I heard Mark screaming from the livingroom. "Can I come inside Spud?" "Offcourse," he said and he steps away so I could go to the livingroom. I was prepared for everything, but not for what I saw in there. Sick Boy was lying on the floor. The floor was full of needles and bottles. "Hey! We were just talking about you, Susan. About what Mark said about you, that you were a beast." It was terrifying. I looked to the right and saw Mark lying. His eyes were totally white, you couldn't see his pupils anymore. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth. He couldn't look at me. I had to get out of there. I turned around. "Are you already leaving? Don't you want a nice shot of heroin my love?" Sick Boy asked me. I walked straight to the door. Spud was looking to me like I was butt naked. I ran and ran and ran. I started to fight the tears, but I couldn't stop them anymore. I sat down on the pavement and cried my eyes out. Mark, a heroin junk. I couldn't believe it. But in some strange way, I always knew it, I just didn't want to see it. He was my sweetheart, but I wasn't his sweetheart. Heroin was his sweetheart. I called Diane and asked her if it was OK if she didn't come tomorrow, but the next holiday. She sounded worried, but I just said that I had some problems and I had to work some more. I couldn't say the truth, because she warned me for this. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I drunk the sixpack and all the beer that was in my refrigerator. I felt bad after I drunk it all. But I slept immediately.

It was Susan.. It fucking was Susan. I still can't believe it. But I knew that this was about to happen. Because no matter how much you stash, or how much you steal, you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and fuck people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again. Cause you're addicted. It was the next day I realised what had happened. I hated myself. I hated myself for being addicted and I hated myself for letting the heroin control my life. And I hated myself the most for letting my soulmate go. I felt so extremely fucked up that I took a shot. And then I called her.

I just went back from the supermarket, where I bought lots of beer, chocolate and rented some movies. I had sold the tickets to someone else and got a good price for it. The phone rang. I said my name. I hear that it was Mark on the other side of the line, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I interrupted him. "Mark, you screwed it. I don't want a relationship with a heroin junkie. Now just fuck off and stop calling me." And I slammed the phone down. I can't believe he has the nerves to call me now! I find out yesterday that's he's a junkie, and he calls me today.

I hang up the phone. Susan sounded very mad, and I understand that. I slept the whole day and in the evening, Spud came to my house and asked me if I'd go to the pub. I said yes, because I could use a drink. In about an hour I was getting pretty drunk and I got a girl with me. We were almost fucking each other on the streets, and offcourse, Susan walked past us. She pretended to not see me, but I knew she did and I knew I'd hurt her. I said to the girl I had to go home. But I walked after Susan.

I just needed to buy some cigarettes, and walk a bit, to think about some other things than Mark. So I was walking down the street, and who is fucking a girl in an alley? Mark. He really isn't worth all my crying and feeling sick. I have to forget him. So I walked past them and pretend that I didn't see them. I walk for 5 minutes and I feel that I'm being followed. So I walk a bit faster. I'm getting scared. I turn myself and see Mark. "For fuck's sake Mark, are you high again? You're giving me a heart attack. I already told you to fuck off. It's your own fault. " And I walked further to my house and went to bed.

I just didn't had the energy to answer to the things that Susan said on the street. I just wanted to get a hit and cry in my room. So I went home. But her words keep on haunting in my head. Fuck off. It's your own fault. I can't stand it anymore. It sounds dramatic, but it's true. If I can't live with her, than I rather just kill myself. I wrote a letter to her. I took 5 hits in one time. My body started to shake, I felt my heart beating so fucking fast. My head was swelling from the inside, it looked like my brains were exploding. And then it all went black.