I didn't know what to do. What would I do? What could I do? I had ruined
everything over the years, all the times that would make my life so
complete. I had lost them all, everything, and the pain of knowing that I
would never get them back to the way they were...that hurt so much.
I don't suppose I'd ever be able to take back what happened. And if I could, I don't know if I would take the kiss back. What had I done? I had just dug my grave a little deeper—I had made my life all the worse as if it wasn't hell enough. Why did I put myself in these stupid decisions? Why did I make myself feel even worse than I already did? Wasn't the pain of knowing I could never have the one thing I so desired enough to make me scream and want out, so why did I have to flash it before me yet again in another pathetic attempt to change what had already been done? Why, why, why did I do these things to myself? I couldn't take it, I swore things would change between us, but the anger and humiliation had built up for so long that I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't, I had to act, what if it all ended tomorrow and I regretted never letting him know? Never letting know just how much I loved him.
And I did. I loved Chris. I loved that boy with all my heart, all my soul, everything I had in me. I wanted to take care of him when he was sick, I wanted to love him so openly and freely, I wanted to hold him, be there for him, give him the security he had been so deprived of all his life. Had I ruined everything by kissing my best friend? Had I ruined our beautiful friendship, our beautiful rare, unique, remarkable friendship that made me who I was? Was he even fazed by what had happened? Was he laughing right now with the guys, congratulating him on yet another girls' heart so easily wrapped around his finger? Did Chris even pay me any mind? Did he love me like I loved him? Did he want to hold me, touch me, like I so desired to touch him? The passion, the pain, the anger, the scorn, all of this exhausted my every thought until I couldn't think anymore, until I could barely breathe, until the tears that had been built up for so long came flowing freely from my eyes, until I screamed inside myself, I laid inside myself for hours wishing, hoping, upon some star that would answer my prayer.
~ ~ ~
"Danny, can I please have a ride to school?"
My older brother looked at me with an arched eyebrow, and slid his shirt over his head. His hair was unkempt from sleep and his eyes were puffy. He was no doubt half awake, but I paid no mind to this. I needed a ride, I wouldn't be stuck walking. Not today...I couldn't face Chris. Would he want to talk about it, or act like nothing ever happened? Would he even talk to me? All I knew was that I couldn't risk the chance of running into him only the day after I had done the one thing that would change my life forever.
Danny looked at me and sighed, leaning over to tie his shoes. I glanced around his room and grimaced—it was so incredibly messy. T-shirts and jeans littered the floor, as did car magazines and socks. Boxers were hanging off of his record player, and he had an empty bottle of pop squished on his desk. Boys.
"I haven't given you a ride in so long," he said. "You always walk with Chris. Why now?"
I narrowed my eyes. How did he always know something was up? Why had the thought even crossed his small mind?
"Because," I started, trying to think of a reasonable explanation. "Because I don't feel like walking. Yeah, that's all...I don't feel like walking."
Danny rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing his bag from the back of his desk chair.
"Fine you litter twerp," he said, walking passed me and rustling my hair. "I'll meet you by the car in five."
I grinned happily and my mood slightly lightened, but the pit in the bottom of my stomach didn't go away. I knew today no matter what I would eventually have to face Chris. No matter how freaking long I stalled.
~ ~ ~
I honestly thought, I swear to the Lord, I honestly thought I was going to puke my breakfast up. The palms of my hands were becoming increasingly sweaty and butterflies infested my stomach. I stood fiddling with my lock, hoping to God that Chris wouldn't come walking down the hall. I was frightened beyond belief at what he might say, or even more what he might not say. I had never had these feelings before; I had never been accustomed to them. And I couldn't say that I liked it.
Finally after what felt like forever, I managed to clumsily open my lock and in one swift move I dumped my books into the small space, grabbed my algebra and English book, and quickly parted from me and Chris' usually meeting spot before class. I looked around before hurrying to first period. I decided to skip homeroom...the less I saw Chris, the better.
English was usually my favorite class, I enjoyed reading and writing...however, I was a bit apprehensive as I made my way into the crowded classroom. I couldn't breathe as I saw Chris sitting there, in his normal seat, talking to some girl who was laughing. My stomach dropped—I supposed it was the girl he was going to the dance with. I had to bite down on my tongue and swallow my tears as I made my way to my seat—two in front of Chris and one row to the left. I wondered momentarily if he saw me as I saw him, if he got the urge to come talk to me like he would normally had done if I had just kept my lips to their rightful owner—myself.
"Lark, you look like shit."
I looked up to see Gordie turned around in his seat, his eyebrows raised high. Just like the other day, his hair was standing on end and his lips were chapped. He looked so tired still, and I frowned. I wished everyone wouldn't always be tired. It made my head hurt.
"Thanks Gordie, that's exactly what I want to hear first thing in the morning," I said, leaning my head onto my hands.
Gordie smirked; however, his eyes grew concerned. He always knew when something was bothering me. I saw his eyes flick behind me, to where Chris sat, and I wanted to turn around to see what Chris was doing, but I had to hold myself back. I couldn't look at him...not now. Not now.
"Something bothering you Lark?" He asked. I shrugged and looked to see where our teacher was, but he was busy writing at his desk. There was still a few moments until the bell rang. I looked back at Gordie.
"I've made a huge mistake," I said, regret hanging off of every word. He looked at me with questioning eyes and a bit of alarm.
"Err, how big?" He asked and I had to laugh a bit.
"Don't worry Gordie—not that big," I said. Gordie looked a bit relieved, but still concerned.
"What happened?" he asked. I sighed...did I really want to relive the worst moment of my life? Sure, I had made some stupid mistakes...but nothing as humiliating as that. How stupid could I possibly be?
"I...er...well...last night me and Chris went for a walk..." And so I dove into the story of how I had ruined one of the only things keeping me alive on this planet. When I had finished, I bit my lip in anxiety as Gordie shook his head slowly.
"You know Lark," he said. "You are so wacked. You pick the worst times to do things. Sure, now you go and tell Chris you like him...well you didn't really tell him, did you? More of...er...showed him you liked him."
I glared at Gordie as he smirked. "Gordie, what am I going to do?" I buried my face into my hands and felt the tears threatening to spill. I was such a fool.
Gordie sighed. "Well, you should talk to him. You have to talk to him. It's the only way."
I tore my hands away from my face and raised my eyebrows. I momentarily forget my dilemma as I remembered Gordie's own predicament.
"Not to change the subject or anything," I started quickly as I saw our algebra teacher stand up. The bell was going to ring any second. "But how are things with Mary Louise?"
Gordie grimaced and made to turn around in his seat. "Err...I'll tell you later."
I frowned but decided later would be best—the bell began to ring and I sat back in my seat, wishing time would last forever, so I'd never have to face Chris. I mused for a moment the irony of not wanting to see the one person I'd dreamed about every night. Oh, the irony of it all.
~ ~ ~
The class seemed to never end. I had no idea what Mr. Falworth was saying half the time, I kept thinking of ways I could avoid Chris. The bell finally did ring, however, and I slowly gathered my books and made my way out of the classroom, making sure I was far back in the massive crowd of students. I saw Chris looked around for several moments, whether he was looking for me I did not know, but I made sure those beautiful eyes of his did not cross my path.
I thanked the heavens that we did not share second period together, and when the lunch bell rang I decided to skip and give the library a well needed visit. The library was where I found myself most relaxed, and the stress of my life faded away.
I found a row of books, way in the back of the library, and I quietly sat down, leaning my back against the shelves. No one was around, and I figured I could sort out my emotions, lay it down without lament for my pathetic situation.
I needed to talk to Chris. I couldn't avoid him forever. I couldn't avoid him for much longer. I needed, I had to talk to the boy. He needed to understand my feelings, and the fact that they weren't going away. I needed to understand his feelings, and the fact that he thought nothing more of me than a best friend, a confider. I needed to respect that. I just hoped he would understand, I hoped he would understand the vulnerable state he put me in. I hoped he would understand the power he had over me...
I didn't really have enough time to think about anything, for the devil himself came stumbling atop of me, literally tripping over my bag and landing hard on top of me. I didn't have time to fawn over the fact that Chris Chambers lay atop of me, I was quickly losing feeling in my leg.
"Ooofmp, Chris, you're squishing me," I croaked, my voice muffled from his shoulder on my mouth.
"Sorry," Chris mumbled, quickly sitting up right, opposite of me. He was breathing rather shakily and I wondered why he had come to the library. Chris was hardly ever in the library—had he known I was here?
The moment was awkward to say the least. Chris looked at me nervously and I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye—I couldn't, I was afraid of what I might do. Instead, I rubbed my elbow which Chris had banged into the shelf.
"Are you hurt?" He asked, looking at my face which no doubt mirrored a mix of emotional and physical pain. My elbow was really hurting me.
I took a chance and glanced into his eyes and I could feel myself slipping away. I shook my head.
"No," I said firmly. Chris' eyes shown hurt though and I knew the question held more meaning than that of the well-being of my elbow.
Silence engulfed us one more time and I couldn't help but want to break it. I leaned my head against the shelf and he looked at me.
"Lark," he began. Oh God, here it comes. The horrible lecture of 'I like you, just not like that.' Oh God, how I dreaded that lecture. "We need to talk."
I braced myself for what was to come. But I wouldn't take his sympathy—I didn't need his pity. Poor ugly girl, fell for me and now I get to break her heart. No, I didn't want that. No! I'm not a victim. I will NOT be the victim. Not me, Not Lark.
"No—Chris wait," I said. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would fly through my chest. "Don't. What happened the other night...I was caught up in emotions...I didn't know what I was doing."
Chris looked pained, strained, drained, all of them. He looked so exhausted, so tired, so worn out. He looked like he wanted to say something, but had no idea what it was.
"Lark," he repeated. "I—I didn't know what to do. It was shocking to say the least. And—and then you just ran. And you cried! You never cry, Lark."
I didn't say anything. What were you supposed to that? It wasn't a legitimate explanation—it told me nothing! Just say it dammit, you hate me, you don't love me, laugh at me, make me humiliated, ashamed, something, make me cry for Heavens sake!
"You have to understand," he began. "You're my best friend. You will always be my best friend." I wanted to scream, I was screaming, I was running. Running, screaming, stop it, oh God please make it stop. Make the pain stop, please. "I don't want to lose you, Lark. You're my best friend." I closed my eyes.
I grimaced as he said these next words. I would never forget them...never ever. They would haunt me for days, the feeling I had at that moment I would never forget. I remembered exactly how he looked at that moment, confused, pained, afraid, regretful. I remembered the way his hair fell to the side a bit at that precise moment. I would never forget what he would say to me next.
"I love you Lark, I love you so much. Just not like that."
After all these years of falling, I finally hit bottom. Rock fucking bottom.
~ ~ ~
I looked sadly at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying. He didn't love me. Of course he didn't love me. Why would he love me? I was Lark. Lark O'Reilly, his best friend. But—wait, he had told me he loved me. He had said it, but he just didn't love me 'in that way.' I felt tears building up in my eyes, tears of humiliation, but I wasn't giving him that much satisfaction.
I sighed a deep and shaky sigh, and leaned my head against the book shelves. He watched me sadly, and I saw something in his eyes—something like regret. I saw his pained face looking at me, watching me, as I tried to maintain my pride. I wondered if he had ever thought of me in 'that way'. Chris had, after all, kissed me back. I had kissed him, but he didn't pull away, he kissed me back. Maybe it was in pure heat of the moment, or maybe for one brief minute he had seen me in a new light. Whatever it was, I probably would never know.
Looking back, I seemed a bit of a fool to think our friendship would be ruined over something as trivial as a crush. But that was just it...it wasn't a crush. It was love, pure, honest, innocent love. I was in love with my best friend and that was that, I couldn't change it for the life of me. I looked at him sadly and I couldn't help but just feel sad. Sad, that was it. I was sad that I had ever kissed him, I was angry that I had ever fallen for him...but it was almost inevitable.
"Chris," I began, looking away for a moment. "I'm sorry I made this whole thing so complicated. I'm sorry I ever liked you that way..."
Chris looked at me again with that same look of regret. He looked away, and then looked back at me.
"Lark," he said. "You may not understand now, but I can't...I just can't. I can't do this right now. I need you there for me...there for me so I can talk to you. I need you as my best friend. Don't you see?"
I felt anger prick up in me. Chris was so fucking shallow, could he get any shallower? Was I only there whenever he needed someone to talk to? Did he care about me at all, was I just the friend? I had no worth as a person?
I felt the tears build in my eyes and Chris looked so full of hurt at me. "Lark, I don't want to lose you. You're worth so much more than any of the girls I have ever been with. I—I don't have the best luck in the relationship department. I wouldn't give you the love you deserve...I don't deserve you. I would treat you so badly...I'd screw it up. I don't want to take that chance."
The tears continued to form in my eyes and I looked at him as I began to shake. I hated this power he held over me. It was so terrifying and exciting at the same time.
"What are you saying?" I managed to whisper, just as a single tear fell down my cheek.
Chris leaned in closer to me and sighed. "You are worth so much more than just another fling of mine. I—I wish I could be different. I wish...I wish I could give you the love you deserve so much. But I can't...I wish I could change..."
I glared at him, suddenly so angry. "Chris, don't you see? Oh God, I swear, open your eyes! Why can't you see that I love you the way you are? Imperfections and all! I'm fucking sick and tired of you never listening to me fully! I'm just not freaking good enough for you, right?"
I couldn't believe I had said those words, but sometimes things just happen and you don't think about them. Chris looked at me ashamed. He looked away and I cried out in frustration.
"If I was pretty, it'd be different wouldn't it?" I spat angrily. "If I was pretty, you'd love me back. You know that's the truth. If I was freaking Amanda Bradshaw you'd love me."
Chris looked away, too ashamed to talk. I couldn't believe it. He was just as shallow as I thought. I glared at him, the tears falling. I grabbed my bag and walked out of the library, and out of Chris' life.
~ ~ ~
[I couldn't bring myself to do shout-outs this time. I promise in the next chapter there will be shout-outs. This was sad to write...I hate to admit it. But I didn't want this story to be clichéd, and it'd be way too unreal if he suddenly professed his undying love for Lark. But the story is not over!! It's far from it—do not be frightened!! There's still more to come. And alas, some hope for Lark and Chris? Aye! That chapter was kind of weird, I know.]
I don't suppose I'd ever be able to take back what happened. And if I could, I don't know if I would take the kiss back. What had I done? I had just dug my grave a little deeper—I had made my life all the worse as if it wasn't hell enough. Why did I put myself in these stupid decisions? Why did I make myself feel even worse than I already did? Wasn't the pain of knowing I could never have the one thing I so desired enough to make me scream and want out, so why did I have to flash it before me yet again in another pathetic attempt to change what had already been done? Why, why, why did I do these things to myself? I couldn't take it, I swore things would change between us, but the anger and humiliation had built up for so long that I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't, I had to act, what if it all ended tomorrow and I regretted never letting him know? Never letting know just how much I loved him.
And I did. I loved Chris. I loved that boy with all my heart, all my soul, everything I had in me. I wanted to take care of him when he was sick, I wanted to love him so openly and freely, I wanted to hold him, be there for him, give him the security he had been so deprived of all his life. Had I ruined everything by kissing my best friend? Had I ruined our beautiful friendship, our beautiful rare, unique, remarkable friendship that made me who I was? Was he even fazed by what had happened? Was he laughing right now with the guys, congratulating him on yet another girls' heart so easily wrapped around his finger? Did Chris even pay me any mind? Did he love me like I loved him? Did he want to hold me, touch me, like I so desired to touch him? The passion, the pain, the anger, the scorn, all of this exhausted my every thought until I couldn't think anymore, until I could barely breathe, until the tears that had been built up for so long came flowing freely from my eyes, until I screamed inside myself, I laid inside myself for hours wishing, hoping, upon some star that would answer my prayer.
~ ~ ~
"Danny, can I please have a ride to school?"
My older brother looked at me with an arched eyebrow, and slid his shirt over his head. His hair was unkempt from sleep and his eyes were puffy. He was no doubt half awake, but I paid no mind to this. I needed a ride, I wouldn't be stuck walking. Not today...I couldn't face Chris. Would he want to talk about it, or act like nothing ever happened? Would he even talk to me? All I knew was that I couldn't risk the chance of running into him only the day after I had done the one thing that would change my life forever.
Danny looked at me and sighed, leaning over to tie his shoes. I glanced around his room and grimaced—it was so incredibly messy. T-shirts and jeans littered the floor, as did car magazines and socks. Boxers were hanging off of his record player, and he had an empty bottle of pop squished on his desk. Boys.
"I haven't given you a ride in so long," he said. "You always walk with Chris. Why now?"
I narrowed my eyes. How did he always know something was up? Why had the thought even crossed his small mind?
"Because," I started, trying to think of a reasonable explanation. "Because I don't feel like walking. Yeah, that's all...I don't feel like walking."
Danny rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing his bag from the back of his desk chair.
"Fine you litter twerp," he said, walking passed me and rustling my hair. "I'll meet you by the car in five."
I grinned happily and my mood slightly lightened, but the pit in the bottom of my stomach didn't go away. I knew today no matter what I would eventually have to face Chris. No matter how freaking long I stalled.
~ ~ ~
I honestly thought, I swear to the Lord, I honestly thought I was going to puke my breakfast up. The palms of my hands were becoming increasingly sweaty and butterflies infested my stomach. I stood fiddling with my lock, hoping to God that Chris wouldn't come walking down the hall. I was frightened beyond belief at what he might say, or even more what he might not say. I had never had these feelings before; I had never been accustomed to them. And I couldn't say that I liked it.
Finally after what felt like forever, I managed to clumsily open my lock and in one swift move I dumped my books into the small space, grabbed my algebra and English book, and quickly parted from me and Chris' usually meeting spot before class. I looked around before hurrying to first period. I decided to skip homeroom...the less I saw Chris, the better.
English was usually my favorite class, I enjoyed reading and writing...however, I was a bit apprehensive as I made my way into the crowded classroom. I couldn't breathe as I saw Chris sitting there, in his normal seat, talking to some girl who was laughing. My stomach dropped—I supposed it was the girl he was going to the dance with. I had to bite down on my tongue and swallow my tears as I made my way to my seat—two in front of Chris and one row to the left. I wondered momentarily if he saw me as I saw him, if he got the urge to come talk to me like he would normally had done if I had just kept my lips to their rightful owner—myself.
"Lark, you look like shit."
I looked up to see Gordie turned around in his seat, his eyebrows raised high. Just like the other day, his hair was standing on end and his lips were chapped. He looked so tired still, and I frowned. I wished everyone wouldn't always be tired. It made my head hurt.
"Thanks Gordie, that's exactly what I want to hear first thing in the morning," I said, leaning my head onto my hands.
Gordie smirked; however, his eyes grew concerned. He always knew when something was bothering me. I saw his eyes flick behind me, to where Chris sat, and I wanted to turn around to see what Chris was doing, but I had to hold myself back. I couldn't look at him...not now. Not now.
"Something bothering you Lark?" He asked. I shrugged and looked to see where our teacher was, but he was busy writing at his desk. There was still a few moments until the bell rang. I looked back at Gordie.
"I've made a huge mistake," I said, regret hanging off of every word. He looked at me with questioning eyes and a bit of alarm.
"Err, how big?" He asked and I had to laugh a bit.
"Don't worry Gordie—not that big," I said. Gordie looked a bit relieved, but still concerned.
"What happened?" he asked. I sighed...did I really want to relive the worst moment of my life? Sure, I had made some stupid mistakes...but nothing as humiliating as that. How stupid could I possibly be?
"I...er...well...last night me and Chris went for a walk..." And so I dove into the story of how I had ruined one of the only things keeping me alive on this planet. When I had finished, I bit my lip in anxiety as Gordie shook his head slowly.
"You know Lark," he said. "You are so wacked. You pick the worst times to do things. Sure, now you go and tell Chris you like him...well you didn't really tell him, did you? More of...er...showed him you liked him."
I glared at Gordie as he smirked. "Gordie, what am I going to do?" I buried my face into my hands and felt the tears threatening to spill. I was such a fool.
Gordie sighed. "Well, you should talk to him. You have to talk to him. It's the only way."
I tore my hands away from my face and raised my eyebrows. I momentarily forget my dilemma as I remembered Gordie's own predicament.
"Not to change the subject or anything," I started quickly as I saw our algebra teacher stand up. The bell was going to ring any second. "But how are things with Mary Louise?"
Gordie grimaced and made to turn around in his seat. "Err...I'll tell you later."
I frowned but decided later would be best—the bell began to ring and I sat back in my seat, wishing time would last forever, so I'd never have to face Chris. I mused for a moment the irony of not wanting to see the one person I'd dreamed about every night. Oh, the irony of it all.
~ ~ ~
The class seemed to never end. I had no idea what Mr. Falworth was saying half the time, I kept thinking of ways I could avoid Chris. The bell finally did ring, however, and I slowly gathered my books and made my way out of the classroom, making sure I was far back in the massive crowd of students. I saw Chris looked around for several moments, whether he was looking for me I did not know, but I made sure those beautiful eyes of his did not cross my path.
I thanked the heavens that we did not share second period together, and when the lunch bell rang I decided to skip and give the library a well needed visit. The library was where I found myself most relaxed, and the stress of my life faded away.
I found a row of books, way in the back of the library, and I quietly sat down, leaning my back against the shelves. No one was around, and I figured I could sort out my emotions, lay it down without lament for my pathetic situation.
I needed to talk to Chris. I couldn't avoid him forever. I couldn't avoid him for much longer. I needed, I had to talk to the boy. He needed to understand my feelings, and the fact that they weren't going away. I needed to understand his feelings, and the fact that he thought nothing more of me than a best friend, a confider. I needed to respect that. I just hoped he would understand, I hoped he would understand the vulnerable state he put me in. I hoped he would understand the power he had over me...
I didn't really have enough time to think about anything, for the devil himself came stumbling atop of me, literally tripping over my bag and landing hard on top of me. I didn't have time to fawn over the fact that Chris Chambers lay atop of me, I was quickly losing feeling in my leg.
"Ooofmp, Chris, you're squishing me," I croaked, my voice muffled from his shoulder on my mouth.
"Sorry," Chris mumbled, quickly sitting up right, opposite of me. He was breathing rather shakily and I wondered why he had come to the library. Chris was hardly ever in the library—had he known I was here?
The moment was awkward to say the least. Chris looked at me nervously and I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye—I couldn't, I was afraid of what I might do. Instead, I rubbed my elbow which Chris had banged into the shelf.
"Are you hurt?" He asked, looking at my face which no doubt mirrored a mix of emotional and physical pain. My elbow was really hurting me.
I took a chance and glanced into his eyes and I could feel myself slipping away. I shook my head.
"No," I said firmly. Chris' eyes shown hurt though and I knew the question held more meaning than that of the well-being of my elbow.
Silence engulfed us one more time and I couldn't help but want to break it. I leaned my head against the shelf and he looked at me.
"Lark," he began. Oh God, here it comes. The horrible lecture of 'I like you, just not like that.' Oh God, how I dreaded that lecture. "We need to talk."
I braced myself for what was to come. But I wouldn't take his sympathy—I didn't need his pity. Poor ugly girl, fell for me and now I get to break her heart. No, I didn't want that. No! I'm not a victim. I will NOT be the victim. Not me, Not Lark.
"No—Chris wait," I said. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would fly through my chest. "Don't. What happened the other night...I was caught up in emotions...I didn't know what I was doing."
Chris looked pained, strained, drained, all of them. He looked so exhausted, so tired, so worn out. He looked like he wanted to say something, but had no idea what it was.
"Lark," he repeated. "I—I didn't know what to do. It was shocking to say the least. And—and then you just ran. And you cried! You never cry, Lark."
I didn't say anything. What were you supposed to that? It wasn't a legitimate explanation—it told me nothing! Just say it dammit, you hate me, you don't love me, laugh at me, make me humiliated, ashamed, something, make me cry for Heavens sake!
"You have to understand," he began. "You're my best friend. You will always be my best friend." I wanted to scream, I was screaming, I was running. Running, screaming, stop it, oh God please make it stop. Make the pain stop, please. "I don't want to lose you, Lark. You're my best friend." I closed my eyes.
I grimaced as he said these next words. I would never forget them...never ever. They would haunt me for days, the feeling I had at that moment I would never forget. I remembered exactly how he looked at that moment, confused, pained, afraid, regretful. I remembered the way his hair fell to the side a bit at that precise moment. I would never forget what he would say to me next.
"I love you Lark, I love you so much. Just not like that."
After all these years of falling, I finally hit bottom. Rock fucking bottom.
~ ~ ~
I looked sadly at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying. He didn't love me. Of course he didn't love me. Why would he love me? I was Lark. Lark O'Reilly, his best friend. But—wait, he had told me he loved me. He had said it, but he just didn't love me 'in that way.' I felt tears building up in my eyes, tears of humiliation, but I wasn't giving him that much satisfaction.
I sighed a deep and shaky sigh, and leaned my head against the book shelves. He watched me sadly, and I saw something in his eyes—something like regret. I saw his pained face looking at me, watching me, as I tried to maintain my pride. I wondered if he had ever thought of me in 'that way'. Chris had, after all, kissed me back. I had kissed him, but he didn't pull away, he kissed me back. Maybe it was in pure heat of the moment, or maybe for one brief minute he had seen me in a new light. Whatever it was, I probably would never know.
Looking back, I seemed a bit of a fool to think our friendship would be ruined over something as trivial as a crush. But that was just it...it wasn't a crush. It was love, pure, honest, innocent love. I was in love with my best friend and that was that, I couldn't change it for the life of me. I looked at him sadly and I couldn't help but just feel sad. Sad, that was it. I was sad that I had ever kissed him, I was angry that I had ever fallen for him...but it was almost inevitable.
"Chris," I began, looking away for a moment. "I'm sorry I made this whole thing so complicated. I'm sorry I ever liked you that way..."
Chris looked at me again with that same look of regret. He looked away, and then looked back at me.
"Lark," he said. "You may not understand now, but I can't...I just can't. I can't do this right now. I need you there for me...there for me so I can talk to you. I need you as my best friend. Don't you see?"
I felt anger prick up in me. Chris was so fucking shallow, could he get any shallower? Was I only there whenever he needed someone to talk to? Did he care about me at all, was I just the friend? I had no worth as a person?
I felt the tears build in my eyes and Chris looked so full of hurt at me. "Lark, I don't want to lose you. You're worth so much more than any of the girls I have ever been with. I—I don't have the best luck in the relationship department. I wouldn't give you the love you deserve...I don't deserve you. I would treat you so badly...I'd screw it up. I don't want to take that chance."
The tears continued to form in my eyes and I looked at him as I began to shake. I hated this power he held over me. It was so terrifying and exciting at the same time.
"What are you saying?" I managed to whisper, just as a single tear fell down my cheek.
Chris leaned in closer to me and sighed. "You are worth so much more than just another fling of mine. I—I wish I could be different. I wish...I wish I could give you the love you deserve so much. But I can't...I wish I could change..."
I glared at him, suddenly so angry. "Chris, don't you see? Oh God, I swear, open your eyes! Why can't you see that I love you the way you are? Imperfections and all! I'm fucking sick and tired of you never listening to me fully! I'm just not freaking good enough for you, right?"
I couldn't believe I had said those words, but sometimes things just happen and you don't think about them. Chris looked at me ashamed. He looked away and I cried out in frustration.
"If I was pretty, it'd be different wouldn't it?" I spat angrily. "If I was pretty, you'd love me back. You know that's the truth. If I was freaking Amanda Bradshaw you'd love me."
Chris looked away, too ashamed to talk. I couldn't believe it. He was just as shallow as I thought. I glared at him, the tears falling. I grabbed my bag and walked out of the library, and out of Chris' life.
~ ~ ~
[I couldn't bring myself to do shout-outs this time. I promise in the next chapter there will be shout-outs. This was sad to write...I hate to admit it. But I didn't want this story to be clichéd, and it'd be way too unreal if he suddenly professed his undying love for Lark. But the story is not over!! It's far from it—do not be frightened!! There's still more to come. And alas, some hope for Lark and Chris? Aye! That chapter was kind of weird, I know.]