When I was lying in the hospital I realised I couldn't go through with it. I had to stop with the shite. I wanted a new life. I got in this program where you get three shots of methadone each day. So you can slowly get off the smack.
I began with it on the first day that I lived in Susan's house, December 3rd. When I was in the hospital, I got medicines for the pain. But now I had to live through the day with only 3 times methadone. And methadone and heroin, that's a big difference you know.

It was December 2nd when I got fired from the hospital. I was at Susan's house at 8 o'clock in the evening. I had to pick up some things in my own flat, that would be rented by another guy, because I left it. Susan gave me the key to her house. I really wanted to sleep when I arrived at her home, because than I wouldn't have to think about the shot I usually took around this time of the day.
I put my stuff on the floor, get a shower and walk to the bedroom. Susan is already lying in bed. Quietly I slip under the sheets and I watch her sleeping. I kiss her carefully, then turn off the light and try to sleep.

I wake up from a loud noise. I search my glasses and when I put them on I see it's 2 o'clock in the night. I turn around to Mark, but there is no mark. I immediately think about that time he was lying on the stairs outside my house. I get out of my bed quickly and walk to the livingroom.

"Oh no, I woke her up," I thought when I heard all kinds of noises. I couldn't sleep so I was going to smoke a cigarette to calm down. In was shaking so hard that it was a miracle that I got the lighter working. I got the glass ashtray and I wanted to sit down by the window, but I couldn't control my hand anymore and the ashtray fell on the wooden floor. Pieces of glass were jumping all around the room. I was scared about Susan's reaction. I was here like six hours and I already broke something. She walked to the livingroom and stood there in her oversized t-shirt.

"I'm so sorry, it's just.. I wanted to smoke one and." he said. "It's Ok," I said and slowly walked to him, careful not to stand in glass. "Just take your cigarettes and come with me," and I walked to the kitchen and made some tea. We both smoked a cigarette and drank some tea and talked a bit about music. God, he was shaking like hell. He couldn't even hold his cup of tea with one hand. But I decided not to say anything about it, because I knew that it was already difficult enough for him. After half an hour we went back to bed. I fell asleep in his arms. He woke up another six times that night. And so did I, but I pretended that I was asleep. I think I will never know how hard this is for him. And it's only the first night.