Sometimes when I was alone, I'd think of what life would be like if I
was with Chris. What it'd be like to hold Chris' hand, what it'd be like to
have him smile at me and have eyes only for me. I never knew what it was
like to have a boy's attention romantically. Maybe it was time for me to
just give up, move on, and forget about my feelings for Chris. He was my
best friend, and maybe in the scheme of things that was all we were meant
to be. Best friends...nothing more, nothing less. That was it.
In the days that followed that night when Chris had told me of his Godforsaken job, I started looking elsewhere in the hallways. I couldn't wait for Chris forever—if he didn't like me in that way, that was that. I couldn't change it—I couldn't force him to love me. In the end, I only had me and that was that. As I walked down the hall with Chris and Gordie and the guys, I'd taken notice to other guys. None were comparable to Chris in my mind, but beggars can't be choosers. I knew that most guys wouldn't look at me in that way...sure I got attention from guys. But it was the head nod, or the "Hey Larko!! What's up?"...simple things.
Simple. I suppose that was how I felt. So freaking simple. Life was tiresome...I continued to walk signs of blasphemy. I hated it...when would I just feel content? My mind was exhausted from constantly thinking of ways that I could change...lose weight, straighten hair, and pucker the lips. It hurt my head so badly to a point where I wanted to scream and cry, hold up my white flag and surrender. I was used to girls walking and talking constantly to Chris, but after my newfound crush on him, it made me so jealous. No necessarily of the fact that he was screwing half of them—no, the fact that they were so pretty. I wanted to look like them...be pretty and feminine. Why couldn't I dammit?! What was the problem here?
Me. I was the problem...too stubborn to accept reality. I had to face the facts, the truth in this world I lived in...maybe I just wouldn't ever love and be loved in return.
~~~
"Hey Lark."
I looked up and grinned when I saw Gordie come over and place his bag on the steps next to me outside of school. He looked tired and his hair was sticking out in all directions. He had the beginnings of dark bags under his eyes and his lips were chapped...he looked a bit like Chris had looked the night at my house not too long ago.
"You look beat," I said, sliding over as Gordie plopped tiredly next to me. He sighed and rubbed his head—just looking at him made me exhausted. I wasn't used to everyone around me always being so incredibly tired, and it brought me down to. All of a sudden I felt like taking a nap, and the irony of it all made me giggle. Gordie looked questionably at me and shook his head. I stopped giggling and frowned.
"Why do you look so tired?" I asked, pulling on my sweater. The cool wind was playing with my arms and made me shiver.
Gordie sighed and leaned back on the steps. "Why are you still here?"
I rolled my eyes at his obvious avoidance of the question and got a bit annoyed. I didn't feel like going through the same exact thing I had went through with Chris. It was tiring even more so than how tired both of them were.
"I had a detention," I said, checking my watch. It was only three- thirty, my detention had only taken twenty minutes...it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I supposed Mr. Falworth didn't mind me all that much.
"What are you waiting out here for?"
"I'm debating whether or not to walk home, or wait around for a ride to come my way. Maybe my mom will eventually notice my absence and send Danny to come get me."
Gordie smirked. "I doubt that." I glared at him but laughed nonetheless. Gordie always made you feel laid-back, you couldn't be tense or serious for too long. As serious and mature as Gordie seemed to be, he really just liked to relax. I suppose it was because of all the shit he went through everyday, so he just needed time for himself and his friends...for once, one minute out of his hectic life to not think about Denny or how he could have been alive still to this day. How things could have been different if it hadn't been for that horrible night so many years ago.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, looking around for a minute. All the students had cleared out save for a few left behind stragglers. Most everybody was gone though and I and Gordie were the only ones on the steps.
"I had to stop by the library," Gordie said. "Pick up a few books for history class. Gaaah, death to Miss Bridges."
I laughed. "I know what you mean...she assigns so much homework." Gordie smiled at me, but his smile was tainted. A silence encircled us and we sat there, watching a leaf dance around in the air. I knew something else was bugging Gordie. To be brutally honest, I was just in one of those moods where I had a lot on my mind and my own problems were my main concern. But, being the oh-so-wonderful friend that I am, I swallowed my pride and looked concerned.
"What's wrong Gordo? Something bugging you?" I asked. When he looked at me with those hurt-filled eyes, my own problems melted away and I became truly concerned. His doe eyes were so big; I couldn't help but melt every time. No one could.
"Nothing."
I grumbled. "No fair, I acted like the nice person that I am and I get no feedback. Talk, man, talk!"
Gordie laughed, but it died away just as quickly. "Ahh, it's nothing. Just having some problems with Mary Louise."
I frowned...this was slightly more serous than I thought. "Is everything okay?" I silently scolded myself...obviously everything wasn't okay if he looked so upset and wanted to talk about it.
Gordie looked away into the sky and I could feel what he was feeling at that moment—wanting to get out, leave this place far, far behind. I looked anxiously at him. Gordie and I saw so much alike—I often wondered why it wasn't he whom I was in love with. I supposed I was just fucked up in the head like always.
"We've been going together for almost seven months now," Gordie said. "Right? I mean, that's a pretty damn long time. I've never been with a girl for more than a few months."
I nodded. I didn't know where he was going with this—but I gave Gordie time. He always worked his way into his problems by starting out subtly.
"Well...lately it's just been—I don't know how to say this," Gordie said, sighing in frustration. "We've been arguing a lot lately. And it's not even about petty stuff—it's pretty serious. She keeps accusing me of shit like cheating on her, and you know just as well as I know that I've never been with another girl since we started dating. I think she sometimes gets jealous of us."
I scoffed. "Of us?" I wanted to laugh, but the sullen look in his eyes silenced me.
"Not really us, I think just you."
I all out laughed now. "Me? Why?! Why the hell would ANYONE be jealous of me? Mary Louise—she's so pretty! I'm—I—I'm nothing, boring."
Gordie shook his head. "You're not any of those things, Lark. She's jealous of the way we're best friends and she's jealous of the bond you and Chris have. You just don't realize how you are, do you?"
I frowned. "What do you mean—'how I am?' I'm nothing, I already told you! Gordie, Mary Louise is so lucky to look the way she does and be the way she is. Guys actually like her! She's always smiling, and people love her, they want to be around her. I freaking repel people."
Gordie looked at me disbelievingly and I immediately began to feel uncomfortable. I didn't like talking about myself, I much rather listen. It felt awkward to have the conversation about me. I was usually content with telling no one my feelings; I usually listened to everyone around me. Especially the guys, they loved having someone to pour their pathetic hearts in to.
Gordie blinked several times. "You're fucked up in the head, you are. Lark, you don't see what you do to people, do you? You're funny, you're quirky, you have this—this glow about you that makes people just want to look at you! You don't get it—just the little things that you do are so different, so you, so Lark. You don't see how you really are—you don't see the impact you have on people. When you walk into a room Chris can't keep his eyes off of you! You don't see it, but I do! Teddy does! Even Verno sees it. Chris may not realize it, but he's noticing you in more than a friendly way."
I all but gaped at Gordie. What the hell was he talking about? Chris didn't stare at me! No one did, I was Lark. The quirky, funny, slightly annoying at times wacky girl. That was just me! Did Chris really notice me more? My heart sped up. Wait—what's happening! Stop it Lark! This isn't about you. It's about Gordie and his problems.
I blinked several times. "I have no idea what the hell that was all about, but this isn't about me."
Gordie sighed and looked away, his eyes completely exhausted.
"Back to Mary Louise," I said quickly, trying to cover up the awkward moment. I'd never have someone say that to me, and I didn't take it well, obviously. "You need to talk to her. You love her."
Gordie shrugged. "I thought I did."
"She loves you," I said. He looked sadly at me and grabbed his bag.
"You want a ride home?" I looked questionably at him and shrugged.
"Fucking yeah."
~~~
[Okay I know that was super short, but it took FOREVER to write. I have a few ideas as to how I want this story to flow, and I'm not sure. I have several options. I'm debating them in my head as to how I want it to end, or how I *need* it to end. This is somewhat of a memoir kind of thing. It's truly how I feel about myself and what people correlate to me. It's just a whole messy emotions kind of thing. Anyways, shout-outs in the next chapter! I promise next time the chapter will be VERY LONG and some Chris action!! Love & Strawberries, The Good Girl.]
In the days that followed that night when Chris had told me of his Godforsaken job, I started looking elsewhere in the hallways. I couldn't wait for Chris forever—if he didn't like me in that way, that was that. I couldn't change it—I couldn't force him to love me. In the end, I only had me and that was that. As I walked down the hall with Chris and Gordie and the guys, I'd taken notice to other guys. None were comparable to Chris in my mind, but beggars can't be choosers. I knew that most guys wouldn't look at me in that way...sure I got attention from guys. But it was the head nod, or the "Hey Larko!! What's up?"...simple things.
Simple. I suppose that was how I felt. So freaking simple. Life was tiresome...I continued to walk signs of blasphemy. I hated it...when would I just feel content? My mind was exhausted from constantly thinking of ways that I could change...lose weight, straighten hair, and pucker the lips. It hurt my head so badly to a point where I wanted to scream and cry, hold up my white flag and surrender. I was used to girls walking and talking constantly to Chris, but after my newfound crush on him, it made me so jealous. No necessarily of the fact that he was screwing half of them—no, the fact that they were so pretty. I wanted to look like them...be pretty and feminine. Why couldn't I dammit?! What was the problem here?
Me. I was the problem...too stubborn to accept reality. I had to face the facts, the truth in this world I lived in...maybe I just wouldn't ever love and be loved in return.
~~~
"Hey Lark."
I looked up and grinned when I saw Gordie come over and place his bag on the steps next to me outside of school. He looked tired and his hair was sticking out in all directions. He had the beginnings of dark bags under his eyes and his lips were chapped...he looked a bit like Chris had looked the night at my house not too long ago.
"You look beat," I said, sliding over as Gordie plopped tiredly next to me. He sighed and rubbed his head—just looking at him made me exhausted. I wasn't used to everyone around me always being so incredibly tired, and it brought me down to. All of a sudden I felt like taking a nap, and the irony of it all made me giggle. Gordie looked questionably at me and shook his head. I stopped giggling and frowned.
"Why do you look so tired?" I asked, pulling on my sweater. The cool wind was playing with my arms and made me shiver.
Gordie sighed and leaned back on the steps. "Why are you still here?"
I rolled my eyes at his obvious avoidance of the question and got a bit annoyed. I didn't feel like going through the same exact thing I had went through with Chris. It was tiring even more so than how tired both of them were.
"I had a detention," I said, checking my watch. It was only three- thirty, my detention had only taken twenty minutes...it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I supposed Mr. Falworth didn't mind me all that much.
"What are you waiting out here for?"
"I'm debating whether or not to walk home, or wait around for a ride to come my way. Maybe my mom will eventually notice my absence and send Danny to come get me."
Gordie smirked. "I doubt that." I glared at him but laughed nonetheless. Gordie always made you feel laid-back, you couldn't be tense or serious for too long. As serious and mature as Gordie seemed to be, he really just liked to relax. I suppose it was because of all the shit he went through everyday, so he just needed time for himself and his friends...for once, one minute out of his hectic life to not think about Denny or how he could have been alive still to this day. How things could have been different if it hadn't been for that horrible night so many years ago.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, looking around for a minute. All the students had cleared out save for a few left behind stragglers. Most everybody was gone though and I and Gordie were the only ones on the steps.
"I had to stop by the library," Gordie said. "Pick up a few books for history class. Gaaah, death to Miss Bridges."
I laughed. "I know what you mean...she assigns so much homework." Gordie smiled at me, but his smile was tainted. A silence encircled us and we sat there, watching a leaf dance around in the air. I knew something else was bugging Gordie. To be brutally honest, I was just in one of those moods where I had a lot on my mind and my own problems were my main concern. But, being the oh-so-wonderful friend that I am, I swallowed my pride and looked concerned.
"What's wrong Gordo? Something bugging you?" I asked. When he looked at me with those hurt-filled eyes, my own problems melted away and I became truly concerned. His doe eyes were so big; I couldn't help but melt every time. No one could.
"Nothing."
I grumbled. "No fair, I acted like the nice person that I am and I get no feedback. Talk, man, talk!"
Gordie laughed, but it died away just as quickly. "Ahh, it's nothing. Just having some problems with Mary Louise."
I frowned...this was slightly more serous than I thought. "Is everything okay?" I silently scolded myself...obviously everything wasn't okay if he looked so upset and wanted to talk about it.
Gordie looked away into the sky and I could feel what he was feeling at that moment—wanting to get out, leave this place far, far behind. I looked anxiously at him. Gordie and I saw so much alike—I often wondered why it wasn't he whom I was in love with. I supposed I was just fucked up in the head like always.
"We've been going together for almost seven months now," Gordie said. "Right? I mean, that's a pretty damn long time. I've never been with a girl for more than a few months."
I nodded. I didn't know where he was going with this—but I gave Gordie time. He always worked his way into his problems by starting out subtly.
"Well...lately it's just been—I don't know how to say this," Gordie said, sighing in frustration. "We've been arguing a lot lately. And it's not even about petty stuff—it's pretty serious. She keeps accusing me of shit like cheating on her, and you know just as well as I know that I've never been with another girl since we started dating. I think she sometimes gets jealous of us."
I scoffed. "Of us?" I wanted to laugh, but the sullen look in his eyes silenced me.
"Not really us, I think just you."
I all out laughed now. "Me? Why?! Why the hell would ANYONE be jealous of me? Mary Louise—she's so pretty! I'm—I—I'm nothing, boring."
Gordie shook his head. "You're not any of those things, Lark. She's jealous of the way we're best friends and she's jealous of the bond you and Chris have. You just don't realize how you are, do you?"
I frowned. "What do you mean—'how I am?' I'm nothing, I already told you! Gordie, Mary Louise is so lucky to look the way she does and be the way she is. Guys actually like her! She's always smiling, and people love her, they want to be around her. I freaking repel people."
Gordie looked at me disbelievingly and I immediately began to feel uncomfortable. I didn't like talking about myself, I much rather listen. It felt awkward to have the conversation about me. I was usually content with telling no one my feelings; I usually listened to everyone around me. Especially the guys, they loved having someone to pour their pathetic hearts in to.
Gordie blinked several times. "You're fucked up in the head, you are. Lark, you don't see what you do to people, do you? You're funny, you're quirky, you have this—this glow about you that makes people just want to look at you! You don't get it—just the little things that you do are so different, so you, so Lark. You don't see how you really are—you don't see the impact you have on people. When you walk into a room Chris can't keep his eyes off of you! You don't see it, but I do! Teddy does! Even Verno sees it. Chris may not realize it, but he's noticing you in more than a friendly way."
I all but gaped at Gordie. What the hell was he talking about? Chris didn't stare at me! No one did, I was Lark. The quirky, funny, slightly annoying at times wacky girl. That was just me! Did Chris really notice me more? My heart sped up. Wait—what's happening! Stop it Lark! This isn't about you. It's about Gordie and his problems.
I blinked several times. "I have no idea what the hell that was all about, but this isn't about me."
Gordie sighed and looked away, his eyes completely exhausted.
"Back to Mary Louise," I said quickly, trying to cover up the awkward moment. I'd never have someone say that to me, and I didn't take it well, obviously. "You need to talk to her. You love her."
Gordie shrugged. "I thought I did."
"She loves you," I said. He looked sadly at me and grabbed his bag.
"You want a ride home?" I looked questionably at him and shrugged.
"Fucking yeah."
~~~
[Okay I know that was super short, but it took FOREVER to write. I have a few ideas as to how I want this story to flow, and I'm not sure. I have several options. I'm debating them in my head as to how I want it to end, or how I *need* it to end. This is somewhat of a memoir kind of thing. It's truly how I feel about myself and what people correlate to me. It's just a whole messy emotions kind of thing. Anyways, shout-outs in the next chapter! I promise next time the chapter will be VERY LONG and some Chris action!! Love & Strawberries, The Good Girl.]