The weather makes me want to garden... yet here I am, writing this chapter. What's wrong with me? I should be outside, in the sun... we never get any sun these days. Anyway, please continue reading! Lilian xXx
Chandler smiled to himself as he settled down that night, trying to sleep. His first date in years, and it had gone so well. It had even ended with a kiss. But neither of them felt ready to go any further at all. It seemed comfortable, and he knew he was having conflicting feelings at that time.
It was Monica's funeral in three days, and he wasn't prepared at all. Part of him didn't want to go anyway. What relation was she to him? What kind of friend had she been? She didn't deserve him to attend. Why should he go?
But, he realised as he fluffed up Joey's old yellow pillow, he knew deep down he had to go. It was a final goodbye. Monica may have made him look an idiot that day at the wedding, but he had loved her once. Part of him still did. A large part.
As he drifted off to sleep, he had the same dream he's had for the past week. Monica was calling to him. She was holding out her arms, and he was ignoring her, but for the first time in this dream scenario, he turned to see her face. It had tears streaming down the cheeks, her eyes were red and sore from crying, and her mouth was opening and shutting, almost like a fish. It broke his heart.
And then suddenly... Candy? Well, that was no surprise, as he'd been with her minutes before. She was in front of him, with Monica, trying to push her away, her blonde hair flying in Monica's face, her own face displaying anger. But something was pulling him away from the scene... something, or someone? His face was pulled away, and he saw a flash of red-blonde hair, a small sweet smile, and felt a kiss on his cheek that was so warm, so loving. He didn't want to watch the fight. He wanted this woman, yet in his dream he couldn't make out her face... just her hair... it felt so familiar to his touch...
Rachel.
He awoke with a start, breathing rapidly, as he remembered the dream. He'd not wanted Candy. Rachel had led him away from Monica and Candy, and he'd wanted to be with her, for that split second in his dream.
But it was only a dream, he assured himself. Still... why would he dream that? Was there a hidden meaning? Did he have feelings for Rachel? He had been pretty sure before... when he decided to leave New York, part of the reason was to get away from Rachel. He didn't trust himself around her, especially when she was so close to Ross, giving birth to Emma, it hadn't felt right.
He sat in the same position for five minutes, thinking, when he heard a door open behind him. Jumping round, he saw Rachel, her hand on her head, staggering out of her room. She looked up when she heard Chandler cough politely.
"Oh... Chandler, I'm sorry," she said, pulling her dressing-gown around her. "I needed a drink... and a tablet, my head hurts so much."
Chandler clucked sympathetically, and Rachel looked surprised at the noise, but shrugged and wandered over to the kitchen. "Can't you sleep?" she asked conversationally.
"No... thinking about things," Chandler said honestly, and went to join her. "Monica, to name one of... three."
"Three things, huh," Rachel said, smiling. "And I thought that men could only concentrate on one thing at a time."
Chandler laughed. "Where did you hear that from? I'm sure that can't be true," he said, resting against the kitchen table. Rachel poured out some water and grabbed a tablet from the cupboard, before turning to look at her friend.
"Actually, Monica told me," she said sadly. "One of the times we were having our 'Why were Men Created' talks. We used to have them quite often... until she fell in love with you," she said quietly.
Chandler nodded, not wanting to say anything, just to listen.
"She did love you," Rachel told him sincerely. "She was... confused. I hated her for ruining your life. I guess you mean a lot to me, Chandler."
"Thanks," he said, feeling himself go slightly red. Thank god it was in the middle of the night, and they were both coping with the dim kitchen bulb. He couldn't make out much colour, only shapes and shades.
"I could never forgive her for leaving you," Rachel said thoughtfully. "I never realised until then how important your friendship was to me. You've always been there... sarcasm and everything," she joked. Chandler smiled sadly. "But sometimes, it helped. Your jokes. I used to pretend to get annoyed with them, but they made me laugh."
"Why couldn't you have told me then?" he joked, as they both sat down. She touched his hand, and he didn't move it away. Both of them felt comfortable in each others company.
"I guess I never wanted to be the odd one out, and admit I actually liked your jokes," she teased, reaching for her cup and aspirin. Her face fell, as they both suddenly realised that the day they were both dreading was ever nearer. The day of Monica's funeral... and the day that Chandler would leave? Maybe. Maybe not. Neither of them were entirely sure what would happen.
"Rache," Chandler said, feeling that now was a good time to get his thoughts out in the open. "You mean a lot to me too, you know that, right? I felt so bad after what you told me a few days ago. About why Monica died. I blamed you. And it wasn't your fault. You felt mad at her, for me, and I'm so grateful to you. I just... I wish things could have been different, but I want you to know that I don't blame you. You're probably my closest friend right now. I need you so much. I feel like I could tell you anything right now. Is that just me?"
Rachel hesitated. It meant a lot to her that Chandler felt able to tell her all that. She was his closest friend? She didn't know whether to feel honoured or to cry. Getting closer in a friend way wouldn't help her situation... it would make it worse. The more they became friends, the less she wanted to ruin their friendship. Yet Monica did it... but look what happened to them.
"I...err..."
Chandler looked miserable. "You don't feel like that?"
"No, I do, Chandler, it's just I have this problem... god, I wasn't gonna tell you until after the funeral..."
Chandler put his head on one side. "Then don't," he said simply. "If you'd rather not tell me yet, that's fine."
Rachel sighed. "Really? Chandler, I promise, I will tell you," she said determindly, as if to assure herself. Hours earlier she'd told herself she would tell him the next day. But she had thought, and decided that Chandler needed no more heartaches until after he'd got through the next few days. But would it be a heartache? Rachel didn't know, and she didn't want to risk it.
"Thank you," she said, touching his hand again. He looked down, and put his other hand on top, rubbing hers. She was freezing, and Chandler was worried that she wanted to go.
"You're cold, Rache," he said. "Do you want to go back to bed? I'll clear up here, don't worry."
"No," she said quickly. "I... I like this. We don't talk much anymore, as you've been away. No one else is around. Unless you want to go to sleep again."
Chandler smiled. "No, I like this too. We don't need sleep," he joked.
Rachel shifted in her seat, getting comfortable. She grit her teeth as she said "How was the date?"
Chandler grimaced. He hadn't thought of Candy since he'd woken up. His feelings about her seemed to have changed slightly since the dream. He was a little worried about what he was feeling at that moment. He could only think of Rachel. Perhaps it was because she was sitting right next to him, but he thought it was something more than that. Something inside him made him want to reach out, touch her face, kiss her...
"I... it was good," Chandler said. "We have a lot of things in common. She's pretty."
Rachel nodded. She forced a smile on her face. "I'm glad you're happy Chandler."
Chandler looked at her, and decided to be honest. "I was," he said. "Sounds silly, doesn't it? It's the kind of thing you say about a woman you've been married to for years, not some girl you've been out with once. When I fell asleep a couple of hours ago, I was happy. I'd forgotten about Monica, forgotten about everything. She was the only thing that was on my mind. But when I woke up... it was while I was asleep, something must have changed. I can't explain it," he said, finishing abruptly. "Let's just say, we'll see what happens in the next couple of days."
"Is it Monica?" she asked him gently. "Is she still preying on your mind? Do you still love her?"
Chandler stared at her. "No," he said quietly. "I don't love her anymore. I can't. Not after what she's done. I'm sorry it had to end this way, and I'm gonna miss her, and I cared for her. But I don't think I loved her in the weeks, maybe months before she died. I was full of self-hatred, and I felt desperate. I felt I needed her. No one else had loved me like she had. But I'm starting to think... maybe there isn't just one woman for every guy, or vice versa. Or maybe she wasn't my soul mate."
"Then what is it?" Rachel asked. She felt something was about to happen, and she couldn't help but sigh frustratedly as she heard Emma start to cry from her bedroom. She stood up. "I'd better go sort her out," she said, as Chandler stood up too.
"Yeah," he said, and pulled her in to a hug. "You don't know how helpful you've been, Rache."
Rachel nodded, trying not to cry. She had been so close to finding out what he was really feeling. She could have deduced from that whether to say anything about how she felt.
As she pulled away, Chandler went to kiss her on the cheek, but she moved her head, as she went to turn to see to Emma. His lips touched hers, and they both pulled away almost instantly, looking at each other. Nothing was said, nothing could be heard as Rachel moved her head forwards ever so slowly. Chandler did the same. They seemed to melt together, and as his lips touched hers again, she felt free for the first time in years, happy, and she felt right.
But as they both pulled away again, the realisation of what she'd done hit her like a stone. From the look on Chandler's face she could tell he was having similar thoughts. What had they just done? They'd shown each other how they really felt... and it scared them both too much.
Chandler felt so angry with himself. He'd just kissed Rachel, something that he knew would upset his best friend, and he felt he'd betrayed Monica, in some strange way. Rachel had been Monica's best friend. And neither of them had actually told each other how they'd felt. Just shown it. But the kiss had felt right, at the time.
There was an awkward silence, interrupted by another yell from Emma. Rachel took it as an excuse to run, whispering a hurried goodnight to Chandler as she entered her own room. She went to check Emma, and picked her up, rocking her. Rachel closed her eyes as she wondered whether they'd ruined their friendship forever.
Back in the kitchen, Chandler was standing, not moving much, and thinking. Rachel had felt the same way about him. He could tell. Yet how would it ever work? And what about Candy?
What about Monica?
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Hope you enjoyed. I hope you didn't think this was rushed (this chapter) I just thought it seemed right... both were opening up to each other, both realised they had feelings for each other... anyways, please read and review (as you've been so good at doing it so far.) xXx