I'd never cared about someone or something as much as I cared about Chris,
and the prospect was quite frightening. I'd never wished to take away
someone's pain so much that it actually hurt and caused my heart pain. I'd
never wanted to take care of someone, hold them, love them, as much as I
wanted to care for, hold, and love Chris. I didn't know and wouldn't for a
while longer just how strongly Chris felt about me, and the whole thing
sent a chill through my body every time he smiled at me. I was afraid I was
too far gone—there was no turning back. I felt that I could never love
anyone besides him, and that feeling made me want to scream and cry, for
I'd never had that feeling of vulnerability before. The power he held over
me blinded me, though I was my own person, Chris was whom I loved so purely
and genuinely.
Sometimes I'd think of what things would be like had I not kissed Chris, had I not risked everything over pure lust of the moment. Would I constantly watch everything from the outside in, would Chris ever realize that he had feelings for me, would I just get over Chris, as if he was some stupid crush? I wondered what my life would be like, and wonder if I would have been better off that way. Falling too deeply in love seems to only have tragic outcomes, thus dooming my life for sure. Either that or I just had bad luck.
But then how did Chris come into all this? Why had he suddenly opened his eyes to me? Had it been the kissed? Well of course it had, but why had he given us a chance? Why had I given us a chance? Loving him was inevitable—bound to happen sooner or later. But...loving me? Did he love me the way I loved him? The question haunted the inner depths of my soul but I shrugged it off casually. I didn't care if he didn't love me...I loved him and that was that. There was nothing to do about it. If he didn't love me, he didn't love me, but I would always love him. Always.
~*~*~
"Gordie, why are you smiling so like an idiot?"
Gordie glared at me but couldn't stop smiling nonetheless. He ran a hand through his hair as he balled up the newly fallen snow into one hand and threw it at me. I squealed and ran after him, only to have Chris intercept my jumping on top of Gordie and pinned me down in the snow. I giggled and closed my eyes tightly as the snow pierced my neck. Gordie laughed and came rushing over towards us, snow in his hands, holding it above my face. Chris pinned my arms over my head and crushed my body with his.
"No!" I screamed, half laughing half dying. "Noooo! Don't! I won't call you an idiot again I promise! I can't help it that you smile queerly!"
Gordie smirked and held the snow above my head, thoroughly enjoying my frightened state. Without a second to let me try and resist Chris' firm hold, he dumped the snow in my face, blinding me and causing me to scream out in fury. Chris grinned and let me go, only to have me jump on top of him.
Gordie giggled and pushed me over, so I laid in the snow, which I felt falling into my pants. I growled but giggled all the same. How could anyone stay mad for long in the fresh snow? I really did love winter—probably more so than summer. It was weird, but I loved the cold—ha, ironic. I looked over at Chris who was lying beside me, head propped up on his elbow, cheeks flushed from the cold. He looked so angelic, so beautiful that my instincts got the better of me and I leaned over and kissed him quickly. Chris smiled pleasantly surprised and I blushed, while Gordie made gagging noises. I threw a fistful of snow at him to shut him up.
I sat up and looked over to Gordie who had his hands in his pockets, looking around the park at the holiday enjoyers. He still had that damned look of contempt on his face, a grin tugging at his lips. What the hell was he so happy about? I recalled our conversation about Mary Louise, and I figured he didn't really care...he seemed quite happy about Jenny. So why was he so fucking happy?
"Gordie! Why are you so happy?" I asked, standing up and helping Chris up. I brushed snow out of my hair and re-adjusted my mittens so the snow could be emptied from their current place on my wrist. Chris smirked and I arched an eyebrow.
"Don't you just love the winter?" Gordie said, sighing happily. I rolled my eyes at his obvious sarcasm and waited for an answer. "Can't I just be happy Lark?"
I laughed but quickly wiped the grin off of my face. I never really thought about that...in all honesty, Gordie never really was...happy. He would put on this act to make others think he was happy, but in the long run, Gordie was just an incredibly sad guy who never knew the meaning of the word 'love.' I frowned and looked sadly at him. Of course Gordie could be happy...why had I made such a big deal out of it? Maybe he really was content...even when he was with Mary Louise, Gordie always gave off a tainted vibe. Gordie was never the happy one out of us all. Even Chris with all his shit at home came off happy and even me who was mentally fucked up was happy most of the time. But Gordie...Gordie was never happy. You could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in him.
I was thrown out of my Gordie moment when a snow ball went flying straight into my face, momentarily blinding me and literally freezing my eyelashes. I spat out snow and glared in Gordie's direction, but he had already ran down the hill we were sitting on in the park, probably to go bother some little kids about how their snowman didn't look enough like Elvis.
I turned to Chris who was laughing at me and I swatted his arm playfully, smirking when he came over to me. Sitting down beside me, he leaned back and I couldn't help but catch a glimpse at the side of his neck where a fresh cut lay, deep red and scabbed. I immediately frowned, and leaned in closer.
"Chris—what—"
I didn't have to finish my sentence. He quickly turned towards me so I could no longer see his wound. I frowned and turned his head gently. "Don't tell me your dad—"
Chris snapped his head back to me and looked away, coldly and oddly creepy. "Who the hell else would it be? Of course it's my old man..."
I frowned, wishing he wouldn't become snappy with me. I knew his father had done it, I just wished that hadn't happened. How I wanted to kill that man so much, how I wanted to watch him suffer, suffer from all the damned pain he put his own goddamn children through every fucking day. White hot anger surged through my veins, and I momentarily began to shake from anger.
I tenderly placed two fingers on the wound, wanting to see just how badly Chris was hurt. I knew that if I asked Chris how bad it was, he would of course lie to me and tell me it wasn't so bad, just so I'd stop worrying. I really didn't mean to be a nag, a nuisance, but it was Chris and I couldn't help wanting to take his pain away. When my fingers gently traced the cut, he winced and took in a sharp breath. I quickly stopped stroking his neck and instead traced my fingers against his cheek, hoping the pain would stop. Chris looked at me with his sad eyes and frowned.
I didn't know what to say—there was nothing I could say. Words would ruin everything—words were overrated. Speech in general was overrated. I could read Chris' eyes—so full of regret, compassion, anger, innocent-ridden. He had seen so much more than his seventeen years of living, and I would do anything to change the way Chris was raised. He would be a different person—perhaps he wouldn't be the 'man-whore' everyone say him to be. I then knew why Chris took refuge in so many girls since he was fifteen. He'd been deprived of love, real love, strong passionate love, and one night stands were a poor substitute which gave him temporary pleasure. Some part of me was bitter and I wish Chris could just see how very strong my love was for him, but I knew he was too male to know. I just prayed that one day he'd know just how much I loved him, just how much I was willing to sacrifice in order for his safety and well being.
"Lark, I'm really okay so stop looking at me as if this is the last time you're going to see me."
I shook out of my daze and grinned somewhat bashfully. "Sorry."
Chris grinned and shrugged. "Apology accepted."
I smirked and turned when I heard Gordie running back up the hill, panting and fresh snow mounted in his dark hair. He looked absolutely wind-swept, and as if he'd just seen a ghost.
"Guys!" he panted, running towards us. "Run!"
I raised an eyebrow, quite alarmed. "What's wrong?"
Gordie frowned at me and made a dive just as several snowballs came flying his way. "Never miss with five year olds and their damn snowmen!"
~*~*~
[heh, short chapter I know, but hopefully next chapter will be longer. I was kind of blanked out here. So, review please. :) sorry if I let you guys down with this chapter, it was lacking I know. *PS* StormShadow21: if you're reading this, I just want to say that I'm glad you're back (even if it's temporary!!) I was hoping you wouldn't be gone for too long! I can't wait until you start posting, hopefully soon; I was really enjoying your stories!! Anyways, thanks for the review! I missed your kooky reviews. They were my favorite! So I hope you still read my stories, and I can't wait until I see some postage on your part. Thanks...also—thanks to all me other reviewers!! – Shannon, Danihum, krist, CaptainSpaghetti, CherrySodaChocolateMilk, Sophie, SleepIsFun, Emily Smith and Blondie 03. You guys are my inspiration!!!]
Sometimes I'd think of what things would be like had I not kissed Chris, had I not risked everything over pure lust of the moment. Would I constantly watch everything from the outside in, would Chris ever realize that he had feelings for me, would I just get over Chris, as if he was some stupid crush? I wondered what my life would be like, and wonder if I would have been better off that way. Falling too deeply in love seems to only have tragic outcomes, thus dooming my life for sure. Either that or I just had bad luck.
But then how did Chris come into all this? Why had he suddenly opened his eyes to me? Had it been the kissed? Well of course it had, but why had he given us a chance? Why had I given us a chance? Loving him was inevitable—bound to happen sooner or later. But...loving me? Did he love me the way I loved him? The question haunted the inner depths of my soul but I shrugged it off casually. I didn't care if he didn't love me...I loved him and that was that. There was nothing to do about it. If he didn't love me, he didn't love me, but I would always love him. Always.
~*~*~
"Gordie, why are you smiling so like an idiot?"
Gordie glared at me but couldn't stop smiling nonetheless. He ran a hand through his hair as he balled up the newly fallen snow into one hand and threw it at me. I squealed and ran after him, only to have Chris intercept my jumping on top of Gordie and pinned me down in the snow. I giggled and closed my eyes tightly as the snow pierced my neck. Gordie laughed and came rushing over towards us, snow in his hands, holding it above my face. Chris pinned my arms over my head and crushed my body with his.
"No!" I screamed, half laughing half dying. "Noooo! Don't! I won't call you an idiot again I promise! I can't help it that you smile queerly!"
Gordie smirked and held the snow above my head, thoroughly enjoying my frightened state. Without a second to let me try and resist Chris' firm hold, he dumped the snow in my face, blinding me and causing me to scream out in fury. Chris grinned and let me go, only to have me jump on top of him.
Gordie giggled and pushed me over, so I laid in the snow, which I felt falling into my pants. I growled but giggled all the same. How could anyone stay mad for long in the fresh snow? I really did love winter—probably more so than summer. It was weird, but I loved the cold—ha, ironic. I looked over at Chris who was lying beside me, head propped up on his elbow, cheeks flushed from the cold. He looked so angelic, so beautiful that my instincts got the better of me and I leaned over and kissed him quickly. Chris smiled pleasantly surprised and I blushed, while Gordie made gagging noises. I threw a fistful of snow at him to shut him up.
I sat up and looked over to Gordie who had his hands in his pockets, looking around the park at the holiday enjoyers. He still had that damned look of contempt on his face, a grin tugging at his lips. What the hell was he so happy about? I recalled our conversation about Mary Louise, and I figured he didn't really care...he seemed quite happy about Jenny. So why was he so fucking happy?
"Gordie! Why are you so happy?" I asked, standing up and helping Chris up. I brushed snow out of my hair and re-adjusted my mittens so the snow could be emptied from their current place on my wrist. Chris smirked and I arched an eyebrow.
"Don't you just love the winter?" Gordie said, sighing happily. I rolled my eyes at his obvious sarcasm and waited for an answer. "Can't I just be happy Lark?"
I laughed but quickly wiped the grin off of my face. I never really thought about that...in all honesty, Gordie never really was...happy. He would put on this act to make others think he was happy, but in the long run, Gordie was just an incredibly sad guy who never knew the meaning of the word 'love.' I frowned and looked sadly at him. Of course Gordie could be happy...why had I made such a big deal out of it? Maybe he really was content...even when he was with Mary Louise, Gordie always gave off a tainted vibe. Gordie was never the happy one out of us all. Even Chris with all his shit at home came off happy and even me who was mentally fucked up was happy most of the time. But Gordie...Gordie was never happy. You could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in him.
I was thrown out of my Gordie moment when a snow ball went flying straight into my face, momentarily blinding me and literally freezing my eyelashes. I spat out snow and glared in Gordie's direction, but he had already ran down the hill we were sitting on in the park, probably to go bother some little kids about how their snowman didn't look enough like Elvis.
I turned to Chris who was laughing at me and I swatted his arm playfully, smirking when he came over to me. Sitting down beside me, he leaned back and I couldn't help but catch a glimpse at the side of his neck where a fresh cut lay, deep red and scabbed. I immediately frowned, and leaned in closer.
"Chris—what—"
I didn't have to finish my sentence. He quickly turned towards me so I could no longer see his wound. I frowned and turned his head gently. "Don't tell me your dad—"
Chris snapped his head back to me and looked away, coldly and oddly creepy. "Who the hell else would it be? Of course it's my old man..."
I frowned, wishing he wouldn't become snappy with me. I knew his father had done it, I just wished that hadn't happened. How I wanted to kill that man so much, how I wanted to watch him suffer, suffer from all the damned pain he put his own goddamn children through every fucking day. White hot anger surged through my veins, and I momentarily began to shake from anger.
I tenderly placed two fingers on the wound, wanting to see just how badly Chris was hurt. I knew that if I asked Chris how bad it was, he would of course lie to me and tell me it wasn't so bad, just so I'd stop worrying. I really didn't mean to be a nag, a nuisance, but it was Chris and I couldn't help wanting to take his pain away. When my fingers gently traced the cut, he winced and took in a sharp breath. I quickly stopped stroking his neck and instead traced my fingers against his cheek, hoping the pain would stop. Chris looked at me with his sad eyes and frowned.
I didn't know what to say—there was nothing I could say. Words would ruin everything—words were overrated. Speech in general was overrated. I could read Chris' eyes—so full of regret, compassion, anger, innocent-ridden. He had seen so much more than his seventeen years of living, and I would do anything to change the way Chris was raised. He would be a different person—perhaps he wouldn't be the 'man-whore' everyone say him to be. I then knew why Chris took refuge in so many girls since he was fifteen. He'd been deprived of love, real love, strong passionate love, and one night stands were a poor substitute which gave him temporary pleasure. Some part of me was bitter and I wish Chris could just see how very strong my love was for him, but I knew he was too male to know. I just prayed that one day he'd know just how much I loved him, just how much I was willing to sacrifice in order for his safety and well being.
"Lark, I'm really okay so stop looking at me as if this is the last time you're going to see me."
I shook out of my daze and grinned somewhat bashfully. "Sorry."
Chris grinned and shrugged. "Apology accepted."
I smirked and turned when I heard Gordie running back up the hill, panting and fresh snow mounted in his dark hair. He looked absolutely wind-swept, and as if he'd just seen a ghost.
"Guys!" he panted, running towards us. "Run!"
I raised an eyebrow, quite alarmed. "What's wrong?"
Gordie frowned at me and made a dive just as several snowballs came flying his way. "Never miss with five year olds and their damn snowmen!"
~*~*~
[heh, short chapter I know, but hopefully next chapter will be longer. I was kind of blanked out here. So, review please. :) sorry if I let you guys down with this chapter, it was lacking I know. *PS* StormShadow21: if you're reading this, I just want to say that I'm glad you're back (even if it's temporary!!) I was hoping you wouldn't be gone for too long! I can't wait until you start posting, hopefully soon; I was really enjoying your stories!! Anyways, thanks for the review! I missed your kooky reviews. They were my favorite! So I hope you still read my stories, and I can't wait until I see some postage on your part. Thanks...also—thanks to all me other reviewers!! – Shannon, Danihum, krist, CaptainSpaghetti, CherrySodaChocolateMilk, Sophie, SleepIsFun, Emily Smith and Blondie 03. You guys are my inspiration!!!]