A New Life
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa
Chapter 7
Carter is sleeping, Bella is sleeping, Abby is not sleeping. I think I'm too exhausted to sleep. I close my eyes and I relive Carter's panic attack in the garden or the fiasco in the car. I still don't get that one. I know he's under a lot of stress and he needs to get the pain out somehow, but that whole deal seems a little extreme.
I could stand at the foot of the bed just watching him sleep until the end of time. He looks so young, so sweet, so innocent. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. He looks like a prince. Did I kiss a frog and I just don't remember?
I almost laugh out loud at the thought. But this isn't some fairy tale, this is real life. This is my life, this is his life, this is Bella's life now. I just hope he gets his emotions under control soon, because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
He stirs in his sleep and turns over on his side, mumbling something incoherent. I step closer trying to hear, but the words are too jumbled. I have a gut feeling he's not making any sense anyway.
He's facing me now, and I'm a little surprised to see his eyes open. The corners of his mouth twitch. "Are you just going to stand there watching me all night? Or are you planning to join me?"
I feel a smile spread across my face. "Is that an invitation?"
"Do you need it engraved in gold?"
I shake my head and start to hang my robe, which is his robe, on the end of the bed, but he grabs my arm, pulling me to him, which leaves the robe to fall on the floor. I giggle as he pulls me onto the bed, but the laughter is silenced with a kiss.
I wonder if he knows how much I love him?
His hands slide under my tank top and I shiver involuntarily. He giggles at that, so I have to silence him with a kiss, and I slide my hands under his T-shirt. He shivers, mocking me with an exaggerated shake. I swat his shoulder and he catches my wrist in the circle of his fingers.
I stare into his eyes as he stares at the ring on my finger. "We're really getting married, aren't we?"
"Yes."
"Let's go to Vegas."
I blink at him. Did I hear him right? "What?" I squeak.
He smiles, his beautiful, lopsided, mischievous smile. God I love him, and if he's serious…if he really wants to go to Vegas and get married…I wouldn't have the strength to say no. I wouldn't *want* to say no.
"Unless you want to wait…"
I shake my head. "Today wouldn't be soon enough."
"I should have married you a long time ago."
I kiss him because I don't like the tone of his voice and I don't want him getting depressed or anything. He slides his arms around me and rolls me onto my back. I look up at him and nod. Maybe the intimacy of making love will help settle the demons inside him.
* * * * * * * * *
He's crying softly, using his pillow to muffle the sounds. He doesn't know I'm awake. I focus on laying perfectly still. He slides his arms out from under me slowly, carefully. I keep my eyes closed, even though it's killing me to pretend to be asleep. I want to turn to him and put my arms around him, hold him, let him cry on my shoulder.
He takes a deep breath before he gets out of the bed. I can barely hear his feet shuffle across the floor. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door softly. He doesn't turn the light on.
I turn over on my back and look up at the ceiling. The draperies over the windows do a good job keeping all light out of the room. We have a night light in the bathroom, but since he closed the door there is no light at all in the bedroom.
I sigh and close my eyes and fling my arm up over them. I won't stay like this long, I know. I turn on my side facing away from the bathroom door. He's a grown man, and he deserves his privacy. But I can't help but wonder what he's doing in there, and I can't make myself not turn toward the door. I want to know when he comes back to bed.
If he comes back to bed.
I can't stop the nagging feeling that he's headed for a breakdown. That's what he meant in the car when he said he could feel it happening to him. The panic attack in the garden, the whole thing in the car, those are clear signs.
He's only going to get worse until something pushes him over the edge. I should find help for him before that happens. But where? If I know John Carter, and I think I do, he won't agree to any kind of treatment. He'd rather suffer through it on his own, because professional treatment means drugs and he's battled that addiction once.
Battled. As if. He's still battling it. He'll always be battling that addiction.
I sigh and sit up. I can't take it anymore. I can't just lay here like nothing is wrong when my mind is going a thousand miles an hour because I know something is very wrong. Not something. Everything.
I tap on the door. "John?" He doesn't answer. I didn't really expect him to. "John, are you in there?" I turn the knob and push the door open slowly.
He's sitting in the bathtub with his knees drawn up to his chin. He doesn't move, even when I kneel beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. "John?"
I don't like this. I've got that hair-standing-on-end feeling and I really don't like it.
"Come back to bed, John."
Nothing. And then Bella crying. I don't want to leave him, I really don't want to leave him sitting in the bathtub, but I can't just ignore Bella.
I stand. "I'm going to check on the baby." My feet do not want to move. But I have to. I look back at Carter one last time from the door. "I love you," I tell him, and then I go to Bella.
I change her and take her downstairs to try to feed her. She resists, but not as forcefully as she has been, and after a couple tries she takes the nipple and drinks.
At least I can be thankful for that. She's finally eating.
I take her back upstairs and sit in the rocking chair with her.
"Can I hold her?"
I look up, startled to see Carter in the door way. I nod and stand and ease Bella into his arms. He takes my place in the rocking chair.
* * * * * * * *
I thought I would never get this chapter written. Please, please, please tell me what you think. I need feedback. It only takes a second…and it means so much…Thanks for reading!
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa
Chapter 7
Carter is sleeping, Bella is sleeping, Abby is not sleeping. I think I'm too exhausted to sleep. I close my eyes and I relive Carter's panic attack in the garden or the fiasco in the car. I still don't get that one. I know he's under a lot of stress and he needs to get the pain out somehow, but that whole deal seems a little extreme.
I could stand at the foot of the bed just watching him sleep until the end of time. He looks so young, so sweet, so innocent. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. He looks like a prince. Did I kiss a frog and I just don't remember?
I almost laugh out loud at the thought. But this isn't some fairy tale, this is real life. This is my life, this is his life, this is Bella's life now. I just hope he gets his emotions under control soon, because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
He stirs in his sleep and turns over on his side, mumbling something incoherent. I step closer trying to hear, but the words are too jumbled. I have a gut feeling he's not making any sense anyway.
He's facing me now, and I'm a little surprised to see his eyes open. The corners of his mouth twitch. "Are you just going to stand there watching me all night? Or are you planning to join me?"
I feel a smile spread across my face. "Is that an invitation?"
"Do you need it engraved in gold?"
I shake my head and start to hang my robe, which is his robe, on the end of the bed, but he grabs my arm, pulling me to him, which leaves the robe to fall on the floor. I giggle as he pulls me onto the bed, but the laughter is silenced with a kiss.
I wonder if he knows how much I love him?
His hands slide under my tank top and I shiver involuntarily. He giggles at that, so I have to silence him with a kiss, and I slide my hands under his T-shirt. He shivers, mocking me with an exaggerated shake. I swat his shoulder and he catches my wrist in the circle of his fingers.
I stare into his eyes as he stares at the ring on my finger. "We're really getting married, aren't we?"
"Yes."
"Let's go to Vegas."
I blink at him. Did I hear him right? "What?" I squeak.
He smiles, his beautiful, lopsided, mischievous smile. God I love him, and if he's serious…if he really wants to go to Vegas and get married…I wouldn't have the strength to say no. I wouldn't *want* to say no.
"Unless you want to wait…"
I shake my head. "Today wouldn't be soon enough."
"I should have married you a long time ago."
I kiss him because I don't like the tone of his voice and I don't want him getting depressed or anything. He slides his arms around me and rolls me onto my back. I look up at him and nod. Maybe the intimacy of making love will help settle the demons inside him.
* * * * * * * * *
He's crying softly, using his pillow to muffle the sounds. He doesn't know I'm awake. I focus on laying perfectly still. He slides his arms out from under me slowly, carefully. I keep my eyes closed, even though it's killing me to pretend to be asleep. I want to turn to him and put my arms around him, hold him, let him cry on my shoulder.
He takes a deep breath before he gets out of the bed. I can barely hear his feet shuffle across the floor. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door softly. He doesn't turn the light on.
I turn over on my back and look up at the ceiling. The draperies over the windows do a good job keeping all light out of the room. We have a night light in the bathroom, but since he closed the door there is no light at all in the bedroom.
I sigh and close my eyes and fling my arm up over them. I won't stay like this long, I know. I turn on my side facing away from the bathroom door. He's a grown man, and he deserves his privacy. But I can't help but wonder what he's doing in there, and I can't make myself not turn toward the door. I want to know when he comes back to bed.
If he comes back to bed.
I can't stop the nagging feeling that he's headed for a breakdown. That's what he meant in the car when he said he could feel it happening to him. The panic attack in the garden, the whole thing in the car, those are clear signs.
He's only going to get worse until something pushes him over the edge. I should find help for him before that happens. But where? If I know John Carter, and I think I do, he won't agree to any kind of treatment. He'd rather suffer through it on his own, because professional treatment means drugs and he's battled that addiction once.
Battled. As if. He's still battling it. He'll always be battling that addiction.
I sigh and sit up. I can't take it anymore. I can't just lay here like nothing is wrong when my mind is going a thousand miles an hour because I know something is very wrong. Not something. Everything.
I tap on the door. "John?" He doesn't answer. I didn't really expect him to. "John, are you in there?" I turn the knob and push the door open slowly.
He's sitting in the bathtub with his knees drawn up to his chin. He doesn't move, even when I kneel beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. "John?"
I don't like this. I've got that hair-standing-on-end feeling and I really don't like it.
"Come back to bed, John."
Nothing. And then Bella crying. I don't want to leave him, I really don't want to leave him sitting in the bathtub, but I can't just ignore Bella.
I stand. "I'm going to check on the baby." My feet do not want to move. But I have to. I look back at Carter one last time from the door. "I love you," I tell him, and then I go to Bella.
I change her and take her downstairs to try to feed her. She resists, but not as forcefully as she has been, and after a couple tries she takes the nipple and drinks.
At least I can be thankful for that. She's finally eating.
I take her back upstairs and sit in the rocking chair with her.
"Can I hold her?"
I look up, startled to see Carter in the door way. I nod and stand and ease Bella into his arms. He takes my place in the rocking chair.
* * * * * * * *
I thought I would never get this chapter written. Please, please, please tell me what you think. I need feedback. It only takes a second…and it means so much…Thanks for reading!