In the Way
By Dimantrien
A/N ~ I know, I know, late again. Due to complicated circumstances, I wasn't able to get hold of the Internet in more than a month. Well…without further ado…
"Life is easier to take than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable."
~Kathleen Norris
Chapter 7: Release
It was peaceful, out on the grounds. The only sounds to be heard were the rustling of the trees and the whistling of an occasional breeze overhead. And there were no other people strolling around. Nami liked it that way. Not a single bird was to be seen in the sky, except for a barn owl that she saw, with an envelope in its beak, swooping in the direction of the Gryffindor tower.
As she neared the Forbidden Forest, her destination, somebody jumped out from the trees and tackled her onto the overgrown grass.
"You idiot! Get off me!" she exclaimed, punching her assailant in the chest. "I can't breathe!"
Sirius rolled off her, laughing and standing up in case she intended to chase him and whack him with a stick. Unbeknownst to their separate sets of friends and all the students, the two had formed an unlikely friendship ever since that fateful truce two months ago. They decided not to announce it to the whole school, though, because of the wild rumors that would no doubt circulate concerning their relationship. The two were on completely platonic terms, and it would be awkward if people started to think they were a couple, mostly due to all the "a fine line between love and hate" crap that Sirius liked to preach, as Nami pointed out. They were surprised to find the other as good company once they stopped jumping at each other's throat.
Nami stood up and glared at him as she brushed bits of grass and dirt off her. Undaunted, Sirius just grinned back and asked, "How did Lily take the prank that Prongs pulled on her?"
"I don't know. It was hard to tell whether she wanted to hang him or chop him up piece by piece," Nami said mock-thoughtfully. "Why? Did you volunteer to be his spy, knowing that you could just ask me and he'd never know it and think that you're bloody brilliant?"
Sirius sat down Indian-style on the ground. "That's a marvelous idea, but no. Nothing too elaborate. Prongs was just worrying about her reaction. I reckon he really has started to fancy her …"
Nami rolled her eyes. "You told me that theory ages ago, and up to now I still can't see why you think that constant harassment can be a possible tactic in making someone fall in love with another. Besides, James was probably thinking of how Lily would get back at him. There's nothing romantic about that."
"Very well then, would you like to bet on that?" Sirius asked confidently, staring her down.
The raven-haired girl gazed back suspiciously. "I don't think so. With you, there are too many possibilities…besides, I don't like placing bets on my friends."
Sirius grinned at her. "What's the matter? Can't even take a risk? If you're so dead set on them hating each other, then why won't you give it a chance?"
Knowing that she had no choice, Nami sighed and gave in. "Fine. You set your conditions first."
"Twenty Galleons says Prongs and Lily become official at the end of next week," Sirius said boldly. It was Saturday, so that meant that his bet would only take effect on or after the next Saturday.
Nami looked at him critically. "Twenty Galleons? Isn't that a bit much?" she asked as she sorted through her money bag.
"I can afford it," Sirius said defensively, holding up his much bigger and heavier bag and shaking it to make the coins inside jangle together.
"Figures. There's no real risk for you, because you're filthy rich anyway and you won't experience any real loss." She smirked and emptied out her money bag. "Well then…I bet sixteen Galleons, twelve Sickles and fifteen Knuts that they will snog each other senseless under the moon and the stars during the Halloween Feast."
Sirius just stared at her with his mouth agape in shock. "Are you mad? Just a second ago you were saying the exact opposite of what you're betting on! Are you going to throw away your savings for that? What are you on about?" he sputtered.
Nami merely smiled sweetly at him. "I'm only showing you that I do take risks, and that I can prove you, Sirius Black, wrong, as I have already done time and time again."
"Liar. Give me an incident when you proved me wrong," Sirius demanded, crossing his arms in feigned irritation and offense.
Nami's dark brown eyes twinkled in amusement. "Plenty. There was that time in the forest, when you said that you never knew girls could think about gruesome things without flinching, which means that you believed otherwise and that I had proven that the contradiction was true."
"That's not valid, it was an offhand comment that was a product of annoyance and exasperation, meaning that I wasn't thinking rationally at that time," Sirius retorted, remembering the time when they had that detention together.
"You do realize that you're making it sound like you fall into random lapses of insanity from time to time," Nami said in a conversational tone. When Sirius merely scowled back at her, she said, "Okay, okay. On that same night, you unwittingly admitted to me that you were a complete prat—"
"Which I'm not," Sirius interrupted, still glaring at her.
Nami smirked. "Wrong again. You were a complete prat then. Still are, as a matter of fact," she added, laughing when Sirius whacked her on the arm for that.
"You offend me," said Sirius in a sniffy tone, pretending to be hurt. "I thought we were finally friends."
Nami nodded solemnly, going along with his act. "I accepted you, even though you're a complete prat. Isn't that enough reason to say that I am your friend?"
Sirius gave up and tackled her to the ground again, tickling her mercilessly.
*****
James, Peter and Remus were in the library. The first two were working on a Defense against the Dark Arts essay while Remus was idly watching them, having been finished with his essay on the day that it was assigned.
Finally James couldn't take this behavior anymore, and burst out, "For Merlin's sake, don't just sit there and gloat like the DADA genius that you are and do something if you're going to stay here with us!" This earned him a hard glare from the librarian, which he promptly ignored.
Remus, grinning amusedly at James's predicament, scurried off and returned with that day's edition of the Daily Prophet. "Happy now?" he mouthed to his friend, who scowled and went back to work. The werewolf noted that James had been unusually on edge after he had pulled that prank on Lily…
He put it aside, however, and focused on the Daily Prophet. The pages were in wild disorder as it was the library copy and the people who had used it didn't bother much with straightening it up again after they had read through it. Remus noticed that he was on the Sports page and rifled through the newspaper looking for the headlines. He successfully found it (there were various thumb marks and smudges on it) and read the bold letters unfurled at the front: You-Know-Who Strikes Again—Mass Muggle Killing at Little Whinging.
(A/N – I have no idea about towns and cities in Britain, so let's just pretend that Lily lives in Little Whinging, OK?)
"Hey, doesn't Lily Evans live there?" Peter asked over Remus's shoulder, losing interest in doing his homework.
James's head shot up from the piece of parchment he was furiously writing on. "What's that? Let me see," he demanded, stretching out his hand for the newspaper. Remus complied, wondering at James's strange behavior.
James scanned the article and frowned. "They didn't mention names," he said, giving back the newspaper to Remus.
Peter shrugged. "'Course they didn't. They were only Muggles; I'm surprised the Daily Prophet put them in the front page at all," he said matter-of-factly in a very un-Peter-like way.
"Yes…still…but—something's wrong…" James muttered vaguely. He jumped up from his seat. "I've gotta go!"
His two friends stared at him in confusion. "Huh? But—" Before they could say another word, James was running (a bit noisily, too) across the library to the entrance, and Madame Pince gave him the most withering glare she had.
"What was that all about?" Peter asked Remus, finally looking like his usual baffled self.
*****
Lily brushed away her tears as she stumbled out of the kitchens after getting what she needed. In her other hand were the two letters she recently received.
To Miss Lily Marie Evans:
It is with our deepest regrets that we inform you that your parents, William and Cassidy Evans, have perished in the mass killing of Muggles in your area, Little Whinging. Send us a form including the required information on any living relatives who you feel are capable of being your legal guardians. You will be sent an owl to notify you of your new guardian/s after the necessary procedures have been completed. Present any other inquiries to your Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, who will contact us if the need arises. Thank you for your cooperation, and once again we express our most sincere condolences.
Sincerely Yours,
Leticia Ascott
DEPARTMENT OF MAGICAL ACCIDENTS AND CATASTROPHES
Ministry of Magic
Angrily, Lily continued to wipe at her face, even though a fresh batch of tears would still come after every dab she made at her eyes. They made it sound so formal and cold, as if her parents' deaths didn't matter to them at all…as if her mother and father were just people who were mindless enough to be caught in the crossfire of whatever magical mishap had happened.
But the letter that had pierced Lily more, and had made her set her mind to what she had to do, was the next:
I hate you! Mum and Dad didn't do anything, and they didn't deserve to die. But those freaks that are just like you went and killed them! It's all your fault! If you weren't one of them, if you were just normal, this wouldn't have happened! Mum already had so little time left and you took even that away from her! I never want to see your freak face again! You should have been the one to die!
The short note was not signed, but it was obvious who wrote it. Petunia's last words weighed heavily on Lily's conscience and had pushed her to run as fast as she could to one of the more secluded towers in the castle with a knife in hand. The house elves were gullible enough to give it to her without question, not knowing that she was experiencing more emotional anguish than she could ever take…not knowing that at that very moment, all she wanted to do was to give everything up, to end everything and release herself from all her pain.
She encountered no one as she made her way to the tower that was previously used as a "spare classroom" for Astronomy classes three years before—they had stopped using it because of a second year who had once leaned over the crumbling ledge and fell ten stories down before a student coming back from Quidditch practice came just in time to catch him. The authorities could have easily reinforced the tower's structure had they wanted to, but they decided not to and moved Astronomy classes to another higher, more convenient place—which was henceforth labeled the Astronomy Tower.
Lily climbed up the steps, which were covered with a thick layer of dust because of misuse, and reached the top of the tower: a circular, open place with weather-beaten ledges that, in some places, crumbled to pieces, leaving large gaps. One step beyond these would mean jumping to instant death to the ground twenty stories below. But that wasn't the kind of suicide attempt she had in mind—all she had to do was slit her wrists with the knife, and that would be it. Nobody came to this place anymore, save for a few reckless students who were looking for a bit of danger. She would be long dead before anyone would find her. She wiped away the last of her tears and shakily held the knife up, examining it.
It gleamed silver in the sunlight, sharp as a razor's edge. The longer she stared at it, the more her fear ebbed away… This was what had to be done; nobody would care if she died… She had no one left, nothing to live for. She deserved to die. Her sister said so herself. Nobody would miss her. If they did, they would only think that they missed her…they cared only for the perfect Lily, the person that she pretended to be. But they didn't know that she was the exact opposite…it was too hard to keep up with her charade. The people for whom she wanted to prove herself were no longer there for her…her father, who expected much from her…her mother, who she didn't dare disappoint, if only to make her happier in her remaining days…her sister, who had turned away from her years ago and had reached the ultimate point of contempt and hatred for her own kin…her friends, who never really knew her and the life she had chosen to lead because she had chosen to do so.
She took a deep breath and brought the blade down to her wrist…
*****
James frantically ran through the halls, searching for Lily. He had already gone to the Gryffindor tower…nobody had seen Lily anywhere near the dorms, apparently she had not gone back to the tower since that morning, when she was clutching a letter with the seal of the Ministry in her hand…
He stopped running, thinking through the places where Lily could possibly be if she were under considerable emotional turmoil. He just knew that something bad had happened to her; he couldn't explain it, but he had to find her immediately. He wrenched the doorknob of an unused classroom and flung the door open, looking inside. No Lily.
Where is she?
*****
Although Lily repeatedly told herself that she shouldn't be scared, that this was what she had to do, her hand couldn't stop shaking—from fear or from the frigid late-October air, she didn't know. She just couldn't bring herself to slash her wrists—not yet.
She bit her tongue accidentally and dropped the knife. It made a clashing sound on the floor, metal to stone.
So you're standing on the ledge
It looks like you might fall
So far down
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping
Something clicked in her head, a memory not too long ago.
"Ow!" Lily exclaimed as she bit her tongue by accident.
"What happened?" a pajama-clad Nami asked concernedly.
Lily winced at the pain but said, "Nothing, I just bit my tongue, is all…"
"Somebody must have been thinking or talking about you at that moment, then! Quick, ask for a number.".
"Ten!" Chloe announced, before looking at the Oriental girl in confusion. "What for?"
"A, B, C, D…" Nami appeared to be counting the letters off her fingers. "Letter J? Think of somebody whose name starts with a J."
"Er…" Lily said, trying to do what Nami said but wondering where she was going with this.
Chloe bounced up and down. "James Potter! Oh, Lily, I bet he was thinking about you just now!" she commented, looking at the redhead jealously.
Numerous other things swam into her head. Was this what it was like when you knew you were going to die? She read somewhere that people who were on the brink of death remembered all the pleasant moments of their lives, to give them solace before that one final goodbye to the world of the living. But she was never truly happy with her life when she found out that she was a witch. Things were so much easier before that… If she declined the offer to go to Hogwarts, would she not feel the way she did now? Would things have been better?
She just couldn't keep up with her façade anymore. It had started breaking already this school year, and it was all James Potter's fault. Yes, it was his fault… If he hadn't nosed his way into her life and made her old wounds burst open, she would still be out there, acting out the life that she was supposed to lead…a perfect life, a life that she knew was a lie. But it worked, and that was what mattered…
Now you could have it all
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly
I'm not content to crawl
She stared down at the knife lying harmlessly at her feet. She shouldn't have any doubts. Maybe it was partially his fault, but she was the one that made her life the way it was. She shouldn't put the blame on others…because she had to admit her own faults. She was responsible for her parents' deaths, and she was going to be responsible for her own death. Not anyone else.
*****
After searching fruitlessly from room to room, passage to passage, James still couldn't find her. He was now out on the grounds, thinking there was a fair chance that Lily would be there. He felt as if there was a time limit to locating Lily, as if he had to be there before it was too late…
So give me a little credit
Have in me a little faith
I want to be with you forever
If tomorrow's not too late
But too late for what, exactly? It wasn't like he knew her…and they certainly weren't friends. Why was he darting around the castle like a madman, searching for the girl he loathed the most? Or the girl he thought he loathed the most…he wasn't so sure now. He was starting to get confused with the jumble of feelings inside him…
He was sure that her family had died in that Muggle attack. The Ministry only sent letters to minors when there was an accident or emergency caused by magic…when there was no adult around to receive the letter for the child. He knew…because he had seen it, after the day his aunt and uncle died… His eight-year-old cousin had cried for weeks…
He hoped Lily wasn't going to do anything stupid. People usually did that, when they were overcome with grief. Like…snapping at perfectly polite people, or locking themselves in their rooms for days without eating, or—
James stopped short. Or committing suicide. No way, Lily wasn't dumb enough to try killing herself, wasn't she? He was just jumping to conclusions, yes, that was it… He was being paranoid…
Wasn't he?
He had finally found out two months ago that Lily was suffering some kind of internal struggle that she tried to hide from everyone, including her friends. And at that same time of revelation, he had found out that—that he liked her. There. He said it. He was falling for Lily Evans… But where is she now? His inner voice suddenly shouted at him, snapping him out of his self-admitting thoughts. He started to panic. He couldn't take any chances. That letter arrived hours ago…Lily could be anywhere… And Sirius had the map with him! Damn, where was that goofball when you needed him?
But it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say
Somewhere, he heard people laughing. And coming toward him were two figures…two people who were the last thing he thought he would see together…
"—and then he said—" Sirius was narrating when James got to them.
"Padfoot!" James shouted, pushing aside the thought of Sirius and his worst enemy laughing together instead of clawing each others' eyes out.
Sirius paled and glanced from Nami to James. "Wait, Prongs, I can explain everything—"
"I don't care! Just give me the map!"
"See, I took Wormtail's advice and—what did you say?" Sirius looked at his best friend, baffled that James wasn't asking any questions as to why he was strolling around with his supposedly worst enemy.
"The map! I've got to find Lily right now!" James demanded impatiently.
Sirius still looked dumbfounded. Nami sighed and stuck her hand in one of Sirius' pockets, extracting the folded Marauder's Map. "Still an idiot," she muttered, shaking her head at Sirius. Sirius glared at her and she glared right back; after a moment they burst out laughing.
James ignored this friendly little exchange and snatched the map from Nami's hands, frantically searching for a dot labeled "Lily Evans."
"Why're you looking for her anyway? And might I remind you, James, that that is a very unwise thing to do, as she's still sour about that prank you did earlier," Nami reminded as she watched James quizzically.
There! Lily was in one of the unused towers, and luckily for him it would only take a few minutes to get there… He broke into a run, hoping that it wasn't too late. He didn't know that Sirius and Nami were staring after him, wondering what got into his head. All that mattered was getting to Lily as soon as possible…
Lily couldn't give up; she had so much to live for…
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises today
He had to stop her.
*****
Lily knelt down and picked up the knife with her right hand, once again positioning it against her left wrist.
So you're walking on the edge
And you wait your turn to fall
She bit her lip and listened to a voice in her head saying, Do it, do it, do it now!!! She didn't hear the soft pattering of footsteps in the direction of the staircase. She thought about her parents, and how much she loved them, and how she would never see their faces again, even if she wanted to stay alive. And how it was her fault that they were gone forever.
But you're so far gone
That you don't see
The hands upheld to catch you
It was now or never… She shut her eyes and winced as she started to slit her wrist…
"Accio knife!"
Lily's emerald eyes flew open at the sound of the male voice. She was so startled, she barely registered the fact that the knife had slipped from her fingers and into the waiting hands of James Potter. There was a shallow cut on her wrist. Blood came out of it and she watched, for a split second, in morbid fascination as the droplets traveled down her hand and dropped to the ground.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" James yelled, catching the handle of the knife deftly and throwing it aside. He reached Lily in three long strides and grabbed her unwounded wrist.
Lily, snapping out of her reverie, turned at him angrily and said, "Leave me alone, Potter! This has nothing to do with you!" She tried not to think about the fact that James was as pale as a ghost, and that his hazel eyes were filled with worry and fear. How could he, when he hated her so much? He wasn't even supposed to be here!
And you could find the fault
In the heart that you've been handed
For though you cannot fly
You're not content to crawl
"I don't care! Don't ever try that again! That's the dumbest and most cowardly thing you could do. It's stupid to throw your life away," James said fiercely, his eyes changing from concerned to furious.
Lily's vision blurred as she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She couldn't do this anymore. She didn't know what to think. "I killed them. It was my fault… I have to do this…" Her shoulders shook and she tried to push him away.
"And you think killing yourself would bring them back? What are you playing at?" James noticed her struggling and didn't let go.
"You don't know anything! You brought it all back, I don't want to think about them anymore! I just want it all to stop…" Lily broke down completely, bursting out loud sobs and leaning into James for support. "This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you."
If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
James' expression softened as the tears continued to slip down Lily's cheeks. He hated seeing girls cry; he never knew what to do and it made him feel extremely awkward. "So you're saying it's my fault," he stated. It wasn't a question.
"N-no, it's just…" Lily continued crying. She hated crying in front of other people, and she hated how blubbering like a completely incoherent sap came along with it. And it was ten times worse because he was the one who saw her at her weakest. But she didn't care anymore, she was too confused. She didn't even push James away further when he wrapped his arms around her in a consoling hug.
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down
"Lily, I'm really sorry about acting horrible to you this year, and if you want to, I'll just stay away from you…if that'll make you feel better," James said hurriedly. Suddenly, Lily observed through watery eyes, he was trying to avert his gaze.
Even though she felt so much pain weighing on her shoulders, Lily couldn't help but feel as if a tiny part of her stirred at his comment. "That's what I hate about you. You think the world revolves around you, Potter," she said spitefully. She tried furiously to get rid of all the tears, now acutely aware of how humiliating this all was. The "perfect" side was resurfacing once again… "My parents just died." A fresh batch of tears made their way out of her eyes and she gave up trying to stop them.
"I think you already said that," James said quietly, ignoring her insult. Lily was still shaking uncontrollably so he backed against the wall near the doorway and sat down, still holding her in his arms. Even though he knew that she was going through a terrible ordeal, he couldn't help but crack a small smile as he looked down at her. She looked like a helpless child, which was a big change from her normal composed, on-top-of-the-world appearance.
He had no idea that this was the way things were going to turn out. If he only knew, then maybe he could have prevented Lily from doing what she did. Somehow, he felt that it was partly his fault that she was in this mess…
The answers we find
Are never what we had in mind
But then again, if he hadn't gotten in the way of her seemingly perfect existence, he wouldn't have found out that it was all just a mask that she put up. He wouldn't have known that she had a vulnerable side to her, an emotional weakness that left her hanging through life by a thread.
He wouldn't have fallen in love with her.
And he decided that this time things were going to change. Just the same way Lily changed from being virtually faultless to being frail and depressed, just the same way that he had changed from hating her to liking her.
So we make it up as we go along
All the things that made Lily what she was now were probably in the past, James decided. And she was too afraid to risk repeating it, whatever it was. So she had to hide it, keep it in a tight ball within her until a time came when it would resurface and wreck her. He promised not to let her make the same mistake. He almost smiled at the irony; not too long ago, he had sworn to make Lily Evans miserable just because she annoyed him with the way she had run her life. Now he knew that some vows were made to be broken.
You don't talk of dreams
I won't mention tomorrow
We won't make those promises
That we can't keep
He rested his chin on top of her head. She was still sobbing into his chest, but he had gotten over the awkwardness and just watched her let all the pain out, keeping his thoughts to himself and not uttering a single word. They stayed in that position for what seemed like hours to James, when he finally heard Lily stop sniffling. Thinking that she had fallen asleep, he stirred and made to get up.
He laid her gently against the wall before standing up. Her eyes were closed and her face was unusually red and blotchy from crying. James figured that she needed some time alone and started to take a step toward the doorway when a hand tugged at his trouser leg. He turned around, surprised.
"Please don't leave me alone," Lily whispered in a hoarse and melancholy voice that was enough to break anybody's heart. James wordlessly sat down again beside her and she leaned her head against his shoulder, the tears silently flowing down her cheeks once more. At the corner of his eye, James noticed the knife. He summoned it to him, transfigured it into a stone and hurled it as far as he could into the distance.
"Don't worry," he said softly, staring out at the cloudless blue sky that contrasted their moods greatly.
I will never leave you
I will not let you down…
"I'm not going anywhere."
*****
~A/N~
Pretty dramatic chapter, huh? I think the next one's gonna be the last…unless I change my mind and think of a brilliant idea for a couple more chapters…which I probably won't ^_^;; Anyway, please give me some feedback, preferably the positive kind…reviews are the only payment we fanfic authors get for writing…