"Yes, an asshole he is! No, I'm not going to come back to him just because he send me some flowers and a stupid card that says: I'm really sorry! I don't like him anymore!" It was 2 weeks later, and I was on the phone with a good friend of mine, Diane. She is from Holland, and she's coming to Scotland in the holiday. That's exactly 3 days from now. I miss her. She has always been a good friend when I lived in Holland. And I know that we see each other as much as we can, but I still miss her. It was the first time I lied to her. I still miss Mark. I miss his smile and the way he looks to me. I went out to another pub last week, but I didn't enjoyed it. And now he send me a card and flowers. He's not the most creative men I know, but in some way I like it. I don't know what to do. I think I'm gonna write him a letter. "Hello Susan, are you still there?" I heard. "I'm sorry girl, I was thinking of something," "I think I know what the something is," she answered, "If I notice that you are dating with that Mark again, I'm gonna give you a punch in your face, do you hear me?" "Yes, I know, I will be very happy if I see you again," I said to her and we said goodbye. I dropped the phone and sat down in a chair. I read the card over and over again. He says he's not dating other girls and he misses me. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about my break up with him. I don't have evidence that he is dating other girls. And if he was such a pimp, he wouldn't do all this trouble for me. In the first week he kept on calling me. I really had to say to him that he only made me angrier by calling that much, so he stopped. It couldn't hurt just to invite him over to my house to talk about it, could it? I picked up the phone and called him. He answered the phone and when I said my name he immediately began to talk. "Look, I'm sorry about the flowers, it's just. I care a lot about you, you know. And I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of stalker, because.." "Mark, Mark, listen to me, I'm not calling you because I don't like the flowers, I'm calling you because I want you to come to my house so we can talk about this thing." There, I said it. He didn't say a thing for a while. Then he said: "OK, Is it ok if I come to your house in two hours?" "Well, can't you come any sooner?" I asked. "No, I'm sorry, there are still friends of me here so I can't go away." "Well, I can come to you, if that's better." "No,no,no, I be at your house in 1,5 hour OK?" And he hang up the phone. He sounded a bit weird, but I said to myself: "Don't judge him before you've seen him."

I have no job. I steal to get money for smack. And sometimes Begbie fights with some stupid American and then steals his cash. Begbie doesn't like it that I use heroin. He keeps saying that to me. But I just ignore him. I think it's my life and not his. I do what I like and I don't give a fuck about his opinion. It was Wednesday, and Susan called me. I stalked her for about 1 week. I called her 5 times a day, on the short periods of time when I wasn't high. But she said she only got angrier because I called here that much. But today I sent her flowers and a card. And she just phoned me. And I thought that I really screwed up with her. But she gave me another chance. She said she wanted to talk with me, and asked me if I could come to her house in 10 minutes. I hadn't showered in 7 days, I was lying on the ground, watching the clouds that I saw on the ceiling. And I fell asleep. I felt so relaxed about her phone call that I felt asleep. She will never forgive me for this. Never. And I will regret it for the rest of my life. I stood up slowly and then put my clothes on, went to the bus and then walked to her home. I live on the other site of town. I live in a squat. I left my parents home when I was 20. I use heroin now for 3,5 years. I have never been a day clean. It's the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing in the evening. I can't sleep well if I haven't used. I feel alone in this world. It's me and the drugs. But I went to her.