had not told him, just before he remembered they were nothing more than strangers these days, and Sirius had no reason to tell him anything, even less personal things.
He was still worried. Where would Sirius stay during the summer holidays? Surely he didn't have enough money to rent a room in an inn for two months. And even if by some miracle he had some money, he didn't have the right to get a place of his own. He wouldn't turn seventeen until next November.
They hadn't asked about it. He hadn't asked about it.
That was the first time he had realised he could indeed forgive Sirius and maybe there was still a chance – even infinitesimal – for them to rebuilt their relationship.
A few weeks after that revelation, he had asked for his friends' advice.
Peter had been very vehement of the fact that he would never be able to trust Sirius fully ever again, and had asked what the point was to love without trust.
Remus, on the other hand, had been surprisingly sympathetic. He had admitted he had forgiven Sirius a long time ago in his heart. He had not said anything yet because he had felt that James was not ready.
He had told him how he had watched each of them be miserable without the other.
He stopped at the last step, a few inches away from the door.
It was closed, but not locked. He took a deep breath and pushed it open.
Sirius was sitting at a table in the dark, his back to the door. Nothing in his attitude indicated he had heard James enter.
James made a few more steps inside the room and stopped.
"We have to talk, Sirius."
Sirius did not answer. He was crying.
James' heart shattered. He called again.
It had been a stupid mistake. He didn't need to try so hard. It was already forgiven.
When he realised Sirius was not going to answer, he moved on, lighter and happier than he had been in the last two months.
He stopped again, just before reaching his friend.
"Sirius, please."
Sirius did not move; he held something shiny in his right hand. It was difficult to see in the dark room.
A knife.
James felt the knot in his stomach tighten.
Surely Sirius was not considering suicide, was he?
The knife was dropped when he closed in the distance that separated them.
He did not think about it, and hugged his friend from behind. It was awkward but it was a form of contact.
Sirius flinched and stiffened.
"I love you."
The simple truth.
James felt Sirius soften in his arms. He was crying too.
He looked and saw the horrible red slashes across Sirius' left forearm and hold him tighter. His heart clenched in his chest.
They would find a way to make everything all right again. They had to.
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A/N: the last chapter will feature Remus' POV of course ;-)