Can I talk to you?
I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I want to hold you, don't you see that? I want to talk to you, please, let me know what you feel like. Your warm, soft skin against mine. I love you, isn't that enough? Am I not enough? My inner beauty is not enough? I love you, can I talk to you?
I can't talk to you anymore. I can't look at you without wanting you. I'm screaming, why can't you hear me? I'm screaming, I'm falling deeper into this darkness. It hurts, it hurts, the pain, why can't you hear me? Hello? I'm screaming, I'm falling, deeper.
Can I talk to you?
~ ~ ~
"Chris—can I talk to you?"
Chris looked up at me with his beautiful eyes and my heart lurched. It was now or never...I had to talk to him...I needed to talk to him. I needed him to know how I felt, or I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. These thoughts that have built up in my mind were going to burst, I was falling so deep. I needed to get, it was getting so bad. I couldn't stop thinking about him; I couldn't help but want to drown every girl he talked to. It was horrible, but I loved him with a passion strong enough to kill us both.
"Sure Lark," he said, resuming to tying his shoe. The sun beat down upon both of us and the warm weather was a nice change from the cold. Almost a foreshadowing of what was to come.
I sighed. "Good." We began to walk down the sidewalk again and I tenses, knowing Chris could feel the tension. He always knew when something was wrong...and I always knew with him. He could see it in my stature; he could see it in my eyes, how hurt I looked. I glanced back at him and grimaced. This was harder than I thought...if I didn't do this correctly it would ruin our friendship forever, and that was something I wasn't willing to sacrifice. My dignity was quite another thing.
"Well," I started, throwing my pride out the window. I figured I had nothing to lose anymore. I only lived once, I needed to take chances, be daring, live it before it was gone. I could be gone at any second, I wanted him to at least know how I had cared about him before it was too late. "I need to tell you something."
Chris' eyes lit up at that moment too. He looked at me as we continued to walk and grinned. "Oh! I just remembered, I have to tell you something too!"
I frowned. Not what I planned...I decided to continue anyway, afraid of hearing what he might want to tell me.
"Well, I've been thinking...about...how I feel and well..."
Chris nodded but his face looked so anxious to tell me his news that I had to stop.
"What do you have to tell me Chris?" I asked, trying quite hard to keep the misery from my voice. Why, why did he have to tell me something now?
Chris smirked and ran a hand through his hair. He was completely oblivious to my obvious annoyance, but that was just the way he was, typical guy.
"Well you know how there's that dance on Friday," he began. I nodded, grumbling. In all honesty, I had totally forgotten. And it wasn't a pleasant reminder—I was not looking forward to going. I hated dancing overall, and I hated the dance atmospheres. It was definitely a place for drama to ensue. "Well...this chick Christy Bloom asked me."
He stopped and looked at me, his face full of happiness. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. It was all I could do from crying and I had to swallow to keep down my tears.
"W-what did you say?" I asked, trying my best to stay calm, when in reality I was wigging out.
Chris smirked and put his hands in his pockets. "I said yes, of course. Man that girl is so hot...plus I hear she's really easy, which is kind of a turn off but kind of intriguing. How could I not say yes?"
My face burned hot with anger and my eyes misted over. I tightened my mouth and looked away, afraid I would break down if I looked at Chris. How could I? I was in love with him, and right before the most important moment of my life, he ruined it by being immature and stupid!
"Something the matter, Lark?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. I tried not to notice how much I loved his voice.
I looked angrily at him and bit my tongue. "Actually Chris, there is. I'm sick and tired of having to listen to your bullshit! Do you think I have any desire to hear about every girl you screw? Do you have any idea about my feelings?!"
Chris looked at me, dumbfounded. He didn't say anything and I didn't even realize we had stopped walking.
I turned to him and crossed my arms to keep me from slapping him across the face.
"You know," I began, tears welling in my eyes but I cursed them. My voice was shaky and about to break. "I was actually going to tell you how much I really did care about you...and you go and fucking ruin it! Chris—has it ever occurred to you that I might want to tell you something? I need someone to talk to too! I—I...URGH! Why can't you just...arrrgh!"
Chris looked at me surprised and I was frightened that his eyebrows would disappear into his hair. He looked a bit hurt, really confused, and overall baffled.
"Chris," I began, trying to stay calm. "You are so smart, so wonderful. Why do you ruin it with stupid male comments like that? I love when you say things unique and different and sweet and intelligent. It makes you prove all these dicks who hate you wrong. Chris—I...I..."
I couldn't take it anymore. I was losing it. What was happening? I loved him, the guy standing before me; I loved him with everything I had. As egotistical as he may be and shallow, he was always there for me when I needed him. I remembered the times I would call him late at night, or he would sneak over when I had a nightmare. I thought about the times when we would spend countless hours doing nothing, and having so much fun. I thought about the times I made him smile, made him laugh...all the times he hugged me. All the times he told me that I wasn't boring, that I was funny and pretty. All the times that he would gently push me or nudge me and I would feel so tingly. I thought about his smile, his beautiful hair, his tortured eyes...I saw him slaving every night to work for the money his father had lost, yet still have a smile upon his face for me. I saw him and how sweet he was to me, and everyone around him. I saw him holding Amanda Bradshaw's hands, I saw him push a stray curl out of my eyes. I saw him sleeping upon my bed the night he had come to me. I was screaming, feeling deeper, I thought about the fact that I was the one he came to when he was falling down. He always caught me. And I loved him. Loved him more than anything in this world.
Without thinking, without realizing what I was doing, I grabbed him by the neck and pressed my lips to his. I was shaking, trembling, my stomach was a mess, but I kissed him, I kissed him and he kissed me back. I was kissing my best friend in the middle of the sidewalk as the sun beat upon us and he kissed me back. I shook, I trembled, tears began to fall down my face, but I kissed him. I kissed Chris Chambers, I kissed him with everything I had, I poured my heart and soul into that kiss. All the anger, all the hurt, all the pain I had felt I poured into that kiss. And he kissed me back.
I was terrified as I pulled away and I looked at him, tears falling down my face. I was shaking and I was afraid at what I had just done, how I had jeopardized our beautiful friendship. He looked at me with those sensitive orbs and didn't say anything, just looked at me. He looked at me with compassion, regret, desire. I couldn't stop shaking, the tears flowed down my cheeks. As the wind blew my hair, I couldn't face him. He would laugh at me, make fun of me, talk behind my back, how foolish was I? I turned and ran, I ran, ran away from him, the boy I loved, I ran, and didn't stop. I ran from my problems, my fears, I ran, and ran, my curls flowing behind me, my lips throbbing from the kiss, my mouth full of salt from my tears.
And I didn't look back at Chris once.
~ ~ ~
I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I want to hold you, don't you see that? I want to talk to you, please, let me know what you feel like. Your warm, soft skin against mine. I love you, isn't that enough? Am I not enough? My inner beauty is not enough? I love you, can I talk to you?
I can't talk to you anymore. I can't look at you without wanting you. I'm screaming, why can't you hear me? I'm screaming, I'm falling deeper into this darkness. It hurts, it hurts, the pain, why can't you hear me? Hello? I'm screaming, I'm falling, deeper.
Can I talk to you?
~ ~ ~
"Chris—can I talk to you?"
Chris looked up at me with his beautiful eyes and my heart lurched. It was now or never...I had to talk to him...I needed to talk to him. I needed him to know how I felt, or I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. These thoughts that have built up in my mind were going to burst, I was falling so deep. I needed to get, it was getting so bad. I couldn't stop thinking about him; I couldn't help but want to drown every girl he talked to. It was horrible, but I loved him with a passion strong enough to kill us both.
"Sure Lark," he said, resuming to tying his shoe. The sun beat down upon both of us and the warm weather was a nice change from the cold. Almost a foreshadowing of what was to come.
I sighed. "Good." We began to walk down the sidewalk again and I tenses, knowing Chris could feel the tension. He always knew when something was wrong...and I always knew with him. He could see it in my stature; he could see it in my eyes, how hurt I looked. I glanced back at him and grimaced. This was harder than I thought...if I didn't do this correctly it would ruin our friendship forever, and that was something I wasn't willing to sacrifice. My dignity was quite another thing.
"Well," I started, throwing my pride out the window. I figured I had nothing to lose anymore. I only lived once, I needed to take chances, be daring, live it before it was gone. I could be gone at any second, I wanted him to at least know how I had cared about him before it was too late. "I need to tell you something."
Chris' eyes lit up at that moment too. He looked at me as we continued to walk and grinned. "Oh! I just remembered, I have to tell you something too!"
I frowned. Not what I planned...I decided to continue anyway, afraid of hearing what he might want to tell me.
"Well, I've been thinking...about...how I feel and well..."
Chris nodded but his face looked so anxious to tell me his news that I had to stop.
"What do you have to tell me Chris?" I asked, trying quite hard to keep the misery from my voice. Why, why did he have to tell me something now?
Chris smirked and ran a hand through his hair. He was completely oblivious to my obvious annoyance, but that was just the way he was, typical guy.
"Well you know how there's that dance on Friday," he began. I nodded, grumbling. In all honesty, I had totally forgotten. And it wasn't a pleasant reminder—I was not looking forward to going. I hated dancing overall, and I hated the dance atmospheres. It was definitely a place for drama to ensue. "Well...this chick Christy Bloom asked me."
He stopped and looked at me, his face full of happiness. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. It was all I could do from crying and I had to swallow to keep down my tears.
"W-what did you say?" I asked, trying my best to stay calm, when in reality I was wigging out.
Chris smirked and put his hands in his pockets. "I said yes, of course. Man that girl is so hot...plus I hear she's really easy, which is kind of a turn off but kind of intriguing. How could I not say yes?"
My face burned hot with anger and my eyes misted over. I tightened my mouth and looked away, afraid I would break down if I looked at Chris. How could I? I was in love with him, and right before the most important moment of my life, he ruined it by being immature and stupid!
"Something the matter, Lark?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. I tried not to notice how much I loved his voice.
I looked angrily at him and bit my tongue. "Actually Chris, there is. I'm sick and tired of having to listen to your bullshit! Do you think I have any desire to hear about every girl you screw? Do you have any idea about my feelings?!"
Chris looked at me, dumbfounded. He didn't say anything and I didn't even realize we had stopped walking.
I turned to him and crossed my arms to keep me from slapping him across the face.
"You know," I began, tears welling in my eyes but I cursed them. My voice was shaky and about to break. "I was actually going to tell you how much I really did care about you...and you go and fucking ruin it! Chris—has it ever occurred to you that I might want to tell you something? I need someone to talk to too! I—I...URGH! Why can't you just...arrrgh!"
Chris looked at me surprised and I was frightened that his eyebrows would disappear into his hair. He looked a bit hurt, really confused, and overall baffled.
"Chris," I began, trying to stay calm. "You are so smart, so wonderful. Why do you ruin it with stupid male comments like that? I love when you say things unique and different and sweet and intelligent. It makes you prove all these dicks who hate you wrong. Chris—I...I..."
I couldn't take it anymore. I was losing it. What was happening? I loved him, the guy standing before me; I loved him with everything I had. As egotistical as he may be and shallow, he was always there for me when I needed him. I remembered the times I would call him late at night, or he would sneak over when I had a nightmare. I thought about the times when we would spend countless hours doing nothing, and having so much fun. I thought about the times I made him smile, made him laugh...all the times he hugged me. All the times he told me that I wasn't boring, that I was funny and pretty. All the times that he would gently push me or nudge me and I would feel so tingly. I thought about his smile, his beautiful hair, his tortured eyes...I saw him slaving every night to work for the money his father had lost, yet still have a smile upon his face for me. I saw him and how sweet he was to me, and everyone around him. I saw him holding Amanda Bradshaw's hands, I saw him push a stray curl out of my eyes. I saw him sleeping upon my bed the night he had come to me. I was screaming, feeling deeper, I thought about the fact that I was the one he came to when he was falling down. He always caught me. And I loved him. Loved him more than anything in this world.
Without thinking, without realizing what I was doing, I grabbed him by the neck and pressed my lips to his. I was shaking, trembling, my stomach was a mess, but I kissed him, I kissed him and he kissed me back. I was kissing my best friend in the middle of the sidewalk as the sun beat upon us and he kissed me back. I shook, I trembled, tears began to fall down my face, but I kissed him. I kissed Chris Chambers, I kissed him with everything I had, I poured my heart and soul into that kiss. All the anger, all the hurt, all the pain I had felt I poured into that kiss. And he kissed me back.
I was terrified as I pulled away and I looked at him, tears falling down my face. I was shaking and I was afraid at what I had just done, how I had jeopardized our beautiful friendship. He looked at me with those sensitive orbs and didn't say anything, just looked at me. He looked at me with compassion, regret, desire. I couldn't stop shaking, the tears flowed down my cheeks. As the wind blew my hair, I couldn't face him. He would laugh at me, make fun of me, talk behind my back, how foolish was I? I turned and ran, I ran, ran away from him, the boy I loved, I ran, and didn't stop. I ran from my problems, my fears, I ran, and ran, my curls flowing behind me, my lips throbbing from the kiss, my mouth full of salt from my tears.
And I didn't look back at Chris once.
~ ~ ~