It wasn't the end of the world. It couldn't be. I would NOT fall
apart over some guy, some guy who'd I'd been infatuated with and had been
totally dejected. No, I was not going to fall apart. There were other guys
out there, other nice, smart, funny NON SHALLOW guys, who appreciated
people for who they were and not the exterior. Yes, I would find a guy like
that...eventually.
It hurt, that was true. Oh God, did it hurt so badly. But I suppose that was normal. I'd never had my heart broken before. I'd never known what it felt like to have someone look you in the eyes and tell you they didn't feel the same. I would remember that feeling forever, for all of my life. It was a feeling like no other—your heart speeds up just before the bomb is dropped, and when it's over all you want to do is not move, just stare and stare, empty and hollow. I didn't cry, I didn't even cry. My tears when I ran out of the library were out of anger and annoyance, but not out of heart break. I would NOT cry over Chris Chambers. Over my best friend.
~ ~ ~
"Lark! Lark open the door, I know you're in there!"
"Go away!" I yelled, throwing my pillow to my bedroom door where Gordie continued to knock. I didn't want to see him—I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. I just wanted to be alone, I needed to think, sort out my emotions. I just needed time to myself so I could change the disaster I had already made.
"Don't make me bust the door down," Gordie grumbled, trying with all his might to turn the knob. He pounded hard on the door and I could feel it about give out. As lanky as LaChance was, he was pretty strong. I sighed, finally letting in to his excessive knocking, and rolled off of my bed. I unlocked the door reluctantly and Gordie tumbled in onto the floor. I had to laugh.
"Don't laugh at me," he growled, standing up. He looked tired as usual, but his eyes were sad and hollow. Had he known what happened between me and Chris? Or had something happened between Mary Louise and him?
"What do you want?" I said irritably, going back over to my bed—my pity spot—and slumped against my pillows. I was still so groggy from what had happened earlier and I could tell Gordie knew something was up.
"I wanted to talk to you," Gordie said, sitting down on my desk chair. He sighed. "I talked to Chris earlier."
I grimaced. "Lovely," I said, playing with the corner of one of my pillows. "Whatever about?"
Gordie looked apprehensive, as if contemplating whether to tell me or not. I wish he would just spit it out—it was better to just get it all out than to make me become all anxious.
"You," he said, looking right at me. "We talked about you."
I frowned. I rubbed my head and sighed. "Did he tell you what happened?" I asked, trying my best to block out Gordie's voice, but the laws of physics wouldn't allow it.
Gordie sighed. "He told me about the library incident. What you said to him really hurt him, Lark."
I couldn't believe my ears. Hurt him? How could I hurt him? I gaped and Gordie.
"How the hell could I hurt Chris?" I asked. I had to know—come on, me hurting Chris? Right.
Gordie sighed and looked thoroughly upset. "He told me that you said to him that if you were 'pretty' then he'd like you back. He said that you said that if you were 'pretty' than everything would be different. That really hurt him, Lark. Chris isn't like that—he's not shallow like that. Especially not with someone he loves, you."
I shook my head. "It's true, Gordie! Chris is a shallow bastard! That is what it's about...if I was pretty—"
"Lark would you just shut up!" Gordie snapped. I looked at him taken aback. Gordie had never yelled at me like that before. "It's not about the way you look! You're not ugly, so stop thinking that! Have you ever thought that maybe Chris just doesn't like you like that?"
Ouch. That hurt...I swallowed several times to keep the tears from flowing. "Gordie—I never said that he—"
Gordie shook his head. "Listen to me. Chris loves you Lark, he loves you so much. More than you think...and you know what, I see it in his eyes, he loves you more than just a friend. I don't think he realizes just how much he does care about you, I don't think he knows that you mean more to him than a best friend. He looks at you the way he looks when he's found something special, when he's truly fallen."
I glared at Gordie. "How can you say that to me? How can you be so cruel? You don't know anything; Chris does not like me that way! He told me so!"
Gordie cried out in frustration. "He told you that because he was afraid! Wouldn't you be afraid of losing Chris? He's afraid he'll lose you, which is a bit selfish I'll admit, but he's afraid. You're the one good thing in his life and he doesn't want to lose you."
I crossed my arms stubbornly. "I don't believe it. If Chris feels that way about me, he'd tell me to my face. He's always told me everything."
Gordie shook his head. "No he hasn't. He has never told you anything about the way he feels about you. You know, I've known Chris longer than you have known him. He's my best friend too, you know. He really cares about you Lark, and I swear to God it's more than you know. One of these days that boy will open his eyes and see you! See what's right in front of his face—a beautiful girl who has so much to give."
"Shut up!" I screamed. "Stop saying these things! Stop filling my head up with hopes that will never come true! Stop saying that I'm pretty, stop telling me Chris loves me, stop saying he cares about me! I'm not stupid Gordie, I may be pathetic, but I am NOT stupid!"
Gordie shook his head, pity evident on his face. "The both of you are so fucked up. You both don't realize what you mean to each other, and if one of you doesn't open your eyes and go for it, I'll shoot myself."
I glared at him. "I'll shoot you first bastard! If you haven't noticed, MY EYES ARE FUCKING WIDE OPEN! I KISSED him, isn't that enough? I told him that I loved him! I told him how I felt! He just doesn't feel the same. I need to accept that!"
Gordie sighed. "You know, I don't know why I'm bothering with you. I have my own problems—for instance, Mary Louise and I broke up."
I gaped at him, immediately forgetting my own problems. "W-what?" I asked. "W-when? How could you?"
Gordie shrugged, leaning on the back of the chair. "We both agreed it was for the best. Mainly, we just don't like each other anymore."
"You can't just stop liking someone out of nowhere!" I said, angrily. "Relationships do not just 'end.' They slowly deteriorate."
Gordie shrugged. "Whatever you want to call it. Bottom line is, we are broken up."
I arched an eyebrow. "Aren't you upset?"
"I guess," Gordie yawned. "She wasn't all that great...it was kind of a boring relationship. She won't speak to me though, and she's telling everyone that she dumped me, when in fact it was a mutual break up."
I sighed. "I'm sorry for blowing up on you Gordo," I said. "I'm just so—so—frustrated. I've made a complete ass of myself, and I don't know if I can ever fix it."
Gordie stretched his arms out and sighed. "You'll fix it. You and Chris are best friends—it'll get better, don't worry. Eventually he'll come around."
I grumbled. "Gordie, if he doesn't like me that way, he doesn't like me that way. That's that. I need to just...get over it, I guess."
Gordie shrugged. "Whatever. Listen, I got to go. If you need to talk anymore, just call me."
I nodded and flopped down on my bed. "I'm screwed."
"Nahh, you're really not," Gordie said, walking out of my room and shutting the door on his way out.
~ ~ ~
Whenever I would get stressed or annoyed, I'd take a walk. So that's what I decided to do...take a walk. And what a walk that was.
I was passing Medlar Street and Pomgranite Street when I saw Chris walking towards me. He looked so upset—so exhausted, and his lip was freshly cut. I couldn't just pass him and ignore him, I had to say something. Though, I wasn't sure what that would be.
He spoke first. He saw me approaching and came right at me, held me by the arm and wouldn't allow me to walk any further. His very touch made me shiver.
"Hey Lark," he said, disturbingly normal. How could he act normal at a time like this? "How's it going?"
I looked at him, bewildered for a moment. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to talk to me! I was not only extremely embarrassed, but the whole situation was awkward. No more than seven hours ago I was professing my love for him in the library, and now we were acting like old buddies. Life was fucked up. I decided to go along with it—though I knew we would have to face it sooner or later.
I arched an eyebrow at him and shoved my hands in my pockets. "It's going alright. How 'bout you?"
He shrugged and touched his lip, then grimaced. I stepped in closer to him automatically and touched his cut.
"Does it hurt bad?" I asked, trying to see how deep it was. He looked down at me with a raised eyebrow, but nodded all the same. "You need to clean it up."
Chris grimaced again as I traced my fingers over the cut above his right eye. He looked a real mess. I was surprised we were talking at all—I supposed it was our way of trying to forget the humiliating events earlier.
"I can't go back," Chris muttered. "My dad will kill me—literally."
I nodded, understanding. I bit my lip nervously...I had to talk to him now, about it, before something stupid escaped my lips and we were back at square one.
"Come on," I said. "We can go to my house. I'll clean it up for you."
Chris looked sadly at me, and all at once did his eyes darken and he looked ashamed.
"Lark," he breathed. "I don't deserve you. It'd be so much easier for you to just walk away, to just not care about me. How do you do it? I've been so cruel to you, and yet you still want to take me home and care for me. How is that?"
I felt tears prick my eyes and I swallowed. "Chris—"
"No," Chris said, suddenly extremely upset. "I realized something Lark. I realized something as I watched you walk out of the library today, and I realized it when you started to cry. I realized that there are people in this world who will come and go, who will walk in and out of my life. But you—you've always been there. You've never gone anywhere; you'll always be there for me even when I fuck up."
I opened my mouth to speak but he held up his finger to my lips.
"Here me out," he said. "I don't deserve you. I've fucked up so bad these past few years; I haven't given you all that you deserve. You deserve someone better than me. But I realized as I watched you leave, that I might never be able to get back what he had. I—I care about you Lark. I really do...so much more than you know. I can't change what I said back there, in the library, but I regret it. I regret not realizing how I felt about you so long ago—I've never realized it until you walked away."
Tears fell down my face now. How could he do this to me? How could he tell me that I was nothing more than a friend one minute, than tell me he really did care more about me the next? How could Chris torment me so? This wasn't happening, I never go the guy, I never would. I was Lark for fucks sake! I was Lark, the best friend, the girl that was just always there. I never expected for someone to actually give a damn about MY feelings, I always cared about everyone else's feelings. I didn't know what to do.
Chris looked cautiously at me, and then grabbed me by the shoulders. I felt his breath tingle my face and I wanted to kiss him so bad again. How could he do this to me?
He looked at me, and before I could say or do anything, he did what I never would expect Chris Chambers to do, especially to me, Lark O'Reilly.
~ ~ ~
[OoO Cliffhanger! What do you think will happen? Will he kiss Lark? Will he tell her once again that he doesn't care that way about her? Well, you'll just have to wait to find out. I have a question though:
Is this too unreal, too cliché? I was a bit nervous about this chapter; I don't want it to seem unreal, yet at the same time this story is meant to send a message out to people that looks aren't everything. Everyone can find love, it IS what is inside that matters. I'm trying to pull this off without being cheesy. How am I doing? I *really* don't want this to be cheesy...so please, if you think it's too cheesy and cliché, let me know!!
...okay I promised shout-outs in this chapter. Here we go...they won't be long, I'm tired.
StormShadow21: Ahh, yes, I'm glad you're enjoying this. You're my most persistent reviewer, and I just love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!! *Molly Shannon moment, sorry* I know that last chapter WAS harsh, but it's the goddamn truth!! Boys are just so...SHALLOW! But don't fret, I'm trying to make this good without being cheesy. I hope it is working. I'm glad you like this story enough to continue to review. Reviews=love. Yay. Anyways...thanks a bunch for reviewing and don't' forget to update your story! It's sooo good. Anywhos, my fingers hurt from typing. In the next shout-out segment, I promise to make the shout outs longer!! Until then, me. :)
Beautyqueen321: woowoo, another review! Holler at it. I'm glad you think that this story is good enough to continue. I hope you liked this chapter!! I'm trying to eventually have Lark realize people WILL love her for her, you know? I'm sick and tired of the Mary-Sue's taking over the world and getting all the glory! The Best Friend rocks, and I'm rooting for her!!
SleepIsFun: Thanks a bunch for reviewing!! You've reviewed from the beginning, and I hope you keep up with the story!! Gracias, it is much appreciated. :) strawberry for you! Holler, pass 'em around.
Homestar-is-Delicious: You're penname is SO COOL!! I love it, from the first time you reviewed, I was like holler at the penname. It's awesome, really. Well, I'm glad you like the story so far!! Continue to review and tell me what you liked/didn't like, your perspective/opinions. It really does help!! **THAT GOES FOR ALL MY REVIEWERS!!** Those reviews are the best kind...anyways, here's to you. Well, I'm off. Strawberries for ya!
*~Thanks to Sophie & Danihum also!!! You guys RoCk. PS-Sophie I think it's too funny that you read fanfiction in Spanish class. I love it!! Hahaha~*
~*Okay kids, well that's all for today. Make sure you review and give me insight—and I'm kind of lost where this is going. Should Chris kiss Lark? Well, until next. –me :)]
It hurt, that was true. Oh God, did it hurt so badly. But I suppose that was normal. I'd never had my heart broken before. I'd never known what it felt like to have someone look you in the eyes and tell you they didn't feel the same. I would remember that feeling forever, for all of my life. It was a feeling like no other—your heart speeds up just before the bomb is dropped, and when it's over all you want to do is not move, just stare and stare, empty and hollow. I didn't cry, I didn't even cry. My tears when I ran out of the library were out of anger and annoyance, but not out of heart break. I would NOT cry over Chris Chambers. Over my best friend.
~ ~ ~
"Lark! Lark open the door, I know you're in there!"
"Go away!" I yelled, throwing my pillow to my bedroom door where Gordie continued to knock. I didn't want to see him—I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. I just wanted to be alone, I needed to think, sort out my emotions. I just needed time to myself so I could change the disaster I had already made.
"Don't make me bust the door down," Gordie grumbled, trying with all his might to turn the knob. He pounded hard on the door and I could feel it about give out. As lanky as LaChance was, he was pretty strong. I sighed, finally letting in to his excessive knocking, and rolled off of my bed. I unlocked the door reluctantly and Gordie tumbled in onto the floor. I had to laugh.
"Don't laugh at me," he growled, standing up. He looked tired as usual, but his eyes were sad and hollow. Had he known what happened between me and Chris? Or had something happened between Mary Louise and him?
"What do you want?" I said irritably, going back over to my bed—my pity spot—and slumped against my pillows. I was still so groggy from what had happened earlier and I could tell Gordie knew something was up.
"I wanted to talk to you," Gordie said, sitting down on my desk chair. He sighed. "I talked to Chris earlier."
I grimaced. "Lovely," I said, playing with the corner of one of my pillows. "Whatever about?"
Gordie looked apprehensive, as if contemplating whether to tell me or not. I wish he would just spit it out—it was better to just get it all out than to make me become all anxious.
"You," he said, looking right at me. "We talked about you."
I frowned. I rubbed my head and sighed. "Did he tell you what happened?" I asked, trying my best to block out Gordie's voice, but the laws of physics wouldn't allow it.
Gordie sighed. "He told me about the library incident. What you said to him really hurt him, Lark."
I couldn't believe my ears. Hurt him? How could I hurt him? I gaped and Gordie.
"How the hell could I hurt Chris?" I asked. I had to know—come on, me hurting Chris? Right.
Gordie sighed and looked thoroughly upset. "He told me that you said to him that if you were 'pretty' then he'd like you back. He said that you said that if you were 'pretty' than everything would be different. That really hurt him, Lark. Chris isn't like that—he's not shallow like that. Especially not with someone he loves, you."
I shook my head. "It's true, Gordie! Chris is a shallow bastard! That is what it's about...if I was pretty—"
"Lark would you just shut up!" Gordie snapped. I looked at him taken aback. Gordie had never yelled at me like that before. "It's not about the way you look! You're not ugly, so stop thinking that! Have you ever thought that maybe Chris just doesn't like you like that?"
Ouch. That hurt...I swallowed several times to keep the tears from flowing. "Gordie—I never said that he—"
Gordie shook his head. "Listen to me. Chris loves you Lark, he loves you so much. More than you think...and you know what, I see it in his eyes, he loves you more than just a friend. I don't think he realizes just how much he does care about you, I don't think he knows that you mean more to him than a best friend. He looks at you the way he looks when he's found something special, when he's truly fallen."
I glared at Gordie. "How can you say that to me? How can you be so cruel? You don't know anything; Chris does not like me that way! He told me so!"
Gordie cried out in frustration. "He told you that because he was afraid! Wouldn't you be afraid of losing Chris? He's afraid he'll lose you, which is a bit selfish I'll admit, but he's afraid. You're the one good thing in his life and he doesn't want to lose you."
I crossed my arms stubbornly. "I don't believe it. If Chris feels that way about me, he'd tell me to my face. He's always told me everything."
Gordie shook his head. "No he hasn't. He has never told you anything about the way he feels about you. You know, I've known Chris longer than you have known him. He's my best friend too, you know. He really cares about you Lark, and I swear to God it's more than you know. One of these days that boy will open his eyes and see you! See what's right in front of his face—a beautiful girl who has so much to give."
"Shut up!" I screamed. "Stop saying these things! Stop filling my head up with hopes that will never come true! Stop saying that I'm pretty, stop telling me Chris loves me, stop saying he cares about me! I'm not stupid Gordie, I may be pathetic, but I am NOT stupid!"
Gordie shook his head, pity evident on his face. "The both of you are so fucked up. You both don't realize what you mean to each other, and if one of you doesn't open your eyes and go for it, I'll shoot myself."
I glared at him. "I'll shoot you first bastard! If you haven't noticed, MY EYES ARE FUCKING WIDE OPEN! I KISSED him, isn't that enough? I told him that I loved him! I told him how I felt! He just doesn't feel the same. I need to accept that!"
Gordie sighed. "You know, I don't know why I'm bothering with you. I have my own problems—for instance, Mary Louise and I broke up."
I gaped at him, immediately forgetting my own problems. "W-what?" I asked. "W-when? How could you?"
Gordie shrugged, leaning on the back of the chair. "We both agreed it was for the best. Mainly, we just don't like each other anymore."
"You can't just stop liking someone out of nowhere!" I said, angrily. "Relationships do not just 'end.' They slowly deteriorate."
Gordie shrugged. "Whatever you want to call it. Bottom line is, we are broken up."
I arched an eyebrow. "Aren't you upset?"
"I guess," Gordie yawned. "She wasn't all that great...it was kind of a boring relationship. She won't speak to me though, and she's telling everyone that she dumped me, when in fact it was a mutual break up."
I sighed. "I'm sorry for blowing up on you Gordo," I said. "I'm just so—so—frustrated. I've made a complete ass of myself, and I don't know if I can ever fix it."
Gordie stretched his arms out and sighed. "You'll fix it. You and Chris are best friends—it'll get better, don't worry. Eventually he'll come around."
I grumbled. "Gordie, if he doesn't like me that way, he doesn't like me that way. That's that. I need to just...get over it, I guess."
Gordie shrugged. "Whatever. Listen, I got to go. If you need to talk anymore, just call me."
I nodded and flopped down on my bed. "I'm screwed."
"Nahh, you're really not," Gordie said, walking out of my room and shutting the door on his way out.
~ ~ ~
Whenever I would get stressed or annoyed, I'd take a walk. So that's what I decided to do...take a walk. And what a walk that was.
I was passing Medlar Street and Pomgranite Street when I saw Chris walking towards me. He looked so upset—so exhausted, and his lip was freshly cut. I couldn't just pass him and ignore him, I had to say something. Though, I wasn't sure what that would be.
He spoke first. He saw me approaching and came right at me, held me by the arm and wouldn't allow me to walk any further. His very touch made me shiver.
"Hey Lark," he said, disturbingly normal. How could he act normal at a time like this? "How's it going?"
I looked at him, bewildered for a moment. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to talk to me! I was not only extremely embarrassed, but the whole situation was awkward. No more than seven hours ago I was professing my love for him in the library, and now we were acting like old buddies. Life was fucked up. I decided to go along with it—though I knew we would have to face it sooner or later.
I arched an eyebrow at him and shoved my hands in my pockets. "It's going alright. How 'bout you?"
He shrugged and touched his lip, then grimaced. I stepped in closer to him automatically and touched his cut.
"Does it hurt bad?" I asked, trying to see how deep it was. He looked down at me with a raised eyebrow, but nodded all the same. "You need to clean it up."
Chris grimaced again as I traced my fingers over the cut above his right eye. He looked a real mess. I was surprised we were talking at all—I supposed it was our way of trying to forget the humiliating events earlier.
"I can't go back," Chris muttered. "My dad will kill me—literally."
I nodded, understanding. I bit my lip nervously...I had to talk to him now, about it, before something stupid escaped my lips and we were back at square one.
"Come on," I said. "We can go to my house. I'll clean it up for you."
Chris looked sadly at me, and all at once did his eyes darken and he looked ashamed.
"Lark," he breathed. "I don't deserve you. It'd be so much easier for you to just walk away, to just not care about me. How do you do it? I've been so cruel to you, and yet you still want to take me home and care for me. How is that?"
I felt tears prick my eyes and I swallowed. "Chris—"
"No," Chris said, suddenly extremely upset. "I realized something Lark. I realized something as I watched you walk out of the library today, and I realized it when you started to cry. I realized that there are people in this world who will come and go, who will walk in and out of my life. But you—you've always been there. You've never gone anywhere; you'll always be there for me even when I fuck up."
I opened my mouth to speak but he held up his finger to my lips.
"Here me out," he said. "I don't deserve you. I've fucked up so bad these past few years; I haven't given you all that you deserve. You deserve someone better than me. But I realized as I watched you leave, that I might never be able to get back what he had. I—I care about you Lark. I really do...so much more than you know. I can't change what I said back there, in the library, but I regret it. I regret not realizing how I felt about you so long ago—I've never realized it until you walked away."
Tears fell down my face now. How could he do this to me? How could he tell me that I was nothing more than a friend one minute, than tell me he really did care more about me the next? How could Chris torment me so? This wasn't happening, I never go the guy, I never would. I was Lark for fucks sake! I was Lark, the best friend, the girl that was just always there. I never expected for someone to actually give a damn about MY feelings, I always cared about everyone else's feelings. I didn't know what to do.
Chris looked cautiously at me, and then grabbed me by the shoulders. I felt his breath tingle my face and I wanted to kiss him so bad again. How could he do this to me?
He looked at me, and before I could say or do anything, he did what I never would expect Chris Chambers to do, especially to me, Lark O'Reilly.
~ ~ ~
[OoO Cliffhanger! What do you think will happen? Will he kiss Lark? Will he tell her once again that he doesn't care that way about her? Well, you'll just have to wait to find out. I have a question though:
Is this too unreal, too cliché? I was a bit nervous about this chapter; I don't want it to seem unreal, yet at the same time this story is meant to send a message out to people that looks aren't everything. Everyone can find love, it IS what is inside that matters. I'm trying to pull this off without being cheesy. How am I doing? I *really* don't want this to be cheesy...so please, if you think it's too cheesy and cliché, let me know!!
...okay I promised shout-outs in this chapter. Here we go...they won't be long, I'm tired.
StormShadow21: Ahh, yes, I'm glad you're enjoying this. You're my most persistent reviewer, and I just love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!! *Molly Shannon moment, sorry* I know that last chapter WAS harsh, but it's the goddamn truth!! Boys are just so...SHALLOW! But don't fret, I'm trying to make this good without being cheesy. I hope it is working. I'm glad you like this story enough to continue to review. Reviews=love. Yay. Anyways...thanks a bunch for reviewing and don't' forget to update your story! It's sooo good. Anywhos, my fingers hurt from typing. In the next shout-out segment, I promise to make the shout outs longer!! Until then, me. :)
Beautyqueen321: woowoo, another review! Holler at it. I'm glad you think that this story is good enough to continue. I hope you liked this chapter!! I'm trying to eventually have Lark realize people WILL love her for her, you know? I'm sick and tired of the Mary-Sue's taking over the world and getting all the glory! The Best Friend rocks, and I'm rooting for her!!
SleepIsFun: Thanks a bunch for reviewing!! You've reviewed from the beginning, and I hope you keep up with the story!! Gracias, it is much appreciated. :) strawberry for you! Holler, pass 'em around.
Homestar-is-Delicious: You're penname is SO COOL!! I love it, from the first time you reviewed, I was like holler at the penname. It's awesome, really. Well, I'm glad you like the story so far!! Continue to review and tell me what you liked/didn't like, your perspective/opinions. It really does help!! **THAT GOES FOR ALL MY REVIEWERS!!** Those reviews are the best kind...anyways, here's to you. Well, I'm off. Strawberries for ya!
*~Thanks to Sophie & Danihum also!!! You guys RoCk. PS-Sophie I think it's too funny that you read fanfiction in Spanish class. I love it!! Hahaha~*
~*Okay kids, well that's all for today. Make sure you review and give me insight—and I'm kind of lost where this is going. Should Chris kiss Lark? Well, until next. –me :)]